


Chronicles of a Legend Part I - The Rise of a Legend

by Pinoko_K



Series: Chronicles of a Legend [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-24
Packaged: 2018-05-15 01:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 37
Words: 136,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5766367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinoko_K/pseuds/Pinoko_K
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 1 of a trilogy. The rise of Shepard from being the Alliance poster child to the hero of the Citadel. Her struggle to stop the invasion of long-lost mythical creatures, while forging unbreakable bonds with those who are following her to hell and back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

A/N: This story is my way of saying goodbye to my Shepard. It started out as her tale in ME3, then it grows bigger, and now it covers all three games in the series. It's big. It's separated into three parts. It's meant for my own benefits to get over the ending, but as it grows, I thought I should share, especially for those of us who loves Shepard, Kaidan, and Garrus. And no, it's not a love triangle, relax.

I'm sorry about any typos or mistakes. I don't have any betas for the story. It's directly from me to you.

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  


Part I: The Rise of a Legend

Prologue

Year: 2186CE

Location: Alliance Headquarters, Vancouver

  


This was not a standard Alliance office.

The room was decorated to resemble a comfortable living quarters, where two women sat across from each other, both in comfortable armchairs with a coffee table between them.

But Shepard was not fooled by the illusion. This was hardly a social call, and she was still very much trapped within the Alliance headquarters. How long had it been? Five months?

The seemingly friendly woman sitting across from her was assigned to evaluate her psychological condition – Doctor Troy she was called. Shepard hated these sessions as much as she hated those meetings she had with the defense committee, both were useless in her not so humble opinion. But there was nothing she hated more than spending those endless hours in the interrogation room ever since she had surrendered both herself and her Normandy to the Alliance. How many times did she have to answer the same questions over and over again before she became insane? Or perhaps the interrogators were the insane ones, because if she recalled correctly, the definition of insanity was to repeat the same action and expecting different results.

More than once, Shepard wondered if she should have listened to Miranda and Garrus – her left and right hands through thick and thin. Instead of turning herself in and being tied down by the bureaucracy, she could have used her ship and her crew to fight the Reapers. Or as Garrus would have put it, to do some good in this galaxy before they went out in a blaze of glory. But Shepard's conscience had gotten the better of her; she had to do the right thing, to warn the Alliance about the Reaper's inevitable invasion. And as both Miranda and Garrus had predicted, the Alliance didn't listen.

When had they ever listened to her? Shepard snorted at that thought.

“Aerin,” Dr. Troy called out for her attention.

First name basis. Shepard didn't bother correct the doctor. After all, she'd seen this woman more than she'd seen anyone else. Except for Vega, her glorified jail guard.

“Last time we talked about Saren and Sovereign,” the doctor started. “How about if we change the topic this time, and talk about the people you have worked with instead?”

She had a feeling where this was going, and she did not like to talk about that topic a bit. Keeping her cool composure, Shepard's bright blue eyes landed onto the doctor's dark brown ones and held her gaze, silently challenging her to bring on the topic.

Undaunted by her look and her silence, Dr. Troy continued, “Tell me about Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.”

_So, she starts out with the easy one first,_ Shepard thought, holding back any traces of emotions. She would play this game with the doctor, but it would be on her terms.

“A quarian on her pilgrimage,” Shepard replied. “She had data about Saren and Benezia that proved Saren to be the traitor, and his intention was to use the Reapers to invade the galaxy.” Her answer gave Troy nothing but facts, facts that no doubt were listed on the doctor's datapad.

“So you took a young quarian with you to chase down Saren?”

“Who knows more about Geth than a quarian?”

“What about Urdnot Wrex?”

“I don't know about you, Doctor, but when a krogan battlemaster offered his assistance, I wasn't about to turn him down.”

The doctor glanced at her datapad. “He stayed with you even after you destroyed the cure for genophage in Virmire. How did you convince him to continue working with you?”

_Virmire..._ She could feel an increase of her heart rate at that word. Still, Shepard was able to maintain her composure with practiced ease. She shifted into a more comfortable position before answering, “I've my share of negotiations done under gunpoint, Urdnot Wrex was just another one.”

“What about Dr. Liara T'Soni?”

“Prothean expert, Matriarch Benezia's only daughter. Without her help, we would never have located the conduit in time to stop Saren.” Again, nothing but facts the doctor had already known.

“She was with you when you killed her mother?”

“Yes. Benezia gained enough control of herself to say goodbye to her daughter. Not all of us get to say goodbye to our loved ones when we die. I should know.”

The doctor made a note on her datapad before she asked her next question, “What about Garrus Vakarian?”

Shepard hid a smile at that name. What about Garrus? So many things she could say, but none of which she wanted to share. “Former C-Sec officer who used to investigate on Saren. One hell of a shot.”

“He helped you twice. The first time three years ago to hunt down Saren, and then again a few months back to fight the Collectors. Same goes for Tali'Zohar. It's quite amazing how both of them were willing to lay down their lives for you, not once, but twice. How would you describe your relationships with them?”

Shepard looked straight into the doctor's eyes. “Have you ever been in combat, Doctor? Or in any life threatening situations where your life is in someone else's hand?”

“I can't say I have.”

“Then there is no way I can truly describe my relationships with them in a way you'd understand. That type of bonds cannot be described properly.”

“I see.”

And then there were only two left. Shepard quietly braced herself.

“Tell me about Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams.”

Shepard's throat felt dry. She reached for a glass of water and took a sip, buying her enough time to compose herself before she answered, “Williams was a fine soldier. We stopped Saren's potential krogan slavery army because of her.”

“Back on Virmire, you had to make a choice.”

Despite her restraint, Shepard's jaws clenched, her eyes narrowed ever so slightly. “I stand by my report. It's somewhere on my file.”

“Fair enough...” And finally, after all that dancing around the issue, the doctor asked, “What can you tell me about then-Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko?”

Although Shepard saw this coming and had mentally prepared herself for the question, her hand still unconsciously went to touch her hair. She almost stopped herself from the action, knowing she had probably betrayed her own feelings by this tiny slip up, but stopping in the middle would be more obvious. She completed the swift motion of tugging her hair behind her ear and replied without a hint of emotion on her face, “Alenko's file is on the official Alliance record. If it's classified, then obviously I'm not at the liberty of releasing any information even if I know.”

“How would you describe your relationship with him?”

Shepard took a subtle deep breath and chose her words very carefully. “There is none.”

The doctor studied her with a gentle smile. “It's okay, Shepard. If the major were to be prosecuted with fraternization, he would have been charged three years ago.”

Shepard didn't need the doctor to tell her that. She knew that they would not be charged with fraternization after saving the damn galaxy. She had even told Kaidan about it the night before Ilos.

The night before Ilos... Shepard had to be extra careful to mask her expression well when her thoughts ventured towards the man in the spotlight.

“Alenko is an Alliance soldier through and through. He's one of the best I've the honor to work with. But we disagreed on some issues and went our separate ways.” The best lie often contained some degree of truth.

She had to protect Kaidan, no matter what.

“I see,” said the doctor. “Why don't we switch the subject a little. Tell me about your time on the Normandy.”

With the spotlight switched away from her biggest weakness, Shepard relaxed and flashed a tiny smirk. “Which one?”

“Let's start with the first one.”

\--  


A/N: The story was first posted on March 2013 on FF.net, and it's ongoing. I'm in a process of uploading all the chapters here. Stay tune.

Thanks for reading.

Contact info: gmail - pinoko19, tumblr - pinoko-k.


	2. Just a Soldier

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter One: Just a Soldier

Year: 2183 CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

  
  


“Commander.”

“Captain Anderson.” Shepard gave a perfect salute to the captain greeting her outside the dock. “Permission to board the Normandy, sir.”

“Granted.” Anderson extended his hand for a firm handshake. Shepard immediately took it. “Welcome aboard, Commander.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Today marked the day as her first day to serve as the executive officer of the prototype warship SSV Normandy, under the command of Captain David Anderson, a legendary soldier in the System Alliance. Standing tall in her N7 armor, with her straight chin-length black hair neatly tucked behind her ears, blues eyes sharpened in alert, Shepard was every bit the capable XO the captain was looking for.

“Come on.” He waved at Shepard to follow him onto the Normandy and then took a left turn to the cockpit. “Shepard, this is Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko. Lieutenants, this is my XO, Lieutenant Commander Aerin Shepard.”

She noticed while Moreau casually offered a tip of his SR1 cap, Alenko's eyes widened slightly at her name. Shepard knew why: Elysium and the Star of Terra. It sure had been an honor to receive the medal, but she hated all the attention that came along with it. To his credit, unlike a lot of people she met, Alenko recovered in the blink of an eye and saluted. “It's an honor to meet you, Commander.”

“At ease, Lieutenant.” She shook his hand instead. “I'm just another soldier.”

Moreau smirked. “Yeah, and I'm just another pilot.”

“Joker,” warned the captain.

Shepard arched an eyebrow at the name. “'Joker'?”

“That's what everyone calls me,” Moreau explained then quickly waved a dismissive hand. “Long story.”

“Settle in, Shepard,” the captain told her. “Your locker is one level down by the Med Bay. Report to Dr. Chakwas when you have time.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Alenko, show the commander around,” Anderson ordered before he walked away.

“Aye, aye, Captain,” Alenko responded without missing a beat.

“Have fun.” Moreau turned his attention back to take-off preparations.

Alenko politely waved a hand towards the hall. “This way, Commander.”

Shepard followed him. It was then she noticed a small scar at the back of his neck. “You are a biotic.”

“Yes, ma'am.”

“Interesting. Look forward seeing you in action.”

He looked at her in mild surprise. “You have never worked with biotics before?”

“I have. But you're handpicked by the captain, you must be the best biotic in the Alliance. I'm curious to find out what you can do.”

Alenko stared at her a second too long.

“Something wrong, Lieutenant?”

“Nothing, Commander.”

_Nothing my ass._ “Off the record, Alenko.”

“Just a bit surprised, ma'am. It's... a refreshing change to have someone wanting to see a display of biotic power instead of being intimidated by it.”

Shepard merely shrugged. “I've been saved biotics a few too many times to know that your powers can be useful and life-saving. Even fascinating.” It was then Shepard realized she had stepped into a sensitive topic. “Ah, I'm sorry. You're talking about the social stigma of being biotics.”

“It's okay, Commander. Most people still thinks human biotics are... well, freaks.”

“Unfortunately they do, but they shouldn't. People are always afraid of what they don't know. Just because you have an implant doesn't make you less human than those who don't.”

“Thank you, ma'am.”

“Just stating my opinion, no need to thank me.”

Shepard had noticed a few things about the lieutenant so far. He was polite and formal, cautious almost to a fault. Even though she was used to the formalities in the military, Shepard personally preferred Moreau's casual style. Perhaps she needed to set a few ground rules to kick start this working relationship.

“And, Lieutenant, if we're going to be working together, there are two things you should know.”

“Yes, Commander?”

“First, I'm not big on formalities. I only care if you can get the job done. So relax.”

“Understood.”

“Second,” Shepard continued, hiding a smirk, “all those rumors you might have heard about me on the extranet are completely untrue.”

His eyes widened just a bit, almost as if she had discovered his secret. To his credit, Alenko recovered swiftly. “They do say pretty crazy things about you. Er, ma'am.”

Shepard snorted. “Tell me about it. I don't shoot laser with my eyes, and I certainly don't eat batarians for breakfast.” She paused then lowered her voice. “Off the record, just between you and me, I prefer salarian liver.”

That got a quiet chuckle out of the lieutenant, although once again he was able to compose himself very quickly. Shepard was rather impressed by his restraint and also annoyed by it. She had always wanted nothing more than to be seen as 'one of the guys', but people around her tended to act differently because of the stories about her. Although she had to give credit to Alenko for being able to see through her odd sense of humor instead of taking her words seriously like some would. That, and he was the first person in a long time who was able to hold their first conversation with her without mentioning either the Blitz or the Star of Terra. It was a refreshing change.

“Relax, Alenko. I _am_ just a marine like everyone else. I'd appreciate it if you'd treat me like any other.”

“Aye, aye, Commander.”

She nodded with a smile, pleased that the rules had been set just the way she wanted. “Good. I'm sure we'll get along just fine.”

  
  



	3. Eden Prime

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter Two: Eden Prime

Year: 2183CE

Location: Eden Prime

  
  


Shepard didn't like this. She didn't like this at all. This mission had gone from bad to worse. First, out of nowhere the Geth showed up, killing Jenkins not long after they had touched down on Eden Prime. Now they had found out Spectre Nihlus had been murdered, according to the witness, by another turian named Saren. Shepard's gripped on her rifle tightened. She couldn't shake off a bad feeling about this mission, yet she was not about to share her baseless concern with her other two teammates, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko and the Gunnery Chief they had just saved, Ashley Williams.

The train, or more like moving platform, they were on moved a little too slow for her taste. The tracks extended forward almost endlessly, bringing them to their final destination: the Prothean beacon. This was supposed to be an in-and-out mission. Her orders were simple: get in, retrieve the beacon, get out. That was until she saw the Geth and a giant ship she had never seen before in her eleven-year long career. To her, the ship looked more like a giant bug than a vessel. And according to the witnesses, that ship emitted some sort of frequencies that caused discomfort in their heads. It was not a known turian design, nor asari or salarian. Whoever made that ship, wherever it came from, she would have to wait to find out. Right now, her main objective had yet to be accomplished, she had to retrieve the beacon before more complications found their way into her mission.

“Can this thing go faster?” Shepard asked.

Kaidan double-checked the control panel. “Sorry Commander, this is as fast as it goes.”

“We're almost there, ma'am,” said Ashley who had been stationed on this planet before the attack. “Once it stops, we cross to the other side of the track and the dock is one level down.”

“Let's hope that Saren hasn't taken the beacon yet.” She could see the end of the track and a structure far ahead of them. Shepard switched to her sniper rifle and scouted ahead with the scope. “More Geth... Damn it! They're arming some sort of bomb! A few of them. Four as far as I can tell.”

“Damn Geth!” Ashley pulled out her own sniper rifle. “Permission to fire, Commander.”

“Granted,” said Shepard as she dropped down to a knee to steady her aim before pulling the trigger herself. Every shot counted. Element of surprise was all the upper hand they had. At least they would hit a few Geth before the platform stopped.

“I can disarm the bombs as soon as we get off,” Kaidan suggested.

“Do it,” said Shepard between shots. “Williams and I will cover you.”

As the train approached the station, Shepard switched to her assault rifle.

“I can drill a hole in those flashlight heads from a hundred meters away or hit them hard with my shotgun,” said Ashley.

“Keep sniping and stay with the lieutanent, Chief. Watch his back while he disarms.” She then turned to Kaidan while reloading her rifle. “There are two bombs on this side of the platform, two on the other. I'll draw their attention and buy you some time.”

“Yes ma'am.”

Shepard didn't wait for the platform to stop. She took a leap and landed with a roll to take immediate cover behind a crate. By the time the Geth located them, she had already begun firing her rifle, taking down a Geth nearby.

“The timer's been set to three minutes, Commander,” she heard Kaidan said over the radio through the sound of gunfire.

“Then you have two minutes and fifty nine-- fifty seven seconds to do your job, Lieutanent!” Shepard dashed out of her cover and splinted across the open area, drawing the attention and fire away from her teammates.

“Commander!”

“I know what I'm doing, Chief. My shield's holding,” Shepard responded as she ducked behind another cover and waited for a moment for the fire to die down, then immediately peeked out to return shots of her own at the three Geth ahead, taking another one down.

“One down, Commander,” Kaidan reported in.

“Good, three more to go. There's one behind me. Wait for my signal,” said Shepard before she splinted to another cover, drawing the enemies away. She felt a strong force brushed by her side before seeing a faint blue ball of energy knocking down the two Geth standing in her way. Biotics. Shepard couldn't hide a smirk as she finished off the enemies before they could get back on their feet. She had always been fascinated by biotic powers; the ability to manipulate objects or even kill with a person's mind was intriguing to say the least. And the level of powers Kaidan had been displayed so far was much stronger than she had ever seen in other biotics in the Alliance. Captain Anderson sure knew how to pick his crew, Shepard mused.

She turned back and looked at the lieutenant, as expected he was covered with a blue glow. “Thanks, Lieutenant. Go.”

Shepard fought her away across the bridge to the other side of the platform. A Geth dropped when she was busy firing at another one, courtesy of Ashley's sniper rifle. “Nice shot, Chief.”

It didn't take long for Kaidan to disarm the second bomb. “Done. Two more, Commander.”

“The bridge is clear. There's a bomb is on your left. The last one it's on the far end, I'm heading that way.” Shepard rushed ahead while firing at the shields the Geth had put up, forcing them to take cover before she could reach to another cover herself. Their shield didn't hold for long under her assault. But as soon as it disappeared, Shepard knew the Geth had no choice but to retaliate. Before she could ask Alenko for another biotic throw, a familiar energy rushed passed her and smashed all three Geth onto the nearest wall.

“Careful, Alenko, I could get used to this,” Shepard commented casually after she fired at the toppled enemies.

She could hear Kaidan chuckled lightly over the radio but stopped almost as soon as he had started. From what she had seen, that man's restraint was quite remarkable, she had to wonder what made him the way he was.

Shepard moved forward, rolling from cover to cover and firing at everything that moved in front of her. On the battlefield, she felt more alive than ever. Adrenaline pumping through her veins made her faster, sharper. Out of habits, she aimed at their heads even though the Geth were not organics. She had no idea where their weakest point was, but the Geth seemed to bare a resemblance to their creators the quarians, she would guess their processors were located somewhere inside those flashlight heads.

“One more, Commander,” Kaidan reported in.

“The last one is right here.” Shepard shot the last Geth standing in her way, then spared a glance at the bomb. “One minute and fourteen seconds left.”

She couldn't believe had been less than two minutes since the battle started. But then again, Shepard was used to the distorted sense of time in battlefield. Her three days on Elysium a few years back had felt like three years to her, although she had never told anyone about it. Nor had she talked about her entire experience to anyone else. Even when the Alliance had ordered her to a few sessions with the military psychiatrist, she had only mentioned enough to pass the sessions for the shrink to sign her off. That was seven years ago, she was merely twenty two when she had saved the colony from pirates by holding them off three days by herself until the reinforcements could arrive. It was more than pure combat prowess that had helped her pull off that miracle, both youth and luck had their share of contributions to the success. And she had been pretty lucky in her life so far both on the battlefields and off.

Until today.

Kaidan and Ashley rushed to her side and the lieutenant immediately began to disarm the bomb.

“The beacon is somewhere down there, Commander,” said Ashley as she pointed at an opening that led to the outside of this station. “Want me to scout ahead?”

The thought of Jenkins scouting ahead and subsequently getting killed in action haunted her momentarily. “No. We stick together.”

“Aye aye, ma'am.”

She heard a low beep and glanced over at the bomb.

“That's the last one, Commander,” said Kaidan.

“Nice work, Lieutenant,” said Shepard as she led the way to the beacon. “Let's get this damn beacon and get the hell out of here, even though I don't look forward to the captain's face when we get back...”

“It's not your fault, Commander. You've done everything by the book,” the lieutenant said as he followed.

“I hate losing people under my command.”

“I don't like it either, but Jenkins... it was just bad luck. We never expected Geth to be on the ground.”

“Intel dropped the ball on this one.” Shepard scowled, then she spotted it. “There's the beacon.”

“Where's Saren?” Kaidan asked. “I thought he was here for the beacon.”

“Commander, look at that...” Ashley trailed off and pointed to the horizon in the distance.

Shepard saw a crater of the size of a small settlement in the distant, everything in and around it was completely obliterated.

“My god, there's where the shipped landed,” said Kaidan.

He was right. They had seen that strange ship from afar just now, and this would be the place it had landed. Shepard took in a sharp breath at the sheer size of the destruction, but she quickly tore herself away from the view. Being in awe and fear of the enemy's prowess was never good for morale, instead she focused on her one single task at hand: secure the beacon.

“Let's get the beacon before any more Geth shows up. Chief, keep an eye on the exit.” She tapped her earpiece for a transmission. “Normandy, this is Shepard, do you read me?”

“This is Normandy,” Joker's voice came through clearly.

“We have the beacon. Lock onto my position and send in a team to retrieve it. It's bigger than we thought.”

“Copy that. Normandy out.”

With a sigh of relief, Shepard turned back to the beacon. To her horror, she saw Kaidan being pulled towards it as he struggled to with an invisible force. She didn't even have time to shout a warning as she immediately splinted forward and tackled Kaidan with full force, knocking him out of the way to free him. Unfortunately, she had taken his place instead. Like a piece of metal next to a giant magnet, Shepard felt a strong force pulling her towards the metallic rod. The closer to the Prothean relic, the stronger the invisible force, so much so It lifted her off the ground. Every part of her body felt like being torn apart as she was hanging helplessly in mid air. She could feel nothing but pain, yet she couldn't scream.

Then suddenly, she felt an invasion in her mind. Images of death and destruction flashed quickly inside her head over and over again, overwhelming her every senses. She could smell smoke and burned bodies, she could feel the burning heat from the explosion around her, she could hear the screeching screams of the dead, she could taste blood in her mouth. Images after images, the direct visions inside her mind continued to assault her until all her senses became overloaded and shutdown. Her eyes rolled back, her weapon dropped from her limped fingers. She felt a hard landing as she was tossed back onto the ground. The searing pain shooting throughout her body was too much to bear.

And then there was nothing.


	4. The Commander and the Lieutenant

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter Three: The Commander and the Lieutenant

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

  
  


What had he done?

After ten years in the military, he had made one big rookie mistakes today: Approaching a strange device without even scanning it with his omni-tool. Not only had it result in the destruction of the Prothean beacon, Commander Shepard had been seriously injured from saving him.

The XO of the ship he was serving on was hurt because of his mistake. That would put a spot on his otherwise spotless service record. Although right now Kaidan was more worried about the commander's well-being than his own career.

It had been more than fourteen hours and Shepard was still in a coma in the Med Bay. Doctor Chakwas had found no signs of physically damage, yet Kaidan didn't find that news comforting. Damages done to the human brain could take a while to manifest, and the results could be just as devastating and crippling as physical injuries or even more. He should know; he had the infamous L2 chip sitting inside him, although he was damn lucky to have only migraine as the side effect of having the old implant, unlike other L2s who suffered from complications like insanity, mental disability, and crippling pain.

Kaidan let out a sigh and stared blankly at his coffee cup. Was it his fourth, or fifth cup? He had lost count. His report had been sent to Captain Anderson, and the captain had ordered both him and Williams to take a break until they reached the Citadel. It was a considerate gesture, but Kaidan wished he could bury his head in his work instead. Anything would be better than sitting here waiting hopelessly for Shepard to recover.

He still couldn't believe Joker was right on the money with his paranoid prediction. First there was the Prothean beacon, then Spectre Nihlus was murdered by another Spectre. And they had lost Jenkins to the Geth. If anything happened to Shepard, he would never be able to forgive himself.

“Lieutenant,” someone called for his attention and took a seat next to him.

Kaidan looked up and saw Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. “Chief.”

“Don't tell me you have been up all this time. The captain ordered us to get some rest.”

“Yeah. Can't sleep.”

Ashley glanced over at the Med Bay. “She's still unconscious, huh?”

“Almost fifteen hours now.”

“Dr. Chakwas is monitoring her. And the captain said if she hasn't recovered by the time we reach the Citadel, she'll be transfer to the hospital there. I've heard they have some of the best facilities.”

Kaidan shook his head, the knot between his brows tightened. “It's my fault.”

“It's an accident, sir. The doctor already said there's not physical injuries. We just need to wait for her to wake up.”

”I felt the force myself when it pulled me in, Chief. It was stronger than any biotic, and it's certainly strong enough to fry a human brain.”

“But she's not just any other human; she's Commander Shepard. That woman graduated from the brutal N7 program and held off an army of batarian slavers by herself. I'm sure she'll make it.”

As much as he appreciate her effort to cheer him up, Kaidan couldn't fully convinced himself. “The commander is very skilled and well-trained, but she is still very much just a human like us.”

“Not according to the extranet.”

He knew she was joking, yet he felt a need to defend the commander. “You can't believe everything you've read on the extranet, Williams. Those things they said about her are simply not true.”

There was a mischievous smile played on her lips. “And how do you know that, sir?”

Kaidan simply shrugged. “She told me.”

“Of course she'd say that, Lieutenant. She's downplaying it. But mark my words, one of these days, when we are on a mission and we're pushed to a corner, all out of ammo, she'll save us all by shooting laser beams out of her eyes.”

He had to chuckle at that mental image despite how absurd it was, or perhaps because of it. “Yeah, I'll pay to see that.”

Ashley grinned. “You and me both, L-T.”

“Thanks, Williams. I'm glad you're with us.”

“Hey, I'm just glad you vouched for me in front of the captain. It's an once in a lifetime opportunity to serve in a ship like this. So thanks.”

“Don't mention it. You've proven your skills, you deserve to be here.” He gave her a friendly smile. ”You know, I think I should go check on the commander.”

“Again? What is it, like the fifth time?”

Kaidan chose not to answer. “Thanks again for the chat.”

“No problem, L-T. Don't beat yourself up. I'm sure Shepard won't blame you.”

“I hope you're right.”

The Med Bay was quiet when he entered. Dr. Chakwas glanced up from her datapad at the sound of the opening door, then gave him a knowing smile and a slight shake of her head, indicating her patient was still in a coma.

“No improvements at all?” Kaidan asked quietly.

“Still the same. Her vitals are stable, no signs of physical trauma. But I've noticed an increase in rapid eye movements, the commander is dreaming in her sleep. Speaking of sleep, have you gotten any, Lieutenant?”

Kaidan didn't answer.

The doctor sighed. “I kicked you out of the Med Bay just so you could take a nap, Kaidan.”

“I can't sleep, Doctor. Not when she's still like that.”

“And what good would it do to the commander if you fell over from exhaustion? You know your migraine could return anytime under this level of stress with no rest.”

“I know, Doc. But every time I close my eyes I saw her being lift into the air then blasted away and landed in front of me like a... a rag doll. I keep thinking, maybe if I were fast enough with my biotic, I could have shielded her and softened the landing. Or something. I don't know...”

“The commander suffers no physical damage beside the usual scraps and bruises from the mission. With or without your biotic to help her, the result would be the same.”

He knew the doctor was right, but for once his brain and his heart were currently misaligned. “I wouldn't be able to sleep even if you kicked me out of here again. Look, Doctor, just let me stay here. I won't disturb the commander.”

Chakwas shook her head. “Ten minutes, then you will go and try to get some rest. Or I'll give you something to knock you out.”

“Thanks.”

He approached to the unconscious form of the one of the most famous soldiers in the Alliance Navy. Ashley had help the doctor to remove Shepard's armor. In plain uniform, Shepard looked less like the extranet legend, more like the normal soldier she claimed she was. And lying here in the Med Bay with equipments around her monitoring her vitals, the commander looked quite vulnerable and, well, strangely beautiful even when she was unconscious.

Kaidan immediately halted this inappropriate train of thoughts. He was not blind; the commander was beautiful with stunning blue eyes and full pink lips. And he had to admit that he would turn his head and check her out if they were just two normal people on the street. But they were not. She was his commander, and she was in a coma because of him. Besides, he was certain Shepard would kick his ass all the way back to Earth if she knew what he was thinking.

Although, truth be told, he was more than willing to let the commander beat him up if she would just wake up.

It was as if Shepard could hear his silent offer, her brows twitched as she began to stir. It was the first sign of movements since he had carried her back to the Normandy. Kaidan held his breath and waited for another few seconds. Soon enough, Shepard's arms started to move as her eyes struggled to open.

“Doctor! Doctor Chakwas! She's awake!”

Shepard blinked a few times before she pushed herself up and held her head in one hand. The commander did not utter a single sound of complaint, but from her body language, Kaidan could tell she was in pain. More specifically, she was suffering from a headache. Kaidan winced for her, he could sympathize with that type of killer headache.

The doctor rushed to the bedside. “Easy there, Commander.”

Shepard lifted her head from her hand and looked around in confusion. “What the...”

“You're back on the Normandy,” Chakwas explained calmly.

“Where is the beacon?”

Kaidan had to deliver the bad news. “Unfortunately it's destroyed.”

Shepard scowled, perhaps out of both pain and dismay. “The captain wouldn't like it.”

“The captain is more worried about your well-being, Commander,” said Chakwas. “How are you feeling?”

“I'm fine,” Shepard answered too quickly that Kaidan suspected it was no more than a reflex, an automated response.

“You don't look too well,” he commented.

“Just a terrible headache, it's not going to kill me.” Shepard held her head in her hands again, covering her face.

Kaidan guessed she was sensitive to the lights in the Med Bay due to her headache. He took the initiative to lower the light setting. “Better now, Commander?”

Shepard looked up from her hands and blinked, the knot between her brows began to ease. “Yeah, thanks... How long was I out?”

“Fifteen hours,” said Chakwas.

Shepard started at the doctor in shock.

“You were knocked out by the beacon.”

“I'm sorry, Commander,” he apologized. “It's my fault. I shouldn't have approached the beacon without even scanning it first. I must have triggered some sort of security device and activated it by accident.”

Shepard glanced over at him. “It's not your fault. There's no way you could have known. Even if you didn't trigger it, whoever retrieved the artifact later would. I'm glad you're okay.”

The sense of relief was almost overwhelming, Kaidan couldn't hold back a warm smile. Not only did Shepard not blame him, she was even concerned about his well-bring in her current state. He started to see why Captain Anderson had chosen her to be his protege, it had to do with more than just her combat prowess.

“Your vitals are fine,” said Dr. Chakwas as she double checked the readings. “But I've noticed an increase of rapid eye movements when you were unconscious.”

“I had some... weird dreams.”

“About what?” asked the doctor while she was recording the new data.

Shepard was lost in her thoughts for a moment then shook her head. “I saw... I'm not sure what I saw. Death, destruction? Nothing that makes any sense.”

The door opened and the captain stepped in. “How's my XO doing, Doctor?”

“The commander seems to be doing fine beside her headache. She'll be fit for duty after a bit of rest.”

“Good. I'm glad to see you're up, Shepard.”

“Thank you, sir. I'm sorry about the beacon.”

Anderson waved a hand. “About that, I need to talk to you in private, Commander.”

Kaidan gave the captain a salute. “I'll be in the mess if you need me.”

He felt Chakwas patting his back rather maternally as they both exited the Med Bay. “Get some rest, Kaidan. This is a direct order from your ship doctor.”

A huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders, Kaidan finally could feel the fatigue kicking in. He smiled at the doctor who somehow reminded him of his mother. “Aye, aye, ma'am.”


	5. The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 4: The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel Tower

  
  


Special Tactics and Reconnaissance.

She had just been sworn in as an agent of the Citadel Council. The first human Spectre ever. On the outside, Shepard maintained a cool composure, chin up, shoulders squared, yet her head was spinning, her hands slightly trembled. If she hadn't subtly leaned against the rail in front of her, she might have collapsed.

The Council session had adjourned, but Shepard allowed herself to stand in a daze for a few seconds and let everything sink in.

“Congratulations, Commander,” said Ambassador Udina.

Shepard snapped out of her reverie and took a deep breath to compose herself before turning to the ambassador and Captain Anderson.

“Thank you, Ambassador.” Shepard politely shook both men's hands in turn.

“I say it's about time some one on our side is made a Spectre.”

“You are one hell of a soldier. You deserve it, Shepard,” said Anderson with a firm handshake.

“Thank you, sir.” Her smile became warm and genuine. To Shepard, Anderson's praise had always weighted more than anyone else's.

“Now that you're a Spectre, you'll need a ship to chase after Saren,” the captain said before he exchanged a look with Udina.

Shepard patiently waited for orders.

Even when the captain looked at her with a hint of regret, there was no way she could have predicted the next three words coming out from him. “Take the Normandy.”

Blue eyes widened in shock. “What?”

“You heard me, Shepard. The Normandy and her crew are yours.”

“But what about you, sir?”

Udina explained, “Captain Anderson has to step down.”

“You need a ship,” said Anderson. “The Council isn't going to provide one immediately. And it's time for me to step down.”

“What's going on? Why can't you come with us? Come clean with me, Captain.”

“The captain can't go with you, Shepard,” said Udina. “Not with his history with Saren.”

“I was in your shoes twenty years ago, Shepard. They were considering me for the Spectre.”

“What happened?”

“I failed. I couldn't make the cut. It's not something I'm proud of. Ask me later, and I'll tell you the whole story. Saren's gone. Don't even try to find him. But we know what he's after: the conduit.”

“The Reapers are the real threat,” Shepard insisted.

“I'm with the Council on this one, Shepard,” said Udina. “I'm not sure if they even existed.”

“But if they do exist,” said Anderson, “the conduit is the key to bringing them back. Stop Saren from getting to the conduit, and we stop Reapers from returning.”

Shepard nodded. “You can count on me, Captain. I'll stop him.”

“We have a lead,” said Udina. “Matriarch Benezia, the other voice in that recording, she has a daughter, a scientist who specializes in the Prothean. We don't know if she's involved, but it might be a good idea to try and find her. See what she knows. Her name is Liara, Dr. Liara T'Soni. We have a report that she's exploring an archeology dig on one of the uncharted world of the Artemis Tau cluster.”

“I'll head there.”

“You are a Spectre now,” said Anderson. “You don't have to answer to us anymore.”

“But remember, Shepard, you are a human long before you're a Spectre,” said the ambassador. “Your actions still reflect on humanity as a whole. You made a mess and I get stuck cleaning it up.”

Shepard held a few words back. “I'll be careful and try not to make things any more difficult for you, Ambassador.”

“Glad to hear it, Commander,” said Udina. “Come on, Anderson. We have a lot of work to do. Shepard, the human embassy will hold a celebration tonight in at the Silver Coast Casino on Silversun Strip. Don't be late.”

\---

Location: Silver Coast Casino

  
  


Mingling with random strangers was never really Shepard's thing, but since the human embassy was holding a party for her, Shepard had no choice but to attend. Ambassdor Udina had insisted on the celebration to bring attention to humanity's new found status. Shepard couldn't help but feel like being in a chess piece on Udina's political tug of war with the Council.

Shepard should be proud to become the first human Spectre, and in a way she was proud. But her visions constantly haunted her, reminding her that if she failed, what she saw in her dreams would become reality for everyone in the galaxy. That was enough to put a damper on her celebratory mood while everyone seemed to be having fun tonight. The entire Normandy crew and even Captain Anderson had come to congratulate her.

Tomorrow they would embark to their next destination in Artemis Tau system, in search of Benezia's daughter Dr. T'Soni, the leading Prothean expert. Whoever this doctor was, whether she was a friend or foe, one way or another, Shepard would get some answers from her about her mother and about the Prothean.

Shepard sat by the bar next to her mentor, nursing a glass of wine while listening to his side of the story with Saren, a tale that she had not known until now. “It was almost twenty years ago now. Like Udina, the human ambassador wanted to get a human into the Spectre. She chose me. The Council sent Saren to keep an eye on me and evaluated my performance. Just like they sent Nihlus to keep tabs on you. I had a chance to become the first human Spectre and I failed. Saren made sure of that.”

“What happened?”

The captain took a sip of his wine. “We had intel on a rogue scientist being funded by batarian interests. He was trying to set up a facility to develop illegal AI technology out in the Verge. Alliance intel had done all the work, but the Council wanted a Spectre involved. We compromised. I was assigned to help Saren in his investigation. We trapped the scientist in a refining facility on Camala. He was hidden somewhere inside protected by an army of batarian mercenaries. The plan was simple: sneak into the plant, capture the scientist, sneak back out. Quick, quiet, and a minimum of blood shed.”

“Things didn't go as planned? Just like on Eden Prime?”

“Things never seemed to go as planned.” Anderson shook his head. “Saren and I split up to cover more ground. Then about half way through the mission, there was a massive explosion on the refinery core. Officially it was ruled an accident, but I think Saren denoted on purpose to draw off the enemy guards.”

Shepard frowned. “How many casualties?”

“The explosion tore the refinery to shreds. The whole place was on fire. Black chemical cloud pour out into the atmosphere. Nobody inside survived. There was a camp for the workers and their families nearby. Between the fire and the toxic fume, the final death count was over five hundred. Mostly civilians.”

“Son of a bitch!”

“Saren didn't care. The target was eliminated. Mission accomplished. And I ended up taking the blame. That ended all talk of me joining the Spectre.”

“Why? You weren't even there. How did he pin it on you?”

The captain snorted. “In his report, Saren accused me of blowing his cover. He said it was my fault that the guard was ready for us. He claimed that's why it turned into a massacre. Saren's report was all that the Council needed to kill my chance of becoming a Spectre.”

“That's not fair! Why didn't you tell the Councils Saren's at fault?”

“Who do you think they are going to listen to? Me or their best agent?” Anderson shook his head with a sigh. “I had a bad feeling about him right from the start. I should have been more careful. Maybe I could have stop things before it got out of hand.”

“There's no way you could have known.”

“Maybe, maybe not. I had my shot, Shepard. It came and went. Now you have a chance to make up my mistake.”

And just like that, this mission had become more personal. “I won't let you down, sir. How are you holding up?”

“Honestly, this isn't how I picture my career coming to an end. Pushing paper really isn't my thing. But you're the one who can stop Saren. I believe in you, Shepard. If that means I have to step aside, so be it.” Anderson raised his glass of wine. “Go and make me proud, Aerin.”

“I will. I promise.” Shepard raised hers. With a crystal clear clink, the torch was passed down from the mentor to his protege.

Anderson finished his drink. “I still have some preparations to make before you take off tomorrow. Meet me at the dock at 0800 hour-- You know what? Make it ten, enjoy your party longer tonight. God knows what you have to face out there.”

Shepard smiled. “Thank you, sir.”

Anderson gave her a firm pat on the shoulder and left.

Shepard let out a tired sigh and drained her glass. By tomorrow, she would officially be the captain of the Normandy. It was Anderson's gift to her, in a way. The captain had given up everything so she would have a chance to succeed in her mission against Saren. She would not allow herself to fail him.

The invisible pressure on her shoulders increased exponentially. She ordered a shot of whiskey from the bar and downed it in one gulp. Perhaps being zapped by the beacon had taken a toll on her, or perhaps the fatigue from the past forty-eight hours had finally caught up with her. Whatever the reasons was, the noise inside the casino had become too loud, the colorful lights too irritating. Shepard quietly slipped out of her own party undetected.

Without an artificial day-night cycle, the Silversun Strip never slept. Shepard walked aimlessly among the crowd. Some seemed to recognize her and turned their heads at the sight of the human Spectre as she walked by, but Shepard paid them no mind. She chose a less crowded spot and leaned against the rail, staring blankly at the colorful display of lights.

She was a Spectre now, with her own ship and crew, and her ship was the state-of-the-art prototype warship no less. It was quite a lot to wrap her head around. Shepard took a quiet moment to herself and let everything sink in. Taking a deep breath, she willed the tense muscles on her body to relax and tried to clear her mind.

“Commander.”

_All I ask for is a moment of peace..._ Shepard masked her irritation and turned to the intruder. Quite unexpectedly it was turian C-Sec officer who had joined her, Garrus Vakarian.

“Garrus,” she greeted with a nod.

“I'm surprised to see you here. Thought you have a party at the casino. Lieutenant Alenko had invited me there as well.”

“Just stepping out for a bit. I didn't see you there.”

Garrus smiled slightly. “Sorry I'm late. I just handed my resignation to my boss at the C-Sec.”

Shepard arched an eyebrow. “You sure you want to do this?”

Garrus leaned against the rail next to her. “You mean do I want to chase a criminal over the galaxy with million lives at stake with no restrictions holding me back? Yeah, I want to do this.”

Shepard shook her head with a chuckle.

“I'm sick of red tapes and having my hands tied by some bureaucrats breathing down my neck every second and never get anything done.”

“Was it that bad?”

“Well, it didn't start out bad, but as I rose in ranks, I got saddled with more and more red tapes. Sometimes it feels like the rules are only there to stop me from doing my work. If I take down a suspect, it shouldn't matter how I do it, as long as I do it. But C-Sec wants it done their way. Protocol and procedures come first, that's why I left. C-Sec's handling of Saren is typical. I just couldn't take it anymore.”

“I see your point. I just hope you made the right choice, I hate for you to regret it later.”

“That's sort of why I teamed up with you. It's a chance for me to get out of the Citadel, see how things are done outside C-Sec. Either way, I plan to make the most of this. And without C-Sec headquarters looking over my shoulder, maybe I can get things done my way for a change.”

“I'm not big on formalities. And as long as you can get things done, you are free to do it any way you see fit.”

“Thank you, Commander. I knew you would understand. The way you handled Fist told me you're not one of those idiots who followed the rules blindly.”

Shepard was amused. “Oh? Are you sure? I promised if he talked I wouldn't kill him. And he was very much alive when I last saw him.”

“Yes, and you stopped Wrex from shooting him.”

“I don't make a habit of standing in between a krogan and his bounty. I just pointed out that Fist might worth more alive than dead.”

“And if the information broker paid more for a dead Fist than an alive one, Wrex could easily make necessary rectification later. You knew that. Either way, you managed to keep your words and get that bastard off the streets.”

Shepard didn't deny any of that. “Fist is-- was dangerous. We shouldn't let him get away.”

”Yeah, C-Sec tried to pin him for a while. And now you delivered him to Wrex with a pretty bow on a silver platter by shooting his kneecap. Our krogan battlemaster owes you one for bringing him along to claim his bounty. Well played, Commander. I like your style.”

“Why thank you.” Shepard faced him with a small grin. “Nice detective work there, Vakarian. C-Sec lost a valuable agent today.”

He chuckled in embarrassment. “Don't think my boss-- former boss agrees with you. But thank you, Commander.

“You can stop calling me that, you know? You are not with the Alliance, you don't have to call me by my title. At least when we're not in front of the crew.”

Garrus seemed surprised by her suggestion. “But you are a Spectre. I don't want to be disrespectful.”

“You are not disrespectful. If you can call Saren by his name, why can't you call me by mine?”

“I... guess you're right.”

“So let's start over...” Shepard turned to face him completely and extended her hand while hiding a grin. “The name is Shepard. Aerin Shepard. Nice to meet you, Mr. Vakarian.”

He shook her hand. “The pleasure is all mine, Com--”

She raised a warning eyebrow.

Quite to her surprise, as confident as Garrus seemed, there was a rather awkward smile on his face. “Er, Miss Shepard. And please don't call me Mr. Vakarian. It doesn't sound right coming from someone like you. Just Garrus is fine.”

“All right. As long as you drop the 'miss' from Miss Shepard.”

“You got it, Shepard.”

Shepard smiled, pleased with the result. “Much better. I have enough 'Commander' and salutes from those guys already.” She gestured vaguely to the direction of casino then let out a deep breath. “Not that I don't appreciate their respect, but sometimes I just want to be seen as one of them...” she trailed off, feeling rather stupid when she explained it out loud. Somehow she found Garrus surprisingly easy to talk to.

“Now that you are a Spectre, it'll be even harder to blend in. Humanity looks up to you as their first Spectre. I don't think I could handle the spotlight or the pressure if I were you.”

“Yeah... First mission ever as a Spectre: Go hunt down a rogue agent before he destroys the galaxy. No pressure, really.”

“Is that why you ditched your own party?”

He _was_ sharp, Shepard was impressed. “Maybe... So, are you going to miss the Citadel?”

Garrus glanced around at the colorful lights. “Not really. The only thing I'll miss is the shooting range.”

Shepard's eyes lit up immediately. “There's a shooting range here?”

“More than a few. And I have a favorite one. Still hold the highest score on the board.”

“You have to bring me there next time we dock,” she said with a grin.

“Sure. I didn't know you like shooting range.”

She chuckled. “Let's just say I like shooting more than dancing.”

“We'll go there next time. For now, I think we should head back to your party,” Garrus suggested. “Even if you don't like dancing, there are other things to do. You should try your luck tonight. Quasar, roulette, or varren racing. Personally I prefer the quasar, it requires more than just plain luck.”

“Never get a hang of that game.”

“It's quite easy. I'll show you.”

“After a round or two at the bar?”

Garrus grinned. “Sure, why not?”

“Shepard!” A voice boomed behind her.

Shepard knew who it was before turning away from the view. “Wrex.”

“Spectre, huh? Not bad, not bad at all.”

Shepard shrugged with a hint of smirk. “Thanks. I was wondering where you were. You're missing the party.”

“I went to collect my bounty. Thanks to you. Now let's go spend some of the credits.” The krogan eyed Garrus. “The C-Sec guy coming with us?”

“The 'former' C-Sec guy,” Garrus corrected him.

“What? You grew a pair and told those pyjaks to shove off?”

“I did.”

“Ha! Good for you, kid.” Wrex slapped the other man's shoulder hard. “You're all right for a turian.”

“Thank you... I guess.”

“All right, let's go! First round's on me.”

“Only one round?” asked Garrus. “Thanks to Shepard here you got your bounty, which you surely would have missed if she didn't hold the door for you.”

“All right, two rounds,” Wrex grudgingly agreed. “Two rounds is all you can handle anyway. You turians can never hold your liquor like us.”

“Vomiting and passing out in the next to the toilet is not our idea of fun,” Garrus retorted gracefully.

Wrex laughed. “You'll never see me pass out.”

“Yet.”

Shepard shook her head with a smile as she walked in between her new allies, a krogan mercenary and a turian former C-Sec agent. Upon returning to the casino, she saw Joker, Kaidan, Ashley, and their new quarian recruit Tali'Zohar at a booth with a few beer bottles and empty shot glasses scattered on a table. Kaidan and Tali were busy comparing their omni-tools while Ashley and Joker debating one thing or another quite animatedly. Next to their table, Adams, Pressly, and Doctor Chakwas were chatting over a bottle of wine. This would be her crew tomorrow. But for now, tonight, Shepard was just one of them, enjoying the last calm before heading straight into the eye of the storm.


	6. The Woman Behind the Titles

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 5: The Woman Behind the Titles

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Mess Hall 

  
  


He saw Shepard sitting there by herself in the mess hall, staring at the cup of coffee in front of her. The hall was empty. Kaidan knew he should have left the commander alone with her thoughts, but he found himself moving closer, one step at a time.

Shepard glanced up when she heard subtle footsteps, mildly startled.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt,” Kaidan apologized.

“It's okay,” said Shepard. He was about to leave when she called out, “Lieutenant, you got a minute?”

“Sure. What is it, Commander?”

“Have a seat.” She waited for him to settle down before she continued, “I'd like to know what your thoughts are on our situation.”

“Off the record. I think there's something wrong here. This Saren is looking for record for some kind of galactic extinction, and we can't get back from the Council? Sorry, Commander, but there's writing on the wall and someone isn't reading it.”

Shepard nodded. “The Council didn't want to believe anything's wrong. I'll call it human nature, but...”

“I hear you. It's just that a group that has been around as long as the Council should see this coming.”

“I'm tempted to say they're blind, but it would seem they're more than that. Even when presented with facts, they hesitated to act.”

“And they sent you after their rogue agent instead.”

“Let's not forget the part where my CO was forced to step down and hand over his ship to me.” There was a glimpse of sadness in her eyes that Kaidan didn't expect to see.

“What happened to the captain was... unfortunate, Commander.”

“I just feel terrible for him.”

“Given his past with Saren, the captain is too close to the case to be on it. Besides, chasing down rogue Spectre falls under the Council's jurisdiction, not the Alliance's. It's a job for the Council agents.”

“But the way the Council and Udina threw him under the bus and took away his ship, just like that.” She shook her head. “Joker was right, if I'm not careful, my head is on the chopping block next.”

Although he agreed with Joker, Kaidan wasn't sure if the pilot should be so blunt. “You're a Spectre now, Commander. The Council needs you to track down Saren. Just try to play by the book and they can't touch you.”

“I don't even think there's a book on regulations for Spectre,” Shepard retorted jokingly. “But I know what you mean. I'll be careful. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this whole Spectre thing. Just between us, I don't feel any difference. Still the same old me.”

“And that would be enough. Captain Anderson picked the best of the best on his team, and you were chosen to be his XO, that speaks volume. And now he gave you this ship. He trusts you, Commander. The captain has more experience than both of us combine; even if you don't trust yourself, you should trust him.”

She studied at him for a moment as if to decide if she should take his advice. Those blue eyes were bright even in the poorly lit mess hall, Kaidan noticed. Then she finally nodded. “You're right.”

“I believe in you, Commander. We all do.”

She went quiet as her head tilted and stared blankly at her coffee cup for a moment. When she faced at him again, there was an intensity in her gaze that captured his full attention. “Can I count on you, Lieutenant?”

“Of course.”

Shepard took a deep breath before she continued, “This mission is too important, and I'm not egotistic enough to think I can handle it by myself. Pressly is my XO on the ship, he will run the day-to-day business, but you will be there on the battlefield with me, watching each other's backs. I need you, not just your gun or your biotics, but your brain. I'm always open to ideas. And if you think I am about to make any mistake, I want you to point it out to me immediately. Drop all formalities, no repercussions. Understood?”

That was a surprise, but a pleasant one. He nodded in agreement. “You got it.”

“Thanks, Alenko.” The smile that played on her lips lit up her face, Kaidan almost caught himself staring, but then he noticed a sudden knot between her brows and a tiny wince in her eyes.

“Still having a headache?”

She looked at him, surprised.

“I'm familiar with headaches. I can tell.”

“The L2 implant,” Shepard said and motioned towards the datapad next to her mug. “Said so on your file.”

He wasn't surprised she had been reading up on the personnel profiles of her crew. If he recalled from _her_ file he had read, Shepard was detailed and deliberated. To be able to hold off all the batarian pirates by herself seven years ago, she would have to have those qualities; a careless mistakes would have caused her her own life. And from what he had seen, this Alliance poster child was surprisingly down to earth. She was anything but judgmental. Still, Kaidan felt the need to clarify his situation.

“Don't worry, ma'am. I'm a fully functional L2. The only side effect I have is migraine.”

There was another smile. Kaidan was careful not to look longer than a glance. “I know. Like you said, Anderson only picked the best of the best. He wouldn't pick you if he thought you would be a liability on his crew. Besides, Dr. Chakwas debriefed me on your condition. She assured me you'd be fine.”

She _was_ careful, Kaidan noted. “A suggestion, if I may, ma'am?”

“What did I just tell you, Alenko? No need to be so formal.”

“Right, sorry. I'm not used to dropping formalities in front of my CO.”

“Then I suggest you'd better start getting used to it. You're stuck with me for a while.”

“I don't mind,” he let slip before he could stop himself. Lucky for him, Shepard only looked amused. “Anyway, you should see Dr. Chakwas asap before the headache gets worse. The pain is usually easier to manage the sooner you treat it. Don't delay.”

“Speaking from experience, huh? I will. Thanks.”

“I'm sorry I got you into this mess, Commander.”

“You already apologized. And it's not your fault. Some headaches and weird dreams aren't going to kill me.” She paused then looked at him. “I never get to thank you for carrying me back to the Normandy.”

There was something about her that made him comfortable enough to loosen up. “Williams was with me. How did you know it was just me who carried you back?”

She shook her head with a faint smirk. “The proper procedure would be having one of you to carry me, while the other take point to wipe out any leftover Geth. You're too much of a gentleman to let a lady do the heavy lifting.”

Kaidan smiled slightly at that. He had to add 'observant' to the long list of descriptions he already had for her. “You're welcome, Commander. And... for the record, you are not heavy at all.”

She chuckled. “Why thank you, Lieutenant.”

Knowing he could get that reaction from her made him strangely proud of himself. “The mess hall might not be the best place to stay when you have a headache. It could get noisy when the crew are up and about. You have your own cabin now, Commander, you should take advantage of it.”

“Thanks for your suggestion, but I'm used to the noise and the activities. I've lived in all sorts of vessels even before I joined the military. I was even born in the Med Bay of an Alliance ship.”

“You were born in space?”

The commander nodded. “My mother was still on duty when I couldn't wait to get out and see this galaxy. An Alliance brat right from the very first breath.” She looked at him with a smile. “What about you?”

“Earth. Singapore, then we moved to Vancouver when I was very young.”

“Singapore...” Shepard mumbled. “There was an accident with element zero at Singapore International Spaceport back in... 51' or 52'?”

Kaidan was surprised she made that connection. “51'. My mother was downwind of a transportation crush in Singapore when she was pregnant with me, I was exposed to element zero. Some of the kids born with the dust exposure had no abnormal development in their brains, but the rest of us have. Somehow I beat the odds, instead of terminal brain cancer like many, I developed biotic potential.”

The look on her face was a sympathetic one, it didn't quite match the perfect soldier image Shepard had in many people's minds. “You are a miracle then.”

He chuckled in embarrassment. “I wouldn't say that, Commander. Just dumb luck.”

“Maybe it's just be luck that you survive, but it's not just luck that brought you your dozen commendations. Keep at it, and soon enough you'll outrank me, Alenko.”

He had to laugh. “No, ma'am. I don't think so...”

“Want to bet?” She raised an eyebrow at him.

“Is there a protocol somewhere that is against this type of betting with the CO?”

“Not unless they changed the regulations when I wasn't looking.” The corners of her lips curled up slightly, blue eyes twinkled. “If you ever outrank me, you owe me a dinner.”

He couldn't contain a smile. “Deal.”

He watched as Shepard looked satisfied with the arrangement and took a sip of her coffee. The commander grimaced and wrinkled her nose a little before setting the mug down. He wasn't sure if the coffee had gone cold or if it was too bitter. All he knew was that she had strayed further and further away from the Alliance poster child image he had of her. So much so he even found her expression quite adorable.

“Something on your mind?” Shepard asked without even glancing up from her drink.

Kaidan felt like a child having his hand caught in a cookie jar. “Nothing, ma'am.”

Blue eyes landed on him keenly. “Speak your mind, Alenko.”

He knew he had to give her something, something other than telling her that he just thought of her expression as adorable. “You know, you are quite different than all of the captains I've served under.”

“Probably because I am also the youngest and the most inexperience of them all.” She ran a hand through her hair with a shrug. “Hell, I don't even know how to behave like one.”

“Every captain is different, each has their own style.” He paused as he recalled something he read on her file. “But if you want to talk to someone who has experience in running a ship, you could always patch a message through to Kilimanjaro for some advice.”

Just as he had expected, her eyes widened briefly before she composed herself. “I see I'm not the only one who has been reading the crew's personnel profiles.”

Kaidan hid a grin. “I like to know who I'm working with, Commander. Especially my CO.”

“Get to know your CO before you step on someone's toes. Smart man.” She studied him curiosity for a moment. “So did they tell you what my favorite color is on my profile?”

He couldn't hide a chuckle this time. “No, ma'am. I don't have the clearance to access to the classified information like those regarding your favorite color or food. Just the standard ones.”

“Good. Can't let everyone know what my favorite food is, can we?”

He gladly played along. “Tactical disadvantage. You'd be an easier target to poison.”

“Precisely.” A mischievous grin spread, brightened up her face, but she reined it in very quickly. “Thanks for the talk, Kaidan. I needed that to feel normal and grounded. The past few days have been... crazy.”

Kaidan couldn't help but feel for her. The amount of pressure everyone had put on her had to be suffocating. From the Council, to Udina, to Captain Anderson, all expected the commander to find and stop a rogue Spectre before he could bring back the Reapers to destroy the galaxy. She might be a war hero, she might even be the perfect soldier, but Shepard was no miracle worker. Kaidan wished someone could see that and send her backup.

“You're welcome. I'm glad I could help, Commander. I'm here for you.”

Her smile returned. “See? I told you we'll get along just fine.”

“As long as you don't request salarian liver for breakfast, ma'am, because I don't think we can find any legally.”

She laughed. He liked the sound of that.

Sitting across from him was the first human Spectre, the war hero of Skyllian Blitz, recipient of the Star of Terra. As impressive as those titles were, what he found more intriguing was the real person behind them. Kaidan was not naive, he knew he could get a glimpse of the woman behind those titles because she allowed it. Somehow she was comfortable enough around him to let her guard down occasionally, and for that he was grateful.

From what he had seen so far, he liked it He liked it quite a lot.

  
  


A/N: Thank you all for reading. It's a slow start, but I have to set the stage. It'll get more intense later. I had fun writing Horizon, Mars, and all the AU. Hopefully you'll stick around to read them. 

Contact info: gmail - pinoko19, tumblr - pinoko-k.


	7. Two Peas in a Pod

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 6: Two Peas in a Pod

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

  
  


Garrus Vakarian had never served on a human ship before, but the Normandy's design looked rather familiar to him, for this prototype ship was co-developed by the Alliance and the Turian Hierarchy. Its ship captain, though, was not like any he had ever seen. Commander Shepard seemed younger than most Alliance captains he had met, and her style of command was refreshingly relaxed. The commander had given all three non-human allies full access to the ship, and from a conversation Garrus had inevitably overheard a short while ago, her gunnery chief was not entirely too happy with the commander's arrangement.

Garrus welcomed this new change, for once he was free of having a boss constantly watching over his shoulder. But he knew that Shepard was no trusting gullible fool either, for he had also found out Shepard had the Alliance intel gathered dossiers of all three new allies before Normandy took off from Citadel. Garrus was not offended at by the background check, not in the slightly. Instead, he admired the commander for her mindfulness. Offering one hand while arming the other, Garrus could learn from her.

There was another thing Garrus noticed about the commander. Unlike the typical turian captains, Shepard was often seen talking to her crew, getting to know each of them as individual rather than seeing them as a gear in an engine. He had not seen this level of personalization in all his years with the military. Although he was never good at small talk, Garrus didn't mind chatting with the commander. In some ways, he found they were more alike than he had initially thought.

“Hey, Garrus.” Speak of the devil.

“Hello, Commander,” Garrus greeted her politely.

“You adjusting to life on a ship?”

“Yeah. Thanks for asking. Anything is better than sitting behind a desk on C-Sec.”

“I bet C-Sec has better food.”

“Well, yeah. With the amount of turians in C-Sec, they do have a better selection of food in the cafeteria. But it's not that bad on the Normandy.”

“I'll make sure we get more varieties for you and Tali next time we dock.”

Garrus was quite amused by her concern. “Much appreciated. But I'm sure you have bigger concern than our meals.”

“The way to a soldier's heart is through their stomach. Or something like that,” said the commander as she glanced curiously at the sniper rifle on his hand. “What are you doing?”

The way she sounded reminded him more like a curious child than a nosy boss. He held up his weapon, or at least the part he had been working on. “Modding my sniper rifle. It's a hobby of mine.”

To his surprise, her blue eyes lit up. “You mod your own weapon?”

“Yeah. The weapons C-Sec issued were fine, but they could definitely be better. So I modified mine.”

“Just yours? Couldn't you tell your boss about the improvements and mod the rest of the C-Sec's standard issues?”

“It's against the protocol to modify our equipments.”

“Of course it is...” She nodded understandingly. “And they'd sooner punish you for modding yours than hearing you out.”

“Exactly.”

“Well, we're not C-Sec here. Mind sharing your secrets with your ship captain?”

“Not at all.” Garrus quickly assembled his rifle back with practiced ease and handed it to Shepard. “Here, give it a try.”

The second Shepard took it in her hands, her eyes widened. “It's much lighter than mine!”

Garrus nodded. “It is. Try the scope.”

Shepard held it up and peek through the scope as told. “Zooms much closer too.”

Garrus couldn't hold back a proud grin. “Yeah. I modified the frame to make it lighter and changed the scope. I'm thinking of improving the magazine size next.”

“Oh, and add a silencer,” Shepard suggested with an enthusiasm he didn't expect. “Your enemy could never track your location even after one of them is down.”

“Good idea! I'll definitely add a silencer.” He made a mental note of that.

She reluctantly handed the gun back to him. “Could you show me how to modify mine?”

“Of course. Next time we dock at Citadel, we'll go shop for mods, and I'll show you how. I can modify your assault rifle too, and any guns you want.”

Shepard's face lit up in delight. “Good! What other tricks do you have up your sleeve?”

“Hmm... I could think of a few ways to improve the mako.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I learned more than a few tricks about calibrating guns in the military. I think I can improve the cannon and machine gun on the mako.”

“Do it!” Shepard nodded. “You are in charged of the mako from now on.”

“You sure? I'm not with the Alliance...”

“You are on my team. I want you to do what you do best. The Normandy can only take us to the planet, but once on the surface, we have to rely on the mako. And you have to make sure we have enough fire power to take down whatever is on our path.”

Garrus grinned. Calibrating guns? He could do that in his sleep. “Of course, Commander. Thank you for trusting me.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him with a tiny smirk. “You will be in the mako with me, so if the gun doesn't work, we'll both be dead. I trust you are not suicidal?”

“Far from it,” said Garrus with chuckle. “Thank you for being me along, Commander. This is definitely better than being stuck at C-Sec.”

“You have been with C-Sec for a while, have you seen much action?”

“Well, not as much as you, but yeah... I've seen some interesting things.”

“I bet you have. Anything interesting stories to share?”

“I remember this salarian geneticist that I was assigned to investigate. That case was a bit... disturbing.”

“What happened?”

“I was tasked with tracking black market trade on the Citadel. Most of them harmless, nothing I needed to pursue. But during the course of my investigation, I noticed an increase in the trade of body parts, organs mostly. We usually get a few of those, but not the number I'd received. We weren't sure if there was a new black market lab, or some freaks were harvesting organs from the citizens.”

Shepard scowled. “You've seen this before on the Citadel?”

Garrus nodded and explained patiently, “Every so often, so labs sells unwanted parts to the black market. But they're not as bad as to cite them. I remember this one elcor diplomat we caught in my first year on the job, he was hacking people up and selling their organs, had the station in a bit of a panic. But this case wasn't as clear cut, turns out there was more going on that we first realized.”

“So how did you figure out what was happening?”

“First, we got a hold of a sample and ran DNA tests. The weird thing was, it was a match to a turian who was still alive and was very convinced he had never lost his liver. After a bit of digging, I discovered this turian worked briefly for Dr. Saleon, the geneticist. So I went to his lab, hoping to find evidence of cloned organs. But there was nothing. No salarian heart, no turian liver, not one krogan testicle.”

The commander laughed. “You're kidding, right? Why would anyone want krogan testicles?”

Garrus managed to keep a straight face to explain, “Some krogans believe that testicle transplant can increase their virility, counteract the effect of genophage. It doesn't work, but that doesn't stop them from buying. They'd pay up to ten thousand credits each, forty thousand for a full set. Somebody's making a killing out of them.”

“I didn't know they have four. So what'd you do about the geneticist?”

He was glad she dropped the topic on krogan testicles. “I brought in some of the employees for interrogation, to see if I can get them to talk. While I was interviewing one of them, I came across something suspicious. One of my detainees started bleeding profusely during the interview. We offered to patch him up, and he got frantic, freaked out. I ordered a full exam to find out what was going on. Our medic found incisions all over his body, some of them fresh. That was our big break. These people weren't just Saleon's employees, they were test tubes, walking living test tubes.”

Shepard made a face. “He was growing parts inside this people?”

Garrus grimaced a little also as he recalled the details. He had seen enough both in the military and C-Sec, yet this case was particular gruesome. “Exactly. He cloned their organs right inside their bodies. Then he harvested them and sold them off. Most of the victims were poor, he paid them a small percentage of the sale, but only if the organs were good. Sometimes the organ wouldn't grow properly so he'd just leave it in there. Most of them were a mess... But only on the inside, hidden, so nobody could see it.”

“I hope he got what he deserved.”

“That's the worst part, we never caught him.”

A scowl came along. “Why not? What the hell happened?”

“He ran. Blew his labs and grabbed some of his employees as hostages and headed for the nearest space dock. By the time I found out the ship was already leaving. He threatened to kill his hostages if we tried to stop him.”

Blue eyes widened slightly in anticipation. “But you ran after him anyway, right?”

He almost didn't want to bring her the bad news. “I ordered Citadel defense to shoot him down, but C-Sec headquarter countermanded my order. They were worried about the hostages, worried about civilian casualty if the ship was destroyed so close to the Citadel. I told them those hostages were dead anyway. He'd just use them to make more organs. They wouldn't listen.”

“They could remotely disable the ship, those idiots! Think about all the people he would make into test tubes if he got away,” said Shepard in exasperation.

He nodded, glad she shared his view. “Exactly. Those hostages probably wished they were dead anyway. All they had to do what disable the ship and stop him running. Maybe the hostages die, maybe they don't, but at least we stop the bastard responsible for it all.”

The commander was not pleased. “So he got away just like that?”

”They sent the military after him, but he got away, just the same. I went to Pallin and told him what I thought of him and his policies, he said if I didn't like it, I could quit. I almost did. Just wish I could've stopped him. That's all.”

Shepard snorted. “I met Pallin. He didn't like me either.”

“I'm not surprised. He doesn't like Spectres.”

“Do you have any idea what happened to Dr. Saleon?”

“I found him a while back. He changed ship and changed his name to Dr. Heart, his idea of a joke, I guess. I told the military but they weren't convince it was him. I got a transponder frequency for his new ship but I couldn't get anyone to check it out.”

“I'll check out the coordinate when we have a chance.”

“I was hoping you'd say that. I'll give Joker the coordinate. Thanks, Commander.”

“No problem. We'll nail this guy. Can't let a psycho like that run loose.”

Joker's voice rang through the comm. “Bridge to Commander. We are approaching Therum. ETA thirty minutes.”

“Time to gear up,” said Shepard. “Let's see how good of a sniper you really are, Garrus.”

“I won't disappoint you, Commander. I'll always have your back.”

Shepard smiled. “Couldn't ask for more.”

  
  


\-------

A/N: Garrus will show up more in part 2. Part 1 is Shepard and Kaidan show. Thanks for reading!


	8. Therum

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  


Chapter 7: Therum

Year: 2183CE

Location: Therum

  


Crawling through a planet full of Geth was not Shepard's idea of fun. But she had a job to do and Shepard was never one to complain, not out loud anyway. Her new team had been working exceptionally well together. With all six of them, the Geth they had to face on their way to retrieve Dr. T'Soni had not been a real threat.

Until now.

Another pulse cannon fired at her way courtesy of the Geth Armature she had been fighting, Shepard immediately ducked behind a crate. Through unharmed, she felt the heat from the blast. Her shield was fading. She swore under her breath as she took her chance and peeked out of her cover to shoot that giant machine creature before it could charge up for its next attack.

Around her gunshots rang constantly as her other five team members fought the rest of the Geth, covering her as she focused her attention on the Armature. The creature's cannon started to glow too bright, it was enough of a warning signal. Shepard had its sole attention, just as she intended. Its beam was targeted at her, not her crew.

“Come get me, you bastard!” Shepard said as she rolled out of her cover. For a few precious seconds, she was out in the open. The Armature locked onto her and released its beam. Shepard leaped away and barely made it to another cover before the beam could fry her. That was close, even for her taste, although the adrenaline pumped in her veins did make her feel more alive than ever.

“You okay, Commander?” She heard Kaidan through her earpiece.

“Yeah!”

“Nice move, Shepard!” said Wrex between gunshots.

Without risking to check their currently positions, Shepard could only guess they were close enough to see her stunt. Shepard had no time to retort as the beam continuously blasted at her cover. She had to move before it blew up. This time, she was a second too late. The crate exploded and sent her flying. Shepard hit the ground with a roll to lessen the impact. Her remaining shield absorbed most of the damage.

“Commander!”

It was just her luck that the beam stopped to recharge. Shepard picked up her rifle and jumped back on her feet to face that giant machine head on once and for all.

“Cover me!” she ordered as she unloaded her bullets at the Armature. She saw sparks coming through as its legs started to buckle. There were only two things in her world right now: her gun and her target. She put her life in her teammates' hands as she stood in the open and fired away at the Armature before it could recharge one more time. Finally it collapsed, but an unexpected explosion followed. Shepard was too close to it, the explosion sent her flying backwards second time in a roll. And this time, she could definitely feel the pain from the rough landing and the heat from the fire. “Damn it! Shield's down!”

She quickly got back to her feet and glanced around. All the covers around her were at least a good ten meters away. Her luck ran out.

“Behind you!” Garrus warned.

Shepard whipped around and fired at the first Geth she saw. But the other two Geth already spotted her and readied to shoot. It was then all of a sudden one Geth turned its weapon to the other and started shooting it instead of Shepard.

“Down, you bosh'tet!” Tali's voice mumbled through her radio.

Shepard couldn't hold back a grin as she helped the hacked Geth finished off its partner.

Before the hacked one regained its control, its shield suddenly exploded. It saved Shepard some trouble to guess whose handiwork it was when she heard Kaidan said, “Now, Commander!”

Shepard fired at it immediately.

“Oh crap, there are more!” said Garrus as he fired a shot, dropping a Geth closing in on Shepard with a single shot penetrating its head.

Shepard swore under her breath. With her shield gone temporarily , she had to run for cover. But before she could sprint, a hand grabbed her by her arm and pulled her close. “Stay with me until your shield's recharged,” said Kaidan as he held up a biotic sphere around them.

“Get her out of there, L-T. We'll handle this,” said Ashley through gunfire.

She felt a rather pleasant tingle inside the bubble shield as they ran to the nearest cover. When they reached a cover and his biotic shield was powered down, Shepard was strangely disappointed that the sphere was gone. Although, even through her armor, she could feel slight warm tingle from his hand that was still on her arm. That almost liquid-like blue glow was shimmering around him. She had never been this close to Kaidan when he used his biotics in battlefield. This was the first time she noticed that telltale shimmer even reached his eyes, making them glow in the same mesmerizing shade of blue. It was fascinating to watch as the level of the brilliance shifted, brighter this second, dimmer the next, yet never lost its shine. So much so Shepard didn't know she was staring until he called out to her.

“Are you all right, Commander?”

Shepard blinked and mentally slapped herself out of it. “Yeah... Thanks.”

“No problem.” He smiled at her. Was it a friendly smile, or was it because he caught her staring, Shepard didn't want to know.

She picked up her rifle and peeked out, focusing her attention on anywhere but that hypnotic blue glow. Out of frustration, she aimed and fired at the only Geth available.

“That's the last one,” Garrus confirmed after it went down.

Shepard gladly walked away from her shelter, away from that few seconds of momentary lapse of control. But, deep down, she did miss that biotic tingle.

“Sensor shows two lifeforms inside a mine ahead,” Kaidan reported after checking his omni-tool.

“One of them must be Benezia's daughter,” said Shepard. “The other could be trouble, be ready for anything. Come on, let's find this Doctor T'Soni and see if she's on her mother's side.”

“And if she is?” asked Ashley.

“We'll take her with us either way. Willingly or not.”

“If she's on Benezia's side, you should just kill her and save you some trouble down the road,” Wrex suggested.

“No. I want her alive,” Shepard ordered. “I need her to talk.”

Garrus casually rested the barrel of his sniper rifle on his shoulder. “Yeah, last I heard, you can't squeeze information out of dead bodies. They aren't exactly talkative.”

Shepard nodded. “Even if she's on her mother's side, we might have a bargaining chip.”

“A hostage?” said Ashley. “Damn, Commander, I thought you're only good with your guns.”

Shepard chose not to comment on that. All is fair in love and war, or so people had been saying for centuries. Especially when the stake was as high as galactic destruction.

“Let's go.” Shepard took the lead and headed to the mine. “Is it me or is it getting hotter here by the minute? I need a cold shower after this.”

* * *

  


Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Cockpit

  


“You know, I've heard a lot about Shepard's crazy stunts, but I've never really bought it until today,” said Joker as he adjusted his SR-1 cap out of habit.

“You should have seen her on the ground,” said Kaidan from the co-pilot seat while he checked on Normandy's systems. “Almost gave me a heart attack when she finished off a Geth Armature without a cover.”

“Pfft, can't be worse than having me landing my ship in the middle of an earthquake with lava spilling through, threatening to melt my baby. The haul's okay, right?”

“Everything's okay. No complaints from the engineering. Diagnostic looks fine.”

“Yeah, our Normandy is faster and tougher than any other ships in the Alliance. Who's a good girl? Yes, you are,” the pilot seemed to talk to his ship as a person. Kaidan shook his head at that.

Soft footsteps behind them announced that they were no longer alone in the cockpit.

“Boss is here, look busy,” Joker whispered jokingly.

Ignoring his advice, Kaidan turned to greet the commander, “Commander.”

“Hey, Kaidan. Joker.” Shepard nodded. Her hair was still slightly damp from shower, the skin on her arms was partially red from the burn during the fight she had with the Armature.

“Have you seen Dr. Chakwas?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah, she patched me up.” She held up her arms and inspected them. “Not as bad as it looks. It'll be gone in a couple days.”

Joker glanced up at the commander with a straight face. “Hey, Commander, just so you know, I prefer gold to silver. You know when you recommend the brass to give me a medal for saving your ass from molten lava.”

Shepard folded her arms and looked at her pilot. “So you're willing to sit for hours to listen to the brass going on and on about nothing, just for a piece of shiny metal?”

Kaidan added with a hint of smirk, “Yeah, and you have to shave too.”

“Shave? Nothing's worth that much trouble. Not gonna shave this baby.” Joker made a face and touched his own beard. “Took me seven weeks to grow it.”

“Seven weeks?” Kaidan chuckled. “Come on. Really?”

“What? I don't see you growing a beard.”

“Because I don't want to. And I'm not too lazy to shave everyday.”

“Let me tell you something, Alenko, it takes a lot of work to maintain a beard like mine. Besides, the women like it.” Joker turned to Shepard. “Right, Commander?”

Kaidan shook his head in disbelief. “Ignore him, Commander.”

“It depends on the person.” She shrugged then gave Joker an appraising look. “You, Joker, definitely with beard.”

Joker grinned in triumph.

“It makes you look less like a kid playing with a giant ship,” Shepard clarified with a smirk, effectively wiped off that grin on Joker's face.

Kaidan tried to hide a laugh but failed.

“Come on!” the pilot complained. “Real men have beard. Don't tell me you like those smooth-as-baby's-ass faces like Kaidan's.”

Kaidan was tempted to smack the back of Joker's head, but he didn't have to. “Careful now,” Shepard warned with an arched eyebrow and a smirk. “Are you suggesting Captain Anderson isn't a real man?”

At least Joker had the decency to look horrified for a second. “Er... forget I said that.”

“Well you did save our asses, so consider it forgotten.”

“That's it? Aw. There's no medal for my heroic performance already, you could at least buy me a drink.”

Shepard shook her head. “Fine, I owe you a drink. Stop pouting.”

Joker turned to Kaidan with a lopsided grin. “See? That's how you score free drinks.”

Kaidan gave the pilot a look before turning his attention back to the commander. “How's Captain Anderson, Commander?”

“He sounds fine, but you know how he is. That man could take a bullet and you wouldn't even know unless he told you,” said the commander. “I updated him on our mission. And he gave me another lead.”

Kaidan knew as a Spectre, Shepard didn't even need to report back to Anderson. Yet she chose to. It was quite admirable for her to keep her former CO in the loop.

“Where to?” asked Joker as he became serious and turned back to the consoles in front of him.

“Feros, in Attican Beta.”

Joker's fingers danced on the console. “Theseus System... What's on Feros?”

“The captain said the colony there dropped out of contact recently, and the last report they have was about Geth sighting.”

“That's not much to go by,” Kaidan commented.

“That's all we have until we have another lead,” said Shepard.

“What about Dr. T'Soni?” he asked

“I will talk to her and find out what she knows after she gets some rest. I've already asked the Alliance Intel to forward some info on Dr. T'Soni and Benezia, let's see what they can find.”

“You don't trust her story?”

Shepard didn't answer directly. “I want confirmation. Can't afford to make a mistake here.”

“Or your head is on the block,” Joker added with a sagely nod. “Smart move, Commander.”

“My head is the least of my concern. The stake is much higher: the lives of the entire galaxy to be exact.” Shepard's expression turned grim. Kaidan couldn't imagine the pressure she had put on herself. But the commander was quick enough to compose herself and faced him. “What do you think about Dr. T'Soni, Kaidan?”

“Well, she seems genuine enough, from what we've seen. Her interests and knowledge in Protheans and their technologies could help us. But... er...”

Shepard gave him a knowing look. “Go ahead. Off the record.”

“Off the record. The way she looks at you, it's like she wants to dissect you out of scientific curiosity. No offense, ma'am.”

Joker snickered while Shepard laughed. “None taken.”

“She's an interesting lady though,” Kaidan mused out loud.

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. “Any intentions there, Lieutenant?”

“None, Commander,” he replied as quickly and firmly as he could. That last thing he wanted was for her to get the wrong idea. “She's nice if you like the bookish type. But I prefer adventurous women.”

“Of course you do,” said Joker with a smirk.

Kaidan once again refuse to bite Joker's bait. “Commander, Dr. T'Soni spends most of her time alone in some remote ruins, she's not used to dealing with human.”

“What? You don't think I'm the perfect representation of humanity?” The smile she gave him was surprisingly sweet with a hint of predatory edge. Kaidan didn't know if he should find it lovely or scary. Or maybe both. “Don't worry, Kaidan. I'll be on my best behavior.”

“What he meant was,” said Joker, “tone down your sarcasm, Commander.”

“I only use it on you, Joker.”

“Don't I feel special!”

  



	9. Cupid's Arrows

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 8: Cupid's Arrows

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Medical Bay

  
  


The subtle hum of the ship was strangely soothing. Liara allowed herself to relax on the bed in the Medical Bay for a moment longer. It had been a while since she had last slept on a bed. Ever since she had taken an interest in Prothean history, Liara had seen the inside of a tent more often than the interior of a proper bedroom. Her effort had paid off; after fifty years of study, she had made a name in the academic circle as a highly regarded Prothean expert. Liara T'Soni had finally stepped out of her mother's overwhelming long shadow and be recognized due to her own accomplishment. But for now, her research had to be on hold, all because of Benezia, her dear mother.

How could the woman who raised her and taught her everything turned to such an evil path? Liara could hardly believe it, but the commander who had saved her seemed to be telling the truth, at least she had no reason to lie. With so many questions on her mind, Liara was restless even though physically she was exhausted. In times of uncertainty, she always turned to something most familiar to her: research. To her, knowledge was power; the only thing she could do for now was to research on Saren and possible links to Prothean.

Through her half-asleep haze, Liara heard the door to the Medical Bay opened with a faint hiss, then came Dr. Chakwas' voice, “Commander.”

“How's Dr. T'Soni?” the commander asked quietly as if trying not to disturb her sleep.

“Dr. T'Soni is fine. Minor sleep deprivation and dehydration. With proper rest, she'll be fine.”

“Thank you, doctor. I'll come back later.”

It would be extremely impolite of her not to thank the person who had saved her today. Liara opened her eyes and sat up. That had gotten the commander's attention.

“Dr. T'Soni.” The commander nodded at her politely. “I didn't mean to wake you.”

Liara got out of the bed. “Not at all, Commander. I couldn't sleep. There are too many questions on my mind.”

Out of her armor and unarmed, Shepard looked less intimidating. Liara took a quick moment to study the hero who had saved her from the Geth. The commander was about her own height, fair skin contrasted with jet black hair, and eyes as blue as the lake in the park she used to frequent as a child.

“You look much better,” said the commander. “How are you feeling?”

“Dr. Chakwas has assured me I'm going to be fine. I was impressed with her knowledge on asari physiology.”

Shepard nodded. “You're in good hand. Dr. Chakwas knows what she's doing.”

“I never properly thank you for saving me from the Geth, Commander. If you hadn't shown up, I...”

“Don't mention it. I'm just glad we got there in time.”

“So am I. I know you took a chance bringing me abroad this ship. I've seen the way your crew looks at me, they do not trust me. But I'm not like Benezia. I'll do whatever I can to help you stop Saren. I promise.”

“Don't worry about the crew, give them some time to get to know you. I hope you'll understand where they are coming from. We don't know much about Benezia, all we have is the recording of her voice along with Saren's savaged from a Geth.”

“Recording?”

Shepard booted up her omni-tool and played a audio clip for her.

“Eden Prime was a major victory,” said a male voice in the clip. “The beacon has brought us one step closer to finding the Conduit.”

“And one step closer to the return of the Reapers,” a female voice responded.

Liara's blood chilled.

“It's... It's her...” She suddenly felt sick to her stomach. It was her mother's voice, yet it didn't sound anything like the Benezia she had known. Her head started to spin and she stumbled back.

Shepard reached out to hold her arms and steadied her. “You okay?”

Liara leaned against the side of the bed and nodded. “I'm sorry. It was too shocking...”

“I understand. If you need more time to process, I can come back later.”

“No, I'm fine, Commander. I want to help.” She took several long deep breath to calm herself. She was grateful Shepard waited patiently for her to recover.

“Do you know what the Conduit is?”

Liara shook her head. “I've only heard bits and pieces about the Conduit during my study. I believe it's linked to the Prothean extinction. But beyond that...”

Shepard paused for a moment before she asked, “Do you have any idea why Benezia joined up with Saren?”

It was the same question Liara had asked herself over again since she had heard the news. “I don't understand it. She was always outspoken about the need for the asaris to become more involved in shaping galactic events. Maybe she thought aligning with Saren would somehow be for the greater good in the long run. At least I hope so...”

Shepard studied her. “This hurts you, doesn't it?” she asked gently.

Liara was surprised by her keen observation, yet she felt too ashamed to admit it out loud. “None of these makes any sense to me. I've not spoken to Benezia in many years, but I know her, and this is not like her. Something changed.”

“Something must have happened,” the commander agreed. “Whatever it is, I intend to find out.”

“And I will help in any way I can.”

“If we are going to work together, I'd like to know more about you.”

“Me?” That was unexpected. Liara couldn't help but feel awkwardly self-conscious. “I'm... afraid I'm not very interesting, Commander. I spend most of my time on remote digs, unearthing mundane items buried in long forgotten Prothean ruins.”

“Sounds dangerous, and lonely.”

There was something about the way the commander looked at her that made her feel like she was the only one in that mattered in the galaxy. Liara began to relax. “Until the Geth followed me to Artemis Tau, I've never found myself in any situation that my biotics could not handle. As for the solitude, well... that is one aspect that most appeal to me. Sometimes I just need to get always from other people.”

“How come?” the commander asked with genuine interest.

Liara smiled wistfully. “I supposed it comes with being the Matriarch's daughter. People expected me in following Benezia's footsteps, they wanted me to become a leader of our people. Matriarchs guide their followers into the future, they seek the truth of what is yet to come. Maybe that's why I'm so interested in seeking the secret of the past.” Liara paused with a smile. “It sounds so foolish when I say it out loud. It sounds like I became an archeologist simply to spike Benezia.”

“Not foolish at all,” Shepard responded with a gentle smile. “All children rebel against their parents. It's a natural part of growing up.”

Liara let out a soft laughter, rather impressed by the young commander. “You shared the wisdom of the matriarch, Commander. That's exactly what Benezia said when I told her my decision. But there was more to it than that. I felt drawn to the past. The Protheans were this wondrous, mysterious figures. I wanted to know everything about them. That is why I find you so fascinating.”

Shepard seemed amused. “You find me fascinating?”

Liara nodded. “You were marked by the beacon on Eden Prime. You were touched by working Prothean technology.”

There was a twinkle in those stunning blue eyes. “Sounds like you wanted to dissect me in the lab somewhere.”

Liara gasped as her eyes widened in shock. “What?! No! I did not mean to insinuate-- er, I never mean to offend you, Commander. I only meant that you'd be an interesting specimen for an in depth study-- No... That's even worse...”

Shepard chuckled. “Calm down. I was only joking.”

“Joking? Oh, by the Goddess! How could I be so dense!” She wanted nothing more than to crawl in a hole. “You must think I'm an complete and utter fool.”

The commander shook her head. “No, I don't. I think you are passionate about your work, and it shows.”

“Thank you for being so kind, Commander. Now you know why I prefer to spend my time on the field with data disks and computers. I always seem to say something embarrassing around other people. Please, just pretend this conversation never happened...”

“What conversation?” Shepard asked with a remarkably innocent face.

Liara gave her a grateful smile.

“Is this your first time on an Alliance military ship?”

“Yes, it is.”

“If you have any questions, feel free to ask me or Lieutenant Alenko. He is our marine detail commander.”

“Lieutenant Alenko?” Liara recalled from her escape. “His biotics were pretty impressive.”

“Couldn't agree more.” The faint smile that played on Shepard's lips was quite sweet, although it disappeared all too quickly. “You should get more rest, Dr. T'Soni.”

“Please, just call me Liara.”

“We skipped the formal introduction, did we?” The commander extended a hand. “My name is Aerin. Aerin Shepard.”

Liara took the commander's hand in hers, it was warm and surprisingly soft. “That's a beautiful name, Commander. It suits you.”

Shepard seemed surprised to hear that. “Thank you, Liara.”

“Bridge to Commander,” said the pilot through the comm system. “You have an incoming message from Alliance Intelligence.”

“On my way,” Shepard answered then turned back to her. “Excuse me.”

“Of course.” Her eyes followed the commander's retreating form until the door in the Medical Bay closed behind her.

The ship captain was interesting, very interesting, Liara mused silently.

“Excuse me, Dr. Chawkas? Is there a terminal I could use to do some research?”

“There is one in the lab behind. Feel free to use it,” said Dr. Chawkas. “I suggest you get some rest first.”

“I will. Soon. Thank you.” Liara nodded politely and headed to the lab.

She sat in front of the terminal and began her research on the extranet. On the search screen, she typed three words: Commander Aerin Shepard.

 

* * *

 

  
  


Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Cargo Bay

  
  


Shepard could hear the conversation outside the elevator before its door opened.

“You're calibrating it wrong, Vakarian,” said Tali.

“I don't think so. I know what I'm doing,” Garrus replied.

“You can increase the output by 2 percent if you-- Here, just let me show you.” The petite quarian shoved the tall turian aside and took over the console.

“You are sacrificing the load time for just a bit more power,” said Garrus.

“Sometimes the extra two percent is all you need to kill things in one shot.”

“And if it didn't die in one shot, you'd wish it had faster reload time.”

“We still have machine gun meanwhile, Vakarian.”

Shepard interrupted their argument rather loudly, “How's our mako?”

“Repairs are mostly done, Commander,” said Kaidan from the inside of the vehicle.

“That was fast.”

“Yeah, thanks to Tali. She's really good.”

The quarian turned to face her with what Shepard imagined to be a broad smile behind the mask. “It's easy. I've repaired ships my whole life. We have all the spared parts around, it's just a matter of changing them.”

“Thank you, Tali. I'm glad we have you around.”

Shepard noticed Garrus took the opportunity to take over the console while Tali was distracted. The subtle beeps alerted the quarian as she whipped around and saw her work had been altered. “Hey! What are you doing?”

Garrus quickly finished and took a step back. “There, take a look.”

“2.1 percent increase without losing the loading time? How... how did you do that?”

Shepard tried to peek at the console.

Garrus merely shrugged. “Guess I have some tricks up my sleeve.”

“Show me,” Tali demanded, and Garrus obliged.

“The sensors are back online, everything's functional. The mako is ready to go, Commander,” Kaidan reported as he stepped out of the mako.

“Thanks, Kaidan.” Shepard noticed a smudge of dirt on his face. “You have something there...”

For a second, he was confused. Instead of wasting her breath to explain, she reached out to wipe it off without thinking. “There.”

That momentarily stunted the lieutenant, although he recovered very quickly. “Er... thanks.”

“I asked Dr. T'Soni to come to either one of us if she has any questions. She's never been on an Alliance ship.”

Kaidan nodded. “Of course, I'll help her. So how's Dr. T'Soni doing?”

“She's doing better. When we talked about her mother, she seemed genuinely upset. I think she's being straight with us, at least I don't think she lies very often. The Alliance Intel have already sent me the files on her and Benezia. I'll read through them later.”

“Did she tell you anything about her mother?”

”The Benezia she remembers would not betray everyone and join Saren. She said her mother's always outspoken about asaris being more involved with galactic events.”

Kaidan paused to think. “Hmm. A person doesn't change just like that. Something must have happened then.”

She nodded. “That's what I'm guessing as well.”

“But what would make a person turn around and betray her beliefs?”

“There must be some reasons. Matriarchs are known to be wise and powerful. Benezia has probably lived a thousand years, simple manipulation on wouldn't work on her. Saren could fool the Council, but a Matriarch?” Shepard shook her head. “There's a missing piece in this puzzle.”

“Several missing pieces,” Kaidan agreed. “And Dr. T'Soni has no idea at all?”

”No... She hasn't talked to her mother for many years.”

“Years? I know the asaris have longer lifespan, but if I don't talk to my mom for weeks, she would kill me.”

Shepard smiled a little. “Mine probably wouldn't even notice. She's always busy.”

“Your mother knows you're a Spectre now, right?”

“From the news, I guess. I haven't talked to her. Thing's been... crazy to say the least.”

“Yeah. Like facing an army of Geth on a daily basis type of crazy. But really, using yourself as a bait and taking down an Armature twice your height by yourself? That's some crazy tactic, Commander.”

“Hey, it worked!” she protested then added, “Couldn't have done it without all of you covering me.”

“You scared the hell out of me.”

“Sorry,” Shepard jokingly apologized with a smirk. It was then she remembered something. “I didn't get to properly thank you for saving my ass. So thanks, I owe you one.”

“You're welcome. I have your back.” He flashed an easy smile.

“I have to say I had never been shielded by biotic barrier like yours. It's pretty--” She cut herself off just in time before the next word slip out. The word that came to her mind would have been extremely inappropriate to use. But her brain chose this particular moment to freeze, she couldn't seem find another more fitting term beside 'hot'. “It was an interesting experience.”

“My L2 chip spikes higher than L3,” Kaidan explained patiently. “My shield is stronger, so is the static you can feel inside.”

“Yeah, must be the static...” She was keenly aware of those warm brown eyes had never left her. Suddenly she felt more self-conscious than she liked. Still, she managed to hold onto her composed front, although barely. “I'm glad to have you by my side.”

“Wouldn't want to be anywhere else, Commander.”

She smiled at that before she even realized what she was doing. Composing herself rather quickly, she motioned her datapad. “I should study the files the intel sent over.”

Shepard marched back into the elevator then took a sharp breath and blinked hard to clear her thoughts. What the hell was wrong with her? The Prothean beacon must have messed up her head more than she had realized. She needed a drink. Or three.

If only the turians had put a bar on the Normandy.

  
  



	10. Feros

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 9: Feros

Year: 2183CE

Location: Feros ExoGeni Bunker

  
  


One thing Shepard hated more than anything else was being threatened, especially by an idiot who dared to point a gun at her face.

“Stay back!” yelled Ethan Jeong, the representative of ExoGeni.

Shepard reached for her pistol and aimed it squarely at his brain. After fighting through a building full of Geth, Shepard was in no mood for any unneeded threats. As much as she was tempted to pull the trigger and be on her way to deal with a much bigger problem, namely a mind-controlling plant, she wouldn't allow herself to do that.

Blue eyes narrowed, gauging the situation quickly and quietly. There were four security guards, two on each side. Ashley pointed her rifle at the two of them nearby who wisely lowered all their weapons. Tali and Wrex's shotguns convinced the other two guards to stand down just as effectively. Kaidan and Garrus both had their weapons aimed at Jeong.

Shepard liked the odds and decided to let the situation play out.

“Why are you doing this, Jeong?”

“You found out our secret, didn't you?”

“The Thorian.”

“It's over... It's all over!”

“It's not over until you pull the trigger. Put your gun down,” said Shepard calmly.

“You're not supposed to come back!” Jeong said. “I guess it's too much to hope that the Geth in the headquarters would kill you. I know who you are. I did a background check on you while you were gone. You're that damn hero in the Skyllian Blitz.”

Shepard paused for a second to consider her options. As much as she would usually avoid the attention she got from the Blitz, there were times when her reputation was quite useful in demoralizing her enemy. Why not played the cards she had dealt with to her best advantage?

“So you ran a background check on me? Then you should know I am capable of,” said Shepard. “Wave after wave of batarian slavers attacking me for three days. But here I am, still alive. And now, there's only you against all of us. What do you think the outcome will be?”

There was an obvious flicker of doubt appeared on his face. “I... I've read all about you, Shepard. You're the hero type. You won't kill civilians!”

“You have been upgraded from being a civilian to a threat the moment you pointed your gun at me. Congratulations.” Shepard made a show to adjust her aim. “I'll let you choose, do you want a bullet between your eyes, or one through your lung? One would kill you instantly, the other would have you choke on your own blood until you die. So where do you want it, Jeong? I don't miss.”

“Come on, Shepard, just shoot already,” said Wrex. “You can't be threatened by this pyjak. You have a reputation to keep.”

“He's right,” Shepard said to Jeong.

“I say give him a slow, painful death, Commander,” Garrus suggested.

“I like the sound of that.” Shepard smirked as she stared down the barrel of the gun pointing at her, so casually almost like the weapon was nothing but a toy. “Should I listen to him?”

Shepard watched as his face turned sickly green, his gun hand shaking vigorously. Panic struck in his eyes as he reconsidered his situation.

“Are you afraid?” asked Shepard. “This is probably the first time you have a gun pointing at your face. Welcome to my life, Jeong. Tell you what, we'll even the odds here. Just you and me. Lower your weapon, Lieutenant,” she ordered then gave Kaidan a meaningful glance, “you don't need that.”

Much to her relief, Kaidan caught on immediately. She recognized that familiar faint glow of blue pulsing from his hand right after he holstered his gun. “You too, Garrus.”

Kaidan gave Garrus a nod when the two men exchanged a look. Garrus lowered his sniper rifle, but Shepard noticed the tip of the rifle barrel was pointing at Jeong's knee ever so subtly.

“Now it's just you and me. Lower your weapon now or I'll shoot. Make up your mind, I don't have all day. You have five seconds to decide or I'll make the decision for you. Five...” Shepard started taking sidesteps as she counted, allowing Kaidan to have a direct view of Jeong. “Four...”

“Three...”

The gun pointed at her face had started to lower in his shaky grip.

“Kaidan, now!”

Jeong was momentarily distracted by the confusion. Before he could even properly aim again, a sudden biotic force threw him across the room and slammed him against the wall.

Shepard turned to her lieutenant, beaming with pride. “Nicely done, Lieutenant. Glad you didn't kill him with your mind.”

“If you wanted him dead, he'd be dead by now.”

Her eyebrow raised with a smile remained. “Since when have you known me so well?”

There was a hint of satisfaction flashed across his face briefly. “How come I've a feeling you enjoyed threatening him?”

She gave him her most innocent look. “Me?”

Wrex kicked the pistol away and lifted up the ExoGeni representative by his collar. “What do you want to do with him, Commander?”

“The secret... it won't get out!” said Jeong with a renewed sense of confidence while struggling to free himself from the krogan's grasp. “The communications to the outside world has returned and our company is planning to purge the entire colony!”

“You asshole!” said Ashley, aiming her gun at Jeong.

“We are all going to die here,” Jeong announced. “I don't care if you kill me now. I'm the only one with the code to communicate with our company. You won't stop the purge without me.”

“Commander, I don't think he's bluffing,” said Kaidan quietly, his brows knitted.

Shepard knew he was right. She had long learned that some battles couldn't be won with guns and bombs; they required a certain finesse. This was one of them.

“No one dies today,” said Shepard, carefully masking her frustration and fear. “Wrex, put him down.”

The krogan battlemaster dropped him grudgingly.

“And here I thought you were a smart man, Jeong,” Shepard commented casually, even though she wanted nothing more than to punch that bastard's face. “You made two mistakes today.”

There was a hint of confusion on Jeong's face. That was what she was looking for. “Wha--?”

“First, you threatened to kill me, that was a big mistake. And now, you did nothing to stop the purge. Not only do you have the colonists' blood on your hands, you let a golden opportunity slip right by you. And you call yourself the representative of ExoGeni? Shame, I would have done a much better job than you. Maybe ExoGeni should have hired me instead.”

“What do you know about running a business?” asked Jeong indignantly. “You're nothing but a soldier!”

“Yet, this soldier could see an extremely profitable opportunity for ExoGeni, while you, the 'representative', completely missed it when it's right under your nose. What does it say about your ability to do your job?”

“Profitable opportunity?” Those two words caught his full attention.

Shepard scoffed and shook her head in disbelief. “Come on, Jeong, you seriously can't see it?”

“What?!” The man became more agitated by the mockery.

“This colony is a gold mine. Think about it. A human colony survived the Geth attack against all odds, the news would spread across the galaxy within one day. Feros would be the antithesis of Eden Prime, a beacon of hope for the rest of human colonies. It would be the new vacation capital in the galaxy because of its new fame and what it represents. ExoGeni could help colonists to rebuild and expand Feros, then build and run hotels and theme parks for the tourists.” Shepard watched as Jeong's face lit up in realization. “Think about how much money you could make! But... too bad...”

“Too bad? What?” Jeong asked in alarm.

“You called for the purge already.” Shepard shrugged. “Guess you'd rather die a failure than live as the hero of your company.”

“No! It has to stop. I'll finally get the promotion I deserve with this proposal.” Jeong rushed to the communication console.

Hook, line, and sinker.

Shepard let out a silent sigh of relief and briefly glanced at her team while Jeong retracted the purge order and communicated with his headquarters.

“Did she just...?” Ashley whispered to Kaidan.

“Yeah... she did...” he replied back just as quietly.

Shepard gave them a tiny smirk before turning her attention back to Jeong.

“The HQ loves this plan,” Jeong announced in absolute delight.

“And the purge?” Shepard asked.

“Stopped, of course!” He scoffed as if it's the most ridiculous question in the galaxy.

“Good...” Shepard reached out to Jeong and grabbed an handful of his shirt to pull him close to her. “Normally I'll shoot whoever is stupid enough to point a gun at my face, but I'll let you slide this time for the sake of the colony,” she said quietly with a deadly calm voice. “Make it up to all the colonists, treat them well and you'll have a lucrative business here on Feros. If I ever hear one single complaint from them about you or ExoGeni, I will come hunt you done. And this time, I don't let you choose where your bullet will be.”

“...You...you can't do that!”

“Can't I?” A smirk slowly appeared on her face. “Didn't the extranet tell you? I am a Spectre. We operate above the law. The Council will thank me for cleaning house. Do you think they'll be happy to find out ExoGeni's keeping a Thorian in Feros behind their back, endangering the entire colony?”

His face once again turned into an interesting shade of green.

She released him and stepped back. “Play nice with the colonists and you'll never see me again.”

“You let him get away too easily, Shepard,” said Wrex. “Should have smacked his head against the wall a few times.”

Shepard shrugged. “What can I say? I'm a softie.” She was tempted to call Joker to bring in a security team to arrest Jeong, but she had a more urgent matter at hand. “We've wasted enough time here, we need to get back to Zhu's Hope.”

“Wait, Commander,” said Elizabeth Baynham. “Please try not to hurt any colonists. It's my fault, not theirs.”

“Is there any other way to get to the Thorian without going through Zhu's Hope?” asked Shepard.

The younger Baynham shook her head.

“You could use gas grenades,” Juilana Baynham suggested. “I have pesticide that would be strong enough to knock down those who are already weakened by the mind controlled. They wouldn't affect any of you.”

Shepard considered for a moment. “All right.”

“Let me modify the grenades for you.”

Shepard turned back to her team. “Let's do this without shooting any colonist.”

“Of course, Commander,” said Kaidan.

“They'll be expecting us,” said Garrus.

“Then let's hope the grenades work.”

  
  



	11. You Are Not Alone

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 10: You are Not Alone

Year: 2183CE

Location: Feros Zhu's Hope

  
  


There were the two words Kaidan had come to fear in battlefields lately: Shepard's down.

“Shepard's down!” Wrex yelled out those exact words while shooting another Thorian creeper with his shotgun.

Kaidan immediately tossed a ball of biotic energy to knock down several creepers heading his way and rushed to the commander's side. Her shield was gone and her leg had been shot. Shepard winced in pain on the ground but still holding up her shotgun and blasting rounds at the creepers coming at her, ignoring the blood dripping from her wound.

“Commander!”

“I'm okay!”

“No, you're not.” Kaidan cast another biotic force to clear the creepers around them and swept Shepard up in his arms.

“What the hell are you doing, Alenko? Put me down!”

Kaidan ignored her and rushed to the nearest tall cover before setting the commander down. Bright blue eyes glared at him in anger. But he knew it was the adrenaline in her vein and dismissed her glare. “Stay here, Commander.”

“Like hell I am!”

“Stay. Here,” he repeated firmly. “Let us handle this.” He reached to her side and took the gas grenades.

“Hey, what're you doing?” She tried to get up using her good leg but her face contoured in pain. Still, she managed to swallow a scream.

Kaidan didn't like the condition of her injury at all. He took her hand and pressed it onto the bullet wound. Shepard winced and gasped.

“Sorry, but you have to keep pressing,” Kaidan instructed. “Don't move, you'll lose more blood. I'll patch you up as soon as I can.”

“I can fight!”

“I'm sorry, Commander.” He let his biotics flowed through his finger tips and cast a stasis shell around her.

“ALENKO!”

“You'll be safe in there for a while.” Kaidan rushed out to help clear the rest of the creepers.

“Shepard all right?” Wrex asked.

“For now,” he answered between shots and biotic kicks.

“I'm going to kill all everything that hurts our Shepard,” Wrex commented as he reloaded his shotgun.

The commander must have heard it through her earpiece. “No killing colonists, Wrex!”

Kaidan tossed another grenade at the colonists to neutralize them. It was hard enough to aim only at the creepers while taking fire from those mind-controlled thralls, it was doubly hard to keep track of the time left in his stasis field to make sure Shepard wouldn't sneak out to fight.

“Dr. T'Soni, stay with the commander and keep those creepers away. If she tries to run out, use stasis.”

“I understand, Lieutenant,” Liara replied.

“You're going to pay for this, Alenko!” said Shepard.

What concerned him was not the frustration in her voice, but the lack of the shape edge she normally had when she was angry. Shepard was weakening, and Kaidan was worried.

“You can kick my ass later, Commander.” Kaidan tossed another grenade to the last group of colonists. The gas took a few seconds to start working, he ducked behind a cover to reload his gun.

“Man, there's no end to this thing,” Ashley said through the radio.

“Free target practice!” said Wrex.

“Do NOT hit the colonists!” Shepard reminded not so kindly.

“Heard you the first time, Shepard!” The krogan battlemaster responded over gunshots.

“Don't worry, Commander, the colonists have been neutralized,” Kaidan reported after shooting the remaining creepers around him.

“Not really, L-T,” said Ashley, “there are some more shooting at me near the entrance! I'm out of those stupid grenades!”

Kaidan swore under his breath. “On my way. Wrex, cover Shepard.”

Liara's biotics lifted a horde of creepers into the air in front of him. Wrex shot the helpless creatures as Kaidan ran passed them.

The doctor's gentle voice came through his earpiece. “Hold still, Commander. You are losing a lot of blood.”

“No, Liara. I can still fight-- Damn it!”

Kaidan could only imagine the frustration on Shepard's face when Liara put another stasis field on her. He didn't like the 'losing a lot of blood' bit of their conversation. He had to act fast.

“Right there, L-T.” Ashley pointed at the four colonists shooting at them behind a cover. “Here, give me the grenade.”

Kaidan handed it to her then lifted the approaching creepers with his biotics before shooting them down one by one.

Ashley tossed the grenade at the colonists with a shout, “Stop shooting at us, you idiots!”

The last four colonists soon fell into gas-induced coma behind their cover. “Sleep tight. Now we shoot!” Ashley started firing her shotguns at everything that moved.

Kaidan used his biotics one more time to knock the the remaining horde of creepers off their feet, buying Ashley more than enough time to kill every single one. “Finish them, Chief.”

“No problem. Die already, you creeps!”

He rushed back to Shepard as fast as he could.

“All clear in this part,” Garrus reported in through the radio. “No casualty, Commander.”

“Good...” Shepard replied rather weakly. The knot in Kaidan's stomach tightened.

“That's the last one, Shepard,” said Wrex over the sound of shotgun reloading.

It felt like hours to him, although it had been less than a few minutes since he had left her there. Shepard was still sitting on the ground, leaning against the cover. Liara's stasis field began to fade when he arrived. A pool of blood had formed around her, her skin ghostly pale. Bright blue eyes glared at him in silent, icy enough to send a chill down his spine if he wasn't preoccupied by overwhelming concern for her.

“I'm sorry, Commander. You told me to point out your mistakes, and I did,” he explained evenly, keeping all his emotions in check. He had to remain calm, especially when she was angry.

Her expression softened almost immediately at that reminder. “Report?”

“No casualty. All colonists are unconscious. Creepers are dead. There's a console where that lady was guarding when we passed by early. I think that's the control to move the freighter.”

“Tali,” Shepard asked through her radio, “could you take a look at the console and see if you can find a way to move the freighter away?”

“Of course.”

Kaidan knelt down beside her to check on the wound on her thigh. A bullet went through and through. It was a lucky shot, the bullet happened to hit the weakest spot of her armor.

“Why didn't you tell us your shield was down?” Kaidan asked after switching off his radio communication. Somehow, he wanted to keep his conversation with the commander private.

Shepard did the same before she answered, “I was too busy tossing grenades and shooting the creepers without hitting the colonists.” Her breaths were shallow, her voice was weak.

He cleaned the wound as carefully and gently as he could before applying the medi-gel with a steady hand. His hands were busy, but his mind was not. Something was not right here. Someone as experienced as Shepard should be able to keep track on her shield level even when she was in the heat of the battle.

“I must have a giant red target painted on my chest and my back,” Shepard mumbled offhandedly. “All those colonists seemed to love shooting at me--” She took a sharp breath at the pain when he moved her leg to tend to the exit wound.

“Sorry...” he mumbled an apology then proceeded with cleansing.

He would have rushed to her side and shielded her if she had told him her shield was down, then she wouldn't be hit by one of many bullets targeting her. Then, all of a sudden, realization hit him: she didn't tell him her shield status precisely because she didn't want anyone to be anywhere near her. She knew she was the preferred target of the colonists, and once again she was using herself as a bait to draw the fire and keep her team relatively safe. Only this time, it didn't work; a stray bullet got her.

He looked up briefly to study the commander. Her head leaned back against the crate supporting her, her eyes shut tight in a wince, her face covered with sweat from the pain. How could someone who was usually so deliberate in her actions be so reckless at times in battlefields? So strong in every way yet so vulnerable in rare moments like this?

She struggled to open her eyes. “Done?”

“Almost.” He went back to work. “Off the record, Commander...”

“Mm?”

“You should stop using yourself as a bait,” said Kaidan quietly as he began to seal the exit wound with medi-gel.

For a long time, Shepard didn't respond.

Last bit of the wound was sealed, blood stopped flowing out freely. Kaidan glanced up, half-expected to find those blue eyes glaring at him for stepping out of line. But what he found was her looking at him rather thoughtfully.

“Can't hide from you, can I?” she asked with a faint shake of her head.

He was quite proud of himself to be able to read her so well. “You don't have to hide from me.” He adjusted her leg to a more comfortable position.

“...Perhaps not...” she replied so quietly it was almost as if she was talking to herself. She paused for a second before defending her action, “It was tactically sound.”

“When your shield was still holding, maybe. But with everyone firing at you, your shield wouldn't last long.”

Shepard didn't counter. Instead, she broke the gaze and remained quiet.

“You knew that.”

“It was the best tactic at that moment. We didn't expect the creepers...” Shepard relaxed against the crate behind her.

Kaidan couldn't help but feel a bit guilty for grilling her when she was hurt. Even though she had laid down an open door policy, she was still his commanding officer. “I'm sorry, Commander, I didn't mean to question your judgment.”

Her eyes, half-closed from exhaustion, locked onto his. “It's okay. You're just worried.”

Kaidan was touched that she understood.

A hint of smile appeared on her face. “Did I give you a heart attack?”

He couldn't hold back a chuckle. “Almost, ma'am.”

“Guess I have to try harder next time.” She took a deep breath and shifted her injured leg. “Thanks for patching me up.”

“You're welcome.”

The bleeding had stopped, yet what she had already lost had made her too pale. Kaidan was sorely tempted to send her back to the Normandy, but he knew she wouldn't have it. Still, he had to try.

“Commander, you should head back to the Normandy. We'll take care of the Thorian.”

“No.”

“With all due respect, Commander, you've lost a lot of blood. You might not be fit for combat.”

“This?” She glanced around to check out her own pool of blood. “It's nothing. I lost more in Elysium.”

“You were by yourself then. You're not alone now; you have us.”

When she looked at him once again, her gaze was soft, her smile softer. “I know you have my back, Kaidan. That's why I still can fight.”

He wanted to say no to her, but he couldn't. Not because she was his commanding officer, but he couldn't seem to find the will to deny her, especially when she was looking at him like that. “Stay close to me, Commander. And, this time, let me know when your shield is down.”

“Deal. Don't worry, Kaidan, if anything happened to me, you would patch me up again.”

“I won't let anything happen to you,” he vowed. His protective instinct somehow tended to magnify around her, he noticed, even though he knew she was more than capable of taking care of herself, so much so he would have his ass handed to him if they were ever in a fight.

For a split second, he thought she would be offended by his over-protectiveness, seeing it as an insult to her combat prowess. But the corners of her lips curled up slightly further. “I know... Let's finish this.”

“Right. We need to get you back to the Normandy asap.” Kaidan reached out to pull her up.

Once out of the cover, that glimpse of her softer side was gone in the blink of an eye. Shepard straightened up and went to Tali at the console with her shotgun in her hand and a limp on her leg.

“I got it, Aerin,” said Tali as she used the control to open a path below.

“Good work, Tali. Stay here and guard this console, I don't want us to get trapped underneath this thing when we get back.” Shepard surveyed the damages around her. “Garrus, Liara, help Tali. If there are any more creepers, kill them. When the colonists wake up, be careful. Make sure they are themselves, if not, gas them again.” Before the commander could ask, Kaidan already handed the rest of the grenades to Garrus. Shepard continued, “The rest, come with me. Ashley, Wrex, shotguns ready. I doubt we've seen the last of those creepers. Kaidan, get ready to have some fun tossing them across the room.”

Orders were given. With her gun in her hand, Shepard led the way down the previously hidden path. Kaidan followed her closely behind, keeping a close eye on her and ready to protect her this time before she could even ask.

  
  



	12. Embrace Eternity

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 11: Embrace Eternity

Year: 2183CE

Location: Zhu's Hope Underground

  
  


After a ruin full of Geth, an armed standoff with an idiotic bureaucrat, and being shot at by mind-controlled civilians, Shepard thought her day could not get any worse. She was wrong.

The stench in the underground structure was getting worse as they descended to the lower levels. The overwhelming smell of decay in the air made Shepard's stomach turn. The Thorian was not what she had expected. Not only was it several meters tall and had its roots buried into the walls of the structure, the plant itself spewed out an asari commando clone over and over again to join the endless horde of creepers to halt their advance.

Shepard fired at the remaining two creepers floating in mid air courtesy of her lieutenant's biotics. She held back a groan as she watched the two bodies dropped to the ground. The injury she had sustained was not major, still the pain was hard to ignore, and she had lost a rather significant amount of blood before the threats had been neutralized and Kaidan could safely patch her up. He had done his best given the circumstances. She was more than pleasantly surprised to find out that he was a very good field medic. Between his biotics, medical, and technical skills, that man could be an one-man army; Shepard was impressed, to say the least. After all said and done, she would definitely have to add another commendation to his collection.

“All clear,” her lieutenant announced.

“I hate this place,” said Ashley as she kicked a few bodies away to clear the path. “How many of those nodes have we blasted already? Four?”

“Five,” Kaidan answered.

“That damn thing is still hanging there.”

Kaidan pointed towards the node in front of them. “That should be the last one.”

Shepard nodded silently.

Shepard remained stoic throughout their way down the Thorian den, showing no sign of pain other than the obvious limp on her leg. But every step was harder than the last, her breaths became shallower. She knew Kaidan noticed her discomfort despite her effort to conceal it; he had remained no further than two steps away from her since their descent. At times when all enemies in the immediate area were down and the coast was clear, her lieutenant would look her over as if to check if she was still in one piece, or peek at her face to check for a wince. Shepard pretended not to notice his concern, but she did. Just like she pretended not to notice how much she had learned to rely on him.

In her line of work, in the end, the only constants in her life were her weapons and her skill sets, not the people around her. To grow to rely on or even attach to someone who would be assigned elsewhere once the current mission was over, It's a dangerous line to cross. Shepard knew better not to cross that line. And yet...

“Want me to do it, Shepard?” Wrex asked.

She nodded again and stepped aside to let the krogan battlemaster destroy the last node. Shotgun fired three times and the node exploded, sickly green liquid splattered all around. Shepard instinctively turned and shielded herself from the splash. But she didn't need to, Kaidan held a biotic shield around them just before the explosion, keeping all of them dry.

“Thanks L-T,” said Ashley.

“No problem.”

“Remind me to stay close to you when it rains. Never thought biotic shield would be that useful.”

Shepard remained quiet and discreetly put her hand against the wall close to her to support her weight. The lost of blood plus the stench had made her dizziness become almost intolerable. This mission had to end soon while she could still remain on her feet.

A hand wrapped around her waist to support her.

“Commander?” Kaidan looked at her.

“I'm fine.” She knew he wouldn't buy her lie, but what else could she say? She had a mission to complete and that was her priority.

He stared at her for a few seconds longer with obvious concern. That biotic glow around him had subsided, the blue in his eyes was gone, returning to a warm shade of brown. As dim as the hallway was, his face was close enough to hers for Shepard to notice those brown eyes had a hint of amber when the light hit at a certain angle. And they were just as mesmerizing as they were in biotic blue.

She held his gaze and gave him a slight nod, trying to ease his concern as discreetly as she could without a word. The last thing she wanted was to distract her team with her injury during the mission.

Kaidan shook his head faintly in what seemed to be a defeat. “We're almost there.”

Shepard flashed a grateful smile before putting on her composed front again to face the others. “Let's finish this.”

The Thorian had fallen onto the ground a level below them. Shepard led the way down just in time to see yet another asari breaking out from within the dead plant.

All weapons were drawn at once, yet the asari made no move but to stand up in confusion. “I'm free! I... supposed I should thank you for releasing me.”

Shepard held up a hand to stop her teammates as she lowered her gun. “Commander Shepard of the Alliance Navy. Everything all right? Are you hurt?”

“I'm fine. Or I will be... in time. My name is Shiala. I serve-- I served Matriarch Benezia.”

“Benezia?” Ashley raised her shotgun again.

Shepard put a hand on the barrel and lowered it. “Easy there, Chief.”

“I am not with Benezia anymore, Commander.”

“Go on,” Shepard prompted. Even though her own shotgun was hanging casually at her side, her finger never left the trigger.

“When she allied herself with Saren, so did I. Benezia foresaw the influence that Saren had. She joined him to turn him down a gentler path. But Saren is compelling, Benezia lost her way.”

Shepard scowled at that new information. “Are you saying Saren can control minds?”

The asari nodded. “Benezia underestimated Saren, as I did. We came to believe his causes and his goals. The strength of his influence is troubling.”

“The asari's meddling way has finally caught up with them,” said Wrex offhandedly.

Still, it didn't sound right to her. “Asari matriarchs are among the most powerful and intelligent beings in the galaxy. How could one fallen under Saren's control?”

“Saren has a vessel. An enormous warship unlike anything I've ever seen. He calls it Sovereign. It can dominate the minds of his followers.”

“Could be that ship we saw in Eden Prime,” said Kaidan.

“A mind-controlling ship?” Shepard shared a look with her lieutenant. His expression mirrored hers, both were troubled by the news. If that was true, her mission had just gotten even more complicated.

“Indeed. Once aboard the ship, his followers become indoctrinated to Saren's will. The process is subtle, it can take days, weeks. But in the end, it is absolute.” Shiala shook her head sadly. “I was a willing slave when Saren brought me to this world. He needed my biotics to communicate with the Thorian to learn its secrets. Saren offered me in trade, I was sacrificed to secure an alliance between Saren and the Thorian.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “Saren's pretty quick in betraying his own people.”

Shiala nodded again. “He was quick to betray the Thorian too. After he got what he wanted, he ordered the Geth to destroy all the evidence of its existence. Saren knows you're searching for the conduit. He knows you're following his steps. He attacked the Thorian so that you cannot get the cypher.”

“What's a cypher? And why does Saren want it?”

“The beacon of Eden Prime gave you visions. But the visions are uncleared, confusing.”

“To put it mildly.”

“That's because they were meant for Prothean minds. To truly comprehend them, you must think like a Prothean. You must understand their culture, their history, their very existence. The Thorian was here long before the Protheans built this city, and watched and studied them. When they died, it consumed them, they became a part of it.”

_Don't tell me I have to eat a Prothean to think like them,_ Shepard kept that thought to herself. “This cypher you mentioned is the key to decode my visions? To let me think like a Prothean?”

“The cypher is the very essence of being a Prothean. It cannot be described or explained. It would be like describing colors to creatures without eyes. To understand you must have accessed to ancestral memories, a view point spanning thousands of Prothean generations. I sensed this ancestral memory, the cypher, when I melded with the Thorian. Our identities merged, our minds intertwined. Such knowledge cannot be taught. It simply exists.”

Shepard refused to take 'no' for an answer. “There has to be a way. I need that cypher.”

“There is a way. I can transfer the knowledge from my mind to yours, as I did with Saren.”

“Wait a minute, is it safe?” asked Kaidan.

“Anything that messes with your mind can't be completely safe,” Wrex commented.

“Sounds like a direct upload,” said Ashley. “But it's human brain we're talking about here, not some OSD.”

She didn't like it any more than her team did. The beacon itself had given her enough headaches and nightmares, she didn't need another thing to mess up her mind. Yet the galaxy was at stake, and there seemed to be only one way forward. “We have no other choice,” Shepard overrode everyone and holstered her shotgun. “Do it.”

“Try to relax your mind, Commander,” Shiala suggested as she took a step closer to Shepard. “Take slow, deep breaths.”

Shepard tried to follow the instructions. Taking slow, deep breaths was the easy part, relaxing her mind, not so much. Still, she focused only on the asari in front of her and disregarded everything else.

“Let go of your physical shell. Reach out the grasp on the threads that bind us, one to another.” Shiala looked deep into her eye as she approached even closer and only stopped when they almost touched. Both her voice and her gaze were strangely hypnotic. “Every action sends ripples across the galaxy, every idea must touch another mind to live. Each emotion must mark another spirit. We are all connected. Every being united in one single glorious existence. Open yourself to the universe, Commander.” Shiala closed her eyes, Shepard couldn't help but follow her lead and close hers. “Embrace eternity.”

All of a sudden, Shepard could see her visions so vividly as if she was living among them. The Protheans and the Reapers, the destruction and the deaths. She could feel the heat from the burning flame, she could hear the scream from the tormented, she could smell the smoke, she could taste the blood. Then a planet exploded and sent a wave through the rest of the system. And one single Reaper descended upon her. Shepard gasped out loud and took an instinctive step backward. The pain in her leg woke her from her visions.

“Commander!” Kaidan rushed up from behind and stabilized her by holding her arms. “Are you all right?”

She blinked hard and took a deep breath before she registered the reality and nodded. “Yeah, I'm fine.”

“I've given you the cypher, just as it was given to Saren. The ancestral memories of the Protheans have become a part of you now.”

“What just happened?” asked Ashley.

“I saw... my visions again. Still didn't make any sense.”

“You have been given a great gift. The experience of an entire people. It will take time for you mind to process this information. In time, it will help you understand the vision of the beacon. ”

“You look queasy, Skipper. You sure you are okay?”

“She's right. You look too pale. We should get you back to the ship,” Kaidan suggested.

“I'm sorry if you have suffered,” said Shiala, “but there's no other way. You needed the cypher.”

Her heart was still racing from seeing the vivid visions. Shepard tried to take a subtle deep breath to calm her mind, but the stench in the air almost suffocated her. “I'll be fine. It's no worse than contacting the Prothean probe on Eden Prime.”

“Last time you were unconscious for fifteen hours,” Kaidan reminded her. He was still holding onto her arms with no intention of letting go. Shepard didn't mind at all.

“And this time, I'm still standing,” she countered lightly.

His grip loosened unexpectedly. She found herself suddenly off balance for a fraction of a second before he tightened his grip once again to steady her. It was then she realized she would have fallen without his support.

Had she really grown so comfortable around him that leaning against him physically felt so natural? That she was relying on him without knowing?

Shepard didn't want to think.

“...Point taken. We'll head back to the Normandy,” Shepard conceded then turned to Shiala. “Now that you're free of the Thorian, what are you planning to do?”

“If you allow it, I'd like to stay here with the colonists. They have suffered greatly and I've played a role in their suffering. I would like to make amend.”

Shepard nodded. “The colonists will need all the help they can get. They'll be happy to have you on their side.”

“Thank you, Commander. May fortune smile upon you.”

Shepard certainly hoped so. The deeper they got into this mess, the more impossible the mission seemed. She would need more than ammo to hunt down Saren.


	13. Lean on Me

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 12: Lean on Me

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

  
  


The decontamination sequence seemed to take much longer today. The melding with the asari named Shiala had taken a toll on her, not to mention the injury she had sustained on her leg had started to bother her even more now that the adrenaline in her veins had started to wear off.

Still, Shepard kept a stoic front and voiced not one single complaint about her discomfort.

“I'm never gonna go back to that den again, not even for a million credits,” said Ashley as they waited for the decontamination process to complete.

“That place made my stomach sick,” Kaidan agreed.

“Me too. I need a shower or two to get rid of that stench.” Ashley made a face. “I'm glad we took care of the problem without killing any civilians though.”

“Yeah, they're the victims here.” Shepard shifted all her weight onto her good leg as she waited.

“I've to say, Skipper, you're pretty creepy down there.”

Shepard managed to chuckle through her pain. “There's a fifty-thousand-year-old mind-controlling plant and I'm the creepy one? Seriously?”

“I mean the way you handled the ExoGeni guy. I didn't know you speak corporate.”

Shepard shrugged. “Everyone wants something, Ash. It's just a matter of figuring out who wants what. Kind of like finding your enemy's weakness, not that hard.”

“Not for you, ma'am. Like I said, creepy.”

“I'd use the word 'impressive', Ash,” said Kaidan. “If I ever get a speeding ticket, Commander, I want you to be my advocate.”

“For all the times you've saved my ass, Kaidan, I'd do it pro-bono.” The process was finally over and the door to her ship opened with a familiar hiss. Shepard was glad to be home, even though there was work waiting for her to be done, including a mission report to write and a debriefing to hold. “Everyone, comm room now, please.”

Shepard made a brief detour to the cockpit. Kaidan followed closely behind as he had been since he had patched her up.

“Hey Commander,” Joker greeted rather cheerfully. “We survived the zombie attack-- What happened to your leg?”

Shepard shrugged. “Got shot.”

“Ouch... Welcome to the limping club.”

“Tell the rest of the crew they are free to explore the colony for the next three hours. Ask them to help the colonists if they can.”

“Shore leave with the zombies who just tried to take over our ship? Great idea.”

“The colony is safe now, Joker,” said Kaidan. “The colonists are no longer mindless thralls.”

Shepard nodded. “There's not much to do, but they need to get off the ship now and then. We will head back to the Citadel soon enough.”

“Why not now? The ship could use some maintenance and the crew could use a break. It's not like we have another lead, do we?”

“We don't. But I want to go to Maroon Sea. There are two places we should investigate while we are in this area.” She transferred the coordinates from her omni-tool.

“Maroon Sea? All right, it's nearby. What's this about?”

“Trouble.”

The pilot rolled his eyes. “Really? I was hoping you'd say there's a party going on and we're all invited.”

Shepard gave her pilot a shrug with a hint of smirk. “Could be a party, just not the drinking and dancing type. Guns and ammo are involved.”

“In other words, your type of party.”

Shepard read from her omni-tool. “Found some intel saying ExoGeni's been sending shipments of samples to these two locations. One of the recipients was referred to only as Cerberus.”

“Cerberus? Like that three-headed dog from hell? Who would name their company after such a fluffy animal?”

“We'll find out.”

“You think by samples they meant those Thorian creepers?” asked Kaidan.

“Could be. Or some other sick experiments. Either way, I think the Council should know about it.” Shepard frowned a little. “I don't trust ExoGeni.”

“You don't trust anyone, Commander,” Joker commented offhandedly while plotting the course. “And that's what I like about you. Smart. Like me.”

“I don't trust anyone who uses a mind-controlling plant to experiment on innocent civilians.”

“Is it true? That plant really could control your mind and make you do things?” Joker's eyes lit up like an excited child.

“We'll fill you in later, Joker,” said Shepard. “For now, I've a debriefing to hold before I collapse.”

“Commander, you should see Dr. Chakwas first,” Kaidan suggested as they headed down the hall.

“The debriefing won't take long. Besides, you did a good job patching me up. I almost don't feel any pain,” she lied, not about his handiwork but her pain level. Kaidan looked like he was about to retort, but Shepard didn't give him a chance to. “I'll see Chakwas after this, Kaidan. I promise.”

In the comm room, she chose to lean against the wall instead of sitting down, knowing she would have a hard time standing up once she sat on the chair.

“Commander, you look pale. Are you suffering any ill effects from the cypher?” Liara asked gently.

“The cypher shook me up a bit,” Shepard admitted but decided to leave it to that. “All right. I have the cypher to decode my visions but they still don't make any sense. There's no lead on where Saren might be or where this conduit is. I'm waiting for anything from the Council or the Alliance Intelligence that might help us. Any ideas on what to do next?”

“I might be able to help you,” said Liara “I am an expert of the Protheans. If I join my consciousness with yours, maybe we can make some sense of it.”

“Wait, another mind-meld?” Ashley asked. “You looked really sick after the last one, Commander. That's probably not a good idea.”

_Can't be worse than how I feel now..._ “Saren could be anywhere in this galaxy. We need as many leads as we can to find him before it's too late. Right now we have none.”Shepard turned to Liara. “Do it.”

Liara walked towards her and stopped only when they almost touched. “Relax, Commander.”

Shepard closed her eyes and braced herself for those two words.

“Embrace eternity!”

As soon as she heard them, she was once again transported to those familiar scenes. She heard the screeching noise, the screams of the dead; she felt the burning of the destruction, smelled the smoke and death. Twice today, she had lived through these horrible seconds that seemed to last a life time to her.

Shepard took a step back to steady herself when the connection was cut off. Once again, the pain in her leg brought her back to reality. That screeching noise was replaced by the familiar hum of her ship, the burning sensation on her skin was gone, leaving her feeling momentarily cold in the comfortable comm room.

Liara staggered a few steps back as well. “By the Goddess! That was... incredible! All this time, all my research, yet I... I never dreamed!” She shook her head and panted slightly. “I'm sorry, the images were so vivid, I never imaged the experience would be so... so...”

“Intense?” Shepard offered.

Liara nodded then studied her intently. “You are remarkably strong-willed, Commander. What you have been through, what you have seen, would have destroyed a lesser mind.”

Shepard had to wonder if it had already destroyed hers somehow. That would explain her nightmares and her headaches.

“Come on, get to the point,” Ashley interrupted. “What did you see?”

“The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged. Large part of the visions are... are missing. The data transferred into the commander's mind is incomplete.”

“So that's why it still doesn't make any sense to me even with the cypher...”

Liara nodded. “It would appear so, Commander.”

“You sure you didn't come across any clues or hints? Something that looked familiar to you?” Shepard asked.

“Everything I saw, you already know. You were right about the Reapers. The Protheans were destroyed by a race of sentient machines. I think it is obvious there's a connection between the Reapers, the Prothean extinction, and the conduit. But I did not see anything that would help us find it.”

Shepard held back a wince. “What's our next move?”

“I was able to interpret the data related through your visions, what was there at least. But something was missing. Saren must have the missing information. Maybe he found another beacon. If we can find the missing data from your vision, I can... I can...” Liara began to sway and Shepard reached out to steady her.

“You all right?”

“I'm sorry. The joining is exhausting. I should go to the Medical Bay and lie down for a moment.”

“Dr. Chakwas should take a look at you.”

“That would not be necessary. I just need some rest.”

Shepard nodded. “We'll sort this out later.” She turned to the rest of her team. “Great work down there. We will head to Maroon Sea to investigate two facilities next. Should be a quick mission, be prepared to take off by tomorrow morning. Go get some rest for now. Dismissed.”

She sighed quietly and ran a hand through her hair, messing up the neatly tugged style but she couldn't care less right now. Those two mind-melds and a bullet through her thigh had bothered her more than she let on. Still, she had a Spectre to chase, and a team to lead.

And to be a good leader, she had to help her team as much as they had helped her.

“Garrus?” she called out.

“Yes, Commander?”

“Have you passed the coordinate to Joker yet?”

“You mean...”

Shepard merely nodded. “We're in this area, so after checking out two locations at Maroon Sea, let's swing by and pay Dr. Heart a visit.”

“Thank you, Commander. I owe you one.”

“Shooting range, Vakarian,” Shepard reminded him with a hint of smirk.

“And weapons modifications. Yeah, I remember, Shepard.”

Shepard's smirk widened. “It's time to right the wrong.”

“And to deliver a dose of justice in this unjust galaxy. I'll go tell Joker.” Garrus nodded with a grin then left.

“Dr. Heart?” Kaidan asked.

“We don't have another lead for now, so I figure it's a good time to settle a score for Garrus. He did quit C-Sec to help us, it's the least I could do to help him. And...” she trailed off.

“And?”

“And... it feels good to right the wrong, like those superheros in the vids.” Somehow she didn't mind voicing her thoughts in front of him, as stupid as they might sound.

Kaidan gave her a funny look.

Shepard narrowed her eyes at him. “Permission to laugh freely, Alenko.”

“I'm not laughing,” he claimed with a chuckle. “You know, they should give you a superhero costume instead of the armor. You are already playing a superhero everyday, might as well dress up like one.”

Shepard snorted. “Superheroes have superpowers. I don't.”

“You do. You have the ancestral memories of the Protheans. You can probably talk to one without a translator.”

She gave him a look. “Great. Now, we only have to find a Prothean to show off my new superpower.”

“Come on, Commander, let's get you to the Med Bay,” said Kaidan. “You look too pale. Especially after the melding.”

“Don't remind me. I have enough 'embrace eternities' for the day.”

“You had me worried just now. I thought you were going to faint after you melded with Shiala.”

“I was about to.” She was comfortable enough to admit, at least to him. “Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't collapse in front of everyone.”

“You need to see Dr. Chakwas now. No more delay. Let me help you.”

Much to her surprise, he took one of her arms and draped it across his shoulders then slipped a hand around her waist to support her.

“I can walk, Alenko.”

Despite her complaint, she let him pull her close to him. She had been putting her weight on her non-injured leg during the debriefing. And now when she had to walk once more, the pain was almost blindingly intense.

“The adrenaline in your bloodstream has already worn off by now. Your leg hurts much more than it did when you were on the battlefield.”

Shepard didn't bother to confirm. She was too busy biting back a groan with her lips pressed tight together as she tried to take her first step.

“You don't have to play tough in front of me, Commander.” There was something in his voice that tickled her spine, distracting her from the pain. “Just lean on me. Let me support you.”

Shepard froze. For a second, she thought she had heard an offer she couldn't refuse: an opportunity to lean on someone who was strong enough to support her, to share the weight of the galaxy that had been dumped squarely on her shoulders. His innocent comment had unintentionally highlighted a secret desire she didn't even know she had until now, and it terrified her to no end.

Never had that happened to her before. Throughout her entire life, she had always been self-sufficient; it was in her upbringing, in her training, it was programmed in her blood. Why would she suddenly develop an urge to unload her burdens? Had the pressure of pursuing a crazy man who wanted to destroy the galaxy finally gotten to her?

Shepard dismissed that thought as quickly as it came and hated herself for being tempted by the non-existing imaginary offer.

“I treated your wounds just now, Commander. I know how bad they are, and I know you are hurting.”

She shot him a glare in mild annoyance. “Then why don't you carry me, Lieutenant?”

Not only was he undaunted by her glare, he seemed amused by her suggestion. “Aye, aye, ma'am.”

Shepard was more than certain that he was about to carry out that order had she not reacted faster. “Don't even think about it,” she warned, having a tough time keeping a straight face.

“It wouldn't be the first time. Or the second.”

“I was unconscious the first time,” she protested indignantly, but a tiny smile slipped through despite the pain.

He lowered his voice. “Look, I know you have a reputation to keep. I won't tell anyone the legendary Commander Shepard can actually feel pain. Your secret is safe with me.”

Shepard chuckled and shifted her weight to him. She didn't bother to hide her wince anymore as he slowly guided her to the Med Bay. “I know I can count on you, Alenko.”

“Always.”

And she thought his voice was distracting, the warm smile he gave her was even more so. Shepard had to consciously tear her gaze away from him. Still, she could feel his eyes on her profile as she focused on the floor in front of her.

What the hell was happening to her lately? Maybe that damnable Prothean beacon had really fried her brain, like Liara had suggested that it would.

Right, that had to be it.

  
  



	14. You are Perfect

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 13: You are Perfect

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

  
  


Kaidan took a sip from his coffee before focusing on his omni-tool. He just had a long discussion with Tali over dinner on how to upgrade omni-tools, and now he had some free time to modify his.

The commander had ordered them to be off-duty for the rest of the day after their mission on Feros. Kaidan was grateful for the break. Although the physical exertion from fighting Geth for hours didn't bother him as much, nor did the strain on his implant, he needed this quite moment to himself, not to recover from their latest assignment, but to think.

Lately, his mind had been full of thoughts piling up, waiting to be processed. The mission he had been assigned to had turned from a shakedown run of a prototype ship to a galactic manhunt to prevent the destruction of the galaxy.

And the success of their critical mission rested squarely on one woman's shoulders.

That type of pressure was enough to make his head spin by just thinking about it. Kaidan had no idea how Shepard managed to keep it together. Nor did he have any idea how she had managed to not just survive but to kill all the slavers in Elysium by herself, or how she survived a contact with the Prothean beacon when Liara had plainly stated it would destroy a person's mind.

To say he was impressed by the commander would be an understatement.

Kaidan wasn't too surprised that his train of thought had taken a turn on its own and headed to Shepard's direction. Some of those thoughts that had been swirling inside his head revolved around his commander. He glanced over at the Med Bay from his seat in the mess hall, wondering how Shepard was doing in there. It had been three hours since he had left her under the care of Dr. Chakwas. He never doubted Chakwas' skills or expertise, yet, of all the places he could spend his downtime, he found himself stationed close to the Med Bay.

_Close to her._

Annoyed with his random thought, Kaidan took a subtle deep breath and brought his focus back onto his omni-tool. The overclocking of the mainframe was almost done. And if it worked on his, perhaps he could upgrade the commander's. Kaidan idly wondered if he should modify the offensive or defensive power on Shepard's omni-tool. Although he was sure she would love the idea Tali had about transforming the omni-tool into a wrist-mounted melee weapon, he leaned towards boosting Shepard's shield power. Anything to keep her safe from harm.

And, inevitably, his train of thought circled back to the same person.

At this point, it had become a losing war trying to divert his thoughts away from his commander, might as well face it and analyze his own strange behavior.

He had stepped out of line when he had rather forcefully sidelined Shepard in the middle of a battle. It was out of necessity, and he had her previous explicit permission to do just that – correcting her mistakes. And just as she had promised, the commander wasn't offended at all by his insubordination, except for the first few moments of pure shock and frustration, understandably. What bothered him, what made the wheels inside his head spin, was the fact that he was genuinely terrified when he saw Shepard on the ground with blood pouring out of her wounds.

In the past decade since joining the fleet, he had seen members of his teams hurt countless times, he had patched up more than enough soldiers on the field, and he had treated wounds more severe than Shepard's. But never had he felt this level of horror and, to some extent, pain. As irrational as it might be, a part of him wished he could have taken that bullet instead.

Would he had felt the same level of fear if another one on their team was injured instead? Kaidan already knew the answer without running down the short list of names.

He could see where this was heading. He would be in denial if he didn't think he was attracted to her in some ways. But with a woman like Shepard, Kaidan wouldn't be surprised if half of the ship had a crush on her. There was even a rumor mumbling around the lower deck that Dr. T'Soni's interest in the commander might be more than just scientific curiosity. What about him? Was he merely intrigued by her, or was there more?

To this particular question, Kaidan still had no answer. Or perhaps, he was afraid to find out.

Although for his own sake, he hoped it was the former, that his attraction to Shepard was nothing but pure art appreciation; a beautiful and charming woman stuck in the ship with him and he was somewhat fascinated by her. Nothing more.

_You are lying to yourself, Alenko._

Kaidan quieted that voice and booted up his omni-tool. A quick system check confirmed his upgrade worked, its shield enhancement level had increased. A faint smile of satisfaction appeared as he put his omni-tool away and drained his cup of coffee. His eyes once again landed on the Med Bay now that his task was done. Should he go check on the commander?

Joker's voice through the comm stole his attention. “Bridge to Lieutenant Alenko. Time to round up the flock. Tell the boss we'll be taking off once everyone's back home.”

“Got it.”

Now there was a legitimate reason to see her.

The first thing that immediately caught his full attention the moment he stepped into the Med Bay was Shepard's bare leg. The commander had been stripped down to a form-fitting black undershirt and a pair of shorts, lying on the bed reading a datapad. Her injured thigh had been wrapped in bandage with her leg raised up and secured to minimize her movements. To her, it was a medical necessity. But to him, it was a fine display. Always hidden underneath her uniforms or armor, he had never realized how long her legs were, or how nice and smooth they looked – not that he would ever admit to any of it.

Shepard shifted her attention from her datapad to the door and spotted him and gave him a casual wave.

“Commander. Dr. Chakwas,” he greeted as he walked in, tearing his attention away from Shepard's legs.

Dr. Chakwas looked up from the medicine dispenser. “Lieutanent.”

“How's our commander doing, doc?”

“The commander will be fine after a few days of rest. You did an excellent job disinfecting and mending the wounds. I fear it would have been much worse if you hadn't.”

“She wouldn't have been shot if I had paid more attention.”

“Kaidan,” the commander interrupted firmly.

Kaidan noticed how expressive Shepard's voice could be. By just saying his name in a certain way, he knew what she meant without needing any other words from her. Right now, she was telling him not to blame himself.

“Just wondering out loud, Commander.”

“Could you stay for a little bit, Lieutenant?” asked Dr. Chakwas. “I have to take these medicines to Jeff and watch him take them, or else he'll forget the minute I walk away.”

He was all too glad to comply. “Sure.”

“Make sure the commander doesn't sneak out. I have no doubt that she is a good solider, but she is not the perfect patient.” The doctor gave the commander a teasing glance.

Shepard propped herself up on her elbows. “Come on, Doc. I didn't even scream just now. I was nice and quiet.”

“Too quiet. I wanted you to scream freely to indicate the level of pain so I could make proper adjustment,” the doctor explained. “An overly tight wrap would cut off your circulation, causing tissue damage. Worst case scenario, your leg would rot and I would have to amputate it.”

Shepard was anything but scared by that threat, instead she chuckled. “Or you just wanted to hear me scream.”

“Give her a break, Doc. The commander has a reputation to keep,” said Kaidan jokingly. “She can't be seen screaming every time a bullet hits her.”

That earned him a lovely smile. “Thank you, Kaidan! Finally someone understands,” said the commander.

“And you are supposed to be the sensible one here, Kaidan,” the doctor faked a scold with a hint of smile. “I see you've been around the commander a bit too much, her bravado has been rubbed off on you.”

Shepard gave the doctor a smirk. “You say it like it's a bad thing.”

“Without Captain Anderson around, no one can keep you in line.” Chakwas merely shook her head in exasperation and gave Shepard a maternal look. “Make sure she doesn't get out of bed, Kaidan. I'll be back shortly.”

“You got it,” said Kaidan before he turned his attention back to the commander. “You should lie down, Commander. You're not going anywhere.”

Shepard waited until the doctor was out of the door before she asked, “Not even to my office? I need to write a report to the Council.”

“The Council can wait.”

“Kaidan...” And this time, her voice softened with a lingering note at the end.

Kaidan could already feel his will weakening at this particular tone. Added to this attack, those stunning blue eyes stared straight into his, bending his will, making him all too willingly comply to all her wishes. And it would have worked had he not known the consequence. His concern for her well-being overrode his desire to make her happy. Kaidan shook his head.

Shepard flopped back down on the bed with a sigh of defeat. “I hate being tied down...”

“I'm sorry, but you'll be up and running in a few days. Anything I can do for you?”

“Just... stay here for a while.”

Somehow, that simple request made him quite happy. “I won't leave until you want me to.”

That brought a rather sweet smile to her face, he was glad.

“How's your leg?”

Shepard reached down to touch the bandage on her thigh. “Looks fine to me. I don't feel any pain. I should be back on duty.”

Kaidan peeked at her chart. “Dr. Chakwas put you on some strong pain-killer. You will feel the pain once it wears off. You still have to stay here for now.”

Shepard wasn't too pleased to hear that.

“Next time, please tell me when your shield is down.”

The commander paused for a moment before she confessed quietly, “...I knew you would rush to me if I had said the word. I didn't want you to get shot.”

He knew she had kept quiet to protect them, but what he didn't know was that she had been specifically trying to protect him. There was a sudden strong urge to reach out to her, to touch the side of her face or to hold her hand. Where that urge came from, he didn't know. But he knew he had to fight it.

“The shield on my armor was at full capacity, my biotic shield was holding, thanks to you drawing all the fire to yourself. I would have been fine even if I was under heavy fire for a short while,” he explained patiently, even though he knew she was well aware of that.

Shepard didn't answer. She didn't even look at him.

Kaidan continued, “Look, I'm not questioning your judgment, but Captain Anderson handpicked me to help you, Commander, so let me do my job.”

If Shepard listened to anyone, it was her mentor, Kaidan knew. The mention of Anderson's name worked wonder. There was a hint of guilt flashed across her face. “All right. I'll let you know when my shield's down to ten percent.”

“Twenty. I need time to charge up my biotics.”

“Twenty then.”

“I'm sorry, Commander, but you have to trust me.”

“I trust you with my life, Kaidan...” Shepard paused with a thoughtful look, as if she was struggling with a thought. That was almost uncharacteristic coming from someone as assertive as her.

He could almost hear a 'but'. Still, he chose to wait patiently for her to continue.

“...I'm not used to relying on others. Not in our line of work. Just when you develop a good partnership with someone, the tour is over, you both get reassigned. You know how it is.”

Suddenly he understood.

She further surprised him with her next confession. “When this is over, I'm going to miss you.”

That was utterly unexpected.

With everything going on around them, that was something that never crossed his mind. He was so used to seeing her around the ship everyday, it didn't occur to him until now that once this was over, they would be reassigned. To him, her bittersweet confession was less bitter more sweet, knowing she would even miss him was enough to warm his heart more than a little.

That strange urge to reach out to her became even more overwhelming, Kaidan fought with all his willpower.

“Well... if we managed to stop a galactic destruction, it would probably buy us any post we want in the fleet,” he rationalized half-jokingly. “Just tell me where you want to be next, and I'll find my way there.”

She cracked a smile and chuckled. “Sounds good... Everything all right on the ship?”

He finally remembered why he was here. “Yeah. Joker is rounding everyone back to the Normandy, and we will head to the Maroon Sea. The crew appreciated the chance to get off the ship, even though there's not much to do on Feros.”

The corners of her lips curled up slightly, he noticed those lips of her were nowhere as pink as before. “Cabin fever, can't blame them. I used to jump at the chance to get off the ship whenever it docked when I was a kid.”

Kaidan tried to picture his commander as a little girl, the result in his mind was quite adorable.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow and glanced at him with those eyes that could see right through him. All she needed to do to make him talk was to give him one look, that was the power this woman had over him, Kaidan realized.

“I was just trying to picture you as a kid,” Kaidan conceded.

Shepard reached for her omni-tool by the bedside table. After pressing it for a few seconds, she handed it to him with a stern warning. “This is highly classified, Lieutenant. What you are about to see will not leave this room.”

Kaidan looked at the content on the screen. Glaring back at him with those same big blue eyes and an expression as serious as a five-year-old could muster was a young Shepard with a toy gun in her hand and an adult-sized Alliance cap on her head.

He had to laugh. “This... this has to be the most adorable thing I've ever seen.”

Shepard chuckled lightly. “My mom sent me that picture a while ago, I never bothered to delete it.”

“Don't delete it! This is priceless.”

“That was my first gun ever, got it on my fifth birthday. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn't born with one in my hand.” Shepard reached for her omni-tool. Kaidan reluctantly said goodbye to that little girl and handed it back. “As you can see, I was just another military brat, nothing special. You, on the other hand...”

“Me?” Now, that was a surprise.

“Yeah, I know you can hack a system in your sleep and you're the best biotic in the fleet, but I didn't know you're an excellent medic too.” Shepard studied him curiously. “Is there something you can't do?”

He smiled in slight embarrassment. “Well... there are many things I can't do.”

“Let's see... If I ever locked myself out of my apartment, you could hack the door. If there were enemies in there waiting to ambush us and we had no weapons, you could kill them with your biotics. And if I got hurt during the attack, you could patch me up...” Shepard paused to ponder. “If you know how to cook too, I'll say you're the perfect man.”

Kaidan held back a chuckle and chose not to answer. The idea that she would see him as perfect was so surreal that it almost sounded absurd.

She knew him well enough to draw her own conclusion with his silence. Her eyebrows arched higher. “You _do_ know how to cook...”

He shrugged. “Took some courses. It's just something that I learned because... well... I had to. Basic survival skills.”

She shook her head against the pillow. “Damn. You _are_ perfect.”

“Come on, Commander, you'll make me blush. I'm not perfect.”

“I suggest you become an expert in hand-to-hand combat next. To fend off all men and women – human or alien -- chasing after you. Wait, you don't even need that, you can toss them away with your mind.”

He chuckled lightly. “Sorry to disappoint you, but... there's none.”

She looked at him skeptically with a hint of smirk that said 'You think I was born yesterday?'.

“Really. No one's chasing me. And there's no... special someone in my life.” He didn't know why he wanted to clarify, but he wanted her to know.

She studied him curiously. “...You're picky then.”

“It's just-- you plan a career, you focus, then suddenly years gone by...”

Her gaze dropped as she became quiet momentarily. “Yeah. it happens...”

He knew she would understand. “Or maybe I am picky. I don't know...”

She shifted her focus back to him, that contemplative look was gone, replaced by a teasing smirk. “Don't tell me you want someone as strong as a krogan, as beautiful as an asari, as discipline as a turian, and as smart as a salarian.”

He had to laugh at that mental image. “Not quite. Just hard to find someone who is strong, confident, and smart. Someone I admire, respect, enjoy being with. Someone beautiful...” he trailed off with a sudden realization: he was describing the woman in front of him.

“So the perfect woman for the perfect man?” Shepard concluded then nodded with approval. “Sounds about right. You deserve that, Kaidan. Don't settle for less.”

For someone as smart as she was, Shepard seemed oblivious. Kaidan wasn't sure if he should be glad she didn't come to the same conclusion as he did.

“I'm far from perfect.” _But you are._

“Don't you know anything about love, Alenko?” Shepard gave him a sagely look. “When you find that woman you just described, and if she loves you, she'll accept everything about you including your flaws. So to her, you'll always be perfect even though you are not.”

He froze at this seemingly innocent advice. The woman he had just described was lying in a bed, looking as lovely as ever even when she was injured, telling him he was perfect even though he insisted he wasn't.

And judging from those widened blue eyes and slightly parted lips, this time she had come to the same realization as well.

For a moment, they could only stare at each other, losing in their own thoughts, neither knew what to say.

A subtle shake of the ship shook them both out of their respective reveries.

The door to the Med Bay opened, Dr. Chakwas stepped in quietly, breaking the mounting tension between them.

“Looks like we're finally taking off,” Shepard commented offhandedly. The playfulness in her tone and expression was gone in a flash.

“Yeah...” Kaidan was thankful for the change of topic. He needed to spend some time to think about what just happened. And lately, it had been pretty hard to think clearly when he was next to her. “Joker plotted the course. We are heading to Nodacrux first. You should sit this one out, ma'am. I'll take care of it for you.”

Shepard reached for another datapad by her bedside. “Nodacrux... A shipment of samples was sent to an ExoGeni facility there. Heard anything from the Alliance Intel?”

“They couldn't dig up much about that facility.”

“Which means they could be hiding something.”

Kaidan nodded in agreement. “Should be an in-and-out mission. Don't worry, Commander, we'll be fine.”

“I'm not doubting your abilities, Kaidan, just not used to being sidelined.” Shepard put down her datapad and looked at her injured leg. “Stop by before you take off.”

“Of course.”

“You've wasted enough time here with me, go get some rest before you have to head out again.”

“I don't mind staying here.”

“Why spend your downtime in the Med Bay?”

_Because you are here_. “I need to make sure you don't sneak out.”

“That's it, huh?”

_No..._

“All right then. I promise you I won't sneak out tonight. Now go get some rest. Don't make me pull rank.”

He chuckled and took the datapad from her hand and put it on the bedside table along with a few others. “You too, Commander. We need you back at a hundred percent.”

To his surprise, she didn't resist. “Aye, aye, sir,” she joked with a rare mischievous grin.

“Now here's a miracle,” said Chakwas. “The commander is listening to someone at last. Thank you, Kaidan.”

Kaidan gave the doctor a nod before turning his attention back to the commander. “If you need anything...”

“I need you to rest. Now,” she ordered rather softly.

“Aye, aye, Commander.” Unconsciously, they shared a smile. “I'll stop by before we take off.”

“Hey...” She stopped him.

“Hm?”

“Thanks. I'm glad you're here.”

“I'm always here for you.”

“I know...” That smile on her face was sweet, and knowing he put it on melted his heart more than he cared to admit. “Go,” she ordered once more, “or neither of us would get any sleep.”

He had to agree with her. At times he felt like he could talk to her for hours, or listen to her forever. They would probably keep on talking if he stayed. Reluctantly, he left.

Hours later, when he returned, he found her fast asleep with a datapad loosely held in her grip. Kaidan took it from her before it fell off the bed. One quick glance at it was enough to tell him it wasn't any Alliance related documents; the format was wrong. Curiosity won over, he took a closer look at the content, only to find out it was a novel. The characters' names stood out as he recognized them from a very popular space adventure series he used to read as a kid.

So the famous Commander Shepard was reading an old space adventure novel before she drifted off to sleep. This had to be one of the most endearing facts he had found out about her. He put the datapad down and studied the larger-than-life figure for a moment. She looked most peaceful in her sleep.

The more time he had spent with Shepard, the more he was drawn to her. He had to constantly remind himself this perfect woman in front of him was his commanding officer and the captain of the ship. Most of the time, that line was bright and clear inside his head. Yet there were times his conscious effort slipped and he unconsciously toed that line or even crossed it.

And those were the moments that had given him a lot to think about. Especially because she was never offended when he was out of line, but rather she always seemed to be amused by it.

Kaidan knew he was heading down on a slippery slope if they continued. If only she wasn't his CO...

His hand reached out by itself to brush a few strands of hair off her face. Shepard stirred and he quickly took one step back.

Blue eyes blinked a few times before landing onto him.

“Good morning.” He secretly wondered what it would be like to wake up to this view every morning.

“...Is it time already...?” she asked sleepily.

“Yeah, we're ready to head down to the surface,” he answered quietly, not wanting to wake her up any further.

She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. “...Chakwas must have slipped me something...” she mumbled, “knocked me out...”

It almost felt inappropriate to find her incredibly adorable right now, but he couldn't help it. Neither could he hide a smile. “She probably did. You need to rest to recover.”

“Mm...” She struggled to keep her eyes open.

“Go back to sleep, Commander. By the time you wake up, we'll be back.”

“Mm hmm.”

“I'll give you a full report when I get back.”

“Kaidan...”

“Any last minute orders?”

Her eyes half-opened, looking straight into his. “Come back in one piece.”

Those few simple words warmed his heart more than he would care to admit, although his smile definitely showed. “Aye, aye, ma'am.”

  
  


 


	15. Three-headed Hellhound

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  


Chapter 14: Three-headed Hellhound

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

  


Panic. That was the only thing she felt standing in the middle of a burning ruin. Fire engulfed everything around her, but she did not feel the heat, only panic. She was scared, helpless, and powerless. Survival instinct told her to either fight or flight, but she could do neither. Inevitable destruction was upon them, she knew, they could not escape. Her civilization existed because 'they' allowed it, and it would end because 'they' demanded it. For too long, her people had thrived and expanded by conquest. Very soon, they would pay the price. She knew, she understood, yet she could not to stop any of it. All these had happened before, and it would happen again. It was a cycle that had gone on for millenniums or perhaps even longer.

No one had ever stopped it.

She saw a red beam blasting towards her and instinctively rolled away from its path of destruction. Yet, just like the efforts of her people's military retaliation, her struggle was futile; resistance was futile. The heat from the beam burned her alive. The smell of smoke in the air was her own burning flesh. She tried to scream but there was no voice. Her cycle was ending, just like her own life.

No one could stop it. _She_ could not stop it.

The beam returned once again. This time, she could not dodge. All she saw was red.

Shepard gasped and opened her eyes. For a few seconds, she remained perfectly still, eyes widened staring at the ceiling. It wasn't red. There was no fire burning around her. Her heart was still beating, pounding wildly inside her chest; she was still alive.

It took her another second to register her surrounding. She was not in a burning ruin, but in the Med Bay of her ship. Her eyes darted about as she took a few deep breaths to collect herself. Dr. Chakwas was nowhere to be seen; she was alone, for that she was glad.

A captain going insane would not be good for the morale of the crew.

Shepard shoved that thought away. It was just a nightmare – a recurring nightmare, nothing more. She was not going insane, nor was she about to have a mental break down over some stupid dreams, no matter how vivid they could be.

The images of the dream had begun to fade and scatter the moment she opened her eyes. Like those old fashioned jigsaw puzzles, what was once a full picture now became random pieces of images scrambled inside her head. She recalled the fire, the beam, the feeling of defeat, even an acceptance of her fate. Shepard wasn't too eager to dig deeper into her recollection to try to piece this puzzle back together. The acceptance of defeat in particular bothered her. However futile her effort might be, Aerin Shepard would rather fight to death, then perhaps even crawled back from the Gates of Hell to fight again if need be. Having her surrender and roll over to accept her fate? Never.

Annoyed by her dreams, Shepard shoved the blanket away and pushed herself up. Even though Chakwas meant to tie her down for at least two more days, she was not about to comply.

She jumped out of bed, landing on her good leg before testing her injured one by putting some weight on it. It felt much better after a full day of rest. Not bothering to find her clothes, wearing only her undershirt and a pair of boxer shorts, Shepard walked out of the Med Bay as fast as she could with a slight limp. She had to get out of here, and she had to do it before Chakwas' shift started in the morning.

Luck was on her side, the mess hall was empty at this hour. The crew were either on duty on the upper deck or sleeping. Shepard successfully sneaked back in her office unnoticed. She needed a distraction from her nightmare, and she needed it now.

_If only the ship had a shooting range_ , she thought as she unceremoniously sank down on the chair and turned on the terminal.

Shooting things was out of the question, Shepard settled with the next option: work. Writing reports, reading intels, anything that would take her mind off those fading images and that lingering sense of helplessness.

It took her a minute to gather her thoughts to write her report to the Council. Killing a fifty-thousands-year-old mind-controlling plant life had to be one of the highlights of her career so far, although she doubted the Council would see it that way. At least she had obtained the cypher, the key to decode her visions, but the Council had never taken her visions seriously to start with. Well, the colony was saved from the Geth and the potential purge, the Council couldn't possibly complain about that, could they?

_Of course they could, if they wanted to._ Shepard snorted as she continued with her report. No matter what she did, she could never please everyone, that was one universal truth she had long learned years ago. The only thing that mattered to her was to do the right thing, regardless of what others would think of her.

Burying herself in work did wonder to clear her mind. She had forgotten about her nightmares and even the injury on her leg. After sending her report to the Council, Shepard wrote another one to Anderson, with specific mentions of Alenko, Chakwas, and Joker, giving them each credit where credit was due, but leaving her injury out of the report. Shepard knew the captain had been following her progress through his own channels, but she wanted him to hear directly from her to avoid miscommunication. Even though she no longer reported to Anderson, it was simply done out of respect. As hard-ass as the captain could be, she missed talking to him, she missed his advices.

After reading the content one more time, Shepard hit 'send' and let out a sigh. Being sidelined for only one day, she already felt restless, even though nothing much had happened in the past twenty-four hours. The mission on Nodacrux was a success. Shepard cracked a smile recalling Kaidan telling her that the ExoGeni head scientist had tried to bribe her way out of jail.

_Bribing Alenko? Even_ I _couldn't pull it off_ , Shepard mused.

Like everyone else, Kaidan had his weaknesses, but greed wasn't one of them. That man's integrity was one of many things she admired about him. Shepard idly wondered if Anderson had matched their psychological profiles before assigning Alenko as her second-in-command on the field to avoid potential conflicts. That would explain why she got along particularly well with him.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts.

“Come in,” she called out instinctively then immediately regretted it. If she pretended she wasn't in, perhaps it would take Chakwas longer to find her.

The door opened. Shepard half-expected to find the doctor's piercing green eyes looking at her with disapproval, instead she found Kaidan glancing at her with a half-smile.

“Good morning, Commander,” said her lieutenant. “I knew you'd be here. Glad I didn't have to go around the ship to find you.”

“How come it's you not Chakwas?”

“Dr. Chakwas asked me to find you. She said you'd listen to me.”

_Did she now?_ Shepard smirked. “And what do you think? Do I listen to you?”

“I'd like to think so, but it's a bit too early to dream.”

_Believe it or not, Kaidan, I do._ “So are you going to make me go back to the Med Bay now?”

“As the captain of the ship, the only one who can order you to do anything is the chief medical officer. Last I checked, I'm not even a doctor.”

Her smirk widened. “That's too bad. I would probably listen to Dr. Alenko.”

He gave her a small grin and a roll of his eyes. “I already told Chakwas you won't be heading back. It's a miracle that you're willing to stay for more than twenty four hours.”

Shepard was pleased. “You know me too well, Kaidan.”

He flashed an easy smile, seeming delighted by the praise. “She wanted me to tell you not to run or jump, and to check in with her at least once a day.”

“Done and done.”

“So I assume that means you won't be sitting out today.”

She only needed to give him a faint smile with an arched eyebrow as her answer.

He shook his head. “Didn't think so.”

“I'm curious to find out about this Cerberus group. Your mission yesterday was an in-and-out, I'm guessing it'll be the same for today. I can handle that.” She could tell from the slightest frown on his face that he had his doubt and decided to take a softer approach. “Besides, you're coming with me, so I know I'll be fine.”

And it worked like a charm. He shook his head again with a sigh of defeat. “Remember--”

“Twenty percent left on my shield and I'll tell you,” she finished it for him. Normally she would find this level of concern absolutely unnecessary and patronizing, yet somehow coming from him, she found it strangely endearing. “What's the ETA?” She shifted the topic before he could come up with another reason to ground her, not that she would let him.

“Two hours.”

“Plenty of time. Let's get some breakfast, I'm hungry.” She stood up from the chair and stretched.

Kaidan gave her a quick glance over. “Er... Commander, you might want to...”

Puzzled, Shepard looked down and realized she was still in her black undershirt and boxer shorts and nothing else. “Right.” Keeping a straight face, she held her head high and looked right at him with her usual confidence, even though she was nowhere near fully dressed. “For the record, I'm heavily medicated. Things tend to slip my mind.”

“Of course.” He struggled to hide a smile but failed. “Off the record, you manage to make the standard Alliance shirt looks good, that's... really something, ma'am. No wonder they like to use you in the recruitment vids.”

She could no longer contain a chuckle. “And here I thought I was forced to make those vids because of my scary reputation not my good looks.”

“Why can't it be both?” That tiny teasing smirk he gave her had captured her full attention.

Shepard caught herself staring and tore her gaze away from him. “Thank you, Alenko. Now, unless you want to be here when I get dressed...” She pointed at the door.

“I'll... I'll save you a seat in the mess.”

She stared the door after he left and blinked hard for a few times. Did he just flirt with her?

 

* * *

  


Location: Chasca

  


The mako landed on the surface with its usual bump.

“Both cannon and machine guns are loaded and ready to go,” said Garrus behind the gunnery control.

“Shield at full capacity. No hostiles detected,” Kaidan reported. “We're clear to go.”

Shepard glanced at the map for a moment before coming to an unprecedented decision.

“Anyone wants to take over the mako?” she asked nonchalantly.

All three of her team – Garrus, Kaidan, and Wrex – looked at each other in absolute surprise.

“...And hell freezes over,” Garrus mumbled. “Or whatever that human term is.”

Shepard ignored that comment.

“I'll do it,” Kaidan volunteered and shifted to the driver's seat. She noticed he exchanged a look with Garrus.

“What?” asked Shepard as she settled across Wrex.

“Good call, Commander,” Kaidan said as he plotted a course to the nearest destination. “Safer this way.”

“Safer?” Shepard raised an eyebrow. “Lieutenant, are you suggesting your CO is a terrible driver?” she faked a warning tone just to make her lieutenant squirm in his seat a little.

Wrex's booming laughter echoed through the vehicle before Kaidan could answer.

“No...” Kaidan proceeded very carefully. “I'm just saying putting you behind the control of any sort of vehicles when you are medicated might not be the best idea.”

“Come on, Alenko, grow a pair or two and tell her the truth,” said Wrex. “Shepard is many things, but she drives like a blind varren.”

“What did you just say?” Shepard narrowed her eyes at the krogan.

“Can't handle the truth, Shepard? You fight better than most krogans, I'll give you that. But driving? Ha!”

“You take that back, Urdnot Wrex.”

“Or what?” Wrex smirked. “Stick your boot up my ass?”

“If you want me to, all you need to do is ask.”

“I'd like to see you try, Princess. Don't cry when you break your nails.”

“The only thing that would be breaking are your old bones, not my nails. Face it, your ass is so soft that you can't even handle a few bumps inside a mako.”

“You call that full 360 mid-air flip you pulled the other day a bump?”

“I call that an impressive maneuver. But apparently it's too much for a fossil like you to handle.”

“Let's... not start a galactic incident here inside the mako,” Kaidan suggested.

“Yeah, don't make me go back there and separate you two,” Garrus chimed in.

Wrex and Shepard shared a look before they laughed.

“Relax, pyjaks, we're just playing,” said Wrex. “If we wanted to fight, we would have killed each other by now.”

“What did you call that, Wrex? Good old fashion krogan hot-air? A useful tactic in psychological warfare,” said Shepard. “Extremely efficient when taunting enemies or simply scaring them.”

Wrex grinned. “Shepard's a natural at it.”

“Please don't encourage our commander,” said Kaidan.

“Too late for that,” said Garrus.

Kaidan shook his head before he announced, “Approaching the first civilian structure shown on the map.”

“Finally, some action.” Wrex checked his shotgun.

“Strange... No one's here.” Garrus immediately ran the scanner. “The scanner doesn't pick up any sign of life form.”

Shepard scowled at the news.

“Too quiet. I have a bad feeling about this,” said Wrex.

“Those spikes around the building...” Kaidan mumbled and stopped the mako. “You should take a look at this, Commander.”

Instead of peeking out through the window, Shepard pushed the door open and hopped out of the mako. She froze at the sight of those tripods and spikes. “Can't be...”

“Same as those on Eden Prime,” Kaidan confirmed as he stopped next to her. They exchanged a grim look.

“What are those for?” Garrus took a curios step forward.

“Don't go near them!” Shepard warned sharply. “The Geth use those to turn humans into husks, mindless organic-synthetic fusion creatures that attack on sight. The Alliance call them dragon's teeth.”

Garrus' mandible twitched.

“We saw it on Eden Prime,” said Kaidan. “The Geth impaled victims on the spikes, turning our own people against us.”

“That's horrible, but... efficient,” Garrus commented.

Kaidan scowled. “How could you say that?”

“I can appreciate the enemy's tactic, but it doesn't mean I agree with what they do,” Garrus explained

“I saw two Geth holding a man down and a spike impaled him through his back. That man was still alive when he was turning into a husk!”

Shepard's brows knitted at that particular memory as she instinctively reached for her rifle. Having a gun in her hand always calmed her nerves, yet it didn't wash away that horrible image inside her head.

“It's a terrible method,” Garrus agreed. “But reducing the enemies numbers by turning them against each other is a brilliant tactic.”

Shepard interrupted, “It's a brilliant tactic if we are deploying it against our enemies. But right here, I see it as a brutal way to murder civilians by turning them into a mindless weapons.” She loaded her rifle with practiced ease. “Continue your debate on the Normandy if you want. Right now we have a job to do. I'm going in.”

She didn't wait for any of them and headed into the structure. The medications she had taken had dulled the pain on her leg, but it also dulled all her other senses, slowing her reaction. Shepard willed herself to focus, to sharpen her senses, and to mask her discomfort.

Kaidan caught up with her. “If the entire colony is missing, it means they either escaped or...” he trailed off.

_Or they turned into husks._ “It means there's trouble ahead.” Her grip on her rifle tightened. “Let's put those poor colonists out of their misery.”

 

* * *

  


Location: Chasca Science Station

  


After clearing two civilian structures and the science station they were currently in, Shepard was nowhere closer to finding out who was responsible for the spikes. “Garrus, Wrex, search the area and make sure it's clear. I don't want any husks left behind.”

“Strange. There's no Geth around, just husks. Who brought those spikes here?” Kaidan asked the question she had in mind.

A thought came to her, and she didn't like it a bit. Shepard's frown tightened. “Don't tell me the spikes are the 'samples' ExoGeni shipped out...”

She approached to the other side of the room and hit the button to open the door. A husk suddenly appeared and jumped at her from behind the door. Shepard quickly jammed the butt of her rifle at its face before it could grab her, knocking it down on the floor. Before she could adjust her grip on her rifle to shoot, Kaidan already fired a few rounds into the husk's chest.

“You okay?” Kaidan asked.

“Yeah. Thanks.” As much as she loved adrenaline, she didn't like close calls. On any other day, she would have spotted the husk before it could ambush her, but not today. The medicines that dulled her pain also slowed her reflex, much to her dismay.

“That was close.” Kaidan stepped in front of her. “Stay behind me.”

Shepard shot him an indignant look. “No.”

“Your reflex is not as fast as usual, ma'am. It's the meds you took.”

If that came from anyone else, she would have chewed his head off by now, but Shepard couldn't find the will to snap at him. Instead, she just stepped around him to take the lead down the hallway. “I'm fine.”

He walked beside her. “The dosage Chakwas put you on is high enough to knock out a grown man twice your weight. I don't know how you can stay on your feet, let alone fight.”

She took his remark as a compliment. “Adrenaline is one hell of a drug, Lieutenant.”

He stopped her before she could hit another button to open the door in front of them, earning him a warning glare, but he was unfazed. “I-- we can't afford to lose you on this mission to stop Saren. Please be careful, that's all I'm asking.”

She studied her lieutenant for a moment, his concern was sincere, his reasons logical.“All right...” she conceded, her expression softened. “Can I press the button now?”

He looked at her for a second or two longer with a smile surfacing then took his hand away from hers. “All yours, Commander.”

She jammed the switch and the door opened, thankfully without another husk ambush.

As they stepped in Shepard noticed a terminal at the end of the room. “See if you can find anything on that.”

“On it.” He immediately went to work. “Looks like you're right, Commander. Those dragon's teeth are the samples ExoGeni sent here to a group named Cerberus. The entire pioneer team is dead, dozens of them.”

Sometimes she hated being right. “Did it say anything about who the Cerberus are?”

“Nothing. Just the name. Maybe the Alliance Intel can tell us more.”

Shepard frowned at that. As if one rogue Spectre wasn't enough, now there was a mysterious group she had to deal with. “Whoever they are, if they ordered those spikes to murder the civilians, they're going to pay for what they've done.”

–

A/N: Sneaked some quotes from Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica in this chapter. Those two are some of my favorite series.

Thanks for reading!

Contact info: gmail - pinoko19, tumblr - pinoko-k.

 


	16. Jump Zero

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 15: Jump Zero

Year: 2183CE

Location: MSV Fedele

  
  


Shepard shifted her gaze from the body of Dr. Saleon to Garrus who slowly lowered his rifle after firing the kill shot.

“You all right?” asked Shepard.

Garrus nodded. “And he died anyway. So much for mercy.”

Kaidan glanced around the make-shift lab with a frown. The shelves were full bottles and jars of various type of organs preserved in colorful liquid. “He really used living bodies as test tubes.”

“Yeah. Very nasty,” said Garrus with a shake of his head. “Some of the organs were not even properly grown, and he just left them inside.”

“That's just sick.”

Shepard finished downloading several files from the terminal. “Let's get out of here.” She led the way out. “I'll have Joker call it in and send C-Sec the files we've found here.”

“What's the point? He's dead already,” said Garrus.

“To close your case properly, Officer Vakarian. C-Sec needs to know this.”

“You think C-Sec still cares about this? They have thousands of unsolved cases.”

“Minus one now.” She rested a hand on Garrus' shoulder. “We did our part, it's their job to handle it from here. They need to go through his files to see who his victims were, and match those names to the missing person database. Even if it's just to give one family a sense of closure, it's worth it.”

“This case has been hanging over my head for so long, I thought I'd feel better closing it.”

“You've saved a lot of potential victims by stopping him today, Garrus. Be proud,” said Shepard as they entered the decontamination chamber of the Normandy.

“Commander, may I ask you a question?” Garrus asked.

“Go ahead,” said Shepard.

“You knew he was going to shoot us when you told him you'd turn him in, right?”

Shepard gave him a half-smile. “What makes you think I knew?”

“You lowered your gun, but your finger never left the trigger. You were expecting trouble,” said Garrus.

Her half-smile turned into a smirk. “Sharp as always, Garrus. Yes, I had my suspicion.”

“Then why didn't you let me kill him and get it over with?”

”Because you can't predict how people will act, but you can control how you respond. In the end, that's what really matters.”

Garrus pondered for a moment. “Yeah... Never thought of it that way. You know, I don't think I've met anyone like you, Shepard.”

“No, you haven't.” Shepard gave him a sly look. “You haven't met anyone who is a better shot than you. Until now.”

Garrus grinned. “We'll settle that argument in the shooting range. Anyway, thanks for helping me, Shepard. I owe you one.”

“Anytime, Garrus.”

“Commander,” Joker called out as soon as door opened, “you've got an urgent message from Admiral Hackett.”

Shepard shared a look with her lieutenant. Kaidan immediately followed her to the cockpit.

“Thanks.” Shepard took a datapad from her pilot and had a quick look at the message. “Joker, set a course to Hades Gamma, Farinata System. The coordinate is in Hackett's message.”

For once, Joker didn't talk back. “Aye, aye. Right away.”

“What is this about?” asked Kaidan.

“A hostage situation.”

“Who's been kidnapped?”

“Chairman Burns.”

“Chairman Burns? Sounds familiar...”

“He's the head of Alliance Parliamentary Subcommittee for Transhuman Studies, according to the file.”

Shepard took another look at the datapad to confirm what she had just read. The words 'L2 extremists' were written in the report. She knew about the complications of the L2 chips from Chakwas and Kaidan, yet she never expected some L2 would take extreme actions to get attention from the Alliance. Perhaps because the only L2 she knew was one of the nicest persons she had ever met.

Shepard thought for a moment before making a decision. “Walk with me, Kaidan. I need to talk to you for a minute.”

He followed her without question.

“A group of biotic extremists are holding Burns hostage onboard the Ontario, protesting his vote against providing reparations for the L2 biotics.”

Kaidan nodded and digested the information. “Fighting a group of biotics on a freighter could be tricky, there's not a lot of room to maneuver. I can put a dampening field to disable their biotics temporarily...” He paused and studied her. “But... that's not the reason why you wanted to talk to me, was it? Not for tactical advice.”

He had become quite good at reading her, she noticed. Shepard stopped in her tracks and proceeded carefully, “If you want to sit this one out...”

It took him a second to realize what she was trying to say. “Look, Commander, I won't go easy on them just because they're L2. I don't have sympathies for those extremists. I mean, I can certainly understand their frustrations, but kidnapping is not the solution.”

“Good to know. And... no offense, Kaidan.”

He seemed more amused that anything else. A smile appeared as he looked at her. “None taken, ma'am. It's... actually very thoughtful of you to even consider that I might be bothered by it.”

“It's not easy being a human biotic to start with, being an L2 is even harder with all those side effects. I don't pretend to understand what you have to deal with because of your implant, but I know, because of it, you have to work hard to prove that you are not like the rest, and work even harder just to be here today.”

He stared at her for a while. Strangely, Shepard didn't mind. “Thanks. That means a lot.”

She gave him a smile and resumed her way to the lower level.

“Be careful, Commander. The L2 are more powerful than the L3 human biotics you've faced. And they were probably trained in Brain Camp like I did. If they came out alive and joined the extremist group, it means they're both dangerous and unstable.”

“Brain Camp?”

“Sorry, BAaT. 'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training'. We used to call it Brain Camp.”

“It's on your file, I remember. But it said it was closed soon after and never reopened. Everything else I've found is classified.”

“Yeah, it didn't last too long. Conatix Industries set it up to track down all of us who had eezo exposures. One day a bunch of guys in suits shows up at the door after school, and next thing you know, you are out on Jump Zero attending Brain Camp.”

“They kidnapped you?”

Kaidan shook his head with a hint of smirk. “'Coerced' might be a more suitable term. Back then humans knew nothing about biotics. When a kid showed signs of biotic potential, and someone came along to convince the family that the biotic abilities – and the kid – were dangerous, then offered a training program to help that kid, it'd be hard-pressed for the family to reject that offer.”

She scowled at that method. “Jump Zero was far away from home.”

“Yeah. Back then they were still testing FTL, and it was before we started using Mass Relays. Jump Zero was the biggest and furthest facility from Earth for decades. It was a sterile research facility when I was there.”

“But you weren't alone, were you? There must be other kids around your age at the camp.”

“That's true.” Kaidan grinned slightly at the memories. “There was a group of us... Space stations are boring for kids, not much to do – well, you know that better than anyone.”

Shepard smiled at that.

“For us it's worse,” he continued, “there was no extranet; Conatix wanted to keep the project in the dark as much as possible. So we had our trainings during the day, but we gathered at night before lights out just to bull or play network games or cards with each other.”

They headed down the stairs side bye side. “Come on, you were a bunch of teenagers, I'm sure you'd find other ways to occupy the time,” she baited and glanced at him to see his reaction.

As expected, his eyes widened at her implication but recovered quickly and turned serious. “I'm not the type who'd do such a thing, not lightly anyway.”

Shepard didn't even bother to hide a smirk. She noticed out of everyone in her team, Liara was the easiest one to get a reaction from, followed by Kaidan. The hardest had to be Wrex. Nothing seemed to faze that krogan.

He gave her a sideways glance. “And you're just messing with me.”

“Mm hmm.” She confirmed with a smile of victory and continued down the stairs. “Go on.”

“Right...” He followed. “There's a girl I spent a lot of time with – but we kept our clothes on.”

Shepard hid a laugh at his additional clarification. “What's her name?”

“Her name's Rahna. She was from Turkey, her family was rich. She was smart, charming as hell. And beautiful but not in a stuck up way. Like you, I guess, ma'am.”

That made her pause in her tracks. Did he just say she was smart, charming, and beautiful? Uncertain of what she had just heard, Shepard studied at him curiously. His tone was too sincere for it to be a harmless joke to get back at her. Nor was it a slip-up; there was not a hint of awkwardness on his face. Instead, she found him studying _her_ closely, perhaps waiting for her to respond.

If it wasn't a joke or a slip-up, it could only mean one thing: He knew what he was doing and he meant what he said.

Suddenly, she became very much aware of the proximity between them.

Shepard broke the gaze and took a sudden interest in the steps ahead of her as she continued her path down. “Was she special to you?” she asked deliberately to divert his attention away from her and back to the girl in his past.

“I guess she was. Maybe she felt that same way. I don't know... Haven't seen her since Brain Camp.”

She called for the elevator. “Maybe you'll bump into her one of these days.”

He chuckled lightly. “I don't think so, Commander. The galaxy is huge. That was... what? Fifteen years ago? I probably won't recognize her anymore. Anyway, I didn't mean to turn this into a bull session about stuff happened years ago.”

She gave him an incredulous look and shook her head before she stepped into the elevator. “Come on, Kaidan, you need to loosen up. What if I told you I loved these bull sessions?”

He followed, seemingly surprised by that.

She pressed the button. “Moments like this keep me sane. It's important to remind myself what I'm fighting for. For the people around me, like you. To make it personal, to make the stake higher, so I'll fight harder.” She looked straight at him and gave him a sincere smile. “So, thanks for the talk.”

“Well, you're welcome, ma'am.” Kaidan paused before he spoke again, “...Commander?”

“Mm?”

There was yet another moment of hesitation before he asked, “You... er make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?”

She froze, eyes widened. That simple question caught her completely off-guard because she knew exactly what he meant. He wasn't just referring to their talk, but everything that had happened between them lately.

And the shock didn't just come from the question itself, but also the answer echoed inside her head and the implication behind it.

She had spent quite a lot of downtime with him, more than she did with anyone else on the ship. Her smile came easier when she was around him. She was comfortable enough to open up to him. She had even shown him her childhood picture to satisfy his curiosity, one that had never been seen by anyone else. All these were signs that told her he was special, signs she had chose to ignore until now.

For too long, she had built an emotional barrier around herself. Always focused on her assignments, on perfecting her skills, she had become so good at burying her feelings to a point that she could even hide them from herself.

Until a simple question had dug them up and pointed them out to her.

And that terrified her.

Still, this wasn't the time to think. She was very much aware of those warm brown eyes that never left her. He was patiently waiting for her answer. Stealing a quick glance, she saw his expression was one full of uncertainty yet laced with more than a hint of hope, mirroring how she felt.

She willed herself to gather her composure despite the sudden internal turmoil. Although however strong-willed she might be, she couldn't stop her cheeks from burning.

Damn physiology.

“No,” she answered quietly. She couldn't lie to him, nor could she lie to herself. Not anymore. “No, I don't.”

He seemed relieved. He fought hard to hold back a grin but failing, she noticed. For the first time, she was willing to admit to herself that she did love his smile, among other things, and that she found his occasional awkwardness quite endearing.

“I'll... er, I'll need some time to process that.”

So did she.

Shepard swore it was getting noticeably hotter inside the enclosed space. Thankfully the elevator stopped.

“We'll talk later,” said Shepard as she stepped out.

“I'd like that.”

That warm smile he gave her was contagious. Try as she might, she couldn't suppress a smile of her own. Biting her lip to keep her face straight, Shepard stepped ahead of him and headed to Ashley's station to unload her guns.

“There you go, Chief. Thanks.”

Ashley gave her a weird look.

“What?”

“...I thought it was an in-and-out mission, Commander. Did something funny happen?”

“No, why?”

“You and the L-T are both grinning, ma'am.”

Shepard cursed silently and willed her cheeks not to burn up but failed. She did, however, flatten the corners of her lips. “Just told him a joke I heard a long time ago,” she lied effortlessly. “After seeing what's onboard that ship, he needed to laugh a little.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Oh, it's gruesome,” Kaidan collaborated seamlessly as he stopped beside her. Shepard tried not to think how close she was to him. “That guy... he used his victims as living test tubes to grow organs right inside their bodies when they're alive.”

Ashley made a face.

Kaidan continued, “There were jars of harvested organs from different species everywhere. Glad you weren't there to see those.”

“Yeah... I like to keep my breakfast inside my stomach.”

It was a perfect time for Shepard to make her exit, but Ashley's next question halted her.

“So what's this joke about?”

“Er...” Kaidan shot a slightly panic glance at Shepard.

Shepard pointedly ignored him. “I'll tell you next time when you're about to puke, Chief.”

“Aw, no fun,” Ashley complained jokingly.

“I should head back to the CIC.” Shepard mustered all her willpower to maintain a perfect poker face when she turned to Kaidan. “Lieutenant.”

He gave her a polite nod. “Commander.”

That single word alone was enough to send a tickle down her spine, her composure almost cracked.

Damn that man and his voice.

Shepard quickly entered the elevator and hit the button to head up. For once, she was thankful for its notoriously slow speed, giving her enough time to cool her head and hopefully her cheeks as well. She took a deep breath and swallowed hard.

What the hell had she gotten into? Or better yet, what the hell had gotten into her?

* * *

 

A/N: And so the shenko begins. More to come before it hits the fan.

Thanks for reading.


	17. Aerin

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  


Chapter 16: Aerin

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

   


Kaidan found himself once again in the mess hall upgrading another omni-tool. This time, he handled it with extra care. Even though it was just another Alliance standard issue equipment, it was Shepard's. The commander had handed it to him without a second thought, trusting him with all the personal data and files implicitly, for that Kaidan was honored.

To say he wasn't tempted to see what Shepard had stored in her omni-tool would be a lie. It would be like a peek inside her private world to see what programs she had installed, or perhaps even games if any, and what pictures or vids she had taken. But Kaidan would never betray her trust; he couldn't. She was too important to him, not just as his commanding officer, but as a friend. Or – if he could shut down his mind for a second and dared to dream – perhaps even more.

That familiar voice of hers could be heard faintly from afar. “Done polishing that armor?” Shepard asked. Judging from the sound, Kaidan guessed she was heading down the stairs from the upper level.

“Ha! That piece of crap could never be as shiny as it once was no matter how much I polish it,” Wrex's booming voice answered.

Kaidan shook his head with a smile. He didn't mean to eavesdrop, but it's hard not to overhear their conversation with voice like Wrex's. As cool as Wrex had tried to play it off, Kaidan could tell how much that ancient armor meant to the krogan, and how sincerely grateful he was to the commander for recovering it.

“But you still polish it,” said Shepard. “I would too, if I were you. I still clean my father's guns when I'm at my mother's home.”

“Yeah...” There was a rare nostalgic tone in Wrex's voice.

“Guess that makes us both softies, huh?”

“Let's keep this secret between us.” The krogan chuckled.

“Agree. Can't let our enemies know that. We need to walk into a battlefield and strike fear into their hearts just by our sheer presence.”

“Spoken like a true krogan.” Wrex laughed. “Be careful, Shepard, I might really start to like you.”

The sound of the sliding elevator door could be heard even in the mess.

“Can't have that now, can we? See you around, Wrex.”

“Shepard.”

Kaidan glanced up and saw the commander emerged from the hallway by herself. She gave him a casual nod before putting a few datapads on the table across from him.

“Commander.”

“Lieutenant.” Despite using his formal title, there was the faintest hint of sing-song tone in her voice that indicated her subtle playfulness.

Kaidan had learned how to read the commander after spending most of his waking hours with her since the beginning of their tour. To most, Shepard might seem stoic. But there was always something in her eyes or her voice that showed a glimpse of the person underneath the professional front. And he liked that person more and more each day.

His eyes followed the commander as she went to get a cup of coffee. He didn't realize his gaze had unconsciously settled on that very nice curve of her behind until she started to turn around. Kaidan quickly brought his focus back onto the omni-tool in his hands as she walked back to her seat.

The smell of fresh coffee made him want to have a cup. But before he could even put down the omni-tool to get his own, Shepard settled the coffee cup in front of him. He looked up and found her glancing at him with a knowing smile. “Thought you might want some.”

He couldn't hold back a light chuckled. Lately, the commander had made a habit of anticipating his need before he realized it, Kaidan noticed. “Thanks,” he said. “You know... I could get used to this.”

There was a smirk on Shepard's face. “Good. I was counting on that,” she joked.

Kaidan took a sip of the coffee; once again she had made it just the way he liked it. He had to wonder how long she had been observing him to get all the details right.

“I just sent a message to Admiral Kahoku to tell him we found his men,” said the commander as she settled across from him.

Kaidan recalled their earlier mission with a slight frown. “Did you tell him they were lured into a thresher maw's nest?”

Shepard nodded. “He's not going to like it, but he needs to know the truth and start his investigation. How's the repair on the mako?”

“It took quite a beating when we fought the thresher maw. We did what we could, but we ran out of spare parts. When we get to the Citadel, the maintenance crew could bring in parts we need to fix it.”

“Let the maintenance crew fix it while they work on the ship. You need to take a break.”

“I'm fine, Commander.”

Shepard shot him a look. “I'm not asking for your opinion, Lieutenant. I'm ordering you to take a little time off.”

That faint hint of smile on her face and the softer tone in her voice were not lost to him. “Aye, aye, ma'am,” he replied without bothering with a straight face.

“Go blow off steam, do whatever you need to recharge. We're no closer to finding Saren than we did last week. I don't know how long this mission is going to last, but I know I need you--” Shepard stopped abruptly.

Kaidan swore his heart melted a little with those three words.

But she corrected herself, “...I need you to get this done.”

“Understood. You can count on me.”

To that, she smiled. “I know.”

Shepard turned her attention to the datapad, while Kaidan diverted his back to the omni-tool in his hands. A familiar comfortable silence settled between them as they both focused on their respective work.

His mind went back to the conversation they had the other day in the elevator. That question he had asked, and that answer she had given. It was all that he could hope for, and felt almost too good to be true. But when his head had finally cooled off, that lingering problem remained: She was still his CO. No matter how much he – perhaps even she – wanted to start something, the chain of command would always be in between them until they were no longer serving on the Normandy.

Like she had just said, there was no telling how long this mission would last. For now, he would have to hold himself back until everything settled.

As professional as he tried to be, Kaidan found it increasingly harder to concentrate when she was around. His mind would always find an excuse to drift to her, then his gaze would follow.

To her credit, Shepard remained as focused as always and seemingly obvious to most of his stolen glances. But sometimes, he found the corners of her lips would curl up ever-so slightly, telling him she knew he was staring even without looking at him.

Still, neither of them had brought up that conversation again. Perhaps they didn't need to. There was not the slightly hint of awkwardness between them. Instead, that sense of familiar comfort had only grown when they were with each other.

Whether they had been traveling the whole day or crawling through Geth-filled ruin, at the end of each day, she would come to spend some quiet downtime with him. It had become something he always looked forward to. Sometimes they would talk about everything, sometimes they would share a moment of peace between them. Knowing she was safe, that she was with him, it was enough to help him relax. It was the sanity check he needed.

Kaidan initiated a diagnostic check on the omni-tool before putting it down and reached for the cup of coffee. He glanced at her briefly and noticed her eyebrows were knitted, her lips pressed.

“Bad news?” he asked, breaking the peaceful silence.

Shepard looked up. “Mm? Oh. This?” For a moment, she hesitated. “No, it's not a report. I've finished those already. It's a novel.”

He couldn't help but chuckle. He had to wonder if she was reading the same novel he had found on her bed in Med Bay a short while ago.

“Shut up, it's not some sleazy romance novel. It's a space adventure with a captain commanding his ship with his rag-tag group to scout the final frontier.” Shepard's eyes brightened as she explained, “They encountered different aliens along their travel, utilizing their captain's diplomatic skill to win allies and their limited weaponry to fight against enemies. With each encounter, they learn valuable lessons that would improve humanity as a whole.”

So it was the same novel. His smile broadened as he observed her defending her taste in literature with unexpected passion. He had never found her more lovable than she was right now.

“Don't forget they always have those exotic green female aliens...” He chuckled at her surprised look and admitted, “I used to read them when I was a kid.”

“You did?” Those stunning blue eyes lit up in absolute delight. “It's one of my favorite series ever since I was a kid. Loved them. Still do, although I don't have much time to read nowadays. My mother used to read me stories, and I always picked space adventures. Picturing myself as the hero, fighting aliens, saving the day...” Her faraway gaze eyes eventually landed on him and warned jokingly, “Don't laugh.”

He recalled that picture of a young Shepard she had shown him. He tried to kill his smile but failed. “I'm not laughing. It's cute.”

She laughed. “Cute? My mom would disagree. I had a lot of scraps and bruises from jumping and climbing, re-enacting the heroic scenes.”

Kaidan found himself drawn to this side of Shepard more than he should. Not the war hero, not the Spectre, not even the commander, but the woman she had become and the girl she used to be. “No wonder you're good at what you do, you've been practicing since you were a kid.”

“Mm hmm....” She nodded with a smile, though it was fading. “It's been years since I last read this. Just picked it back up recently. It... calms me down when I can't sleep.”

That alarmed him. “You have trouble sleeping?”

And just like that, the light in her eyes dimmed down. The beaming little girl was gone, the woman with the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders was back. There was a long moment of hesitation before she admitted quietly, “Yeah... Sometimes I dream about my visions. Usually can't sleep after I wake up from it.”

Whatever rattled Commander Shepard had to be disturbing. He never asked her about her visions, never thought it was necessary for him to know. But now, he knew he had to, not to satisfy his curiosity, but for her own sake. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?” She seemed genuinely surprised by the question.

“Whatever it is that is keeping you up at night.”

Shepard went quiet, but Kaidan knew she was only gathering her thoughts. So he waited patiently.

Soon enough, she began, “In my dreams, I was always in some burning ruin, waiting to be killed. I didn't fight back, couldn't escape. And when I died, that's when I'd wake up.” When she glanced up and looked straight at him, he noticed there was something he had never seen in her eyes: Distress.

The thought of her dying, even in a nightmare, was enough to disturb him. He only wished he could help her somehow. If she had not pushed him away that day on Eden Prime, he would be the one who was suffering right now, _if_ he could make it through this far without going insane to start with.

Before he could come up with any better consolation other than 'it's just a dream,' Shepard had already composed herself and shook her head. “Don't look at me like that. A few sleepless nights won't kill me. And it certainly won't affect my performance.”

“I'm not worried about your combat or leadership performance, Commander. I'm worried about you.”

Shepard met his gaze. For a long while, they only looked at each other.

“Kaidan... I--” Shepard started softly but suddenly stopped as her eyes shifted to something behind him.

He wondered about the sudden change. But a voice coming from behind him answered his question.

“L-T, there you are,” Ashley called out to him.

Kaidan held back a curse and put on a smile. “Hey Ash.”

“Am I... interrupting anything?” she asked.

“No, I'm just reading,” said Shepard before turning her attention back to her datapad.

“Hey, Skipper, mind if I borrow the L-T for a bit?”

“What's up?” asked Kaidan.

There was a slightly mischievous smile on Ashley's face. Kaidan recognized that look, it could only mean trouble. “I am going to send a vid mail to my sister. Come say hi to her.”

He was more than a little puzzled. “...Why?”

“Her sister thinks you're cute,” Shepard explained without looking up from her datapad.

“What?!”

“Great, thanks for scaring him away,” Ashley complained jokingly.

Shepard's smirk was her only response.

“Come on, Kaidan, just say hi. My sister ain't going to eat you alive. Not through vids anyway.”

Kaidan turned to his commander for help. Shepard glanced up at him and he used that precious second to put on his best puppy face to plead silently. And it worked. Blue eyes softened almost immediately at his plea.

Shepard shot a look at the chief. “Leave him alone, Ash.”

“Not fair, Shepard. You always side with him.”

“Who sided with you and agreed to drag him down to Flux when we dock at the Citadel?” the commander retorted.

“Well, I guess.” A grin spread on Ashley's face. “It's gonna be fun, Alenko.”

“Try not to puke on us this time,” he reminded Ashley of her misadventure during Shepard's Spectre inauguration party.

“Hey, that... that doesn't count! It's the food in the casino. I want a do-over!” Ashley protested.

“You'll have yours soon,” Shepard promised. “Kaidan's working on my omni-tool. Maybe he can say hi to your sister next time.”

“Yeah, sorry Ash.”

“Fine, I'll tell my sister you are busy with the commander. Next time.” Ashley narrowed her eyes as a playful warning then waved and left.

They drifted back to their previous comfortable silence for a moment.

“Thanks for saving me, Commander.”

Shepard put down her datapad and studied him very curiously. “You really need to loosen up, Kaidan.”

Kaidan was puzzled to say the least. “...Something wrong?”

“Among my entire team, all six of you, you are the only one who insists on calling me 'Commander' even when we're off-duty.”

He wasn't sure how to respond to that. Not directly to her anyway. Calling her 'Commander' was a constant reminder of her being his CO, it was an effective way to keep himself from stepping out of line too often, and the only way to keep himself from completely falling for her. Although in his mind, he had found himself calling her 'Aerin' more than a few times.

“We are out here fighting for our lives with only each other to count on. Am I still just your CO to you after all these time?” There was a shade of disappointment in both her eyes and her voice. And that hurt him more than he would let it show.

“No, of course not, Shepard.” He took the first step to break down that self-imposed barrier. Although, somehow, calling her 'Shepard' it didn't sit right with him. To him, she was not just the commander everyone had heard of, nor the Shepard that most respected and some feared. She was that woman whose smile could light up his world, and her name was Aerin.

Shepard shook her head with an almost exasperated sigh to herself. “I thought you, of all people, should know me better. As long as you get your job done, which I'm sure you will, you can call me whatever you want.” She turned her attention back to her datapad for a few seconds then added nonchalantly without looking up, “I prefer 'Aerin'.”

Kaidan could have sworn she was reading his mind when she stated her preference.

Glancing across the table, he noticed the corners of her lips curled up rather sweetly. He had to remind himself not to stare and forced his focus back to the omni-tool in his hands. Despite his well-practiced discipline, there was a smile he failed to contain.

No matter how many times his head had warned him not to get too close to his commander, his heart would toss that advice out of the airlock and made a beeline for her. It was a losing battle, one he might not able to fight much longer. When it came to Shepard, his head and his heart had always been misaligned almost right from the start.

He broke the silence once more. “Next time you can't sleep, come find me.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. “What? Are you going to tell me a bedtime story?”

“I have a few stories to tell, including one that involves casino, batarian mob, five thousand credits, and a bottle of whiskey.”

That got her full attention. Shepard looked at him with her eyes lit up.

“Not now. I'll save that for later.”

She gave him an appraising look. “You are full of surprises, Alenko.”

“Why thank you, Aerin.” Now, her name finally sounded just right.

It might be just his imagination, but he swore that lovely smile that appeared on her face right after he had said her name brightened up the dim mess hall, or at least his world. Shepard diverted her attention back to her datapad, but Kaidan could tell she was struggling to put on a straight face. As for himself, he too tried and failed to wipe that grin that inexplicably plastered on his face even after he willed himself to focus back on the delicate task of overclocking the mainframe of her omni-tool.

He was happy; that was the plain and simple truth.

And he was happy because of her; he couldn't deny that either.

It would appear that the tug war between his head and his heart was finally over. He could no longer avoid the inevitable no matter how hard he tried.

Kaidan Alenko was in love.

* * *

 

A/N: Yes, it's sweet and too cute. I know. But believe me when I say it won't last. So enjoy it while you can. I'm better at writing darker subjects than sweeter ones like this, can't wait to flex my muscles (in a way) when time comes.

Thanks for reading!


	18. Shore Leave

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 17: Shore Leave

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel Silversun Strip

  
  


The sushi place was fancier than she had thought. There was a long line of hungry customers waiting in front of the restaurant by the time she arrived. Shepard briefly wondered if she had to wait to get in. She was already running late, and Shepard hated being late.

The host noticed Shepard as she approached and greeted her with a smile, “Commander Shepard. Captain Anderson is waiting for you at the back of the restaurant.”

Shepard thanked him and bypassed the long line. She heard whispered among the crowd, mumbling 'Shepard' and 'the first human Spectre' as she passed through, yet she paid them no attention. So much for the anonymity she had enjoyed while traveling through the galaxy.

Captain Anderson spotted her first and waved at her. “Over here, Shepard!”

“Captain Anderson.” Shepard smiled and quickly walked to his table. The captain looked well-rested at least, she noticed.

Anderson stood and extended a hand. Shepard gladly took it but was surprised that the captain pulled her in for a quick hug and a hearty pat on her back. “Glad to see you make it back alive.”

“Sorry I am late, sir,” Shepard apologized as she sat down. “There was an unscheduled inspection of the Normandy when we docked.”

Anderson scowled at the news. “By whom?”

“Rear Admiral Mikhailovich.”

“Mikhailovich? I know him. What did he want?”

“I'd say he was trying to pick a fight, but...” Shepard shrugged. “He didn't like the fact that the Normandy was handed over to the Citadel Council. He said the ship was supposed to be assigned to the 63rd Scout Flotilla after our initial shakedown run.”

Anderson chuckled. “Someone's butt hurt. 63rd Scout Flotilla didn't just lose the Normandy, but they lost you as well. Did he give you any trouble?”

Shepard smirked. “Nothing I couldn't handle, sir. He complained about the CIC being too far from the bow. He also didn't like the price of the stealth system or my alien crew members. But I answered to every single one of his concerns.”

Anderson snorted with a shake of his head. “Typical Mikhailovich.” He poured some warm sake into Shepard's cup. “You could have use your Spectre status to deny the inspection, you know?”

Shepard's smirk widened. “Where's the fun in that?”

“Smart ass,” Anderson grumbled with a rare smile and raised his cup of sake. “It's good to see you again.”

Shepard raised hers with a grin. “Likewise, sir. You look much better.”

“Guess I finally have time to enjoy my apartment here in the Citadel.” The captain took a sip and put down his cup. “I see Mikhailovich wasn't the only one who ambushed you when you arrived. I saw your interview with that Al-Jilani.”

“It's already on?”

The captain nodded towards the giant screen on one of the walls. “Was on the news just before you came in.”

“She was waiting for me right when I got off the elevator from the dock.”

“Must have heard words about the Normandy's arrival. Those reporters have ears everywhere.” There was a slight frown of disapproval before the captain turned his gaze onto his protege and gave her a nod filled with pride. “You did good, Aerin. That woman tried to paint you as a shill for the Council, but you kept your cool and gave her a verbal smack down. It was satisfying to watch.”

The approval from her mentor worth more to her than she would admit. Shepard gave him a meaningful look with a hint of smirk. “I learned from the best, sir.”

That made Anderson laugh. “Not from me, then. I would have tempted to punch her if she tried that shit on me when I was your age.”

“Can't say I wasn't tempted. But I represent both the Alliance and the Spectre; punching civilians isn't exactly what humanity stands for. Udina wouldn't like it.”

“Didn't know you like Udina enough to make his job easier for him.”

“I don't, sir. But if I stepped out of line, it would be you who would pay the price. You'd be at the receiving end of Udina's complaints.”

“Glad to see you've thought it through.” The captain was pleased. “I've talked Admiral Hackett. He told me about all the missions you have done for him.”

“Just doing my job, sir.”

“One hell of a job, Shepard. I read all your reports. Well done on Feros. No casualty and convincing ExoGeni to stay. How did you manage that?”

“Took a bullet in my leg for not shooting the civilians, and gave the ExoGeni representative an offer he couldn't refuse.”

“How bad was the injury?”

“Don't worry, sir. Fully recovered. Bullet went through and through after my shield was down. Thanks to Lieutenant Alenko, he patched me up nicely before we could make it back to the ship. Chakwas said it would have been much worse if he didn't do a perfect job sealing my wounds.” Shepard took a sip from her sake.

Anderson nodded. “Alenko's skill sets complement yours. And he's dependable. That's why I picked him to watch your back.” He paused, then asked almost as an afterthought. “You two get along?”

Although Shepard was surprised by that question, she didn't show. “Yes. Nicely.”

“Good. He's one of the best.”

“Can't agree more.” Shepard nodded, then diverted the subject away from Kaidan. “Sir, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course, Commander.”

“Have you heard of a group called Cerberus?”

The captain's expression suddenly darkened. His frown was harsh. “Where did you hear that name?”

Shepard continued carefully, “Found a lead on Feros. ExoGeni was shipping dragon's teeth to a colony, ordered by Cerberus. People on that colony turned into husks when we got there.”

The knot between his brows tightened at that news. “You took care of all the husks?”

“We did.”

There was a moment of hesitation before the captain continued, “Cerberus used to be a black ops for the Alliance.”

“What?!”

“Used to,” Anderson emphasized. “Later on they went rogue, and now they're a bunch of terrorists. Forget about Cerberus, Shepard, let the Alliance deal with them. You have bigger problems.”

Shepard knew when to stop pushing. “You mean Saren.”

The captain grimaced at that name as if it brought a bitter taste to his mouth.

“Saren was after the Thorian for the Prothean cypher on Fero, Captain. He betrayed his own people _and_ the Thorian after he got what he wanted.”

“Yes, I read about that...” Anderson looked troubled. “And your cypher, did that help?”

“Dr. T'Soni joined her mind with mine, even she couldn't much make sense out of it. But she did confirm it was a Reaper that I saw in my visions.”

“Now you know what type of bastard Saren really is. You have to stop him. At all cost.”

Shepard looked at her mentor over her sake cup. Was he suggesting that she should kill Saren instead of arresting him? There was no room for ambiguity, she had to confirm. “Sir, are you suggesting...?”

“If Saren is going to unleash the Reapers on us, the galaxy as we know it will cease to exist. Take him down, Commander, whatever it takes.”

“But the Council--”

“They are in denial. But I trust you, I trust your visions. And I know what kind of bastard Saren is, what he's capable of. He may be able to fool the Council, but he can't fool me. Stop him, Aerin.” The captain looked straight into her eyes and repeated firmly, “Whatever it takes.”

 

* * *

 

Location: Flux Nightclub

  
  


“You're shitting me.” Joker squinted at the trinket in his hand.

Flux wasn't exactly the best place to examine a relic, or whatever it was. Having more than a few drinks from the bar certainly didn't help the pilot's judgment either. But even Kaidan couldn't begin to guess what that trinket was for when Shepard had shown him earlier.

“I'm not,” Shepard responded as she casually leaned back on her chair with a glass of wine balanced on her loose grip.

Sitting across the small table from the commander, Kaidan subtly enjoyed the view in front of him. It was nice to see her sit back and relax. She needed a break after all she had been through since Eden Prime, he knew it better than anyone else.

“So, after helping the consort with her little problem, all you've got from her is this... thing?” Joker made a face and handed it back to her. “You got ripped off, Shepard!”

Shepard just shrugged, “That's all she gave me. What was I supposed to do? Ask her for sex?”

Kaidan almost choked on his beer.

Joker, however, was unfazed by the commander. “Well, at least if you did and made a vid out of it, you could have sold it. I guarantee you'd make more than enough credits to buy a tropical island and retire there right now.”

The commander wasn't at all offended. Instead she just shook her head with a tiny smile and sipped her wine.

Kaidan knew the pilot had a point, but he was not about to speak his mind on this particular topic. Although tainted by a pinch of bitter jealousy, the thought of Shepard and the consort together was enough to make his throat dry. He reached for his bottle again and took a long drink.

“I bet you would be the first to buy the vid, Joker,” said Ashley.

The pilot raised both of his hands in the air in mock surrender. “Hey, I'm a man. Guilty as charged!”

Kaidan was smart enough to quickly change the topic before the inevitable attention was given to him as the other male in the group. “You know, it's hard to imagine a general like Septimus getting so upset about a woman.”

Ashley shook her head at him. “That's because you don't know women, Kaidan.”

“All you need to know about women is that they are all crazy,” said Joker. “And most of them are trouble.”

“Hey! Watch it, Mister,” Ashley warned then motioned to herself and Shepard. “Incredibly strong and beautiful women here. We don't need guns to beat up some stupid men with big mouths.”

“What did I tell you? Crazy.” Joker wiggled an eyebrow at Kaidan and smirked. “Oh, and watch out for the quiet type too. Like Liara. You know what they say about the those type.”

“Okay, I'll bite.” Kaidan played along. “What?”

“That they tend to be super crazy. Like 'watching you in your sleep every night' type of crazy.” The pilot then turned his attention to the commander. “Watch out, Shepard. I'd lock the door at night if I were you.”

“What? Why me?” asked the slightly confused commander who had been watching the conversation unfolded with mild amusement while enjoying her wine.

“Pfft, don't tell me you didn't you see the look Liara gave you when we were in the elevator just now.”

“What look?”

“She was checking out your ass, Shepard! Now you made me say it.”

There was a split second of confusion that turned genuine surprise shown on Shepard's face. It was then Kaidan realized Shepard didn't know about that lower deck rumor. Kaidan watched as she brought her glass to her lips and took a deliberate sip. He knew she was using the time to process that new information.

Kaidan stepped up and rationalized it for her sake, “Come on, Joker. I'm sure Liara didn't mean to look.”

“I know what I saw,” Joker insisted.

“Liara and I are friends, nothing more,” Shepard insisted firmly.

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.” The pilot then directed his attention to Kaidan not-so subtly. “Don't say I didn't warn you.”

Ashley waved a hand at Joker dismissively. “So what if she was checking out our commander? Big deal. Shepard's got some sweet ass. I check her out from time to time too.”

Kaidan wisely kept his mouth shut on this topic as well. Although he did wholeheartedly agree with Ashley's assessment on the commander's figure.

Shepard was amused, to say the least. “Why thank you, Miss Williams.” She flashed a grin and tipped her wine glass to the chief.

“Men think they are the only ones who get to check us out. We girls look at each other all the time without drooling like an idiot. Am I right, Skipper?”

Shepard chuckled. “Sure. Especially if they're nice to look at.”

“See?” Ashley looked smugly at Joker when her point was proven.

A smirk appeared on the pilot's face. “Yeah, I don't see you going to Chora's Den and buy a lap dance to check out those women.”

The chief retorted without missing a beat, “That's because I don't need to pay to see a naked woman's ass.”

“Ouch!” Kaidan grinned.

“Oh ho! Well played, Williams, well played,” Joker conceded with a slow clap of his hands.

Ashley raised her shot glass and drained it before ordering another one.

Joker leaned towards Kaidan. “See, I like I said, women are crazy. Especially that one over there. Watch yourself, Alenko.”

“You talking about me?” Shepard raised an eyebrow at her pilot while idly swirling her glass.

“No shit. In case you've forgotten, let me do a recap. First, you wanted me to pull a stunt and land the Normandy on molten lava, then we docked at a colony full of mutant zombies clawing on the door trying to get in and eat our brains. Are we living in some sort of action vids or something? What's next? The attack of ancient alien race? Oh wait! That's already happening.”

Shepard countered with a smirk, “Admit it, Joker, you love the excitement.”

“Yeah, I love the excitement of soaring through space but not having my ship damaged by zombies.”

“The colonists didn't even scratch the paint job,” said Kaidan.

“And believe me,” Shepard added, “if we ever saw brain eating zombies, they would probably go for Kaidan and Liara first.”

“Why me?” Kaidan was puzzled.

Shepard looked at him with a half-smile. “Biotics. You can kill with your mind, Kaidan. You're practically a walking weapon. You know how fascinating that type of power is?” That twinkle in her eyes captivated his full attention. “That alone is enough to assume that your brain would be the sweetest to those zombies.”

Kaidan felt strangely flattered, horrified, and amused at the same time.

“Fascinating, huh?” Ashley asked the commander with a teasing grin. “Are you sure that's the only word you really have in mind?”

“Both fascinating and sexy,” Shepard clarified nonchalantly. “Satisfied?”

Kaidan almost choked on his beer once again.

Ashley let out a cheer. “Straight to the point, Shepard! I like you!” She clinked her glass with the commander's and downed the shot.

Joker snickered. “Make sure Shepard never turns into a zombie, Kaidan, or you'll be the first to die in her hands.”

“I'm sure he wouldn't mind if he's eaten by our commander,” Ashley commented with a smirk and reached for her bottle of beer.

He took the bottle from Ashley's hand. “All right, that's enough for you tonight.”

Ashley snatched it right back. “Not even close, Alenko. I could drink you under the table if I wanted to.”

Shepard stood from her chair. “Drink anyone under the table all you want, Ash. You have 36 hours to sober up.”

“Where are you going, Skipper? We're supposed to get drunk tonight.”

“I have a date with my gun tomorrow, so I'll be going.”

“Shooting range, Commander?” asked Kaidan.

“Oh, yeah...” A smile slowly spread across Shepard's face.

“I love shooting things and all,” said Ashley, “but we're on shore leave here, Shepard. Even _I_ don't want to touch a gun in these two days.”

“I have a record to beat, Williams. One currently holds by someone named Vakarian.”

“Garrus? Well, no offense but good luck, Skipper. I've seen that man snipes and he is good.”

“Have some faith, Ash,” said Kaidan. “I say our commander will beat his record.”

Shepard nodded gratefully at him. “Thank you for your support, Kaidan.”

“You're on, Alenko,” said Ashley. “Two hundred credits say Garrus will keep his record.”

Kaidan nodded. “Bring it on, Williams.”

Ashley turned to the pilot. “What about you, Joker? You want in?”

“Sure. I have to go with Kaidan on this one,” said Joker. “Let me tell you something, Ash: You don't bet against Shepard. Ever.”

“Why not?” asked the chief.

“That's rule number two on the Normandy.”

“We have rules?” Shepard raised an eyebrow.

“What's rule number one?” Kaidan had to ask.

“Never, ever, point your gun at the captain of the ship.”

“Sounds about right,” said Shepard with approval. “It's bad for your health.”

Joker nodded sagely. “Just ask her enemies. Oh wait... they're all dead.”

The commander patted her pilot lightly on his shoulder. “Well, try not to get too drunk. I'll see you guys tomorrow with good news for some.”

“I'll go with you,” Kaidan offered. “It's getting too noisy here.”

It was just an excuse. He wanted to make sure she was safe, even though it was completely unnecessary since she could easily handle herself even without a gun. Yet he couldn't help but want to protect her. And to be able to spend a few more moments with her before the night ended, that was just a nice bonus.

Whether Shepard could see through it or not, he didn't know.

The commander only shrugged. “All right. Let's go.”

 

* * *

 

Location: Citadel Ward

  
  


The Ward was quieter than before, but it was far from empty. Shepard's pace was slower than usual, and Kaidan matched hers.

“It's nice to be off the ship once in a while,” Kaidan said while looking at the distant view of the Citadel.

“It is. I'm going to take the long way back. I don't want to go back just yet.” Shepard glanced over to him. “You don't have to follow me if you don't want to.”

“I could use a walk.”

Somehow she knew he would follow, perhaps even to the edge of the galaxy if she wanted him to. Shepard hid a smile. She took a turn and headed for the Presidium.

Kaidan followed without asking for her destination. “How was your meeting with Captain Anderson?”

“I gave him an update. The captain gave me a tip. Intel from the Alliance said Benezia is Noveria. We are heading to there next. ”

“Noveria?” He paused to think. “There's nothing there but research labs. It's better known as the source of many conspiracy theories.”

Shepard was impressed. “And you know this right off the top of your head? You've been there?”

“No. Just read about it on the extranet. Joker and I sometimes debate about conspiracy theories. I like to check his sources.”

She had to smile at the unique way those two chose to spend their time. “Smart man. Joker could bullshit you in his sleep if you let him.”

“Exactly.”

“Conspiracy or not, there has to be a reason why Benezia is there. And I'm going to find out.”

“Well... Off the record?”

She gave him a sideways glance, amused. “We are not even on duty, Kaidan.”

Still, his expression remained somewhat serious. “We've played it pretty close to the book so far, but we're always a long way from backup. We've got some tough calls to make. I'm just saying, try to leave yourself a way out. I've seen what cutting corners can do and I'd hate to see that happen to you, Aerin.”

She pressed a button to call for the elevator, using this moment to pause and think about what he said. “I see what you mean, I'll be careful. But what do you mean you've seen what it can do?”

“Long story.”

“Perfect timing for the elevator ride,” she said as she stepped into the elevator.

He followed her in with his eyebrows knitted ever-so slightly. She could sense his hesitation and immediately regretted prying. Just when she was about to stop him, he started with a question, “Remember I told you about Jump Zero?”

Shepard nodded.

“The records on Jump Zero are classified because the Alliance made mistakes.”

That was news to her. She arched an eyebrow but remained quiet.

“After First Contact, Conatix was set out to track element zero exposure and develop implants for human. Once we have an embassy on Citadel, Conatix could take in experts instead of taking it slow.”

“The only experts would have to be aliens.”

“Dead on. Turians actually. That's why Conatix kept it a secret. They were afraid of what people back home would think. Asking the turians for help when we just fought a war with them.”

“But the asaris would have been more acceptable than the turians.”

“Yes, but the company didn't go through the Citadel. It would've made Earth look weak, so they discreetly hired some turian mercenaries. They brought in an ex-military turian named Commander Vyrnus. When introduced himself he liked to say, 'I was at the helm of the dreadnaught that killed your father.' When I told him my dad wasn't at the war, he retired to Vancouver. Vyrnus had it in for me after that.”

Shepard scowled. “What happened?”

His voice was calm as if he was telling someone else's story. “He cut corners, pushed hard. I mean, you either come out a superman or a wreck. A lot of kids snapped, a few died. The point of all of these, I guess, is that when you cut corners, it's not obvious who's paying for it.”

The elevator stopped. They stepped out and walked down the hall. Shepard turned to study his profile as he kept his gaze a few steps ahead of him, losing in his thoughts.

Her brows knitted tighter at his story. Not wanting to startle him, she asked as quietly as she could, “No one ever said a word? No one fought back?”

“...I did. Later on, anyway. Hell, by the time I got payback, I didn't even want it anymore.”

“I don't see you snapping very easily. What finally did it?”

“He hurt Rahna, broke her arm.”

And she suddenly understood. Shepard called for another elevator to the Presidium as she looked at him with concern.

They both stepped in and the door closed before he continued, “She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically. She just wanted a drink without getting her nose bleed, you know? Like an idiot, I stood up. Didn't know what I was gonna do, just... something. And Vyrnus lost it. Beat the crap out of me, kept shouting they should have bombed us back to the stone age. That's when the knife came out. A military issued talon right in my face.”

There was a pause.

“I cut loose. Full biotic kick right in the teeth. Almost as strong as I can manage now, at seventeen, that was something.”

“You wanted to help a girl you cared for, that's a noble thing.”

“Maybe my intentions were noble, but I... I lost control.” He hesitated to continue. She could sense the struggle under his calm exterior. He then faced her and looked straight into her eyes. “I killed him, Aerin. Snapped his neck.”

Shepard didn't blink or move.

He turned away and continued, “They probably could have saved him if they got him to an infirmary quick enough. But they didn't. Cause some stir when they shipped him home, BAaT trainings were shut down, Conatix folded a couple years later.” He suddenly let out a faint chuckle. “It's funny. I'm not sure which of us got the worst of what happened.”

“That was your first kill?” she asked quietly.

He nodded.

First kill tended to stay with you for the rest of your life, she knew. “It was an accident. And if you ask me, he had it coming.”

“I'm not so sure...”

“Using your power to help the person you care for is a good thing. Come on, you know that.”

He studied her for a second, perhaps to think about what she had just said. “You know, I never used my full power after that for many years, not on live targets anyway. But after Eden Prime, I stopped holding back.”

”I'm glad you don't hold back anymore. You've saved my ass so many times I've lost count.”

That brought a smile back on his face, for that, she was glad.

“Was Rahna all right?” she asked softly.

He seemed surprised by her question. “Rahna? Yeah... yeah, she was fine. We never really er... We stopped talking after that.”

She scowled, feeling a pit of fire burning inside because of the injustice. “What? You almost got killed because of her!”

“Rahna had a gentle heart. She loved everyone. Vyrnus terrified her. We all protected her from him. I mean everyone... everyone who loved her. But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me too.”

“Terrified? That's ridiculous!” Shepard scoffed. “What's there to be terrified when you used your power to save her? I've seen you in action; I know what you can do. That level of power is--” she had to stop herself before the word 'hot' flew out.

“'Fascinating'?” he prompted, quoting her from their conversation at that nightclub just now.

Shepard was not about to correct him. At least he didn't use the full quote 'fascinating and sexy.' “Yes. If I were Rahna and someone I liked saved me the way you did, I swear I would have kissed him so fast and hard he wouldn't have seen me coming.”

He raised an eyebrow at her, then shook his head with a tiny smirk. Whatever he wanted to say was interrupted when the elevator stopped. They continued down the hall way mechanically, not caring about their destination.

“And you're okay with her walking away like that?” she asked indignantly.

He shrugged. “There's nothing else I could do.”

“You stood up for the girl you loved and she walked away from you. That had to hurt like hell, especially for a teenage kid,” Shepard commented.

Silence was his answer.

Pieces of puzzle started to fall into place and they quickly formed in a clear picture inside her head. “Ah... So that's why you're so self-controlled.”

“I'm not more disciplined than any other biotics, Aerin. Anyway, this is all ancient history. I'm over it.”

Ignoring his claim, she turned to face him with a clarity she had never have until now. “You agonize doing the right thing and never let yourself lose control because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnus died,” she announced conclusively, rather pleased with herself for figuring out that complexity hidden underneath his well-guarded exterior.

He gave her a look, wanting to retort. “That's...”

Shepard arched an eyebrow to challenge him silently.

In the end, he shook his head and conceded, “Okay, all right. Maybe you have a point. Maybe.”

Shepard stopped in front of the lake in the Presidium and leaned against the fence. Kaidan, as always, was right by her side. She shot him a skeptical glance. “Don't bullshit me, Kaidan, are you all right?”

“I'm thirty two, Aerin. You don't serve for as long as I have without coming to terms with yourself.”

She nodded understandingly.

There was a pause before he continued, “You also learn that if someone is special to you, you help them, try to keep them from making mistakes.”

It would be a lie to say that didn't melt her heart just a little. A smile surfaced before she could hold it back. “'Special' huh?”

He looked straight at her. “If I'm out of line, just say the word.”

She took a subtle deep breath and set her gaze at the shimmering water surface. “You're not out of line, Kaidan,” she answered softly. “But there are regs.”

“I get you, Aerin. I don't make a habit of complicating the chain of command.”

“Neither do I,” she mumbled with a hint of regret.

Things would have been different if they weren't with the fleet, wouldn't it? That accidental conclusion she had arrived when she had been injured in Med Bay had turned out to be one of the most clear revelations: He was perfect. Both inside and out.

If only...

“I'm okay,” said Kaidan, answering her earlier concern. “You don't have to worry about me. Fully functional human being. I won't be a burden on you, on the crew.”

“There you go again...” Shepard shook her head with an exasperated sigh. “Stop hiding behind your professionalism.”

The look on his face was priceless.

“Don't look so shock. Think I didn't notice? I let you slide before, but not anymore. Like it or not, Alenko, I'm not just your CO, I'm also your friend.”

“You are... A good one.”

“So let this good friend tell you something: You are never a burden and you will never be one. You are one hell of a soldier and the nicest person I've met in the fleet. Remember I told you that you're the perfect man?”

That made him crack a smile in embarrassment. “How could I forget?”

“Well, you still are. That incident is a flaw in your past, but it makes you who you are. It makes you human. Talking about it doesn't make you less perfect. It takes a strong person to acknowledge their mistake, and an even stronger person to overcome it.”

“All right. I get it. But it's embarrassing you have to tell me that.”

Shepard chuckled. “You are too stubborn to see the light. But lucky for you, I'm not afraid to knock some sense into your thick skull.”

There was a peculiar expression on his face when he studied her. “Yeah... I know I'm lucky. Thanks for being here...”

_No, thank_ you _for being here with me,_ she wanted to say. But instead, she elbowed his arm lightly with more than a hint of smirk. “You wind up tighter than a clock, Kaidan. You need to loosen up.”

“I know, you told me more than a few times.” He took a deep breath and nodded to himself. “You know what? You're right. I might have to loosen up. A little. I'll try.”

She grinned happily at him, pleased that she had finally made a progress in cracking his shell. “Good. Glad I don't have pull rank and order you to loosen up.”

“I wouldn't mind if you did.” He paused, trying to fight back a little grin. “I er... kinda like it when you're bossy.”

Shepard couldn't hold back her laughter. “Well... thanks. You're the first one who said that. I knew there were something special about you.”

“'Special' huh?”

Damn that slip up. Shepard blamed it on the wine. She tried to keep a straight face but couldn't. “Can it, Lieutenant,” she ordered jokingly as she looked over the peaceful lake.

He chuckled. “Aye, aye, Commander.”

For a moment, there was only comfortable silence between them and a smile she couldn't get rid of. Strangely, even with the never-ending chaos around her, she felt happy and peaceful. And she already knew why. The reason was standing right there beside her.

If only she could freeze this moment forever.

“Thanks for trusting me enough to share the story,” she broke the silence quietly.

His faint warm smile was his only answer. That was enough to confirm her suspicion that it was a story he had hardly told anyone else.

“To be fair, I will tell you a secret of mine in return.”

“Oh?”

“It's not on my personnel file even if you have top clearance.” She paused to add drama. “I love hot chocolate.”

“Hot chocolate?” He almost laughed.

“Shh! It's classified!” She hushed him in jest. “I know, I don't look that type. But I love it. My mom used to make me some whenever I felt sick or got hurt from my er... 'adventures'. Not the fancy stuff, but just whatever she could find on the ship or the station we lived in. My dad even added marshmallows in it when it's his turn to watch me while mom's on duty. I didn't think much of it when I was a kid, but now I have to wonder where he got the marshmallows from. Must have cost him a lot to have it sent to us from Earth...” Shepard smiled at her memories.

“Anything to make his little girl smile. He must be a good father.”

“He was. He passed away a few years back after I got that Star of Terra. He said the day of the ceremony was the one of the proudest days in his life. I gave him the medal to display it in his office, but mom--” She stopped all of a sudden and gave him a mischievous smirk. “Well, that's another classified story.”

“Hey, you can't leave me hanging like this.”

“Oh yes, I can.” She resisted that slightly hurt puppy look of his and arched an eyebrow at him. “You now have the one of the most classified information, Mr. Alenko, only two other living beings in this galaxy share this knowledge. It's something even the Shadow Broker doesn't know. If you want more, I'm afraid we have to trade.”

“Trade? You don't mean...”

“Yes. Your childhood story or an embarrassing story for one of mine.”

He laughed. She was glad to see him loosen up even if she had to use herself as a bait. Although, truth be told, she didn't mind sharing details of her life with him at all.

“What makes you think I have embarrassing stories to tell?” he asked.

She didn't bother to answer, but merely crossed her arms then tilted her head to look at him with an eyebrow raised.

He shook his head with a wide smile. “All right, Aerin, you win. I have more than a few.”

She liked the sound of her name coming from his voice; it was something she never noticed until now. “We will have plenty of time to trade stories when we're stuck on the Normandy. For now...”

“...What?”

There was something about his voice that tickled her even more so than usual tonight. Still, she tried not to give it a second thought as she maintained her poker face and looked straight into his eyes with a hint of smile. “You know what I want right now?”

For some reasons, he only looked at her wordlessly without a guess.

She could have sworn he looked like he wanted to kiss her. And she suddenly realized she wouldn't mind if he did. Was it her imagination or did his lips actually look quite soft? She idly wondered what they felt like to touch.

Shepard promptly deleted that particular thought from her mind before it could go further.

“I want to...” she said, leaning closer and lowering her voice, “...have a cup of hot chocolate.”

That broke him out of his trance. “Now?”

“Now,” she said firmly then added with a smile, “You are welcome to join me.”

“I'd love to.”

“Good. You know my secret already, so I don't have to hide my cup of chocolate and pretend it's coffee. It's... refreshing to say the least.”

“So I'm not the only one who hides behind professionalism.”

Shepard could only stare at him. Did he just turn the tables on her?

There was a soft look in his eyes she couldn't quite describe, but she found herself unable to look away. “You don't have to hide anymore, Aerin. At least not in front of me.”

A sweet smile spread across her face before she knew it, but this time, she didn't bother to suppress it. She liked that idea.

She liked it quite a lot.

 


	19. Fly Me to the Moon

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 18: Fly Me to the Moon

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel

  
  


She was close. The only thing that separated them was a small table with a cup of coffee and a cup of hot chocolate on it. Both still half-full but long forgotten. Everything around him seemed to have faded away in the background when the person sitting across from him had captivated his undivided attention.

“Just where did you learn so much about wine?” Shepard asked, leaning forth with her elbows on the table. “You seem more like the beer type.”

Kaidan could easily reach out to brush those loose strands of her hair off her face. He wanted to, but he refrained. “You're right, I prefer beer. But I like wine too. Guess I have to. It's my family's business.”

Those blue eyes widened. “Your family makes wine?”

“They have a winery in B.C. inland, outside Vancouver. I grew up visiting there quite often. You learn a lot more about wine when you get to see how it's made instead of just drinking it. Sugar level in the grapes, fermentation, temperature control... Every step is important.”

She listened intently.

He didn't mind sharing his past with her, whether it was the good or the bad, the embarrassing ones or even the heart-breaking ones. In fact, he wanted to. He wanted to let her know everything about him, to invite her into his life. Not just his professional life she was already involved with, but his personal one.

He continued, “My uncle made me recite the differences between shiraz, merlot, and pinot noir every time I saw him when I was a kid, long before I had my first sip. And, when I was older, I got to sample the products. He had me identify which was which in a blind test when I was twelve.”

“Twelve? Wouldn't you get drunk before you could even get to pinot noir?”

“I didn't exactly drink it. Just a sip, enough to taste it, then I had to spit it out. My uncle made sure I did,” Kaidan explained, smiling at the memories. “But the first time I got drunk, I was only ten.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “You're kidding.”

“Did I tell you I wasn't the smartest kid?”

“What happened? Did you accidentally fall inside a barrel and decided to drink you way out?”

“Not really. Although that would make a pretty good story.” He chuckled. “Anyway, there was one summer – it was particularly hot that day, well, hot for B.C. – I was running around the orchid with my cousin. We got tired and thirsty, so we went back to the main building. There were no visitors scheduled for wine-tasting that day. The lobby was empty, but there were a few glasses of wine on the counter. My cousin grabbed one and tried it, then told me it's just grape juice not wine. So I took a sip. It was the sweetest, most delicious juice I'd ever had. I finished that glass and grabbed another one before he could drink them all.”

“Oh no... don't tell me...”

He nodded, grinning. “Yeah. Turns out, they were trying out new product that year. They were making this new line, one of the sweetest tasting wine out there, specifically targeted at those customers who didn't like that bold taste of wine yet still wanted to drink.”

Shepard laughed. “Did you get in trouble?”

“Dad wasn't happy, that's for sure. But my uncle told him if the kids could drink it like juice, then their product was a success. He was right. They sold quite a lot of that sweet wine for a few years. Until customers complained about getting drunk by drinking too much unintentionally. They discontinued that line and focused on making traditional ones.”

“You'd think the customers wouldn't mind getting drunk.”

“Maybe they have too many drunken kids at home thinking it was the best juice they'd had.”

“You know, I've never been to a winery. What's it like?”

Kaidan had to remind himself she had spent most of her childhood either in military stations or ships. What he had taken for granted was something new to her. “It's absolutely beautiful throughout the year. Rolls of grapevines in perfect straight lines. Green in spring and summer, shades of yellow and orange in fall. Comes winter everything covers with white snow. There are trees surrounding the winery. Mostly apples, I think.”

There was a faraway look in her eyes he had never seen before, it was as if she was dreaming of the place as he was describing it. If he didn't know her, he would never have guessed the woman sitting across from him was the famous hardened soldier almost everyone on Earth had heard of.

“Sounds like those old classic oil paintings in the museum.”

“It's a very nice place to visit, but it gets boring if you have to live there.”

“Maybe I should schedule my next shore leave to visit your winery.”

“Sure, I'll take you there,” he blurted out. It was too late when he realized what that meant.

But the idea of them taking a shore leave together seemed to amuse her more than anything. The corners of her lips curled up. “Good. You can use your biotics to help me carry those boxes of wine I'm planning to take home with me as souvenirs.”

Kaidan couldn't help but grin at that mental image. “You can drink all you want while you're there. It's on the house.”

“Only if you'll drink with me.” She studied him with a smirk. “I want to see you get drunk.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Me? Why?”

“You are too self-controlled. I want to see you let loose. Say whatever you want to say without filtering, or do something crazy that you might regret when you're sober.”

He shook his head with a chuckle. “You mean you want to see me make a fool out of myself.”

“Even if you're a fool, you're a cute one.”

“I, er... thank you, I guess.” He reached for his coffee and hid a smile behind the cup. He couldn't quite explain that feeling he had when he was around her. Everything seemed to be better and brighter. Even the coffee tasted sweeter.

Shepard gave him a faint smirk. “Come on, even Ash's sister thought so. And she's only seen you on the vid.”

“Don't remind me.” He put down his cup with a fake grimace.

“What happens to your biotics when you get drunk?”

“Well... I glow blue when I'm drunk.”

“Seriously?” Shepard's eyes lit up.

He shrugged as if it's the most trivia thing. “Yeah. When I'm drunk or when I... er... lose control, that biotic glow will show.”

“Now I _have_ to see you drunk.”

“I don't have to be drunk to glow, you know?” For her, he didn't mind putting on a little display, if it was to bring a smile on that lovely face. He flexed his fingers on one hand. And just like that, that biotic glow started to flare from his fingers to his hand and up to his elbow.

“Don't move.” Shepard reached out and brushed her fingers against the back of his hand. A smile grew as she watched her fingertips interacted with his biotic glow. “This is amazing.”

He studied her with a warm smile. “Come on, you've worked with biotics before.”

“I have. Not so closely. I've worked with them on missions, but never have a chance to hang out with them off-duty.”

“Human biotics tend to stick together as a group. We're different, freaks even.” He reined in his power. Blue glow subsided. Her hand dropped and rested on the back of his. Neither of them moved.

Blue eyes stared right into his. “You are never a freak to me, Kaidan.”

All he wanted to do was to flip his hand and held hers in his. But he wouldn't allow himself to. Perhaps she was right, he was too self-controlled. “Thanks... That's what I lo-- appreciate about you.”

That was close.

Thankfully Shepard didn't react. But that slightest curls at the corners of her lips told him she probably heard what he didn't say.

She withdrew her hand from his then asked, “Have you gotten any headaches lately?”

“No. I guess I'm used to the strain by now. But I almost had a few heart attacks though, thanks to you.”

She looked at him with a smirk. “Thought you'd be used to my stunts by now.”

“I don't think I'd ever get used to seeing you in danger and not panic.”

Her expression shifted. Her gaze softened, so did her voice. “Don't worry, Kaidan. I'm hard to kill.”

It wasn't a boast, he knew. She had skills to back up her claim. Her confidence was part of the reasons why he loved her. Yet, it was that same confidence that tended to put her in danger time and again.

As fate would have it – if there was something as 'fate' to begin with – he had fallen in love with a woman with the weight of the galaxy on her shoulders. All he could do was to watch over her, help her, and protect her with everything he had. And Kaidan had vowed to do just that, until the end of time.

* * *

 

He was close. The only thing that kept them apart was the small table between them. There were occasional glances from the other customers who recognized her, but she ignored them. Right now, there was only one person that mattered to her, and he was sitting across from her.

“I don't think I'd ever get used to seeing you in danger and not panic,” he confessed quietly.

His concern was sincere and heartfelt. She was more than touched that he cared about her, and she knew exactly why he cared so much. The feeling was mutual, she had to admit. She had come to care about him a lot more than she should. They had become good friends, and if they weren't wearing the same uniform, they could be even more.

Shepard was never one to to be in denial. How she felt about him, that was plain as day. Once it had been dug up by his simple question, she couldn't bury it back. But acting on it, though, that was a whole different matter.

Still, for now, she had a job to finish, one which failure was not an option. She was well-aware of the risk. Unfortunately, so was he.

His hand rested on the table next to hers. Shepard wanted to reach for it, but she refrained.

“Don't worry, Kaidan. I'm hard to kill.” It was all she could tell him, all she could promise.

There was a resigned smile along with a shake of his head. He expected her to say that, she could tell. That man could read her like a book. To be in such a vulnerable position should terrify her, but it did not. For once, she was completely comfortable with that. In fact, she wanted him to know her, all about her.

As ridiculous as it sounded, she knew in her heart that he would never hurt her. Even if he knew her greatest weakness, he would never use it against her, but only to guard her weak side and protect her with his life. Such was the faith she had in him. It was a part of the reasons why she loved him.

“Besides,” she continued with a hint of smile, knowing exactly what to say to ease his mind, “I have you with me.”

That faint knot between his brows disappeared.

“I'm not going to die anytime soon. I have a million things on my to-do list,” Shepard deliberately switched to a more pleasant subject, “You still have to take me to your winery. When was the last time you went back?”

“It's been a while. They remodeled the lobby and the wine tasting room. I think I'll make a trip there next time I'm back on Earth.”

“Homesick?”

“Me? Of course not. ...Well, okay, maybe a little... I miss Vancouver.” He paused then added with a slight grin, “And Mom's cooking.”

Shepard smiled at that. “Was she the one who taught you how to cook?”

“No, not really. I took some classes at Jump Zero, believe it or not. Young biotics who can't cook for themselves risk starving.”

“You serious?”

“Dead serious.” He nodded then eyed her curiously. “Do you like to cook?”

“Yeah, actually I do. Roommate on Arcturus taught me how to cook. He said eating cafeteria crap 24/7 was bad for morale.”

“Is there anything you're not good at?” He studied her, his gaze soft. Shepard found herself unable to look away even if she wanted to.

“Believe me, many things...” She reached for her hot chocolate and took a sip. The content had long been cooled off, the lukewarm drink was still sweet, yet somehow it wasn't as sweet as that feeling inside. “You know, if you enlisted a year earlier, we might have met on Arcturus.”

“And have my ass handed to me in training by a girl named Shepard? Ow, my ego.”

She laughed. “Come on. You can handle yourself just fine. I've seen you fight.”

Kaidan just smiled without commenting on that.

“We could have been roommates,” she continued. “You'd make a better roommate than the one I had. He wasn't exactly neat.”

“That... might not be the best idea.”

“Hm? Why not? Don't tell me you snore.”

“No! That's not what I mean. I mean... it'd be very... er, distracting.”

“I guess you're right. We'd probably talk all night long.”

He chuckled lightly. “...Something like that. Funny how things turn out. We missed each other on Arcturus by a year, yet here we are ten years later.”

“We have to thank Anderson for that.”

“Yeah, I guess... And if I didn't make up my mind and join the Alliance, I wouldn't have met you.”

“After what you've been through at Jump Zero, I'm surprised you're willing to come back to the Alliance.”

He took a deep breath and shrugged. “Took me a few years to sort things out. But I want to serve, you know? I have this power-- I mean my biotics... it's not gonna go away even if I don't use it. Might as well put it to good use and get a paycheck out of it.”

“If you didn't join the fleet, you think you'd run the winery?”

He thought for a while. “Probably not. It's not my thing. My cousin's better at running business. I like to get my hands dirty in some other ways.”

“Like tinkering with my omni-tool.”

“Exactly.” He grinned. “What about you? What would you have done if you didn't join?”

That made Shepard pause. Her mind drew a complete blank. “I... don't know. It's easier to see other options when you have a life outside the military. But for me, the Alliance is all I know.”

He nodded understandingly. “You were born into it, quite literally.”

“Right in the Med Bay of an Alliance vessel, yeah. I signed up to join on my 18th birthday. Couldn't wait to get my first uniform and my first gun.”

“Thought you had your first gun when you were five.”

Shepard laughed, pleasantly surprised that he remembered that story she had told him. “First _real_ gun. My dad taught me how to shoot when I was around ten, but I was using his guns for practice. Never had my own until I joined.”

“Wouldn't want a tiny superhero running around a space station shooting bad guys with a real gun, right? That would be too easy for her. Give her a toy gun instead.”

Shepard couldn't hold back a grin. “How did you know that?”

“I can just imagine all sorts of troubles you used to get into.” He flashed an easy smile.

“Hey, there's not much to do on a station!” she defended her younger self. “It was so boring that when I was older I would sign up for random classes taught by off-duty personnel, just to have something to do.”

“Like what?”

“Decrypting and, of course, martial arts. I signed up for every self-defense class. My favorite was ju-jitsu. The instructor was the station's security chief, and I was his best student.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

“Not all classes were useful though. There was one time I took--” She stopped, changing her mind on that particular reveal. “Well, never mind.”

“What? Poetry?”

She made a face. “Of course not!”

“Painting? Music?” he guessed again.

“No and no.”

“So what did you take? Come on, I'm not going to tell anyone.”

She tried to ignore that faint pleading look in those warm brown eyes. But she could feel her will being stripped away layer by layer by that man sitting across from her. Kaidan Alenko had become one of her weaknesses, Shepard suddenly realized, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

“Not a word to anyone else,” she eventually conceded.

“Not a word.”

“I was around... sixteen? There was one class that I had never bothered to take because of how stupid I thought it was. But I ran out of things to do. So I took it.”

He was on the edge of his seat. “What was it?”

She took a deep breath and revealed as nonchalantly as she could, “Tango.”

Quite predictably, he laughed.

Shepard gave him a glare. “Laugh it up, Alenko.”

“No, no, no...” To his credit, he managed to suppress his laughter. “I didn't mean to... Sorry, I wasn't expecting that. I mean, that's impressive. I'd pay to see you tango.”

“Not a chance,” Shepard replied firmly. “Not in my lifetime.”

He was able to hold back a grin for another second before it broke free. “Aw, come on, Aerin. I'm sure you're good at it.”

“No,” she repeated just as firmly as before. This was one request she would never grant him. “I've probably forgotten all the steps. It's been thirteen years.”

“It'll come back to you. Did you like it?”

“Not at first. I almost walked out of the first lesson, didn't want to make a fool out of myself. But then I was told... No mistakes in the tango, not like life. It's simple. That's what makes the tango so great. If you make a mistake, you get all tangled up, just tango on,” she recalled that lesson with surprising ease.

The face of her dance partner materialized inside her head for the first time in more than a decade. It was a boy about her age, his features were fuzzy in her memories. But she still remembered that particular feeling during practice, and that she had stayed in that class because of him. Things were much simpler back then.

“That was philosophical.” His voice led her back to the present.

“Yeah... And, I admit, it was fun,” she said with a nostalgic smile. “Very much so.”

“Okay. Now I really want to see you tango.”

“No,” she said once more, although it was nowhere as firm as before. “I don't think so.”

“Come on, why not?”

“First of all, no one knows about this and I'm not going to tell anyone else, which leads to the second problem: I need a partner.” She arched an eyebrow at him. “So unless you are planning to take some lessons and be my partner, you'll never get to see me tango.”

To her surprise, he called her bluff with a faint smirk, “Is that a challenge?”

Try as she might to keep a straight face, she couldn't. A grin surfaced. “Okay. You want to play? Let's play. But I'm not going to teach you.”

“Commander Shepard?” a man called out to her.

Shepard silently cursed at the intrusion and glared at whoever dared to interrupt.

A blond man approached with an ear to ear grin. “I can't believe the report on the extranet was true.”

She had met him before, a fan of hers or so he had claimed to be. She tried to recall the name. “...Conrad, right?”

“Hey! You remember me!”

“What report?” she asked with a scowl.

“Sighting of you in this cafe in the middle of the night.”

She shared a weird look with Kaidan.

“Sighting?” Shepard didn't like where this was going.

“There's this extranet site where people report sightings celebrities around the galaxy. Someone posted and said they saw you at Flux earlier. And just now, another post said you're here. I didn't believe it at first. Why would Commander Shepard need coffee at this hour? But, I just happened to pass by and peeked into the cafe, and there you are!”

Her frown grew harsher. Shepard couldn't believe what she had just heard. Being ambushed by reporters, that she could handle; it was part of her job. But this invasion of her private life? This had gone too far.

She balled up her fist, wanting to punch something or _someone_ out of frustration. But Kaidan's hand came fast to cover hers, holding it down firmly. Shepard shot him a glance, scowling. As calm as ever, he shook his head slightly, his eyes twinkled in amusement. Why he found this funny was beyond her. Yet she found his touch strangely soothing; her fist relaxed under his grip as tension on her body started to melt.

“I'm so happy to see you again, Commander,” the blond man went on, oblivious to their silent exchange. “I can't wait to tell my wife I bumped into Commander Shepard at two-thirty in the morning! Keep up the good fight.” He gave her a salute and left with a grin still plastered on his face.

Shepard turned back to Kaidan. “Did he say two-thirty in the morning?”

Kaidan checked the time. He, too, seemed surprised. “It is.”

“We've been here for more than three hours?”

“Yeah. Felt like only half an hour.”

She had to agree. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you up.”

“No, no, you didn't keep me. I... Well, I enjoy being around you.”

That made her smile. “Thanks... It was fun tonight. Thanks for keeping me company.”

“Wouldn't want to be anywhere else.”

Her smile refused to go away. “We should do this again some other time.”

“I'd love that. Too bad we're not getting another shore leave anytime soon.”

The corners of her lips flattened at the reality. “Guess not. Not until I've found Saren. But we still have around thirty two hours.”

“Don't you have to a record to break?”

“Won't take whole day. Any plans for tomorrow?”

“Joker owes me lunch. And Tali wants to check out the new model of Savant that just came out. I'm going with her... you know, to make sure she won't get mistreated.”

Shepard arched an eyebrow with a teasing smirk. “Right. And you are not interested in the latest Savant at all.”

“Not with that price tag.” He chuckled. “What about tomorrow night?”

She shrugged. “Sure.”

His grin spread. “Anywhere you want. Just tell me when and where.”

Satisfied, Shepard nodded then stood with a lazy stretch. “We should head back before they file two MIA reports on their officers.”

“They're probably so drunk they won't notice we're missing.” Kaidan led her out of the cafe with a hand gently put on the small of her back for a short moment.

She could feel the soothing warmth through her shirt and missed it almost instantly when it was gone.

“You think?” She glanced at him. “Should we take the long way back, or short?”

He met her gaze with a tiny smirk. Just like that, they reached consensus without needing a word.

“Long,” she answered it for him.

Even though the street was anything but busy, they remained close to each other, side by side. Their hands almost touched.

“So what are you planning to do with the credits you win from Ashley tomorrow?”

“Buy you dinner?”

She chuckled. “I like the sound of that.”

“Say...”

“Hm?”

There was a pause. “I... er, I'm glad you are here...”

That made her smile. She could hear the words he didn't and couldn't say. “Well, I'm glad _you_ are here.”

For a moment, peaceful silence settled comfortably between them, each trying to wipe the grin off their face.

“So what's that story about your medal in your dad's office?” he asked.

“Let's see...”

* * *

 

A/N: Didn't plan to make it this long. But those two kept talking so I kept typing. And this is a rare chance to see them in a completely relax environment and not talk about work. It's just them being normal human on their first 'sort of-maybe-not really' kind of date. Sorry if you're expecting them to break some rules on fraternization. They're not there yet.

Citadel DLC, Kaidan has a line in the party background stating his family business. Shepard's tango line is from “Scent of a Woman”.

Thanks for reading!

  
  



	20. Friendly Competition

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  


Chapter 19: Friendly Competition

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel Shooting Range

  


Shepard still remembered her very first trip to a shooting range twenty two years ago, watching her father practiced from afar. She remembered the muffled noise of gunshots through her protective ear gear, and a hint of that distinctive metallic smell in the air from the flying bullets. The same sound and smell she had gotten so used to in the past decade.

But her love affair with shooting range had not started until a few years later, on the day she had held a pistol in her hands and pulled the trigger for the first time. Not expecting the kickback from the gun, her first shot had been a terrible miss. What she had thought to be easy as an observer had turned out to be quite a challenge. But Shepard had never backed down from a challenge. She had missed her second shot, her third and forth, yet she had refused to give up. Shots after shots she had fired, until the bullet had found its way to the target.

Shepard would never forget that feeling.

She had taken the first step to fulfill her dream. Shepard always knew what she wanted, even at the age of ten. She wanted to be the one holding the gun to protect everything she loved, like those heroes in the stories she read. For the young Aerin, her 'jurisdiction' included her parents, her friends, and her precious toys. As Commander Shepard, it had grown wider, protecting humanity was her duty. And now, as a Spectre, it had spread across the galaxy.

Still, the principle remained unchanged: Hold a gun to protect everything she loved.

To excel in her job, she had to hone her skill. And so her lifelong love affair with shooting and shooting range had begun; it had only become even more passionate more as years gone by.

Shepard lowered her newly modified assault rifle and pressed a button to recall the target from the far end to examine her handiwork. She scowled at those few missed shots she had made while still getting used to the gun. Better miss on a shooting range than on a battlefield, her father had told her. The head of the target was littered with bullet holes. Overall, she was pleased with the result, and even more pleased with her newly improved gun.

Shepard walked back to the workbench with a smile of satisfaction. “Much less recoil, just like you said,” she told Garrus, who was busy working on her sniper rifle. “Excellent choice on the mod.”

“Thought you might like it,” Garrus replied without looking up from the workbench.

“Love it. Thanks.” Shepard leaned against the wall as she observed her turian friend putting her disassembled sniper rifle back together.

“Almost forgot to tell you,” said Garrus as he assembled the pieces back together, “you know you have your own little fan club at C-Sec?”

Shepard arched an eyebrow at that. “You're kidding.”

“Last night I ran into some guys I knew back at C-Sec. They heard I've joined you and asked me to get them your autograph, and then dragged me into a bar for an interrogation.”

“Interrogation?”

“I had to answer questions about you all night.”

Shepard shook her head in disbelief. “There's not much to tell. I'm boring as hell.”

“Well, I wouldn't say boring. I told them you're an exceptional soldier, but in private, you're actually quite normal.”

“Normal,” Shepard repeated with a chuckle, “I like that.'”

“But those guys wouldn't believe me. They kept asking me questions I couldn't answer.”

Now she was curious. “What did they ask you?”

“Your birthday, your hobbies, your favorite food, and if you're available. Things like that.”

“April 11th, long walk on the beach and writing poetry, salarian liver – grilled, medium rare, and none of their business.”

Garrus looked up from the workbench. “Poetry? Really?”

Shepard smirked at him. “What? I'm not classy enough for poetry?”

Garrus shook his head and turned his attention back to the rifle. “If you're going to lie, start with something closer to home.”

“So writing poetry is too much for a lie, but eating salarian liver is not?”

“Coming from you? Yes.”

That made her laugh. “That means you know me.”

“While I'm not sure if I have you figured out yet, I know you'll love this.” He inserted the final piece with a snap then examined his handiwork before handing the newly modified sniper rifle to her.

The gun felt lighter in her hands. A grin spread on her face as she held it up to peek through the new scope. “You do know me, Garrus.”

“Give it a try.”

With a lighter frame, a steady aim, and less recoil, the first two bullets easily found their marks. Shepard smiled at the result. “Thanks, Garrus.”

“Any time,” said Garrus from the lane next to her, loading his own sniper rifle. “Let's see what you've got.”

“All right.” Shepard reloaded her gun. “Ready to get your ass handed to you?”

“Sniping is my department, Shepard.”

“I'm going to take that crown right off your head today, Vakarian.”

“You're welcome to try.”

And so the friendly competition began. For a short while, they both focused on their targets. Side by side, their bullets landed on right on their respective targets. One bulls eye after another. Neither had an edge over the other.

“Why did you want to be a C-Sec officer at the first place?” she asked as she reloaded.

“Hm... That's a good question. There are several reasons, I guess,” he answered after pulling his trigger.

“Like what?”

“Probably the same as most officers. I wanted to fight injustice, wanted to help people. I guess my father had something to do with it too. He was C-Sec, one of the best. I grew up hearing his accomplishments, seeing his pictures on the vids after a big arrest. He's taking my resignation pretty hard.”

“That's tough,” she said then fired a shot that hit right in between the eyes. “But you'd think he'd be impressed you're going after Saren.”

“My father's a C-Sec man to the bone. Do things right or don't do them at all, he says. He thinks I'm being too rash, too impatient. He's worried that I'd become just like Saren. He actually talked me out of being a Spectre when I was younger for the same reasons.”

“You were asked to be a Spectre?” Now that was a surprise.

“Well, I was targeted as a possible Spectre candidate. Me and a thousand other turian military recruits.” A shot was fired. “I could have received special training but my father didn't like it. He despises Spectre. He hates the idea that someone having unlimited power with no accountability. He wouldn't like you, Shepard. No offense.”

“None taken. I can understand his concern.”

“You can?”

Shepard aimed and shot before she answered, “Spectres have a lot of powers in their hands – our hands. There's a saying on Earth, 'with great power comes great responsibility'. It's up to each of us to have enough discipline – or decency -- not to abuse our powers. Your father is right to be concerned. Power can be useful but it can also corrupt. Look at Saren.”

“But not all Spectres are like Saren.”

“Of course not. Just like not all turians are like Saren, not all humans are like Udina. We are individuals, each of us. Your father is not completely wrong about the potential danger of having no accountability with unlimited power. It's a risk we have to take to allow Spectres to do their job.” Shepard pulled the trigger then continued, “I'm pretty sure I won't turn out like Saren.”

“Maybe you should learn to bend the rules a little more than what you're used to. You'd need that to go after Saren.” Another shot was fired.

“What do you mean?”

“You know Saren is not going to play by all rules. C-Sec rules, or Alliance. If you want to nail someone like Saren, you'll need to send someone who isn't restricted by policies and procedures.”

“And the Council sent me.” She fired. “Just because I can bend the rules doesn't mean I should. But I will if it's absolutely needed. The stake is too high; Saren needs to be stopped. If it means bending a few rules to keep everyone safe, I can live with that.”

“I'm glad we're on the same page, Shepard. I'm starting to wonder if we'd ever catch up on him. He's always one step ahead of us and he's got those damn Geth.” His bullet once again landed right on target.

“We're getting close, Garrus. We'll find him.”

“I wish I had your confidence. I just can't stand the thought of him getting away with everything he's done. I know you're doing everything you can. And if anyone can catch him, it's you, but... If there's anything you want me to do, anything, just tell me what you want me to do and I'll do it.”

“I understand your concern, Garrus. But we will find him. Just make sure your sniper rifle is ready.” Hers was ready. Another bulls eye.

“You bet it will, Shepard, you can count on me. Thanks for hearing me out. Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Are you worried that the Council might be protecting Saren? I mean they were really dragging their heels before. But what if we find him, bring him back to the Citadel, and they refuse to act?”

“I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind once or twice,” Shepard admitted while she reloaded.

“Well... maybe we shouldn't give him a chance. In my opinion, Saren's too dangerous to be kept alive. Too much could happen. He might escape, or the Council could let him go. If we find him – when we find him, I say we stop him permanently.”

She recalled the same advice from Anderson. “If Saren won't listen to reason, if he forces my hand, I'll kill him in a heartbeat. But only if it's absolutely necessary.”

“But what's the point of keeping him alive? It just gives him an opportunity to escape, or convince the Council to listen to him. And what about the Geth? They might try to free him.”

“Think about it,” Shepard explained calmly, “we know more about Saren's plan than anyone. But what do we really know? Almost nothing. If we just killed him, we'd lose the chance to find out.”

There was a pause. “Yeah, I see your point. But do you really think there's more to know, other than the fact that he's a raving lunatic?”

“Maybe, maybe not. But it's not a chance I'm willing to take. If he's not a raving lunatic and we killed him before finding out what his plan was, someone out there might pick up where he left off and we'd have another Saren in our hands.”

“Just remember, Shepard, if Saren is a raving lunatic and won't listen, let me have the kill shot.”

“Only if it's absolutely necessary,” she repeated. Shepard pulled her trigger and hit the head of the target then glanced up at the score board. “I think I just beat your record.”

Garrus steadied his aim and fired his last shot. “Ha! So did I. We have a tie here.”

“I could live with that.”

“We need a tie-breaker. Next time, we try moving targets.”

“What do you have in mind?”

“I've always wanted to try shooting bottles at the top of the Presidium.”

Shepard grinned. “Sound fun. Let's do that next time.”

 

* * *

 

Location: Citadel Ward

 

The bar was almost full when Kaidan arrived. Among the crowd, he could easily find Shepard. It was not because the commander stood out in particular, but because of her companions. As racially and culturally diverted as Citadel was, the sight of a krogan and a turian having a friendly drink with each other was still quite rare. It only took Kaidan less than a few second to find that odd pair, and with them was the commander. Sitting next to Wrex and Garrus, without her armor, Shepard almost looked petite, even delicate. But looks were often deceiving, and in this case, it certainly was.

Kaidan could hear Wrex's voice before he was even close to their table. “He kept me around until he died,” said Wrex. “Natural causes. Easiest job I've ever had. A little boring, but credits are credits.”

“We're not being paid here, Wrex. You do know that, right?” asked Garrus.

“Yeah, but when's the last time you get to save the galaxy from a certain destruction? I've lived hundreds of years and this is the first time I get to do something like this.”

Shepard spotted him as he reached their table. “You are late,” she stated with an eyebrow raised and a hint of smirk. “I was starting to think you might ditch me tonight.”

_Never_ , Kaidan wanted to say, but instead he waved at the other two men and sat down next to Shepard. “Sorry. I went back to the Normandy and checked on the mako.”

She gave him a look. “I told you to relax and enjoy your shore leave.”

He shrugged. “I was near the dock, thought I should stop by to check on the progress.”

“How is it?” she asked.

“The maintenance crew brought all the parts to fix it. It's done.”

“Good.” Shepard nodded then asked him, “What would you like?”

“Try the ryncol, Kaidan, it's not bad,” Wrex suggested.

“You trying to kill him, Wrex?” asked Shepard with a tiny smirk. “Over my dead body.”

Kaidan had to smile at that. “Beer is fine.”

Shepard ordered another round.

“You know, Shepard,” said Garrus, “try to be gentle with the mako next time. We can't come back to the Citadel every time it gets blown up.”

“Almost got blown up. It didn't,” Shepard corrected him immediately. “And it's the thresher maw's fault.”

“I seem to remember you weaving around the thresher maw,” Garrus reminded her, “ordering me to fire at will, instead of pulling the mako back at a safer distance.”

“I was trying to get closer for you to get a better shot,” Shepard defended her strategy as she reached for her drink. A shot of whiskey, Kaidan noticed. “Anyway, none of us was hurt.”

“Except for the poor mako. Ouch.” Garrus smirked at her.

“It was a close call,” said Kaidan.

Garrus nodded. “My point exactly.”

Shepard took a sip of her whiskey then announced nonchalantly, “Maybe next time I should get out and fight on foot to save that poor mako.”

“I'm with you, Shepard!” Wrex seemed to be more than delighted by the commander's idea.

Kaidan, on the other hand, didn't share his enthusiasm. His eyes widened in mild horror.

A smile surfaced on her face as she glanced at him. “Relax, Kaidan. I was kidding. I'm not that crazy.”

“I like you more when you're crazy,” Wrex chimed in then drained his shot. “I once killed a thresher maw on foot during my rite of passage. No krogan has done it ever since.”

“Too bad we don't have rite of passage,” said Shepard. “If we had, maybe I'd give it a try.”

“Lucky for us, we don't,” Kaidan commented dryly.

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. “What? You don't think I could kill one?”

“No offense, but... have you seen the size of that thing?”

“Yes, I have. We killed one.”

“Inside a mako,” he reminded her, “with its 155mm mass accelerator cannon _and_ coaxial-mounted machine gun.”

Garrus added with a nod, “Both of them I have calibrated and increased their output by near five percent.”

“Thank you, Garrus,” said Kaidan.

Shepard glanced at him, then to Garrus, then back to him. Her eyes narrowed ever-so slightly. “You two don't think I could kill one on foot...”

Kaidan shared a look with Garrus before he responded with care, “Well, Aerin, I'm just saying no one--”

“One day, I'll kill one,” Shepard vowed with her shot glass in her hand. “And when I do, you both owe me dinners and drinks.”

“You show them, Shepard!” said Wrex with a laugh. “I'm really starting to like you.”

“You proposing marriage?” Shepard asked with a smirk.

Wrex's booming laughter earned them more than a few looks, but none of them seemed to care. “Too bad you're a human, Shepard. Don't think you can handle a krogan. But I don't blame you for trying. Who can resist this face? These scars over here,” said Wrex as he pointed at his face, “drive all the krogan women crazy.”

“Good thing you're not a krogan,” Kaidan said before taking a sip of his beer.

“I am starting to think she might be one on the inside,” said Garrus.

“You two never met our women.” Wrex waved a hand. “They just talk and talk and talk some more. Our Shepard here, she's different. She talks and shoots and shoots some more.”

“I'll take that as a compliment, Wrex.” Shepard raised her glass at the krogan.

“Speaking of shooting, who won today?” asked Kaidan.

“It's a tie,” said Garrus.

Kaidan glanced at Shepard with an eyebrow raised, amused. “Well, wasn't expecting that. Not enough sleep last night?”

“Slept better than ever, thank you for asking.” There was a flash of that same sweet smile he had seen last night slipped through her usual confident demeanor. “We both broke his old record. We'll settle the score next time by shooting bottles.”

“What's the point of shooting bottles?” asked Wrex. “Waste of bullets. Take your bet on the battlefield and see who kills more.”

Shepard shared a look with Garrus, both shrugged. “Not a bad idea,” she said. “At least we don't have to wait for the next shore leave to see who's the better shot.”

“You mean in case we don't live to see the next shore leave,” said Garrus. “Sure, why not?”

“Count me in!” said Wrex. “Let Uncle Urdnot show you how it's done.”

Shepard asked with a smirk, “Should we give you a courtesy head start for being old?”

Wrex only laughed. “Don't cry when you lose, Princess.”

Garrus turned to Kaidan. “Want to join?”

“No thanks. I still have my money on Shepard.”

Shepard leaned closer to Kaidan with a lovely smile slowly spreading. “Raise your bet for the next round. I'm taking them down.”

“If you're smart, you should put your money on me, Kaidan,” said Wrex.

“Hey, back off, you pyjak. Alenko's mine,” said Shepard, shooting a fake glare at the krogan.

Maybe it was the way she said it, or maybe it was just because it came from her, but that had to be the sexiest thing he had heard, even though it was a joke.

“What she said,” Kaidan responded, hiding a smile behind his bottle.

“Just trying to save the man some of his hard-earned credits. Why bet on the loser when you can bet on the winner?”

“Why indeed,” said Garrus. His voice dripped in sarcasm. “That's why he's not betting on you, Wrex.”

“Come on, Kaidan. Let's get out of here before Wrex tries to steal you away from me again.”

“Trust me, no one can.” His voice so low it was almost a mumble. But that sweet smile resurfaced on her face told him she heard him. But once more, it was gone in a blink of an eye as they said goodbye to their friends.

The street was packed when he exited the bar with Shepard. She remained close to him. He knew she still would even if the street was empty, like last night.

“Are you hungry?” he asked.

“Starving,” she replied. “I'm craving for steak.”

Just when he thought he couldn't love her more. “Sometimes I really wonder if you can read my mind,” he said with a smile. “Come with me, I know just the place.”

“Surprise me.” She followed him. “How's the new Savant?”

“Unbelievable.” His eyes lit up. “You can't go wrong with Serrice Council's products. That new Savant combines the best of Nexus and Logic Arrest, with additional shield enhancements. Like Nexus, Savant can run multiple attack processes simultaneously. But Nexus shield enhancements are way behind the curve. Savant shield is the best on the market, even better than Logic Arrest--” He paused when he noticed that smirk she was giving him.

“You're in love.”

His eyes widened like a kid who had his hand caught in a cookie jar. “What?”

“With Savant.” That mischievous smile was quite lovely.

_No. With you._ “Er... sorry, didn't mean to bore you with the details.”

“Go on.” Her smile grew. “I kinda like it when you talk nerdy.”

That stopped him in his tracks. First he had found out she was fascinated by his biotics, and now this? Kaidan couldn't help but wonder what would happen if he allowed his biotic glow to flare while giving her a detailed analysis of all the omni-tools on the market.

Shepard, however, continued without stopping. “You coming or not?”

He couldn't hide a grin and hurried to her side.

“Any plans after dinner?” she asked.

“No, what do you suggest?”

“Let's hit the arcade on the Strip. I want to see if you can beat me in those games.”

“Aren't you competitive...”

“Don't tell me you're afraid of a little competition.”

“Me? No.” He chuckled. “Maybe I should be nice and let you win.”

“Let me win?” Shepard arched an eyebrow at him. Blue eyes twinkled. “Oh, you are going down, Mister.”

 

* * *

 

A/N: More bonding time before the end to set the stage for what's to come. And a dash of Shenko on their 'date' #2. Thanks for reading.

Contact info: gmail - pinoko19, tumblr - pinoko-k.


	21. Love and War

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
  


Chapter 20: Love and War

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 CIC

  
  


As always, the galaxy map came to life when Shepard walked up the steps of the CIC platform. Her eyes traced from Serpent Nebula to Annos Basin then to Horse Head Nebula, their destination.

She took a detour down to the next three clusters. Arcturus Stream, where her life had taken the first turn at Arcturus Station. Petra Nebula, where her life had taken second turn at Elysium. And finally, her gaze landed on Exodus Cluster, where her life had taken yet another turn at Eden Prime, where all this mess had started. The beacon, Saren, and the Reaper.

Hidden at a dark corner in the back of her mind were lingering doubts. Doubts that she could never express to anyone or else the morale would plunge. Could she catch Saren in time before he unleashed the Reaper, or whatever his plan really was? Could she really stop the galactic destruction without backup? She was only one person with just her crew and her ship. Judging from the information she had gathered so far, Saren had his army of Geth and an asari matriarch by his side. Shepard was never a pessimist, but she was a realist. No matter how she cut it, the odds were against her.

Shepard scowled harshly and halted that dangerous train of thoughts. Self-doubt was a slippery slope, one she had to avoid, especially now.

She had made a career out of beating the odds, perhaps the trend would continue.

_One step at a time, Shepard._ She took a subtle deep breath to clear her mind.  _One step at a time._

“Commander,” a voice called for her attention.

Shepard knew who it was before she turned around. “Yes, Lieutenant?”

There he was, her welcome distraction standing at the base of the platform. “We're less than an hour from Noveria,” said Kaidan. “I've done some research and reviewed the dossier twice, still can't find Benezia's weakness. I'm starting to think maybe she doesn't have any.”

“Everybody has their weakness,” said Shepard as she came down from the platform. “But if we can't find it before we get there, then... well, we'll use the tried-and-true classic Shepard tactic.”

“What's that?”

“We talk, then shoot, and shoot some more.”

He cracked a smile. “If it works for you all these years, there's no reason to believe it won't work this time.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.” Shepard headed for the stairs to the lower level, Kaidan followed.

“Have you decided if you're going to bring Dr. T'Soni?” he asked.

She had, yet she wanted to hear his opinion. “Do you think I should?”

He nodded. “If Liara could talk to her mother, perhaps she could turn her around.”

In other words, using Benezia's potential weakness. But was she really using Liara against Benezia, or merely taking a friend to meet with her estranged mother? Those were two sides of the same coin, Shepard decided. If she could avoid unnecessary bloodshed this way, why not?

“My thoughts exactly,” said Shepard. “It'd be a waste if we had to kill her. Last I heard, dead people don't talk, matriarch or not. If Benezia could be reasoned with, she could give us some intel on Saren.”

“Or perhaps even be our ally. We sure could use some wisdom and guidance... Er, not to say that you are not wise. I mean...”

Shepard smirked at him. “Compare to a thousand-year-old matriarch? I have the wisdom of a baby. Hell, even Wrex is probably like a teenage kid to her.”

He chuckled. “She'd be sorry if she underestimated us kids. Especially this 'baby' in front of me.”

“Let her. I like it when my enemies underestimate me. That look on their face when they find out who they're dealing with before they bite the dust? Priceless. It never gets old.” A grin found its way to her face, tension drained from her muscles. She knew it was all because of him.

“You know, you're scary sometimes,” he joked.

She raised a teasing eyebrow. “That a bad thing?”

“No, it's er... well... it's good. Very good.” He coughed and swallowed whatever he wanted to say then quickly switched back on topic, “Let's hope we don't have to fight her. Off the record, I'm so not looking forward to fighting an asari matriarch.”

“Neither am I. Fighting against one of the most powerful biotics in the galaxy? It's damn intimidating,” she admitted freely in front of him. If there was one person she could be completely honest with, it's Kaidan. “But if we do have to fight, make sure Liara isn't the one who pulls the final trigger.”

“I agree,” said Kaidan. “It's bad enough watching your mom go crazy, but killing her yourself?” He shook his head. “Sorry, I can't do it.”

Shepard pondered for a second. “Tell Garrus to get ready for the kill shot if neither of us have the chance to take it. I want it to be fast and painless – relatively painless. The rest of the team will distract Benezia and focus on her guards. I'm sure she has her own entourage of asari commandos.”

“Understood. Are you going to brief Liara, or should I?”

“I'll talk to her. You go update the others. I don't want to discuss the strategy of killing her mother in front of Liara. Even if they had a fallout, she's still her mom.”

“All right.”

“Get ready for anything. I've a feeling this is not going to be easy.” Shepard let out a tired sigh. “Nothing is.”

“Hey...” He put a hand on her shoulder and looked straight into her eyes. His gentle squeeze was comforting. “You'll get this done, Aerin. I know you will.”

A smile surfaced before she knew it. “No, _we_ will get this done,” she corrected him then shot a look at the empty elevator that had been patiently waiting for him.

He turned his attention to the elevator as though he just realized it was here. “Right. Going down.” He quickly walked into it then turned back to her. “Sorry, distracted.”

Shepard hid a knowing smile. “By?”

There was that tiny smirk of his that she loved. “I wonder...” he mumbled and hit the switch.

The elevator door closed, cutting her off from her source of distraction. Shepard headed for the Med Bay lab. As expected, their Prothean expert was working on the terminal.

“Commander,” Liara stood and greeted Shepard. “Are you here to check up on me?”

“We are close to Noveria, are you ready?”

“You mean if I am ready to face Benezia.”

Shepard nodded.

“I am with you, Aerin. I want an answer from Benezia. I want to know what makes her turn her back on everything she believed in. And perhaps, if I could reason with her....”

At least they were on the same page, Shepard was glad. “We could use her help with Saren.”

Liara nodded thoughtfully. “It is what I am hoping as well. I don't want to fight her.”

“I understand. You don't have to if you're not comfortable.”

“No. Don't worry, Aerin. I will do what is right. I won't disappoint you.”

“You never disappoint me, Liara.”

“That is very kind of you.” Liara gave her a smile. “I'm glad you let me join you in your mission. It's very different than digging in remote ruins, but I like it here on your ship. Your crew is very devoted to your cause.”

“Not just my cause, everyone has their reason to fight. If we don't stop Saren, there won't be anything left.”

“Of course. But they're also devoted to you.”

“It's the command structure of the Alliance military,” Shepard explained patiently. “Or pretty much any military. Garrus told me the turians are even more devoted to their CO. Even if the order was bad, they would still carry it out.”

Liara shook her head. “Perhaps I wasn't clear. What I meant was, there's something about you that makes you very compelling.”

“Me?” Shepard was confused and she could only think of one rational explanation. “You mean my connection with the Protheans.”

“I admit that was the initial reason why I've found you so fascinating. But it's more than that. I tried to tell you before, but as you can see, I'm not very good with dealing with people without making a fool of myself. What I really wanted to say was, I find you, as a person, very intriguing.”

“Intriguing?”

“Yes,” Liara continued, “Your experience in Elysium is incredible. You were so young, yet you already possessed the charm to rally the civilians to form a resistance force. And when the defense was breached, you had skills to fight back single-handedly long enough for reinforcements to arrive. For someone to survive through that, it requires tremendous strength and willpower. Now I understand why you also survived the beacon.”

Shepard had never mentioned anything about the Skyllian Blitz. “You've been researching me?”

There was a shy smile as Liara nodded.

Shepard suppressed a sigh. “If you wanted to know about me, you could have just asked.”

“I... I'm sorry, Aerin. It's become a habit of mine. The subjects of my research usually can't answer my questions.”

“Because either they've been dead for fifty thousand years or they're inanimate objects,” Shepard answered for her, then waved a dismissive hand and gave Liara a half-smile to calm her nerves. “It's all right. Next time, just ask. Don't trust the extranet. If you dig deep enough, you'll find articles about me being the Alliance's secret prototype weapon, that I am half human half machine.”

Liara laughed a little. “I don't think a machine could be this lovely.”

Shepard blinked hard at that.

Liara took a breath. “I'm not very good at this, am I? What I've been trying to say is... I found myself attracted to you, Aerin.”

She should have seen this coming. Joker had warned her. If given a choice, Shepard would rather fight an army of Geth solo than being here to face this sudden and awkward situation. Guns and battles she was more than familiar with, but dealing with relationship issues, this was not Shepard's department.

“Although I understand there is something between you and Lieutenant Alenko.”

That was another surprise.

“How did you...?”

“The attraction between the two of you is obvious.”

Was it? And here she thought they were being subtle. She certainly hadn't noticed it herself until recently. But looking back, it had been there all along. Shepard had to wonder if who else noticed.

“Kaidan... He is...” _Perfect._

There were other words she could use to describe him, but none she could use in front of Liara without further hurting her feelings. Smart, sweet, caring, warm. That face, that smile, and the way he looked at her sometimes. There were times when Shepard caught herself staring at his profile when he wasn't looking.

But what really drew her to him was even beyond everything all those. He had this strange effect on her no one else had ever had. His occasional protectiveness never annoyed her, it only made her feel safe. His levelheadedness grounded her in this endless sea of chaos. No matter how stress she was, her mood tended to improve when he was around. Her smile came effortlessly when she was with him, especially when they were alone. In front of him, she could completely let her guard down and be herself – not the image of Commander Shepard, the perfect hardened soldier everyone expected to see, but just Aerin Shepard, the person with her own quirks and flaws.

In other words, she loved him.

“Your smile says it all, Aerin.”

That yanked her away from her reverie. Shepard snapped back to reality and put on a straight face. Liara deserved an answer, especially after her sincere confession. But for once, Shepard's wits had left her cold. All she could think of was being honest.

“Kaidan and I... I don't know what we are, yet,” she choice her words very carefully. Those big doe eyes studied her closely in somewhat confusion. The last thing Shepard wanted was giving her false hope. She had to put a stop on this misunderstanding before anyone got hurt. “But he's very special to me. I care about him. A lot.”

Oddly enough, a weight had been lifted off her shoulders by admitting her feelings out loud.

The disappointment on Liara's face was obvious. “I thought so... Thank you for being honest with me.”

“Liara, you are a good friend,” Shepard said as gently as she could.

“And I will always be your good friend, Aerin. You reached out to me as a friend, I thought there was something more but...”

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you any wrong ideas.”

“You did nothing wrong. Let's... let's just forget we had this conversation.”

Shepard couldn't agree more. “Of course.”

“Kaidan is a lucky man.”

_No, I am the lucky one._

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Med Bay

 

The Med Bay was empty when Kaidan went in to restock his medi-gel supply. His eyes landed on the closed door at the end of the room as he briefly wondered if the commander was still in there. The two-day shore leave had given everyone a much needed break, but he could tell Shepard's stress level came back at the speed of light as they approached Noveria. Those lips that used to curl up during shore leave now often pressed into a thin line, and that faint knot between her eyebrows tended to surface even more frequently than before.

Miraculously, he was still able to bring a smile to her face every now and then after they had come back to the ship. For that, he was glad.

The door to the lab opened. Shepard exited, seemingly distracted. The light in the room was dim, but he could have sworn there was a sudden pink flush on the commander's face when she noticed he was in the Med Bay.

“I updated the team,” he told her. “They know what to do.”

“Thanks...” Shepard nodded as she approached.

Kaidan was curious about her sudden change in demeanor, to say the least, but he decided to observe first. He retrieved the medi-gel from the dispenser while subtly waiting for her next move. Shepard didn't exit the Med Bay, as he would expect. Instead, she stopped only a step away from him, lost in her own thought.

“Everything all right?”

Shepard nodded again.

Kaidan didn't buy that lie for a second. “Hey, hey...” he called out softly, touching her arm to get her attention. There was a hesitation before she looked up, he noticed. “Look, if there's something wrong, whatever it is, tell me, Aerin. Maybe I can help you.”

A faint weary smile flashed across her face. “Thanks, but nothing's wrong, Kaidan.” Then came a pause, a long one. Yet Kaidan waited patiently. Shepard continued, “I'm just trying to digest some info, that's all. Give me five minutes, I'll be ready for the mission.”

He was never a nosy one, but it was Shepard and he wanted to help her, even if it was to lend her an ear. “Did something happen with Liara?” he asked quietly. That was the only logical guess he could think of.

That sudden shift in her eyes was all he needed to confirm his suspicion.

She let out a light chuckle. “You a mind-reader?”

“I wish.”

“Not here--” Shepard quickly went quiet as the door to the lab opened once again.

Liara stepped out and looked mildly surprise to see them. “I... I was just heading to the...” She paused. Her gaze landed on his hand on Shepard's arm. “I'll go get ready.”

Shepard had already composed herself by then. “Remember to stock up on the medi-gel,” she told Liara, “be ready for anything.” Shepard headed for the door, her previous momentary hesitation was all but gone.

“I'll see you in a bit, Liara.” He gave the doctor a nod before following Shepard out of the Med Bay.

She led him into her cabin and didn't speak until the door is closed. “It's not as bad as you might think.”

“Well, nothing is as bad as galactic destruction, I suppose.”

“You're right about that.” Shepard chuckled then took a breath before she blurted out, “Liara told me she's attracted to me.”

So the shy and sweet doctor finally made a move. That would explain the awkward tension in the Med Bay just now. The burning question he had in mind was: Was the feeling one-way or mutual?

Kaidan chose not to comment.

“You don't look too surprised,” Shepard observed.

He shrugged. “There's a lower deck rumor that Dr. T'Soni is interested in you as more than a source of the Prothean data.”

“Really?”

He nodded. “It's been going on for a while now.”

“...I didn't know that.”

“Guess no one dares to tell the boss.”

She scowled mildly. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“I thought you knew. Well until that night at Flux when Joker said something about you and Liara, and I saw your reaction. Look, it's not a big ship. There's always someone around the corner. And words travel. It's just some lower deck gossip.”

“I know how it works. Just never been in the center of it myself. At least not that I'm aware of.” She ran a hand through her hair. “I wish I knew. It completely blindsided me. Felt like I've been ambushed.”

To think that the fearless Commander Shepard was rattled by this personal matter, it was endearing. “You shouldn't be too surprised. There is something about you that draws people to you, Aerin.”

“Now you sound just like Liara.”

Somehow, that stung more than a little. “So... you and Liara...”

“What? No!” She almost looked hurt when she realized his underlying question. “There's nothing between us. Liara and I are just friends. Period,” she stated firmly, perhaps to herself, perhaps to him. “I have told her that already.”

That was a relief.

Shepard let out a deep sigh and made a face that looked like a wince, yet to him it was still adorable. “That has to be one of the most awkward conversations I've ever had, if not _the_ most awkward one. I'd rather fight my way out of a war zone. Solo.”

Kaidan shook his head and smiled at that. “Love is often compare to war. Like how they are both easy to begin, but very hard to stop.” He was a perfect example to that quote.

Shepard snorted. “All I know is I'm trained to deal with one but not the other.”

As tempted as he was to ask her what she had said to Liara, Kaidan refrained. It was none of his business, and frankly he was just happy with the result.

But Shepard seemed to be able to read his mind. “Aren't you curious about what happened?”

Kaidan kept his composure with practiced ease. “That's between the two of you, Aerin. I don't need to know.”

An eyebrow arched. “You sure? Even when your name was brought up?”

His composure slipped. That was not what he had expected. “I... Well, I don't have the heart to make you relive your awkward moment.”

“Thanks, that's sweet of you.” Blue eyes shone as she studied him keenly. He was certain she could see right through him. “But you're dying to know.”

He could only smile a little in embarrassment. “Wouldn't you?”

“Of course.” A smirk appeared but it was quickly erased. She hesitated for a second before she revealed quietly, “She asked if there's anything between us.”

That would be a hard question to answer. As much as he would want her to say yes, he could certainly understand if she said no. “What did tell her?” he asked just as quietly.

“The truth. I said I don't know what we are...”

That _was_ the truth. Yet Kaidan couldn't fight off a sudden wave of disappointment.

“But...” Blue eyes gazed up at him. “I told her I care about you. A lot.”

Deep down, he already knew, but hearing it from her was completely something else. His heart melted; he couldn't be happier. However, his brain decided to deliver a rude awakening by reminding him this woman was his CO and they were on a mission.

“I don't want to distract you, Aerin. We're in the middle of stopping the galaxy from destruction. The deeper we get, the bigger the problem seems. Are you sure that's what you really want?”

Kaidan knew he had made a big mistake as soon as words flew out of his mouth. He watched in horror as her soft gaze suddenly turned icy and her sincere expression shifted to a guarded one.

“Damn it, it didn't come out right,” he mumbled, frustrated with his own stupidity. “I'm sorry, Aerin, I didn't mean--”

“I always know what I want, Kaidan,” she cut him off. Her voice quiet, but there was an unmistakable edge to it. “Do you?” She stared straight into his eyes, daring him to come out of his shell, to tell her the truth.

He knew what he wanted, of course he did. What he wanted was standing right in front of him. But he couldn't – wouldn't – allow himself to act, for the sake of both of them. Too much was at stake; even if he didn't consider his career, he had to protect hers. Besides, everything would be a moot point if they couldn't stop Saren. He simply couldn't let himself to be her distraction at this critical point, no matter how much he wanted her.

Still, he couldn't lie to her. She deserved to know – no, she _needed_ to know. Or else the best thing that had ever happened to him might just slip away.

It was now or never.

“I do. I care about you, more than I have for anyone,” he admitted and noticed her expression softened almost immediately. It felt strangely liberating to say it out loud. “But I don't want to complicate the chain of command. It'd make your life even harder than it already is.”

“I know...” She nodded reluctantly.

“Believe me, I know exactly what I want,” he repeated, words came much easier this time. “But I can't act upon it. Not yet, anyway. It's tough keeping it separated from duties, but when the mission's completed, it'd be different.”

Her eyebrow raised slightly, asking him a silent question.

“How long do you think our shore leave will be after this? Think we'll have enough time to make a trip to the winery?” That thought alone brought a grin to his face.

Her brow arched up further with more than a hint of smirk. “'We'?”

“I was kinda hoping our shore leave would be joint.”

She was trying to maintain a straight face, he could tell. “Good. I don't have to track you down on your shore leave.”

His grin widened.

“I can't believe you're thinking of shore leave when we just had one.”

“Gives me something to look forward to. Something more personal to fight for.”

“Did you say winery?”

He nodded. “Or anywhere you want.”

“You just gave me an extra incentive to finish this mission asap. A shore leave would be nice.”

He had always found her gaze mesmerizing, now more than ever when she was staring at him with a lovely smile she tried but failed to hide. Those pink lips looked too temptingly soft. He would love nothing more than to pin her up against the wall and kiss her then and there, but he couldn't let himself to take that step forward. Not here, not now.

The struggle between his impulsive desire and his well-honed discipline was soon over, leaving behind more than a hint of regret. Kaidan started to hate the self-control he had relied on for so many years.

He allowed himself to reach out to brush a few errand strands of hair off her face. His fingertips touched the side of her cheek briefly. “You know, you are hard to step away from.”

She leaned closer. “That a bad thing?”

Kaidan could feel his self-control slipping. “No...” He took a deep breath to steady himself. “We'll get this done, Aerin. The sooner, the better.” That was all he could tell her under current circumstances.

“Bridge to Commander,” Joker's voice came through the comm. “Approaching Noveria. ETA twenty minutes.”

For once, Kaidan welcomed Joker's interruption which promptly halted all his wide fantasies.

“Time to suit up,” said Shepard. “Thanks for being here for me.”

Before he could say another word, Shepard took a quick step up and gave him a peck on his cheek, leaving him stunned with wide eyes.

She stepped back just as quickly and glanced at his dumbfounded reaction with a tiny smirk and a shake of her head before she headed out of her cabin. A grin slowly spread across his face as he registered what had happened. His hand went up to the cheek she had just kissed. He could still feel a leftover ticklish sensation from her lips; they were even softer than he had imagined.

With the galaxy on the verge of destruction, it almost felt wrong to feel this happy. Yet, he truly was. Kaidan had to make a conscious effort to wipe that grin off his face before he stepped out and followed her.

He was a lucky man.

* * *

 

A/N: Took them twenty chapters to reach this point. Hope it was worth the wait. I feel sorry for Liara, but this has to be done to pave the path for her in part 2.

We're 2/3 into part 1 of this story. Thanks for reading so far.

  
  


  
  


  
  



	22. Noveria

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.  
  


 

Chapter 21: Noveria

Year: 2183CE

Location: Noveria Port Hanshan

 

It was freezing. Bone-chilling cold greeted Shepard as soon as the Normandy's airlock slid open. And it only got colder after she cleared the short terminal and stepped onto the dock of Port Hanshan. Shepard's first impression of Noveria had already been soured when the person in the control tower threatened to impound her ship if her story didn't check out. Between the rude welcome and the harsh weather, Shepard couldn't wait to get the hell out of that place.

But first thing first. She had to find Benezia.

“I thought winter in Nova Scotia was cold,” said Kaidan as he walked next to her, his breath frozen in a white cloud. “It's tropical summer comparing to this.”

“Remind me not to go there then,” said Shepard.

“It's beautiful during summer though. You'd love the harbor in Halifax.”

“It depends.”

“On what?”

“If you're there to show me around.”

“Well...” He struggled to hide a smile. “That could be arranged.”

“Damn,” Garrus mumbled as soon as he stepped out of the Normandy with the rest of the team. “Turians don't like the cold, Shepard. Did I ever mention that?”

“No,” said Shepard, leading the way towards the building, “I only know you guys can't swim.”

“Yeah, that too.” Garrus took a sharp breath. “I've never seen so much ice and snow.”

“I prefer colder weather,” said Tali. “You know how hot it could get inside the environmental suit?”

“You mean you don't have air-conditioner inside?” asked Ashley with a teasing smirk. “Don't you have all sorts of programs loaded in your suit?”

“Yeah, but no air-conditioner,” Tali replied. “You have no idea how expensive it is to get one.”

“You can put an air-conditioner inside?” asked Kaidan curiously.

“Of course!”

“Great, now I'm going to spend the rest of the mission wondering how that works,” Kaidan mumbled.

Shepard turned to face him with an eyebrow arched high and a sly smirk.

“Er, scientific curiosity. Nothing more,” he clarified.

“Oh, and heater too, if you have the money,” said Tali.

“Well, I wish I had a heater inside my armor right about now,” said Ashley, sniffling. “Man, it's cold.”

“Just imagine we are on a hot tropical beach, people,” Shepard suggested, feeling every bit of the cold air cutting her cheeks. “Warm sun, hot sand, cold beer.”

“Now you're just being mean,” Garrus complained jokingly.

“Mind over matter, Garrus,” said Shepard. “Mind over matter.”

“Ha! You guys won't last a day on Tuchanka,” Wrex commented with a chuckle. “If it's not too hot for you, it's too cold.”

“Yeah, we know,” Garrus told Wrex. “There are three things that could kill you on Tuchanka: Mild temperatures, harmless diseases, and the adorable wildlife.”

Shepard noticed a welcoming committee waiting for them at the end of the dock, although judging from their stances, she had a feeling they were anything but welcoming. “We've got company,” she told her team, then marched forth and greeted the three guards. Two women, one turian.

“That's far enough,” warned one of the guards, the shorter woman in the middle. “This is an unscheduled arrival. I need your credentials.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. “You first.”

“I'm Captain Maeko Matsuo, Elanus Risk Control Services,” said the first woman.

“Aerin Shepard. Special Tactics and Reconnaissance.”

“ _You_ are that Spectre aboard the ship?” Matsuo's quick glance at Garrus told Shepard who she had thought to be the Spectre in their group. “Since when do they have human Spectre?”

This mistaken identity would have been rather amusing if she wasn't freezing. Shepard just wanted to head inside to stay warm. Her patience was running thin. “Since a few months ago. I'm the first one.”

“Great, the blizzard must have cut off all the extranet connection,” Garrus mumbled loud enough for Shepard to hear.

“I can't let you enter the port area without confirmation of your identity. We have a strict policy against carrying firearms in Port Hanshan. Please hand over your weapons,” Matsuo demanded.

Shepard scowled at this ridiculous request. “No.”

“I won't ask you again. Hand over your weapons.”

“And I won't tell you again. No,” she repeated firmly.

“Sergeant Stirling, secure their weapons,” Matsuo ordered.

“Nobody takes my weapon.” Shepard glared at the sergeant. Her voice was colder than the blizzard.

The guards immediately reached for their guns. But Shepard was faster. Assault rifle was in her hands in the blink of an eye. She didn't have to look back to know the rest of her team were also armed. Next to her, Kaidan was glowing in blue with his gun aimed at the woman in charged.

“And here I thought this would be a boring mission,” said Wrex.

“Put down your weapons,” Shepard warned. “Now.”

“We are authorized to use lethal force,” said Matsuo. “You have to the count of three to surrender your weapons. One.”

Shepard's eyes narrowed. “This is your final warning.”

“Just shoot already, Shepard!” urged Wrex.

“Two.”

“Fine. Do it the hard way. Kaidan,” Shepard whispered and aimed at the sergeant's arm, then suddenly ordered, “Now!”

Kaidan slammed the turian guard to the wall with his biotics, startling the other two women. Shepard pulled the trigger before the guards could react. But a voice through the comm stilled her finger the very last second.

“Captain Matsuo! Stand down,” a female voice ordered through the comm. “We confirmed their identity. Spectres are authorized to carry weapons here.”

Still, Shepard didn't lower her gun until the guards holstered theirs.

“You may proceed, Spectre,” said Matsuo. “I hope the rest of your visit will be less confrontational.”

Shepard's glare at the captain was more cutting than the wind. “Next time, if you are planning to shoot, don't bother counting down, because only idiots wait til three to pull their triggers. Your sergeant could have lost an arm or two today.”

“We're the law here,” warned the sergeant. “Show some respect.”

Shepard gave her the once-over, unimpressed. “If you want me to show you some respect, earn it,” she said flatly then marched inside the building, leaving the cold weather and colder reception behind.

* * *

 

Location: Noveria Peak 15 Rift Station

 

They had been on Noveria for more than eighteen hours and still hadn't found Benezia. In between Geth, krogans, and the rachni, they already had enough trouble. And now an ambush by Benezia's commando was added to the mix. The commander's mood had darkened yet another notch, Kaidan had no doubt.

He knew Shepard's patience had long run out before they had reached Peak 15. He couldn't blame her. The hoops they had to jump through back at the port just to get a permit to leave could have easily been a week's work at C-Sec, at least that's what Garrus had told them. The investigation, the dirty cops, the final arrest of the boss by the undercover Internal Affair agent. It was beyond ridiculous, almost liked they were in a crime vid. Joker would have a field day when he heard about all these.

And all that was done only to get out of the port garage.

Kaidan stole a glance at Shepard. There was a new cut on her cheekbone, although she didn't seem to notice. With her lips pressed, her brows knitted, Shepard holstered her rifle and stepped over the body of the fallen asari commando and headed out of the room they had been trapped in.

“Tell the doctor the biotoxin cure is ready, he can come and get it,” Shepard told one of the scientists.

Still trying to help however she could. That was one of many reasons why he loved her.

Kaidan walked up to Shepard. “Commander. According to the map I downloaded, we can head to the lab through that maintenance door.” He pointed at the door at the far side.

Shepard nodded. “Let's go.”

“Wait,” he stopped her. “I should patch you up first.”

“What?”

Just as he had suspected, she didn't know about the cut. Adrenaline. “Your face.” He reached out to push her hair aside to get a better look at the wound. “The cut isn't deep.”

“It doesn't hurt,” Shepard claimed.

He gently prodded the fresh pink bruise around the cut.

Shepard winced. “Guess that asari commando hit me harder than I thought.”

He shook his head at her. “Let me clean it and stop the bleeding.”

“Don't bother. Patch me up once this is all over. There will be more scrapes and bruises waiting around the corner if diplomacy fails.”

He knew she was right.

“Come on.” Shepard headed for the maintenance door. “Let's get this over with.”

Kaidan followed closely behind. The door led to a cave. Without the insulation of the walls, chill from the icy stone seeped through his armor into his bones. It was quiet, too quiet. Their footsteps echoed through the cave. The exit was within sight, Benezia was near. Kaidan's grip on his gun tightened.

A giant rachni suddenly dropped down from the ceiling. Before it could take its first step towards them, Kaidan immediately unleashed his biotics and lifted the creature up, while Shepard unloaded her bullets into it. The creature soon dropped dead on the ground. Was this the twentieth rachni they had killed so far, or the thirtieth? He had lost count. They had developed an effective system to deal with those pesky enemies: He lifted, she shot. It worked perfectly.

“We're almost there,” Kaidan confirmed after checking with his omni-tool. “Through that door, down the hallway.”

Shepard glanced at the door with a frown. However, her expression softened as soon as she looked back to check on Liara. Kaidan knew what was on her mind, he didn't need to ask. They had been worried about Liara, not that they thought she would betray them, but the doctor had been quiet ever since they had landed, too quiet even for her. Kaidan couldn't even begin to guess what went on inside Liara's mind right now.

When Shepard turned her attention back to him, her gaze steeled with determination. “Ready?” she asked.

He nodded.

“Stick to the plan,” the commander told her team. “You all know what to do. Let's do this.”  
  


* * *

 

Location: Noveria Lab

 

“Hold the fire!” Shepard ordered as soon as Benezia fell to her knees.

Shepard lowered her rifle, knowing there were at least five guns targeting at Benezia at this very moment. With her commandos all dead, Geth destroyed, and her own biotic shield down, Benezia was a sitting duck. All Shepard needed to do was to say a word to Garrus and a bullet would be drilled between Benezia's eyes. Even a powerful matriarch couldn't survive with her brain blown to pieces.

But Shepard needed Benezia to be alive; she needed answers.

“This is not over,” Benezia panted, struggling to get back on her feet. “Saren is unstoppable. My mind is filled with his light. Everything is clear.”

“Start talking before I change my mind and order them to shoot,” said Shepard.

“I will not betray him. You will... You...” The matriarch doubled over with a scream, holding her head in her hands. When she straightened up again, her demeanor suddenly changed. Harsh gaze softened to a pleading one. “You must listen. Saren still whispers in my mind. I can fight his compulsion briefly, but the indoctrination is strong.”

_Indoctrination?_ “Why are you able to break free of his control now?” Shepard asked, skeptical.

“I sealed a part of my mind away from the indoctrination. Saving it from moments where I could help to destroy him. It would not last long.”

Benezia was indeed as wise as she was powerful. “So you could attack us again.”

“Yes, but it would not be my will, Shepard,” Benezia explained. “People are not themselves around Saren. You come to idolize him, worship him. You'd do anything for him. The key is Sovereign, his flagship. It is a dreadnought of incredible size and its power is extraordinary.”

Again, Sovereign was the key, just like Shiala had mentioned. “Sovereign is not like other ship. Where did it come from?”

“I cannot say. The Geth did not build it. Its technology is far more advanced than any known species. The longer you stay aboard, the more Saren's will seems correct. You sit at his feet and smile as his words pour into you. It is subtle at first. I thought I was strong enough to resist, but instead I became a willing tool, eager to serve.”

Was that what she meant be indoctrination? Shepard wondered.

“He sent me here to find the location of the Mu Relay. Its position was lost thousands of years ago.”

Shepard scowled. “How did something that big go missing?”

“Four thousand years ago, a star nearby went supernova. The shock wave propelled the relay out of its system but did not damage it. Its precise vector and speed are impossible to determine. As millennia passed, the nebula created by the nova enveloped the relay. It is very difficult to find an object in space, particularly something swarmed with hot dust and radiation.”

“Someone on Noveria found it?”

Benezia nodded. “Two thousand years ago, the rachni inhabited that region of our galaxy. They discovered the relay. The rachni can share memories across generations. Queens inherit the knowledge of their mothers. I took the location of the relay from the queen's mind...” Benezia shook her head and looked away. “I was not gentle.”

Asaris and their mind-melds, Shepard drew a sharp breath. “Why did Saren need the Mu Relay?”

“He believes it would lead him to the conduit. I would tell you more if I could, but Saren did not share his counsel with me. I was merely a servant to his cause.”

“Mother...” Liara stepped to her mother's side.

“You can still make it right,” said Shepard. “Give me the information.”

Benezia shook her head and faced her daughter with an expression full of regrets. “I was not myself, but I should have been stronger. I transcribed the data to an OSD. Take it, please.” She pressed the OSD to Liara's hand.

“Knowing the relay's coordinate is not enough,” said Liara. “Do you know his plan to go from there?”

“Saren wouldn't tell me his destination,” said Benezia. “But you must find out quickly. I transmitted the coordinates to him before you arrived. You have to stop... me.” The matriarch struggled and stepped away from her daughter. “I... I can't! His teeth are at my ears. Fingers on my spine. You shou-- You should--”

“Mother!” Liara rushed to Benezia before Shepard could stop her. “I-- Don't leave! Fight him!”

“You've always made me proud, Liara.” Her smile was gentle yet sad, but it was gone in the blink of an eye as a blue glow suddenly enveloped Benezia's body. “Die!” She flung her daughter away biotically towards Shepard.

Shepard caught Liara and smashed onto the wall with enough force to leave a dent on the surface. Before Shepard could get back on her feet, Benezia let out a sudden cry as her glowing blue shield exploded twice in a roll.

Two overloads were executed simultaneously, Shepard was impressed by their timing. She shot a quick glance to her team and saw the omni-tools on both Tali and Kaidan were glowing.

“Garrus, now!” Kaidan called out immediately after the explosion.

A bullet hit Benezia's chest. The matriarch stumbled back and fell onto the floor.

Liara rushed to the fallen matriarch. “Mother!”

“I cannot go on,” said Benezia. “You will have to stop him, Shepard...”

“Stay with us,” said Shepard. “We've got medi-gel. Kaidan!”

“No.” Benezia shook her head, panting. “Saren is still in my mind. I'm not entirely myself. I never will be again.”

“Mother, don't leave...” Liara held her mother in her arms, her voice started to break.

“Goodnight, Little Wing...” Benezia touched her daughter's cheek. “I will see you again with the dawn... No light... They always said there would be... ah...”

“Mother!” Liara cried, her head bowed.

“I'm sorry.” Shepard could only give her a comforting pat on her shoulder before stepping back, giving Liara much needed time and privacy to grieve.

She saw Garrus approaching with his sniper rifle in hand. “You aimed fast.”

“I had her in my crosshairs the whole time.”

“I should have known...” Shepard mumbled under her breath and gave him an affectionate soft punch on his shoulder. “Thanks, Garrus.”

“You look exhausted. Let's wrap this up and get the hell out of here.”

“Give Liara a little bit more time.”

Garrus nodded understandingly.

Shepard approached the tank and examined the rachni queen, taking a moment to collect her thoughts and digest the situation. Mu Relay...

“It's not everyday we have to fight a matriarch,” said Kaidan, stepping up next to her. “You all right?”

She nodded. “Still standing. You?”

“Yeah...” He threw a glance at Liara. “Poor girl.”

“Was it a mistake to bring her here?” she asked him quietly.

Kaidan shook his head. “She had a chance to see her mother one last time.”

Shepard turned and watched Liara gently laying her mother on the floor. “I don't know what's worse... Having a loved one die in your arms, or never get a chance to say goodbye to them?”

“Not having the chance to say goodbye.”

“You think so? I don't know... If someone I love died in my arms, I don't think I'd ever get that image out of my head.”

“That image would stay with you forever, but you'd also have the chance to tell them you love them.”

Shepard pondered. “I can see that. Give them some sort of peace, knowing they're loved before they die...” Her voice was soft and quiet. “Those three little words, so powerful yet sometimes it's so hard to say--” From the corner of her eye, she spotted a shadow approaching. She turned and saw an asari commando closing in. “Look out!” Shepard quickly pushed Kaidan away and aimed her pistol at the asari.

But something wasn't right. The commando was unarmed, stumbling her way towards them. Her previous well-trained speed and grace were gone. Her muscular coordination was completely lacking, as if some inexperienced puppeteer was controlling their puppet for the very first time.

Kaidan was glowing in blue with his gun in his hands. He, too, noticed the strange behavior. “What the hell...”

Shepard took a step closer and noticed a gunshot wound on the asari's head. “She's dead. Someone is reanimating the corpse,” she deduced.

By then her team had already gathered with their weapons drawn.

“Identify yourself!” Shepard demanded sharply.

Yet, the asari only stumbled towards the tank.

“I won't ask you again,” warned Shepard. “Who the hell are you?”

The commando stopped and turned around with the rachni queen in the tank directly behind her. “This one. Serves as our voice. We cannot sing. Not in these low spaces. Your musics are colorless.”

“Musics?” Shepard scowled in confusion. She lowered her aim from the asari's head to her chest. “What?”

“Your way of communicating is strange. Flat. It does not color the air. When we speak, one moves all.”

“This is gonna be a fun conversation,” Ashley commented with her rifle pointing at the commando.

“We are the mother. We sing for those left behind. The children you thought silenced. We are rachni.”

“Not just any rachni,” Kaidan observed. “She must be the queen in the tank.”

Shepard narrowed her eyes and lowered her gun. “How are you speaking through her?”

“Our kind sing through touchings of thought. We pluck the strings, and the other understands. She is weak to urging. She has colors we have no names for. But she is ending. Her music is bittersweet. It is beautiful,” said the queen. “You are not in the harmony with those who hoped to control us.”

“Did you order your people to kill the science team?” asked Shepard.

“No, we are locked away here. The children are beyond our songs. They have been lost to silence.”

“You mean your children killed them?”

“The children we birthed were stolen from us before they could learn to sing. They are lost to silence. End their suffering. They cannot be saved. They will only cause harm as they are.”

Shepard raised a hand to give a silent order for her team to holster their weapons. “I don't understand. Why are your children killing people?”

“These needle-man. They stole our eggs from us. They sought to turn our children into beasts of war. Claws with no songs of their own. Our elders are comfortable with silence. Children know only fear if no one sings to them. Fear has shattered their minds.”

“Makes sense,” said Kaidan. “A baby left alone in a closet until he's sixteen won't be sane.”

Shepard pondered for a second before she nodded. “If you're certain they can't be saved.”

“It is lamentable. But necessary. Do what you must,” said the queen. “Before you deal with our children, we stand before you. What will you sing? Will you release us? Are we to fade away once more?”

“Look. Those tanks? Acid,” Tali pointed out as she powered down her omni-tool after scanning the environment. “Strong enough to kill anything, no matter its biology. They wouldn't have installed that if they weren't afraid of the consequences of her getting loose.”

“Contingency plan...” Shepard mumbled.

“Commander, I don't trust this thing,” said Ashley. “We know its kind are killers. The tank is rigged with acid. I recommend using it.”

“She's right, Shepard,” said Wrex. “Set them off. Millions of my ancestors die to put these things down. Don't let them come back.”

There was a mild frown on Kaidan's face. “Commander, there's some old grudges in the galaxy. Grudges humans should stay out of. If we kill her, we kill the entire race.”

Garrus nodded. “If you kill her, you consign an entire race to death. We should let the Citadel Council decide her fate.”

“They made a mistake,” said Liara. “They let the krogan go too far. This is a chance for us to atone. She's done nothing to us.”

“Your companions hear the truth,” said the queen. “You have the power to free us, or return our people to the silence of memory.”

The fate of a species lied in her hand. Shepard stared at the control, hesitated. It should not be up to one person to decide the fate of an entire race. Yet, she had to play with the cards she was dealt with.

“If I let you live, would you attack other races again?” Shepard asked the queen.

“No. We-- I do not know what happened in the war. We only heard discordance, songs the color of oily shadows. We would seek a hidden place to teach our children harmony. If they understand, perhaps we would return.”

Shepard frowned in confusion. “Are you a survivor of war? A clone?”

“We do not know. We were only an egg, hearing Mother cry in our dreams. A tone from space hushed one voice after another. It forced the singers to resonate with its own sour yellow note. Then we awoke, in this place. The last echo of those who came out from the Singing Planet. The sky is silent.”

So this queen had not even been hatched during that Rachni War. Sins of their mothers, Shepard thought with a silent sigh.

“We can't exterminate them, Commander,” said Garrus. “Not without the Council's approval. Genocide is one of the reasons we fought the kro-- ah...”

“You want to learn about genocide, Vakarian?” asked Wrex with a sneer. “I'll take you to a krogan obstetrician's office.”

“There's a reason their kind were hunted to extinction,” Ashley pointed out. “It's better to be safe than let a dangerous race loose.”

“No!” said Liara. “Stop feeling and think! Even if you disagree with asari morals, you must see she could be an ally.”

Ashley argued back without missing a beat, “If this had happened in Tokyo, or Armstrong, or on the Citadel, the death toll would be--”

“Commander,” Kaidan called for her attention. His voice quiet among the heated debate around them, but grave. “Genocide is way beyond the scope of our mandate here.”

“Our mandate is 'whatever's necessary,'” Wrex countered. “If you don't have the guts to follow through, quit.”

“Enough!” Shepard snapped. “No... I can't do this. I won't destroy your entire race.”

Wrex growled. “Are you stupid? Your people didn't fight with these bastards, so maybe you don't get it!”

“Are we blinded by ancient history here? If we're settling ancient grudges, we might as well start killing each other right here right now!” Shepard stared down the krogan, daring him to pull out his shotgun. “Krogan versus turian and asari. Turian versus humans. Hell, why don't we throw our friendly quarian to the mix for creating those Geth?”

Wrex glared back at her but did not say a word.

No one dared to utter a sound.

“But we haven't killed each other in the past months,” Shepard continued, her fiery gaze on the krogan never faltered. “Instead, we fight together, we drink together, we're saving this goddamn galaxy together. Why? Because you didn't take over Liara's home colony. Garrus didn't order the genophage. Tali didn't create the Geth. And I didn't fight Garrus in the First Contact War. We shouldn't pay for the sins of our ancestors, neither should she!”

Still, there was nothing but icy silence. But the tension in the room began to dissipate when Shepard turned away from Wrex and walked to the control console.

“Do what you want,” said Wrex begrudgingly. “My people will clean up this mess later, just like we did for the salarians.”

“If your people could stop shooting at each other for a moment,” said Shepard. That was harsh, she knew, but she couldn't be gentle. To deal with a krogan, to gain his respect, sometimes she had to act like one.

That slightest wince in the krogan's eyes and his uncharacteristic silence told her she had hit the mark.

“You are free to go,” Shepard told the rachni queen.

“You will give us the chance to compose anew? We will remember. We will sing of your forgiveness to our children.”

“Great. Bugs are writing songs about you.” Wrex snorted, his tone was sarcastic but nowhere as harsh as before. “Mark my words. You'll regret this.”

“I might, I might not. But I am not committing genocide as a preemptive strike on an entire race because of what happened in the past.” Shepard then turned to face the queen. “You'd better keep your promise and not attack any species,” she warned before she unlocked the tank, “or I'll hunt you down wherever you're hiding and make you wish I'd killed you today.”


	23. Out of the Frying Pan

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.  
  


 

Chapter 22: Out of the Frying Pan

Year: 2183CE

Location: Noveria The Hot Labs   
  


Shepard holstered her rifle and surveyed the scene with a frown. Another casualty was added to the list of many because of the rachni. But the ultimate responsibility lied with Binary Helix, the company which owned this facility and many others on Noveria. The queen she had released was a victim to Binary Helix's plot to create a rachni army, and so were her children. Yet, the scientist who was now dead on the floor had confirmed what the queen had told her: Her children were beyond saving; they had to be euthanized.

It would be one hell of a mission report this time, Shepard thought with a silent sigh. Releasing the thought-to-be-extinct rachni queen, then killing all her crazy offspring with a neutron purge. Shepard could just imagine the look of disapproval the Council would give her, especially Sparatus, the turian Councilor.

Still, she had a job to do. Regardless of what the Council might think, Shepard had to do the right thing. With the key to activate the neutron purge in her hand, Shepard was ready to clean up the mess Binary Helix had made here at Rift Station.

“So they would drop bombs from the battlestations just to clean up their own mess? Talk about overkill,” said Garrus.

“What kind of jerk came up with stupid plans like this?” asked Ashley with a scowl.

“Someone who wants to protect the company's stock value at all cost. Someone who doesn't work in this building,” Kaidan replied. “So I'll say it could be just about any executive in Binary Helix.”

Shepard pondered for a second. “I'll go set off the neutron purge. The rest of you stay here and guard the exit. The last thing I want is to be ambushed by any leftover Geth.”

“Or worse, rachni...” Tali shuddered. “I hate those things.”

“I'll go with you, Commander,” said Kaidan. “In case there are more rachni in there.”

Shepard nodded and headed to the control room.

“You scared the hell out of me just now,” Kaidan said when they were away from the others.

It took Shepard a second to realize what he was referring to. “You mean with Wrex?”

“Yeah. I thought he was going to attack you.”

“Wrex is smart; he can be reasoned with. But he's still a krogan. To gain a krogan's respect and make him listen, sometimes the fastest way is to behave like one.”

“So that's why you provoked him, huh?”

Shepard shrugged. “It worked. Got his attention, and he listened.”

“One hell of a trick you pulled, Aerin. I thought I had to put my biotic reflex to the test and see how fast I could disable Wrex without warming up.”

“That I'd like to see. Save me the front row seat,” said Shepard as they entered the control room. The door shut behind them with no sign of rachni.

“You know, I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but what you did, that was er...”

“Crazy?” she suggested. “Or hot?”

He chuckled lightly at her guesses. “Both. Less former, more latter. Around 20/80.”

“Well then, remind me to scare the hell out of you more often,” Shepard said with a hint of smirk, then held up the key she had obtained from the dead scientist and asked, “Ready to run for our lives?”

“Ready as always.”

“Let's hope they give us at least thirty seconds to get the hell out of here.” Shepard inserted the key into the control console.

Mira the VI came to life. “Online. How can I help?”

“Activate the neutron purge,” said Shepard.

“I'm sorry, but I can't do that without proper code authorization.”

“Code input: 875-020-079. Code Omega local execution.”

“Verified. Code Omega execution in 120 seconds.”

Shepard turned to Kaidan. “Think we can run across that room in two min--” A high pitch scream came through from the outside. They shared a look of alarm. “Tali?”

Shepard rushed to open the door. The sight that greeted her froze her in her tracks; the previous empty room was now swarmed with rachni of all sizes.

“Oh god...” Kaidan stopped dead next to her.

“Shit!” She started shooting at the creatures and shouted a warning to the rest of her team, “Move, people! We have less than two minutes!”

Kaidan immediately executed neural shock to disable the closest group rachni, then lifted another group with his biotics, clearing a path to the exit. “Stay close to me!” said Kaidan as he held up a biotic sphere around them, minimizing as much damage from the rachni's acid as possible.

Rushing underneath the floating rachni, Shepard didn't bother to shoot them down, instead she tossed a grenade on the floor a few meters in front of them. “Stand back!” she warned before firing a shot at it. The grenade exploded before the timer expired, killing all the creatures around it. “Go!”

As talent a biotic as he was, Kaidan's shield could only last so long before he fried his own brain, Shepard knew all too well. They had to get to the exit fast.

She spared a quick glance ahead at the elevator, her team had already retreated close to the short hallway that led to the elevator, each providing much needed backup. Wrex and Tali's shotguns were pumping non-stop at the larger creatures, while Garrus and Ashley's rifles sprayed their bullets at an alarming rate indiscriminately. Behind them, Liara was glowing bright blue, unleashing one attack after another.

But there were too many rachni for all seven of them to deal with. Shooting those creatures one by one was too slow, Shepard reached for another grenade. Much to her dismay, her hand came up empty. “Damn it! Out of grenade. Garrus, toss one in front of me!”

Without question, Garrus threw one a few meters away ahead them. Shepard immediately detonated it with a bullet. The surrounding creatures died from the explosion, giving Shepard and Kaidan a chance to advance closer to the elevator.

Only a few meters more and they would reach the hallway her team had been holding.

“Garrus, another one!” said Shepard.

“Too close! You'd get hit from the explosion,” said Garrus while providing cover fire.

“My shield can hold. Do it! Kaidan, stand back!”

“Belay that order,” Kaidan interrupted, letting go of the biotic sphere he had been holding.

Before Shepard could say another word, she felt a strong shock wave radiated around them, killing all the rachni nearby. She whipped around and found the biotic glow faded from Kaidan's body. Shepard's eyes widened in horror.

He had detonated his own shield to buy them time.

Knowing Kaidan might be temporarily disoriented from the detonation, Shepard grabbed his hand and made a dash to the exit. They were close when suddenly another group of rachni dropped down from the ceiling, sealing her path to her team.

“DAMN IT!” Shepard unloaded a clip on them, killing a few to create an opening towards the elevator. “Hold the fire!” she warned the others, then gave Kaidan a shove towards their friends, pushing him out of harm's way before another group of rachni closed the gap and surrounded her.

“Aerin!”

“Stay back until your shield regenerates! That's an order!” Shepard couldn't afford to spare another second to argue with him. Another group creatures dropped out of nowhere, further isolating her from her team. Shepard shot at everything that stood in her path; her finger never stopped squeezing the trigger. “Come get it, you bastards,” she mumbled under her breath.

“Hurry, Aerin!” Tali urged between shots. “We're running out of time!”

Without Kaidan's biotic protection, the acid from the rachni continued to hit her shield, eating it up at an alarming rate. She couldn't last too long. Yet, Shepard was not about to give up. She had been through worse and survived, Shepard told herself. She was not about to come this far just to be taken down by some goddamn bugs.

“Get a grenade ready, Williams,” said Kaidan all of a sudden.

“You crazy?!” Ashley glared at him. “Shepard will get blown up!”

“Do it, Chief,” he repeated firmly once more. “On my mark.”

Without warning, Shepard suddenly found herself floating in mid air. “What the--” She tossed a quick glance at her friends and found Kaidan once again enveloped in blue glow, his hand reaching out and lifting her up biotically.

“Everyone in the elevator. Hurry!” said Kaidan, backing up into the hallway one step at a time.

“You heard the man! Get your asses into the elevator. NOW!” Shepard ordered. She trusted Kaidan with everything, even her own life.

“Williams, toss the grenade under Shepard then go!”

Trapped inside a biotic bubble, Shepard could only watch as Ashley's grenade landed right underneath her, buried among the rachni trying to claw at her. Her eyes widened at the blinking light on the grenade. Her shield was already almost gone, she could not possibly survive an up-close explosion.

Shepard glanced back to Kaidan and noticed he was standing right in front of the elevator, everyone was safe behind him. His biotic glow was brighter than ever.

“Whatever trick you're going to pull, Alenko, do it no-- AH!” Shepard screamed as a sudden strong force pulled her floating body forward, sending her flying towards the exit. She slammed onto Kaidan, who used his body to stop her momentum. He immediately wrapped his arms around her as they stumbled into the elevator.

Wrex reached out to steady both of them. “Nice catch.”

“Go, go, go!” Tali screamed. “They're coming!”

The grenade exploded just in time to stop the advance of the closest group rachni.

The door closed before the rest of the rachni caught up. Within seconds the neutron purge explosion rattled the enclosed space. Instead of letting go, Shepard felt his arms tightened around her.

Shepard allowed herself to lean against Kaidan for a little longer as she released a breath she had been holding. Resting her head on his shoulder, she panted heavily and took a moment to collect herself. She could have sworn she could hear his heartbeats through his armor, or perhaps it was her own heart pounding from the adrenaline. Kaidan didn't move, he only held her closer, placing one hand on the back of her head protectively. He didn't have to say a word, for his silent message was loud and clear: He was here, and she was safe. That was all the comfort she needed.

“Well, that was... fun...” Garrus mumbled. His voice dripped in sarcasm.

“Fun?!” Tali snapped. “You call that fun, Vakarian? Those things were like spiders. Spiders! I hate spiders!”

 

* * *

 

Location: Noveria Peak 15 Rift Station

 

The long tram ride within the Rift Station was a welcome break. Shepard finally had time to stop and wonder the implication of her actions. Releasing the queen was the right thing to do when genocide was the other option, but it might be problematic if the queen couldn't keep her words. More than once, she had to wonder if she was in way over her head. Decisions like the fate of the rachni queen should not be made by just one soldier, even if that soldier was a Spectre. The Council should decide. Yet, she wasn't given that choice.

A sudden sting on her face brought her back to reality. Shepard winced.

“Sorry,” Liara apologized as she disinfected the cut on Shepard's cheek.

“It's okay,” Shepard mumbled and sat back. Kaidan had offered to patch her up, but she had directed him to Garrus and Ashley instead. Shepard wanted to keep a close eye on Liara; after all, losing one's mother could not be easy, especially when her mother had tried to kill her a moment ago.

Liara gently blew some air on Shepard's wound to ease the pain. Shepard had to smile a little at that. “My mom used to do that,” she commented quietly.

“So did mine. Although I did not get injured too often,” said Liara as she applied medi-gel on the skin. Her touch was light and gentle.

Shepard quietly observed her friend. Although Liara didn't seem too grief-stricken, Shepard couldn't help but wonder if it was just an act to be strong. “Are you all right?”

Liara's big blue eyes landed on her own. “If you're referring to Benezia's death, yes I am fine.”

“Losing your mother can't be easy, Liara. We are here for you.”

“I appreciate your concern, Aerin. I choose to remember Benezia the way she used to be, before she turned into Saren's puppet.”

“A part of her always live in you. Her intelligence, her wisdom, her strength.”

Liara sat down next to Shepard after she was done. A wistful smile played on her lips. “Thank you for your kind words. We asari choose to remember the pleasant moments we share with our loved ones instead of grieving for their loss.”

“That's a very wise philosophy. Easier said than done though, for us humans.”

The air was cold even inside the tram. Liara slid closer to her for warmth, Shepard didn't mind. “We have longer life span than most species. It's not uncommon for us to outlive our partners or bond mates. But if we remember them, they will live on with us.”

Shepard nodded. “What was your mother like?”

Liara leaned back on the seat and stared blankly at the window for a moment, lost in her own memories. “Benezia... I always thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. My mother loved yellow. I remember she had those beautiful yellow dresses I always wanted to wear when I was a child.”

“She was exquisite, but more than that, she was very wise,” said Shepard. “If she hadn't sealed off part of her mind away from Saren, we would have never known about the Mu Relay.”

“Yes. She was wise and gentle. Many expected me to follow her footsteps, but I chose to study Prothean instead. And when I told her my decision, she just smiled at me and encouraged me to follow my dream...”

“It's quite natural for a child to rebel against their parent. It's part of growing up and establish your own identity.”

Liara smiled softly at her. “Ah, you have the wisdom of a matriarch, Aerin. That's exactly what my mother said. When she knew about my interest, she brought me to the library and to the museum. Without her support and encouragement, I wouldn't be who I am today. And that's how I want to remember Benezia.”

“She's proud of you, Liara.”

Liara nodded. “I never thought it would mean so much to hear that from her. To think that I rebelled against my mother yet still craved for her approval... It sounds so silly now.” She turned and faced Shepard. “Thank you for giving me a chance to see her one last time.”

Shepard dropped her gaze onto her gloved hands on her lap. “I'm sorry it had to come to this...”

“So am I. But we released her from Saren's clutches. My mother's freed, thanks to you.”

Shepard shook her head. “I just wish it could turn out better.”

“Benezia was right. She would never be able to be freed from Saren's influence as long as she lived. She had been... I believe the term she used was 'indoctrinated'.”

“Indoctrination... From the way Benezia described it, it sounded like some sort of mind-control.”

Liara shook her head thoughtfully. “I doubt it's a simple mind-control if Benezia had fallen victim to it. Shiala from Feros mentioned such influence as well. And the influence comes from that ship called Sovereign.”

“I saw it on Eden Prime. It's massive.”

“Be careful, Aerin. If Saren was able control Benezia, he's more powerful than I thought.”

Shepard frowned. “One way or another, I will end this. Can't have him find the conduit and bring the Reapers back.”

Liara studied her for a moment. “The burden you have must be overwhelming. I don't know how you keep it together.”

“When there's no choice but to fight, I'll fight til my last breath. It's all I can do...” Shepard turned to her with a half-smile.

Liara held her gaze. “I will do whatever I can to help you, Aerin. Such burden should not be carried by just one person, even if that person is a legend.”

“Legend? Me?” Shepard let out a faint chuckle. “No, I don't think so.”

“You are, among humans,” Liara pointed out. “And you will be known across the galaxy once this is over.”

“Come on, Liara, you know me. I'm just a soldier doing what needs to be done.”

Liara shook her head with a hint of loving smile. “And that's part of your charm.”

“Commander?” Ashley approached and stopped right in front of them.

Shepard suppressed a tired sigh and answered dutifully, “Yeah?”

“We have the coordinates for the Mu Relay, now we go after Saren, right?” asked Ashley.

Shepard shook her head. “No. The relay could lead to a dozen systems. We don't know where Saren is.”

“The commander is right,” Liara agreed. “We need to gather more information and find out more about Saren first.”

Ashley raised an eyebrow at Liara. “Who put you in charge? Did the commander resign when I wasn't looking?”

That was unexpected. Shepard scowled lightly and warned, “Chief.”

“Sorry, Commander,” said Ashley begrudgingly.

The look on the gunnery chief's face was not lost to her. Shepard sighed heavily and ran a hand through her hair. “Listen. We are all on edge. We've been on this mission for almost twenty hours, and it's freaking cold here. So I'll let this slide. But if we want to take down Saren, we need to work together.”

“Understood.”

The tram stopped. Shepard stood up and hid a wince from aching muscles. “Let's go back to the ship and get some rest. It's not everyday that we have to shoot a bunch of rachni and run for our lives to escape a neutron purge.” Shepard stepped out of the tram without looking back at her team. “Someone please take over the mako on our trip back, unless you want me to drive us off the cliff.”

“I'll do it,” Kaidan volunteered. Shepard wasn't surprised.

“Let me, Kaidan,” said Garrus. “Stay with Aerin.”

Fatigue had kicked in full force now that she allowed herself to relax. Shepard spared no extra energy to ask what Garrus meant be that. What she desperately needed was a nap, even if it was a short one.

The trip back to the mako was a quiet one. It wasn't until she settled inside the vehicle did she dare to close her eyes for the first time in the past twenty hours. Soon after, she heard the engine noise and felt the vibration.

“Area secured,” Kaidan stated after a few familiar beeps.

“Let's go,” said Wrex.

Someone settled next to her. Shepard opened her eyes barely enough to recognize Kaidan's armor before she closed them again.

“Mind if I borrow your shoulder?” she mumbled sleepily.

She heard a faint chuckle then felt an arm wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her close, then a gloved hand gently guided her head down to rest on his shoulder. His armor wasn't the most comfortable pillow, but Shepard was contented with his presence. Knowing he was here was enough. Shepard relaxed all her muscles, her body slumped and leaned onto him, and drifted off to much needed sleep.

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1

 

Stepping out of the Med Bay after a long talk with Liara, Kaidan didn't expect to find Shepard sitting in the mess hall with a few datapads lying in front of her, although he wasn't surprised that she was still awake. After what they had gone through on Noveria, it was not easy to unwind without the help of alcohol.

“Can't sleep?” Kaidan asked quietly, not wanting to startle her.

“Just finished a meeting with the Council.” She studied him curiously. “Why are you still up? Headache?”

“Oh, you mean...” He gestured behind him towards the Med Bay. “I'm fine. I was there to talk to Liara.”

Shepard put down a datapad. “How is she?”

He took a seat next to her. “Seems okay, I guess. The asari's philosophy is a bit different than ours.”

She nodded. “Cherish every moment we have when we are together and remember the good times after someone dies. It's a very good philosophy to live by, if we can really live by it.”

“How's the meeting with the Council? Did they give you a hard time?”

“Better than expected. Only one of them gave me hell for releasing a rachni queen into the galaxy.”

“Let me guess: The turian one.”

“The one and only.”

Kaidan shrugged. “He's been giving you crap even before they inducted you as Spectre. I say ignore him.”

“I almost hung up on them,” she told him nonchalantly.

He raised an eyebrow at her.

“Relax. I didn't.” She gave him a small mischievous smirk. 

He shook his head with a faint sigh of exasperation. “So where to next?” 

“I got a message from Admiral Kahoku. He asked for our help to track down a Cerberus facilities.” 

“Cerberus again? Captain Anderson told you not to investigate them.”

“Beside the fact that he outranks Anderson, Admiral Kahoku asked as a personal favor. The admiral bought information from the Shadow Broker about the deaths of his men, and the Shadow Broker pointed him to a Cerberus base in Binthu. We'll meet him there.” 

Kaidan digested the information for a second. His gut told him something wasn't right. “Why would a terrorist group want to kill Kahoku's men?”

“That's what he wants to find out too. The mission won't take long, and Binthu is on our way. We are heading back to the Attican Traverse.” 

“Again?”

Shepard nodded. “This time, we're heading to Virmire.” 

“What's in Virmire?”

Her lips pressed tightly together into a thin line and passed him a datapad. “STG agents went missing after going there to investigate about Saren under the Council's order.”

“STG agents missing? That's not good.” Kaidan took it and started to skim through.

Shepard scowled. “Not good at all. Saren probably got to them if they've gone MIA.”

Besides the mission details, there was nothing useful on the datapad. Nothing on it would help them prepare for their next mission. Kaidan now understood Shepard's apprehension. Shepard loved to be prepared, more so than any other soldiers, but how could you prepare for the unknown?

He put down the it and turned his full attention back to her. All he could do right now was to support her. “Whatever it is, we'll deal with it together.”

That erased her frown and brought a faint smile to her face. “That we will...” She paused then looked at him with her smile widened a bit. “Hey, I haven't thanked you for pulling my ass out of the fire.”

“About that... Please don't do that again.”

She looked mildly confused. “Do what?”

“Putting yourself in danger to save me.”

Her eyebrow arched up slightly in realization. “It turned out fine. I'm here, thanks to you pulling that stunt.” She was downplaying the situation to sooth his nerves, he knew. “That was... that was pretty hot.”

As flattered as he was, Kaidan was not about to let her slide this time. “I'm serious, Aerin,” he said quietly. “That was too close. Your shield couldn't possibly hold for much longer.”

There was a shift in her eyes. Playfulness was gone in a flash, replaced by her stoic front. Hidden underneath it all, there was a hint of distress Kaidan had never seen in her. “What was I supposed to do?” Shepard asked. “Your shield was completely gone after you detonated it to save us. I had to get you out of there before the rachni got to you.”

Kaidan knew. He knew all that, yet that didn't sit well with him. It had terrified him to no end to see her surrounded by all those creatures. With the neutron purge counting down, and the horde of rachni attacking, Kaidan didn't dare to think how close he was to losing Shepard.

He took a deep breath and went quiet.

“Kaidan...”

“I can't lose you,” he admitted with a voice quiet like a whisper.

“Then you should understand why I did what I did,” she said just as quietly. “I can't lose you either.”

He turned to face her. Bright blue eyes stared straight into his. There was nowhere to hide, no _need_ to hide. Eventually he let out a faint sigh of defeat and a tired chuckle. “Who knew falling in love with the ship captain would be this hard?” he blurted out.

If Shepard was surprised by the sudden confession, she didn't show. “Having second thoughts?” she asked, tilting her head to study him. “You can walk away anytime, Alenko, no repercussions.”

“Hey, you know me, I love a good challenge. What is it that people say? The best things in life don't come easy.” He leaned closer and pushed a lock of her hair away to examine the cut on her face. But it was just a front to get close to her, he suspected she already knew. “I just want this mission to be done and over with asap. Can't wait til shore leave.”

Those pink lips curled up slightly into a sly smile. “Things I would do to you on shore leave...” she mumbled under her breath.

To say his heart didn't skip a beat would be a lie. But Kaidan determined not to be flustered by her antic. Not anymore. “I could say the same,” he whispered back.

His unexpected retaliation had caught her completely off guard, Shepard's eyes widened in surprise, her cheeks flushed in a lovely shade of light pink. Kaidan, however, remained composed, only allowing a little smirk to surface. After all these months, he had finally beat her at her own game.

Revenge was sweet, but knowing _he_ could get such a reaction from _her_ was even sweeter. Kaidan could certainly get used to this new found power.

To her credit, she recovered quickly. “Careful, Alenko. You'll distract me from saving the galaxy.” Shepard seemed amused, to say the least. Kaidan was glad he could help her relax a bit, if only for just a short moment.

“It'll take care of itself one of these days.” He paused, widening that tiny smirk by just a bit. “Or nights.”

It might be just his imagination, but Shepard looked as if she was about to grab him for a passionate kiss. And he wouldn't might the slightest; there was nothing else he wanted more right now. So when she leaned in even closer, he was sorely disappointed that she stopped just before touching him. He could smell the shampoo in her hair. “If I have trouble sleeping tonight, it's your fault, Mister.”

Kaidan chuckled lightly and pushed all his fantasies away. For now. “Well... In that case, if you do, come find me.”

* * *

 

A/N: Ashley's line to Liara on the tram comes from the game, found it during a femshep, friendzoned Liara playthrough.

  
  



	24. Virmire

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 23: Virmire

Year: 2183CE

Location: Virmire

 

Target locked on. Three more seconds and the cannon would be charged once more. Machine gun worked, but Garrus preferred the sheer firepower of the cannon. One shot one kill. Clean and simple. That's the way he liked it.

Hidden around the corner, out of sight, Garrus waited patiently.

Two more seconds.

But Shepard had another idea. Instead of waiting, she accelerated the mako and ran over the last Geth that dared to stand in her way. The vehicle bumped violently as the synthetic creature and its rocket launcher crushed under the massive wheels.

“...Well, that works too,” Garrus mumbled as he powered down the cannon.

“That's the last one, Commander,” Kaidan confirmed upon checking the sensor.

Joker's voice came through. “Commander. Normandy's touched down at the base, but it looks like we're grounded.”

_Oh crap_ , Garrus thought as he peeked at the commander whose frown only tightened at the news.

“Grounded?” Shepard asked. “What the hell is going on?”

“The salarian captain can explain when you get there,” said Joker. “Joker out.”

First they had to fight through an army of Geth to disable those AA guns before the Normandy could touch down. And now her ship was grounded by the salarians? Shepard had to be murderous by now, Garrus was willing to bet his entire rifle collection on that.

Another peek at the commander's face confirmed his suspicion. If looks could kill, Shepard could annihilate every enemy on this planet with her death glare.

“They dare to ground your ship? Give them hell, Shepard,” Wrex suggested, quite predictably so, in Garrus' humble opinion.

“The commander has enough to deal with already, try not to add a diplomatic incident to her list,” said Kaidan, the forever voice of reason in their little ragtag group. “Let's talk to the salarians and see what they want.”

“I never trust those STG guys,” said Wrex. “Bunch of sneaky bastards.”

“They're experts in espionage,” Garrus corrected him. “We could use one of them on our team.”

“Let's see how much you like them after the salarians neuter you, Vakarian.” Wrex sneered.

Even though he had been called impatient and hot-headed by his own father, Garrus was always smart enough to know when to shut the hell up. There were some issues he'd better not touch. Genophage was one of them.

The salarian camp was in sight, ahead of them along the sandy beach. Garrus was more than certain Shepard could see it as well as he did, but instead of slowing down the mako, she accelerated with the intention of crushing onto the camp out of frustration, or so it seemed to Garrus.

“Er... Shepard,” Garrus warned quietly.

Shepard didn't respond. The mako rushed towards the camp for yet another second more before it slowed to a stop. Garrus let out a silent sigh of relief.

The commander finally looked at him with her eyebrow arched questioningly. Her glare was gone when her eyes landed on him

“...Nothing.” Garrus motioned the exit. “After you.”

Still without a word, the commander exited the vehicle. Garrus jumped out after her and landed on a soft sandy ground, white foamy wave hit his ankles. This planet was gorgeous; with clear blue sky and ocean front. The weather was warm but comfortably breezy, perfect to dip into the crystal clear water along the sandy beach, at least for humans. But Garrus knew even the paradise couldn't cheer Shepard up, her mood was shades darker than the bright blue sky.

“Welcome to Virmire,” said Garrus as he glanced around. “Tropical paradise with a healthy population of Geth, and massive defense towers with AA guns as popular tourists destinations.”

Shepard gave him a sideways look. To his surprise, there was even a hint of smirk on her face. “Try not to drown, Garrus.”

There she was, the murderous commander was gone, the Shepard he had come to respect was back temporarily. Garrus was glad he could lighten her mood if only for a few second. “I'll try not to,” he said then pointed at the beach front. “I'll be lounging on the sandy beach, sipping my drinks while sniping some Geth.”

The commander seemed to be pleased with the plan. She nodded with her approval. “Keep an eye out while I talk to the salarians.” Shepard gave him a soft punch on his shoulder before she marched towards the main camp.

Garrus had to smile at that. He idly wondered if that was a human way of showing camaraderie. But in the end, it didn't matter if it was a human way or not, Garrus knew it was Shepard's little way of showing her appreciation. Perhaps next time, he would give her a gentle punch back.

When Kaidan walked past him, the two men exchanged a look. Garrus shot a quick glance towards Shepard, and Kaidan responded with a subtle nod. It was all they needed to get a message across: Kaidan would stay with Shepard while Garrus secured the perimeter.

Garrus took a deep breath and enjoyed the fresh air as the lieutenant followed the commander towards the camp. He looked up to the clear blue sky. It was a beautiful day here on Virmire. But something didn't feel right; his instinct told him something much darker was hidden beneath this perfect world. Whatever it was, Garrus just wanted to find Saren and put a bullet between his eyes and get the hell out of this paradise as soon as possible.

But things would never be that easy, would they?

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Salarian Camp

 

Kaidan got the silent message from Garrus, and he agreed with his friend's assessment on the commander. Shepard was under tremendous stress, and grounding Normandy would only further sour the commander's mood. While he trusted Shepard not to make any rash decisions, he knew she could use his support, now more than ever.

“Commander?” Kaidan called out.

Shepard paused to wait for him.

He noticed her face was stone cold when he reached her. Taking a risk, he changed his tone and called out again, softly this time, “Hey...”

And it paid off. Her expression softened a few notches almost immediately. “They grounded _my_ ship.”

It felt inappropriate to think she was beautiful even when she was pissed as hell, but to him, she was. “They don't have the authority to ground the Council Spectre's vessel. There must be a good reason,” Kaidan reasoned calmly. “We'll sort this out.”

Shepard nodded and took a deep breath. Then, in the blink of an eye, her commander face was once again back on. “Let's see what they want from us.”

Kaidan followed the commander to the biggest tent in the camp.

“Are you in charged here?” Shepard asked a salarian who had just finished issued a few orders to the rest of the soldiers.

The salarian nodded. “I'm Captain Kirrahe, Third Infiltration Regiment STG.”

“Commander Shepard, Alliance navy, Council Spectre. What's the situation?”

“You and your crew have just landed in the middle of a hotzone,” the captain informed her. “Every AA gun within ten miles has been alerted to your presence.”

“We disabled three on our way here,” said Kaidan.

“There are more,” said Captain Kirrahe.

“That's why you grounded the Normandy?” Shepard frowned. “What are we supposed to do in the meantime?”

“We stay put until the Council sends the reinforcements we requested.”

“We _are_ the reinforcements,” Kaidan told the captain.

“What? You're all they sent?” The captain shook his head in disbelief. “I told the Council to send a fleet.”

“We couldn't understand your transmission,” Shepard explained. “They sent me to investigate.”

“That is a repetition of our task,” said Kirrahe. “I lost half my men investigating this place.”

“So what have you found?” asked Kaidan.

“Saren's base of operations. He's set up a research facility here, but it's crawling with Geth and very well fortified.”

“What's Saren researching?” asked Shepard.

“He's using the facility to breed an army of krogan.”

Shepard's eye widened in alarm. “What? How's that possible?”

“What about the genophage?” Kaidan asked, from the corner of his eye, he spotted Wrex approaching.

“Apparently, Saren has discovered a cure for the genophage.”

“Oh god...” Kaidan mumbled under his breath. Wrex was well within hearing range, Kaidan noticed, this could get ugly.

Shepard scowled. “The Geth are bad enough. But a krogan army... Saren'd be almost unstoppable.”

The captain nodded. “Exactly my thoughts. We must ensure that this facility and its secrets are destroyed.”

“Destroyed? I don't think so,” Wrex interjected. “Our people are dying. This cure can save them!”

“If that cure leaves this planet, the krogan will become unstoppable,” the captain explained. “We can't make the same mistake again.”

Kaidan winced inwardly at those last few words. It was definitely getting ugly. Fast.

Wrex stepped up to the captain and jabbed a finger at his chest. “We are not a mistake!” he claimed before storming off.

“Is he going to be a problem?” asked Kirrahe. “We already have enough angry krogans to deal with.”

“Don't worry about it, Captain. He'll be fine. I'll talk him,” said the commander. Her tone was as confident as always, but Kaidan suspected it was just a front.

“I appreciate that, Commander. My men and I need to rethink our plan of attack. Can you give us some time?”

“I understand. Go ahead, Captain. I'll deal with Wrex.”

Kaidan glanced at Wrex, then back to the commander. Going after an angry krogan would be as safe as disarming a bomb in the dark. One wrong move, and...

“Commander, a word?” Kaidan requested.

Shepard nodded and motioned him to walk with her and slowly approached Wrex's direction.

“I can disable Wrex with my biotics in case anything happens. Just give me a signal.”

Glancing over at Wrex's defensive stance, Shepard assessed the situation for a second then nodded again. “Don't do anything until I tell you to. I want to reason with him, not fight him.”

“Understood.” He paused for a moment, studying her profile. Pink lips pressed, blue eyes narrowed as they locked onto Wrex as though she was scanning for a weakness and strategizing on how to take down her target. He wanted to reach out to her. Not the soldier, not the leader, but the person hidden underneath. Taking yet another risk, he called out softly once again, “Aerin?”

That got her full attention. Shepard turned away from Wrex and looked at him questioningly, her gaze had softened considerably when she met his eyes.

As much as he wanted to touch her, or perhaps just taking one step closer, he wouldn't allow himself to. Not here, not now. “Please be careful.”

The corners of her lips curled up ever-so slightly in a faint smile that never reached her eyes. It was her way to reassure him everything would be fine, Kaidan knew. However futile the gesture was, he appreciated her effort and loved her for that. “I'll be careful,” Shepard promised. “But be ready... just in case.”

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Beach Front   
  


The cure for genophage. An answer his people had been seeking for centuries, millennium. It was here on this planet, within his grasp.

And Shepard wanted to destroy it.

Wrex took a deep breath to control his boiling anger. If Shepard hadn't been good to him, he would have shot her then and there.

Shepard was approaching, he could hear her soft footsteps. But that wasn't the only thing Wrex noticed. He also spotted two sniper rifles pointing straight at him, protecting the commander. But Wrex wasn't concerned about those; if Shepard wanted him dead, she would kill him herself. That woman had her own code of honor, almost krogan-like. And for that, he respected her. And because of that respect, he would give her a chance to hear her out.

“This isn't right, Shepard,” said Wrex as soon as she was within range. “If there's a cure for the genophage, we can't destroy it!”

“I understand you're upset, but we both know Saren is the enemy here,” Shepard pointed out calmly. “He should be the one you're angry with.”

“Really? Saren created a cure for my people. _You_ want to destroy it.” Wrex turned and approached her one step at a time. “Help me out here, Shepard. The lines between friend and foe is getting a little blurry from where I stand.”

An angry krogan staring down at an opponent half his size should be intimidating enough to make that person run away with their pants wet.

Shepard, however, stood her ground firmly, her gaze never faltered. “This isn't a cure, it's a weapon! And if Saren is allowed to use it, you won't be around to reap the benefit. None of us will!”

Wrex stopped right in front of her, his much larger size loomed over her smaller form. “That's a chance we should be willing to take. This is the fate of my entire people we're talking about!”

“And this is the fate of the entire galaxy we're talking about!” Shepard countered sharply, staring him down as if he was not a krogan twice her size but a varren who was misbehaving.

This woman had more balls than her entire crew combined, Wrex had to give her that. She would be a worthy opponent, he always knew.

“We all know how this will end.” And suddenly, there was his shotgun pointing at her.

Shepard's well-honed reflex reacted, her own shotgun was in her hand in a flash. Wrex expected nothing less from her.

“It doesn't have to end that way, Wrex,” said Shepard.

“It does,” he countered, not at all bothered by her shotgun pointing at the softer muscles around his chin. Shepard sure knew where to aim. “Don't you get it? There's finally a cure for genophage, and I can _not_ let you destroy it.”

“Stop being blinded by the fact there's a cure,” she told him. Not once did she bother to glance at the shotgun jabbing at her chest over her heart. “Saren is using it to make more krogans for _his_ army! He doesn't care about these krogan; he's using your people as tools!”

Wrex sneered. “Many of my people died in wars that weren't even ours to start with. This is just another one. And we'll get a cure for genophage out of it. When we bring the cure back to Tuchanka--”

“There wouldn't even be a Tuchanka if Saren unleashed the Reaper on us! You know it! There wouldn't be anything left in this galaxy if he won!”

The truth hit him harder than a headbutt from an elder warrior. Wrex went silent.

“I'll stop Saren or die trying,” Shepard vowed. “And I cannot let him have another edge. You know what we have, it's just us versus his army of Geth. The Citadel Council isn't going to lift a finger to help. We have no backup. I _cannot_ let him have another edge against us. How are we supposed to fight an army of Geth _and_ krogans with just the seven of us?”

“Six,” he corrected her. “I am not going to make it out here alive, I know that. But if I'm going to die, I want an honorable death. Just you and me. You owe me that much, Shepard. Call them off.”

“What?” The confusion in her eyes was genuine.

“You don't know?” asked Wrex curiously. “Williams and Vakarian have their sniper rifles aimed at my head. Alenko isn't armed, but he doesn't need a gun to kill, and we both know he won't let anything hurt you.”

Shepard took her eyes off him for a moment and saw what he had just described.

“You didn't have to order them,” said Wrex upon seeing her confusion. “They did it on their own. They'll follow you straight to hell. You're their leader, their friend. Hell, you're my friend... But this, I can't let you destroy the genophage, not even for you, Shepard. So, get on with it. At least try to make this a challenging fight worth dying for.”

“No,” said Shepard. To his surprise, she suddenly took a step back and lowered her gun. “There will be a fight, but it won't be between us. If either of us is going to die fighting, it's a fight with Saren.” She took another step back and shook her head. “I can't die just yet, if I did, Saren would win. But I won't let you throw away your life either. I need you to help me win this! And after we win, we will find a way to get a cure for genophage.”

Somehow, he believed her. When Shepard promised, she would deliver. But still... “You're not scientist, Shepard.”

“I'm not. Neither is Saren, and he found the cure. We now know there's a formula out there, that the cure exists. And if it exists, it can be duplicated.”

She was right, Wrex knew. However, hope was a dangerous thing. How many lives had been sacrifice in the name of researching for a cure, all done in hope that a cure might be found? But this time was different, a cure had been found. It _existed_. And if it existed, it could be duplicated...

Shepard continued, “Fight _with_ me, Wrex. Don't let that bastard use your people as slaves. Krogans deserve much better than that. They're the best infantry the galaxy has ever seen, and they should be treated with respect, not as cannon fodder for an insane turian who wants wipe out the galaxy including your people!”

There was a fire burning inside him. Not anger, but a fire filled with renewed purpose. Wren lowered his shotgun. “I've been loyal to you so far, Shepard. Hell, you did more for me than my family ever did. But if I'm going to keep following you, I need to know we're doing it for the right reason.”

“You know damn well this is the right reason. Saren will use these krogans as tools to destroy us, then he'll destroy them as soon as they're no longer useful to him. Is that what you want for your people?”

Again, the truth hit him like a headbutt.

“No...” Wrex answered quietly. “We were tools for the Council once. To thank us for us wiping out the rachni, they neutered us all. I doubt Saren would be as generous.”

“I can't do this without you, Wrex. I can't do this without any of you.”

_Yes, you can, Shepard,_ Wrex eyed the commander. This woman knew when to threaten you and when to sweeten the pot, she would make a fine clan chief, but Wrex was not about to tell her that. “All right, Shepard, you've made your point. I don't like this, but I trust you enough to follow your lead. I'm not going to stop you from doing what needs to be done. Just one thing, when we find Saren, I want his head.”

“All yours, Wrex.” Shepard breathed out a sigh of relief. “All yours.”

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Salarian Camp

 

“Thank you for speaking with the krogan,” said Captain Kirrahe. “The assault on Saren's base will be difficult enough as it is.”

_Assault? Finally,_ Shepard thought. “I assume that means you've come up with a plan.”

“Of sorts.” The captain nodded. “We can convert our ship's drive system into a twenty-kiloton ordnance. Crude, but effective.”

Shepard glanced over to Kaidan briefly, his subtle nod confirmed it was a viable plan.

“Nice,” said Ashley. “Drop that nuke from the orbit and Saren can kiss his turian ass goodbye.”

“Unfortunately, the facility's too well-fortified for that,” said Kirrahe. “We'll need to place the bomb at a precise location.”

“Where do we take the nuke?” Shepard asked. “And how do we get there?”

“The bomb must be taken to the far side of the facility,” said the captain. “Your ship can drop it off, but we'll need to infiltrate the base, disable the AA guns, and pacify any ground forces first.”

“You want us to go in on foot?” asked Kaidan. “We don't have enough men.”

“It does sound a bit risky,” Shepard agreed. “We won't be able to meet their force head on. Is there no other way?”

“No, but I think we can work about that,” said Kirrahe. “I'm going to divide my men into three teams and hit the front of the facility. While we've got their attention, you can sneak your 'shadow' team in the back.”

_Suicide mission?_ Shepard considered for a second. “That's a good idea, but your people are going to get slaughtered.”

“We're tougher than we look, Commander. But it's true. I don't expect many of us will make it out alive,” the captain admitted. “And that makes what I'm going to ask even more difficult. I need one of your men to accompany me. To help coordinate the teams.”

Her eyebrow arched high. That was a bold request, sending one of her team on a risky mission where she had absolutely no control over. Shepard didn't like it a single bit.

“He's right, Commander,” said Kaidan. “We can't do this without both teams at their best.”

Shepard nodded reluctantly. “All right.”

Based purely on experience and combat prowess, the one who had the highest chance of survival would be Wrex, but Shepard wouldn't trust him playing nice with the salarian soldiers, much less taking orders from one.

“We'll need someone who knows Alliance communication protocols, Commander,” Kaidan suggested. “I volunteer.”

Shepard looked at him sharply. His face was as calm as his tone when he gave her a reassuring nod. Kaidan was, first and foremost, a professional soldier with a decade experience and a talented biotic, Shepard knew full well, yet there was an irrational fear latching onto a hidden corner of her mind. Would she knowingly send him to a high-risk mission? _Could_ she?

For the first time in her decade-long career, she finally had a firsthand experience of the repercussions of fraternization. And to think that technically they had not even broken any rules yet. Kaidan was right, who knew it would be this hard?

Still, it wasn't the time or place to contemplate. Her rational instinct kicked in. Logic took over, shoving all the unwanted emotions away, Shepard was once again back in her comfort zone with her mind focus on just one thing: Finishing the mission.

“Not so fast, L-T,” said Ashley. “Commander Shepard will need you to arm the nuke. I'll go with the salarians.”

She was inclined to agree with the chief; the lieutenant was better suited at arming the bomb.

“With all due respect, Gunnery Chief,” said Kaidan, “it's not your place to decide.”

Ashley folded her arms. “Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect' they really mean 'kiss my ass'?”

“That's enough,” Shepard snapped, effectively stopping any further debate on their situation. She then turned to the captain. “I want to know more about the bomb. How reliable is it?”

“Its reliability depends on the person arming it,” said Kirrahe. “The drive system is highly impervious to damage from external sources. Once it has been armed, very little can stop it. The key is getting it into place and armed before the Geth can stop us.”

It was all Shepard needed to know to made her decision. “Alenko, I need you to arm the nuke. Williams, you'll accompany the captain,” Shepard ordered, somehow words didn't come out as easy as it should have. “No heroics, understood?”

Ashley nodded. “Aye, aye, Commander.”

“I'll have the ordnance loaded onto the Normandy and brief your crew on its detonation sequencing,” said Kirrahe. “I won't lie to you, Commander. There is a chance none of us will survive this assault. Even your team. But we do what is necessary.”

“That we do, Captain. It's our job.” Shepard nodded understandingly.

“Good luck, Commander. Now excuse me, I have to give my men one last speech.”

 

* * *

 

Ashley had never thought she would be working with salarians. It almost felt surreal. But then again, before she had been assigned to the Normandy, she had never thought she would work side by side with a turian, a krogan, a quarian, and an asari. If Shepard hadn't touched down on Eden Prime that day months ago, things would have been very different.

For one, she would probably be dead.

No use thinking what might have been when there was a crazy turian running around threatening the entire galaxy. They all had their job to do, and they all would do what they did best. The commander would lead, the L-T would arm the nuke. As for herself, she would shoot at things until they dropped dead.

Still, it felt weird to leave those people she had considered her family for the past few months, even for just a bit.

“Well, this is it,” Ashley said, hiding a sigh. “Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, L-T. You too, Commander.”

The commander was quiet, she only nodded.

“We'll be fine. You'll see,” said Kaidan with a poor attempt to calm everyone's nerves. But Ashley had to give him brownie points for effort.

Even though she never showed, Ashley always had a soft spot for the lieutenant. Without him vouching for her in front of Captain Anderson, she might never have transferred to the Normandy. And since then, he had helped her in more ways than she could count, especially during the first few days of the transition. She had never served on a ship before, but for Alenko, he must have served on more ships than he could count with both hands. Without him showing her the ropes and being a friendly face to her among the elite crew, Ashley doubted she could survive on the ship for more than a week.

“Yeah... I just...” _This is another opportunity to prove yourself, Williams. What the hell is wrong with you?_ Ashley shook her head and swallowed all her thoughts. “Good luck.”

“What is it, Chief?” asked Shepard. Those eyes as bright and blue as the clear sky looked straight into her own, Ashley swore the commander could see through her sometimes.

She could only shrugged. “I don't know. It's just weird. Going under someone else's command. I've got used to working with you... all of you.”

“It's only temporary,” said Shepard. “I'm not going to sign off on your permanent transfer to the STG.”

Ashley had to smirk a little at that.

“Don't worry,” Kaidan said with soothing tone. “We'll see you on the other side.”

“I know. I, ah...” _Stop it, Williams! You'll be back with them by the end of the day, and you all will go get drunk at the Citadel again!_ Still, there were things that should be said whenever there was a chance, her father had taught her that much. “It's been an honor serving with you, Commander.”

“The honor is mine, Chief.” Shepard gave her a faint smile. Ashley had always thought the commander looked pretty when she smiled, it's a shame Shepard didn't smile often. “When this is over, I'll talk to Captain Anderson about your records and see if he could do anything to give you the recognition you deserve.”

Ashley's eyes lit up. She almost couldn't believe what she had just heard. After being in the fleet for yeras, finally someone stood up for her. “Commander, that's not necess--”

“That's overdue,” Shepard cut her off firmly. Her tone left no room for negotiation

“Don't argue with her, Ash,” Kaidan said with that warm smile of his. “Our commander can be... very persuasive.”

“Yeah, I bet you know that all too well, Alenko.” Ashley flashed a grin at the lieutenant, teasing him one last time before the start of their mission.

It had almost become a habit of hers to tease the lieutenant now and then. Kaidan was an easy target to squeeze some fun, especially when the topic was about Shepard. But lately, she had noticed a change in Kaidan, he had become harder to fluster especially after the Citadel shore leave. Perhaps the shy little Alenko had finally gathered enough courage to confess to the Goddess of his dreams. If so, good for him, Ashley thought with a strange sense of pride. Even though that man was older than her, sometimes Ashley couldn't help but feel like protecting him as her little brother. It was probably the side effect of being the big sis to three younger siblings.

Old habits die hard.

And now, this big sis would go distract those synthetic jerks to buy them enough time to sneak in and set the nuke. It's risky, she knew, but she would do anything to protect her family. Blood-related or not.

“Whatever happens, everyone just keep shooting,” said Shepard, her expression steeled with determination. “We go in hard, hit them harder, and we'll be the only damn thing that comes out the other side.”

“You bet, Skipper.” Ashley nodded. “See you on the other side.”

 

* * *

 

A/N: Five POVs in one chapter to spice things up. Have a confession to make: I don't read fanfic, especially on the topic and characters I'm writing, just so I'd preserve my headcanon and keep it away from any outside influences (I've that habit since my DAO fic.) So I've no idea how this written-to-death Virmire situation is handled by other writers. For better or worse, Virmire, here we come.

Thanks for reading.

  
  


  
  



	25. Shepard's Choice

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.  
  


 

Chapter 24: Shepard's Choice

Year: 2183CE

Location: Virmire Saren's Base

 

Shepard stormed through the door into an office with her rifle in her hands, fully expecting another wave of resistance like many she had fought throughout the facility. Geth or krogans, it didn't matter to her. Whatever stood in her way, died.

But what greeted her was not the mechanical click of a Geth or the battle cry of a krogan, but a high-pitched scream of a woman. Shepard held up a hand to halt her team.

“Ah!! Don't shoot! Don't shoot!” An asari crawled out from underneath a desk. “Please, I just want to get out of here before it's too late.”

_A civilian?_ “Who are you?” Shepard demanded.

“Rana Thanoplis. I'm a neurospecialist. And this job isn't worthy dying over. Or worse,” said the asari, obviously shaken by the ordeal. “You think the indoctrination only affects prisoners? Sooner or later, Saren will want to dissect my brain, too!”

“What are you talking about?” asked Shepard, lowering her gun. “I thought this was a breeding facility.”

The scientist shook her head. “Not this level. We're studying Sovereign's effect on organic minds. At least, that's what I assumed. Saren kept us in the dark as much as possible.”

“You helped him and you didn't know why?” asked Garrus incredulously.

“I didn't have the option of negotiating!” Thanoplis said defensively. “This position is a little more... permanent that I'd expected. But I can help you! This elevator behind me goes to Saren's private lab. I can get you in.” She went to unlock the elevator. “See? Full access. All of Saren's private files. Are we good? Can I go?”

“I'm going to blow this place to hell and gone,” Shepard told her in a voice as cool as it was deadly. “If you want to make it out alive, you'd better start running.”

The scientist's eyes widened in pure horror. “What?! You can't... but I'll never... ahh!!”

With a hidden smirk, Shepard watched as the asari scrambled and ran out of the facility.

“You enjoyed that, Commander,” Garrus observed, giving her a sideways glance.

“Oh yeah, she did,” Kaidan agreed. There was more than a hint of amusement in his otherwise calm tone.

“What? I played nice and let her go, didn't I?” She arched an eyebrow at them.

Those two men knew her better than anyone else, Shepard didn't bother to deny any accusation. Instead, she took the time to look around and analyze the situation. Whatever Saren was working on should be in his private lab, but the terminal on Thanoplis' desk shouldn't be overlooked either.

“Wrex, guard the exit. Tali, hack the terminal and see if you can get access to any other systems in the base, then help Wrex with the Geth. Liara, download any useful data from terminal once Tali is done.” Shepard turned to Kaidan and Garrus. “You two smart-asses, with me. Let's see what Saren is hiding.”

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Saren's Private Lab

 

“What's that over there?” asked Garrus.

“Be careful. It's another beacon,” said Kaidan. “Like the one on Eden Prime.”

“Stay here. Don't go near it,” Shepard ordered. “I'll check it out.”

Shepard approached the communication panel cautiously. Upon activating it, the beacon came to life glowing in an eerie green light. Just like the beacon on Eden Prime, a force emitted from the metallic rod lifted Shepard off her feet, assaulting her mind with flashes of images, visions different from those that had been haunting her for months.

Shepard screamed in pain.

And as fast as the assault had begun, it ended just as abruptly. Shepard was dropped onto the floor, down on her knees, panting hard.

“Aerin!” Both men rushed to her.

“Oh, crap...” Garrus mumbled. “You all right?”

Shaken up from another forced download of those Prothean visions, Shepard could only nod slightly.

“No, you're not,” said Kaidan, reaching out to support her. “She was unconscious for eighteen hours after contacting the beacon on Eden Prime.”

“Well, she's conscious,” Garrus reasoned, “but she's not arguing back, so that's not a good sign.”

Shepard took a few controlled breaths to collect herself. “I'll be fine...” She waved off their concern and tried to get back to her feet.

“Hey, easy.” Kaidan helped her up. “Don't make me carry you like I did last time.”

“Not a chance, Alenko.” Ignoring the dizziness, Shepard stepped away from the comfort of Kaidan's arms and approached the console once more.

The console switched on by itself as she stepped close. A holographic image of a bug-like creature glowing in bright red came online. That creature looked awfully familiar...

“You are not Saren,” said the holographic image. Its insect-like legs moved with its words.

“What is that?” asked Garrus. “Some kind of VI interface?”

“It looks like that ship we saw on Eden Prime,” Kaidan pointed out.

Shepard agreed.

“Rudimentary creatures of blood and flesh,” said the image. “You touch my mind, fumbling in ignorance, incapable of understanding.”

“What the hell?” Shepard scowled at the insults.

“I don't think it's a VI...” said Garrus.

“There is a realm of existence so far beyond your own you cannot even imagine it. I am beyond your comprehension. I am Sovereign!”

“It _is_ that ship!” said Kaidan.

All the pieces of puzzle clicked inside Shepard's head all at once. For the first time in months, her visions began to make sense. “Sovereign isn't just some ship Saren found. It's an actual Reaper!”

“Reaper? A label created by the Protheans to give voice to their destruction. In the end, what they choose to call us is irrelevant. We simply are.”

“The Protheans vanished fifty-thousand years ago. You couldn't have been there,” said Garrus. “It's impossible!”

“Organic life is nothing but a genetic mutation, an accident,” claimed Sovereign. “Your lives are measured in years and decades. You wither and die. We are eternal. The pinnacle of evolution and existence. Before us, you are nothing. Your extinction is inevitable. We are the end of everything.”

_Trash talk? Really?_ Shepard sneered at its attempt. “There is an entire galaxy of races united and ready to face you. Whatever your plan is, it's going to fail,” said Shepard firmly. “I'll make sure of that!”

“Confidence born of ignorance. The cycle cannot be broken.”

“Cycle?” asked Garrus. “What cycle?”

“The pattern has repeated itself more times than you can fathom. Organic civilization rise, evolve, advance. And at the apex of their glory, they are extinguished,” said Sovereign. “The Protheans were not the first. They did not create the Citadel. They did not forge the mass relays. They merely found them, the legacy of my kind.”

Instinctively, she knew exactly that was not a lie. Yet logically, that did not make any sense to her. “Why would you construct the mass relays, then leave them for someone else to find?” Shepard asked.

“Your civilization is based on the technology of the mass relays, our technology. By using it, your society develops along the paths we desire. We impose order on the chaos of organic evolution. You exist because we allow it. And you will end because we demand it.”

Shepard almost snorted at that ridiculous claim. But somehow that line sounded strangely familiar. Perhaps she had heard of it? No... She knew it as if it was embedded inside her head. Inside her head... It wasn't from her own experience, it was the ancestral memories of the Protheans. She knew it from her nightmare, from her visions.

“They're harvesting us!” said Kaidan, gasping. For once his usual calm composure left him. “Letting us advance to the level they need, then wiping us out!”

Shepard scowled at the creature. “What the hell do you want from us?” she demanded sharply. “Slaves? Resources?”

“My kind transcends your very understanding. We are each a nation. Independent, free of all weakness.”

“Nothing is perfect, not even a machine,” Shepard countered.

“You cannot even grasp the nature of our existence. We are legion. The time of our return is coming. Our number will darken the sky of every world. You cannot escape your doom.”

Its sheer arrogance was making her furious. “I don't need to know the nature of your existence to destroy you!”

“We have no beginning. We have no end. We are infinite. Millions of years after your civilization has eradicated and forgotten, we will endure.”

“You think that would scare me? Think again! Your logic is flawed. Everything has a beginning. You're just a machine, someone has to build you. All machines can be broken,” said Shepard with conviction. “Like everything else, you have weaknesses. I will find them, and I will exploit them!”

“Your words are as empty as your future. I am the vanguard of your destruction. This exchange is over.”

The hologram terminated, and a sudden huge explosion outside shook the entire room, shattering all the glass in the windows. Shepard stumbled and struggled to maintain balance.

Just then, Joker's voice came through to her radio. “Commander? We got trouble!”

_Great, what now?_ Frowning harshly, Shepard suppressed the fury in her tone. “Hit me, Joker.”

“That ship, Sovereign? It's moving,” said the pilot. “I don't know what you did down there, but that thing just pulled a turn that would shear any of our ships in half. It's coming your way, and it's coming hard! You need to wrap things up in there – fast!”

Shepard's eyes narrowed at the news.

“This console is shot,” said Kaidan. “Orders, Commander?”

“Let's head to the breeding facility and set the nuke. Joker, meet us there,” Shepard ordered, her expression darkened. “I'm done playing nice. Time to blow this place to hell.”  
  


* * *

 

Location: Virmire Bomb Site

 

Twenty kiloton of nuclear bomb – enough to blow up the entire facility and then some – sitting on the ground, waiting to be armed. It certainly wasn't the first time Kaidan armed or disarmed a bomb, but never had he dealt with one this size. Still, the basic principles were the same, only on a larger scale. He could arm it without any problem, but it didn't make it less unsettling to handle a weapon of this level of destruction.

Kaidan took a subtle deep breath. He had to switch off his mind for now and focus only on relatively simple task.

“Bomb is in position, we're all set here,” Kaidan informed Captain Kirrahe through the radio.

Ashley's voice came through his earpiece. “Commander, can you read me?”

“The nuke is almost ready. Get the the rendezvous point, Williams!” urged Shepard.

“Negative, Commander,” said Ashley. “The Geth have us pinned down on the AA tower. We've taken heavy casualties! We'll never make the rendezvous point in time.”

“Damn it...” Shepard patched through to the Normandy immediately. “Joker, get them out of there NOW!”

“Negative,” said Ashley. “It's too hot! Can't risk it. We'll hold them off as long as we--”

_Oh god._ Kaidan shot a glance at Shepard. She was torn, he could tell.

“It's okay, Commander,” Kaidan said as calmly as he could. “I need a couple of minutes to finish arming the bomb. Go get them and meet me back here.”

Shepard made a quick decision. “Tali, Garrus, stay here with Kaidan.”

“They should go with you,” Kaidan suggested. “The more friendly guns, the faster you could get to Williams.”

Shepard scowled at his suggestion, not in disapproval, he knew, but only concern.

“This area is secured. I'll be fine,” he insisted, wanting to give her all the protection and help she needed to rescue Ashley. “Let's not waste any time. The sooner you go, the sooner you'll get back.”

Her expression was stern. Yet, when her eyes met his, when he gave her a reassuring nod, her gaze softened. Although it wasn't the first time Kaidan noticed he had this affect on her, it still amazed him. What Shepard saw in him, he might never find out. But he knew he was the luckiest man alive.

The commander nodded. “Arm the bomb. We'll be back soon enough.”

“Aye, aye, Commander.”

“To the AA tower!” Shepard told her team.

“Hey,” he called out quietly, “watch yourself out there.”

For a second, just a split second, Shepard gave him a lingering look before she turned and ran through the gate, and be on her way to save the day.

Some people were born to be heroes, Kaidan thought idly as he went to work on the bomb, Shepard was certainly one of them.

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Saren's Base

 

Shepard ran out as soon as the elevator door opened. The sky suddenly darkened when a ship cast a giant shadow over them.

“Damn. Geth are sending in reinforcements,” said Wrex.

“Heads up, L-T.” Shepard heard Ashley through her radio. “We just spotted a troop ship headed to your location.”

_What?!_ Shepard drew a sharp breath, her eyes widened.

“It's already here,” said Kaidan. “There are Geth pouring out all over the bomb site”

_No..._

“Can you hold them off?” asked Shepard, her heart threatened to jump out of her chest.

“There are too many. I don't think so. I'm activating the bomb.”

_No!_

“Alenko, what the hell are you doing?!”

“I'm just making sure this bomb goes off. No matter what.”

“GODDAMMIT! NO!!”

“It's done, Commander. Go get Williams and get the hell out of here.”

_NO!_

Shepard couldn't breath.

“Screw that!” said Ashley. “We can handle ourselves. Go back and get Alenko!”

_Shit! Shit! SHIT!_

“ENOUGH! Both of you hang in there! That's a freaking order!” Shepard squeezed her eyes shut for a second. She had to make a decision.

And she had to make it now.

“Alenko, protect the bomb. And Hang. In. There.” _You can't leave me. You can't..._ “You don't have my permission to die! Do you hear me?!” she ordered firmly, her voice icy cold, masking all the pain inside.

“Understood.”

There was no time to waste, Shepard immediately switched her signal to the Normandy. “Normandy, this is Shepard! Do you read?”

“Normandy here,” Joker replied.

It felt as if a piece of broken glass had lodged inside her heart, bleeding profusely. “Joker, double back to Alenko. Now!”

“Wha--”

“To Alenko! NOW!”

“Right away.”

A hand landed on her shoulder. Shepard looked up and saw Garrus giving her a simple nod, supporting her decision no matter what it was. A simple comforting gesture from a good friend at this particular moment was too much for her to handle, Shepard almost lost it.

Almost.

But she couldn't. Shepard refused to let emotions get in the way.

_I am Lieutenant Commander Aerin Shepard of the Alliance Navy. Council Spectre. Captain of the SSV Normandy SR-1. My current mission is to detonate the bomb and destroy the breeding facility. My job is to protect the galaxy at all cost._

_At all cost._

Shepard took a sharp breath and shut down all her emotions. She had to a bomb to protect and a facility to destroy. Saren would not get his krogan army, no matter what.

No war was ever won without sacrifices. And this wasn't just a simple war; the galaxy was at stake. Getting stuck between a rock and a hard place, toughest decisions had to be made, it was part of her job. And all she could do was to make sure every sacrifice count by bring down that madman, even if it cost her own life.

“Let's head back to the bomb site.” Shepard could only hope she would not be too late.

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Bomb Site   
  


Fifteen years ago, he was a messed up kid who had killed his instructor with his biotics. Now, he was an officer of the Alliance Navy, serving with the first human Spectre whose mission was to save the galaxy. What used to be a curse had now become a blessing, his job gave him plenty of opportunities to put his biotics to good use.

Like right now.

Kaidan lifted a group of Geth up while putting another one in stasis. Switching to his rifle, he first fired at those Geth whose shields and weapons had been overloaded by him a few seconds earlier, then worked his way to the helpless floating ones, and lastly to the one locked in stasis.

It was all done methodically in a calm and cool manner. Among the chaotic battlefield, he had found order.

His shield was still holding when the last Geth fell onto the ground with a loud thump. Against all odds, he managed to hold off the first wave of attack. He was safe.

For now.

Kaidan panted heavily to catch his breath.

_Protect the bomb. And hang in there._ That was the order Shepard had issued.

He had to protect the bomb and make sure it would go off. If not, Saren would have his krogan army, and Shepard would not be able to defeat him.

Another ship approached. Kaidan swallowed hard and reloaded his rifle, then booted up his omni-tool to ready another series of quick attacks. Overloading the shields and weapons of the first group, biotic attacks on the second, then good old fashioned firepower to finish them in order.

But he was only one man against a group of Geth, even machine-like efficiency would not be enough. How much longer could he last?

It didn't matter. Kaidan knew he only had to last until the explosion.

He had to protect the bomb. He had to protect Shepard.

_You don't have my permission to die! Do you hear me?!_ Her last words rang inside his head. He could hear the panic in her voice despite her effort to conceal it. Kaidan wanted to comfort her, but this time, he couldn't. 

Her order was clear, as well as the underlying message. She couldn't lose him, she had told him that. It was a sentiment he shared, but sometimes they couldn't always get what they want, even if what they wanted was simply each other.

_I'm sorry, Aerin._

Fifteen years ago, he would have never thought he would have such a good life after the Brain Camp. He had his ups and downs throughout the years, sure, but in the end, he had found his place in the Alliance. And through the Alliance, he had found Shepard. Kaidan had no regrets.

Except for one.

He had never told Shepard he loved her.

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Saren's Base

 

It was the hardest call she had to make.

“Chief?” Shepard swallowed hard. “Williams? This is Shepard. Do you read?”

“Skipper?” said Ashley. “A little busy here!” There was a series of gunshots.

Shepard winced as she rushed back to the bomb. To Kaidan.

“Down you bastards!” Ashley panted. “You there, Skipper?”

Shepard swallowed again to loosen a lump in her throat before she could answer. “Yeah... I'll secure the bombsite then come back for you.”

“You made the right call, Commander. We both know it.” The sound of reloading a rifle was in the background. “Protect the bomb from those assholes and make sure it'll go off.”

“Ash,” Shepard's voice softened, “hang in there. I'll go back and get you.”

“You and I both know it's not possible.”

Trapped inside the elevator, Shepard repeatedly smashed the button and willed it to move faster. “I've managed the impossible before, Chief,” said Shepard, trying her best to maintain a calm tone for the chief's sake. “Don't count me out just yet.”

“Yes, ma'am. That's what I admire about you: Never give up. ...What the--! Son of a b--” Another series of gunshots rang loudly in Shepard's earpiece before the connection was cut off.

Shepard squeezed her eyes shut. In her mind, she could see vividly both Ashley and Kaidan under attack by the Geth. If only she could split herself and helped both.

“GOD DAMMIT!!” Shepard slapped open her eyes and slammed her fist onto the wall, hard enough to shake the elevator.

She had never felt this helpless before.

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Bomb Site   
  


Kaidan couldn't bring himself to call Shepard one last time. He wouldn't allow himself to distract her. If she heard his voice, she might rush back to him instead, and Ashley would...

No, Shepard should get Williams and get the hell out of this place. Williams had a team of STG soldiers with her, while he was the only one here facing an army of Geth. Shepard would be safer with them.

He could only hope they would be off this planet by the time the bomb went off.

Something trickled down from his nose. Kaidan didn't realize until it reached down to his lips and seeped inside his mouth. Still, he ignored that distinct metallic taste, ignored its implication. Whether it was from massive brain hemorrhage or gunfire, either way he was about to die. No point of holding back his biotics to keep his brain from overexertion. Rationally – and stubbornly – he kept on drawing from his biotic strength, trying his best to ignore the blindingly painful headache.

Four Geth approached, time for another round.

With a coarse grunt as he emptied out all his power to send a biotic kick and swept away the approaching Geth. The splitting headache hurt him enough to blind him. Although his vision had become blurry, Kaidan grabbed his rifle and sprayed at anything that moved. His shield couldn't hold for much longer.

_He_ couldn't hold on for much longer.

Blood dripped nonstop from his nose. Kaidan continued to ignore it. The remaining Geth were closing in. Searching deep within, he reached for the last bit of strength and detonated his remaining biotic shield, annihilated all the Geth around him, leaving him vulnerable to the next wave of attack.

And he could already see another ship coming.

Five more Geth dropped from a shuttle. In a dizzy haze, Kaidan managed to execute an overload program to disable the Geth's shields, buying him whatever advantage he could get. But still, it would not be enough.

Leaning against the ticking bomb, Kaidan reached for his rifle once more and fired the remaining few clips he had.

He had to protect the bomb. He had to protect Shepard.

Bullets flied both ways. Without his shield, one of them pierced through his armor and hit his left shoulder. Kaidan let out a cry.

_This is it..._

Still, his finger never stopped squeezing the trigger. He had to protect the bomb. He had to protect Shepard until his very last breath.

_I'm sorry, Aerin. I can't take you to the winery._

Three down. Two left. And he was down to his last clip.

_I can't protect you anymore. But I know you can do this without me._

Maybe, just maybe, he could squeeze one last biotic sphere for five seconds, tops. But after that...

_I've never told you this, but..._

_I love you..._

 

* * *

 

Location: Virmire Saren's Base

 

Shepard sprinted down the long path towards the bomb site, her team followed at her heels. Any Geth or krogans who dared to stand in her way was shot down mercilessly. There was no time for cover or tactic, her rifle sprayed continuously until her path to Kaidan was clear.

No, her path to the bomb, Shepard corrected herself pointedly. She made this choice not because of Kaidan, but because of the bomb, because of the mission, because of the galaxy.

A tiny yet persisting voice inside her head told her those were not the only reasons.

Shepard silenced that voice by planting bullets into the last krogan warlord guarding the gate that led to the exit.

It was then she heard Ashley's voice again. “Hey, Skipper?”

“I'm here, Ash,” Shepard replied immediately. “What's your situation?”

“We got separated from Captain Kirrahe and his group. Only two of us are alive. Barely...” Ashley coughed. “All those flashlight-headed bastards are dead. But they might send more.”

“Remember your direct order, Chief: Hang in there. I'll come get you.”

“Kiss my ass, Shepard.” Ashley chuckled weakly. “Your bossy tactic works for Alenko, but not me. He's sweet on you, you know that, right?”

Shepard kept her eyes on the gate in front of her. With every step she ran, it became bigger. “...I know...”

“If it wasn't for you and Kaidan, I would have been dead on Eden Prime,” said Ashley with her voice weakened, her breath labored. “Thanks for giving me a few more months, the best time of my life. Now I have a chance to redeem my family name.”

The lump in her throat was suffocating. She swallowed hard to push it away and found her voice. “You are one hell of a soldier, Williams. Your family would be proud of you.”

“Thank you, ma'am. It means a lot coming from you.”

“I'm proud of you too, Ash”

“Damn it, Skipper! Now you're making me cry.” Ashley chuckled with her voice breaking. “I'm not afraid to die. I'll see you in heaven, Aerin. Both you and Kaidan. Wonder if they have a bar up there...”

“Don't say that...” Her throat tightened further as she continued to run towards the gate that separated her from Kaidan. Only a few more meters now.

“Shit! Another ship!” said Ashley.

That stopped her cold in her tracks. “Stay alive, Chief! That's an order!”

She could hear gunshots from both her earpiece and beyond the gate.

_Kaidan!_

Her stomached dropped. She could not lose both.

No! She refused to lose both! Shepard hurried to open the gate.

“See you on the other side, Skipp--”

“ASH! ASHLEY!”

Then there was nothing but static.

“DAMN IT!!”

Out of frustration, she punched the control to open the gate, almost breaking it.

Shepard squeezed in before the gate was completely opened, rushing in with her gun blazing, shooting every Geth dared to stand in her way to her lieutenant.

“Get Kaidan, Aerin! We'll cover you!” said Garrus behind her.

“Bring it!” Wrex let out a battle cry.

The sight in front of her made her blood freeze. Kaidan was injured, leaning against the bomb with a pool of blood forming underneath him. Still, the stubborn man held up a biotic sphere to protect both himself and the bomb from the Geth's fire. But Shepard could see the shield was fading. She had to move fast.

A Geth with a rocket launcher managed to slip past her team and headed for Kaidan. It was then Kaidan's hand dropped and the shield around him dissipated.

_No. No. No!_

Shepard sprinted towards Kaidan and stopped right in front of him, using herself as a temporary cover for the injured man. Aiming her rifle at its arms, Shepard unloaded her bullets at the Geth, damaging the unit, and most importantly, stopping it from firing the rocket.

But even the Commander Shepard ran out of bullets.

Shepard reached for another clip and reloaded her gun as swiftly as she was trained to do, but that two precious seconds were enough for the badly damaged Geth to regain its balance and aim its rocket launcher right at her.

_Kaidan! RUN!_ She wanted to scream.

Instinct demanded her to dodge, but she didn't. She was the only thing that stood between a rocket and the man she loved. And Shepard stood taller than ever as she began to unload another clip at the synthetic creature, this time aiming squarely at its flashlight head.

Before Shepard could pull her trigger, a familiar ball of biotic energy hit the Geth, lifting it in the air.

Singularity, Shepard breathed a sigh of relief and finished off the floating Geth.

Shepard spared a glance at Liara's direction and nodded her thanks. The doctor gave her a brief smile before she focused back on the battlefield and unleashed another biotic attack.

The gravitational power would trap any Geth approaching her direction for a while, Shepard knew, giving her a perfect shield while retrieving Kaidan to safety.

“Kaidan!” Shepard dropped to her knees next to her lieutenant. “Hey... It's okay. I'm here...”

When he looked up to her, she noticed his nose was bleeding, his eyes barely opened. He had overexerted himself with his biotics.

_Shit!_

“Hey, hey! Stay with me,” she urged him. “Let's get you out of here.”

“Aer...” He coughed, blood spilled from the corner of his mouth.

“Tali!” Shepard shouted out. “Guard the bomb!”

“On it!” The young quarian hacked a Geth to attack another before rushing to her new position.

Draping his arm over her shoulders, Shepard hauled Kaidan up and guided him to a safe cover. Gunshots fired around them, Shepard positioned herself to shield him with her body as they headed to the covered area along the side of the building.

More than a few stray bullets hit her armor, but her shield was still holding when they reached the cover. Shepard gently lowered him onto the ground and checked for his injuries. Blood poured from the gunshot wound on his left shoulder, Shepard quickly reached for the medi-gel to stop the bleeding.

Kaidan's eyes struggled to open. Masking her fear and distress, she met his unfocused gaze with a forced smile. “You're gonna be okay...”

“...Ash?” Kaidan asked coarsely.

Shepard froze at that name. A bullet through her heart would probably be less painful than hearing this question. Especially from him. She could feel the trembling inside of her but Shepard refused to break down.

Shepard swallowed hard before she could answer, “We'll get her.” She steeled herself then refocused on applying the much needed medi-gel on him.

Despite being severely weakened by his injuries, Kaidan seemed to be able to see through her lies. He looked at her with an expression she had never seen on him. Was it remorse or... hatred?

Shepard felt another stab in her heart.

“Don't lie to me...” His voice might be weak, but she could feel every bit of anger behind it.

Shepard couldn't bring herself to answer. She couldn't even bring herself to look at him. Instead, she concentrated on the torn flesh and the medi-gel in her hands, and stubbornly focused on one single thought inside her head: She had to stop the bleeding until they could send him back to the Normandy for a proper surgery to remove the bullet.

“...Why?” he breathed out one simple word.

That one word was enough to send a sharp jolt down her spine. Shepard bit her lower lip hard enough to draw blood, keeping it from trembling. She couldn't risk looking at him or else the emotion floodgate she had tried so hard to maintain would crumble. But she could feel those once loving eyes on her profile, demanding an answer she couldn't provide.

Shepard couldn't take it anymore.

“Liara!” Shepard called out after sealing the wound.

The doctor lifted three Geth in the air with her biotics for Wrex to shoot before she rushed to Shepard's side. “How's Kaidan?”

Shepard's face was perfectly masked by then. “Biotic overexertion. Gunshot wound on his shoulder. Bleeding is stopped for now,” she answered with her tone flat and detached. “Stay with the lieutenant. I'll help them with the Geth.”

“Of course.”

With her blood-soaked hands, she reached for her rifle once more and rushed back onto the battlefield without sparing a glance back. Shepard didn't need to look back to know that Kaidan had been staring at her retreating form, full of questions, guilt, and perhaps even hatred. 

She had enough of guilt and hatred for herself to last a lifetime. She didn't need his.

Not right now.

 

* * *

 

Shepard couldn't believe her eyes when she spotted a turian on a hover platform, descending from the sky after the last Geth was down.

Saren was here?

Before she could take a closer look to confirm his identity, the turian fired a series of biotic attacks right at her.

Cursing out loud, Shepard barely rolled out of harm's way and leaped into a cover.

She peeked out and unloaded a few rounds at the approaching turian. His shield deflected every single bullet, but during that few seconds of aiming, Shepard noticed something extremely disturbing: Saren appeared to be more than just a turian, he was half-machine, almost Geth-like.

What the hell had he done to himself?

“I applaud you, Shepard,” said Saren. “My Geth were utterly convinced the salarians were the real threat. An impressive diversion. Of course, it was all for nothing. I can't let you disrupt what I have accomplished here. You can't possibly understand what's really at stake.”

As much as she wanted to murder Saren, Shepard needed answers. Dead people couldn't talk. “Why are you doing this?” Shepard demanded sharply.

“You've seen the vision from the beacons, Shepard. You, of all people, should understand what the Reapers are capable of. They cannot be stopped.”

Everything from her recurring nightmares came crashing through, her visions flashed inside her head. The helplessness, the powerlessness, the inevitable doom. Could Saren be right? The Reapers couldn't be stopped?

No... No. Absolutely not.

Everything could be destroyed. There had to be a way.

“Do not mire yourself in pointless revolt,” Saren continued. “Do not sacrifice everything for the sake of petty freedoms. The Protheans tried to fight, and they were utterly destroyed.”

_We are NOT the Protheans_ , Shepard told herself.

“Trillions dead. But what if they had bowed before the invaders?” asked Saren. “Would the Protheans still exit? Is submission not preferable to extinction?”

“I'd rather die than submit! Do you really believe the Reapers will let us live?”

“Now you see why I never came forward with this to the Council,” said Saren. “We organics are driven by emotion instead of logic. We will fight even when we know we cannot win. But if we work with the Reapers – if we make ourselves useful – think how many lives could be spared!”

“And we'd all be slaves!”

“If organic life is to survive, we must also prove we are useful. We _must_ work with the Reapers.”

“Over my dead body! I'll never work with the Reapers!”

“You simply don't understand it yet, Shepard,” Saren said calmly. “Once I understood this, I joined Sovereign, though I was aware of the... dangers. I had hoped this facility could protect me.”

“Sovereign, I met him. Not too impressive,” Shepard lied about the last part. As much as she hated that synthetic bastard in holographic form, she had to admit its real form was quite intimidating. But then, according to both Shiala and Benezia, Sovereign's true power lied within its subtle mind-control, not its size. Then the truth suddenly hit her. “You're afraid Sovereign is influencing you. You're afraid he's controlling your thoughts.”

“I've studied the effects of indoctrination. The more control Sovereign exerts, the less capable the subject becomes. That is my saving grace.”

There it was again, the word 'indoctrination'...

Saren continued, “The Conduit is the key to your destruction and my salvation. Sovereign needs my help to find it. That is the only reason I have not been indoctrinated. My mind is still my own... for now. But the transformation from ally to servant can be subtle. I will not let it happen to me.”

Shepard almost wanted to laugh. “It is happening, can't you see? Sovereign's manipulating you and you don't even know it! You're already under its power!”

“No!” Saren denied. “Sovereign needs me. If I find the Conduit, I've been promised a reprieve from the inevitable. This is my only hope!”

_You are indoctrinated, you idiot!_ “If you're not indoctrinated, prove it! Join me. Together we can stop Sovereign!” said Shepard, giving diplomacy one last chance despite every fiber of her being demanded Saren's head. “We don't have to submit to the Reapers. We can beat them!”

“I no longer believe that, Shepard. The visions cannot be denied. The Reapers are too powerful. The only hope of survival is to join them,” said Saren. “Sovereign is a machine. It thinks like a machine. If I can prove my value, I become a resource worth maintaining. There is no other logical conclusion!”

“Listen to yourself! If you are a resource, you can be replaced!”

“By whom? You?” asked Saren almost incredulously. “You are still fighting your visions, fighting the inevitable.”

“At least I fight to protect the galaxy. You? You broke your vow to defend the galaxy just to save yourself! You were a Spectre, Saren!”

“I'm not doing this for myself! Don't you see? Sovereign will succeed. It is inevitable. My way is the only way any of us will survive!” said Saren. “I'm forging an alliance between us and the Reapers. Between organics and machines. And in doing so, I will save more lives than have ever existed!”

“Bullshit! There has to be another way. You're choosing the easy way out, the only way that would save your own skin! And you are doing it without the permission of every organic you are claiming to save! You might be spared, but what about the rest of us? We don't want to be the indoctrinated mindless slaves of a giant machine!”

“Is that your choice?” asked Saren.

“Yes! I choose freedom and free will any day!”

“You would undo my work, Shepard. You would doom our entire civilization to complete annihilation. And for that, you must die!”

“No, _you_ are dooming us all, you indoctrinated bastard!” Shepard said as she jumped out of cover and fired at Saren. “Take down his shield, now!”

Two overloads executed simultaneously in a satisfying explosion on Saren's shield.

For better or worse, Saren focused his attack solely on Shepard while ignoring her team. He was out for blood.

And so was she.

Saren had to pay for what he had done. To Ashley, to Benezia, to Nihlus, and to everyone he had ever hurt.

“The fuel tanks! Hit those fuel tanks when he's near!” Shepard ordered while she dodge another series of biotic attacks.

While Saren jumped back on his hover platform and reached for his gun, Shepard retaliated and emptied a clip at him, stripping the remaining shield on the former Spectre.

“You want his head, Wrex? Now is a good time!” said Shepard after she had jumped away from Saren's bullets and dodged behind a new cover.

“The kill shot is mine, Shepard!” Garrus reminded her while switching to his sniper rifle.

“I don't freaking care! Just kill him!” Shepard reloaded quickly.

“We'll see who gets him, Vakarian!” said Wrex as he charged towards the rogue Spectre with his shotgun.

Saren floated above the charging krogan, easily dodged the attack. But his rifle suddenly exploded.

“Take that, you bosh'tet!” shouted Tali.

Shepard took that precious second to come out from her cover and fired another clip right at Saren. He should be dead by now, but he wasn't. Instead, his shield seemed to have already regenerated. Whatever upgrades he had gotten from the Geth had made him invincible.

Shepard didn't like this new finding a single bit.

Unfazed by her attack, Saren holstered his rifle and cast a biotic shockwave straight at Shepard. With nowhere else to hide, Shepard was hit by the biotic explosion, stripping her shield down to nothing.

“DAMN IT! Lost shield!” Shepard scrambled to get up before another attack found its way to her.

“Cover Shepard!” Wrex ordered while pumping shots after shots from his shotgun.

Shepard rolled out of the way and dodged behind a cover. Panting heavily, she reloaded her rifle and peeked out from her cover to shoot at Saren, trying to bring down his shield once again. “Overload now!”

Tali's omni-tool lit up, an explosion on Saren's shield was set off almost immediately.

“Take him down, Garrus!” Shepard yelled as she jumped out of her cover, disregarding her lack of shield.

She squeezed her rifle trigger and unloaded a clip at the former Spectre to distract him, buying enough time for Garrus to line up a headshot. Saren, however, fired a biotic blast directly at her, forcing Shepard to cease fire and jump out of the way.

Garrus fired but missed as Saren flew away and headed to Kaidan's direction.

Staying with the lieutenant and guarding him, Liara cast a quick series of biotic attacks at Saren. Yet, the blue energy merely bounced off the turian's armor.

Sheaprd's eyes widened in shock.

Was he really invincible?

Nothing could stop him. The turian headed straight to the asari and injured man, launching another attack from his outreaching hand.

Shepard's breath caught in her throat as she watched in horror.

Glowing as bright as the sky, Liara held up a strong shield around her and the lieutenant just in time to bounce off the incoming attack. But Saren's biotics was shockingly strong, forcing Liara to stumble back and retract her shield.

_No. No. No!_

Perhaps it was just a trap to lure her out of her cover, Shepard didn't have time to think. She had to stop Saren before he could get to Kaidan. She leaped out of her current cover and dashed towards the turian. Saren fired yet another biotic attack. This time, aiming not at Shepard but at her lieutenant.

That split second wasn't enough to think, only barely enough to react. Shepard jumped right in front of the biotic blast to intercept it. She screamed in pain as it hit her squarely on her chest, sending her flying off before she landed roughly on the ground.

Paralyzed by the searing pain shooting through her body, Shepard couldn't move. She could hardly breathe.

“Aerin!” Liara cried.

The turian jumped down from his platform and approached her. Through her blurry vision, Shepard saw him coming, but her muscles didn't respond to her command.

“Stay away from her!” Liara shouted as she unleashed her own biotics on Saren once again to toss him away from Shepard.

Saren merely stopped for a second when the biotic energy hit his shield. Undaunted, the turian reached down and grabbed Shepard by her neck. Shepard's survival instinct kicked in, her muscles responded. She grabbed onto Saren's wrist in an attempt to free herself from his grasp, but his grip was too strong. With his long arm stretched, Saren effortlessly lifted Shepard high up in the air.

Shepard gasped for precious air. But found none.

“Shepard!” Wrex howled.

Nobody dared to attack when Shepard was at Saren's grasp.

Saren tightened his grip, his talons dug painfully into her skin. Just a little more force and her neck would break. She knew it. _He_ knew it.

_No! I can't die!_

Shepard tried to pry his hand away and kick his torso.

_I can't let you kill everyone!_

Dangling above the ground with an iron grip tightening around her neck, everything struggle was futile.

A sudden ear-splitting half-primal, half-mechanical sound coming from above. Saren looked up. Temporarily distracted, his grip was loosened, Shepard balled her fist and landed a right hook right on his face, causing Saren to drop her in surprise.

Shepard could only lie on the ground, gasping for precious air.

Using her biotics, Liara pulled Shepard out of Saren's reach before he could grab her again. With Shepard safely out of range, the team immediately resumed their attack on the former Spectre.

Lying on her back, Shepard could clearly spot what that sound was from, what distracted Saren before he could finish her off.

Floating above the clear blue sky was a giant ship.

It was Sovereign.

As though he was answering his master's call, Saren hopped back onto the hover platform and ascended back to his ship. Getting back on her feet, Shepard picked up her rifle and fired at the retreating turian. But it was too late.

“Damn it! He's getting away!” Garrus pulled the trigger of his sniper rifle with a last attempt to stop Saren. His bullet did hit the other man but it only damaged the shield.

“The bomb! How much time do we have?” asked Tali then checked it herself. “Keelah! We have to get out of here! Where's our ship?!”

With Sovereign gone, the Normandy was finally able to descend for a much needed evacuation.

All the muscles on her body hurt like hell from Saren's attack, but Shepard ignored the pain and rushed back to Kaidan. Leaning against the side of the building, the lieutenant remained unconscious despite the commotion around him. His face was sickly pale, covered with cold sweat, blood dripping from his nose, down to his lips and his chin.

Shepard's heart dropped to her stomach.

“Kaidan,” she called out. “Hey, hey... Wake up. It's over.”

His eyes struggled to open in response.

Fear almost paralyzed her. She couldn't lose him. She could _not_! Shepard absolutely refused to let that happen. “Come on, let's get you to Dr. Chakwas.”

“Ash...” he murmured through his shallow breaths.

The unseen dagger once again stabbed her heart, its blade twisting.

Both guilt and fear threatened to eat her alive. Shepard swallowed hard and shoved all the unwanted emotions away. Right now, she had to focus on one mission – one man.

Draping Kaidan's arm around her shoulders, Shepard wrapped hers around his waist and lifted him up with a grunt. The pain throughout her body was temporarily forgotten.

_I'm sorry, Kaidan. I can never leave you behind._

“Hang in there,” she told him softly as she carried him towards the Normandy.

_I can't lose you. You know I can't do this without you._

“You can hate me all you want. But don't you dare die on me, Lieutenant. That's an order...”

_ I've never told you this, but... _

_ I love you... _

 

* * *

A/N: Believe it or not, it's very draining to write this chapter. Ow... I've been waiting to post this chapter for a long time. Everything you've read so far – the little details that seem irrelevant, relationship/friendship developments – it is all a foundation for the Virmire chapters and its aftermath. Some of you might have high expectation, hope you like it. If not, well, like Kaidan, I gave it my best shot. Please excuse the typos if any, I've been editing this for four days, my eyes are crossed.

It's very long, but I don't want to cut it in two and break the momentum and the flow.

Thanks for reading.


	26. Solace

Disclaimer: All settings and characters belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 25: Solace

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Captain's Cabin

 

_'Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness. It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets. It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.'_

Blue eyes stared blankly at that quote on her omni-tool until words turned into nothing more than a few blurry lines. But Shepard didn't need to read it to know what it said, she had long memorized it. This particular quote had been stored in her omni-tool for years since her mother had passed these words of wisdom to her, words from a wise man who had brightened the lives of many children two hundred years ago. And now, two centuries later, those same words were guiding this lost child beyond the solar system, across the galaxy.

_'It takes strength to acknowledge our anger... It takes strength to face our sadness... It takes strength to reach out for comfort.'_

It was that strength Shepard desperately needed, and one that she sorely lacked right now.

Leaning back on her chair, Shepard shut her eyes and ordered the pain throughout her body to go away. The arching muscles and bones were not enough to distract her from the agony she was going through inside. Having someone died under her command was never easy. This time, it was even harder. This time, she had a choice.

Ashley's blood was on her hands.

Unconsciously, Shepard stared at her own hands. Still wearing her armor, she noticed her gauntlets were coated with blood that had been dried. The blood, however, wasn't Ashley's, it was Kaidan's.

Shepard had left the lieutenant with Dr. Chakwas and had not returned to the Med Bay since. She couldn't bring herself to face Kaidan, to face the questions she knew he would ask. Not yet. But when would she ever be ready?

A soft knock on the door stole her attention, offering her a temporary distraction from her never-ending guilt. Liara stepped in, looking exhausted.

There was one question on her mind, yet Shepard found it hard to ask. She was almost too afraid to find out. Almost. But even at her weakest, most vulnerable moment, Aerin Shepard was not a coward.

“How's the lieutenant?” Shepard asked quietly.

“Stabilized.”

That one word relieved her of all the weight on her shoulders. Shepard let out a deep sigh and slumped back onto her chair with her eyes shut.

“Dr. Chakwas removed the bullet from his shoulder,” Liara continued. “There is no permanent damage on his brain. He is still unconscious from the surgery, but he'll recover.”

_He'll recover, and he'll hate me._ Shepard didn't say a word.

She felt a hand on her shoulder and opened her eyes. Liara looked straight into her, full of concern. “Aerin, you should go see Dr. Chakwas.”

“I'm fine, Liara.”

The doctor wasn't convinced. “Saren's biotics was stronger than anything I've seen from a turian. He hit you twice with it.”

“I'll go see Chakwas later.”

Liara studied her curiously. “Are you avoiding the lieutenant?”

It took Shepard a few seconds to answer. “I have a feeling I'm not the first person he wants to see when he wakes up.”

“I disagree,” said Liara. “If you saved my life, you're the first person I wanted to see.”

“Ashley died because of me, Liara. They were close.”

“She died because of Saren, not you, Aerin.”

“ _I_ made that choice. Not Saren.”

“You made the right choice. You had to secure the bomb and destroy the facility.” Liara shook her head. “We were all there with you, we saw what happened. If you didn't go back to Kaidan, the Geth would have killed him and disarmed the bomb before it went off.”

Was that the only reason behind her decision? Would she have saved Kaidan even if he wasn't with the bomb? Shepard didn't want to think.

“Before the surgery, Kaidan was conscious for a short moment,” the asari doctor told her. “He only said one word: Aerin. We told him you were safe and he passed out.” Liara paused to give her a wistful smile. “Go to him, Aerin. He needs you.”

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Med Bay

 

For once, Shepard dragged her heels when she approached her lieutenant. She had no idea how she would face Kaidan once he woke up. She knew underneath Kaidan's calm and professional exterior lied a very passionate soul who cared deeply about the things he loved, the people he loved. And Shepard also knew among the people on his list, Ashley was definitely one of them.

They had shared a bond, Kaidan and Ashley, even though at times they were polar opposites of each other. Kaidan had taken her under his wings, to some extent, and had often offered professional advices to the chief, while Ashley had returned the favor by offering advices in social departments. More than a few times, Shepard had found herself biting her tongue to stop laughing when the chief had schooled the lieutenant on the topics about the opposite sex.

And now, that was a thing of the past.

Shepard stopped a few steps away from Kaidan's bedside. A blanket covered up to his bare chest, leaving his now-bandaged wound clear in view. For a long silent moment, Shepard stood and watched his chest rose and fell with each breath he took. Inside her head was another image, one which he lied motionless, his chest still with no breath taken – one which he was dead.

Just how close was that image from becoming reality? One single decision from her could have changed Kaidan's life as well as Ashley's.

No one should ever have that power. No one should ever make that decision.

Shepard took a deep breath and steeled herself. The decision had been made, and it was the right decision to protect the bomb. Even if she had a do-over, she would make the same choice. But that thought didn't bring her any comfort.

Ashley's blood was on her hands. And that was the price she had to pay to save Kaidan, to save the bomb.

She should go before he woke up. Shepard knew she wasn't the person he would want to see when he first opened his eyes. She wouldn't blame Kaidan if he hated her. No, she would never blame him for anything. And he had the right to hate her for Ashley's death, after all, it was her decision, her choice, and her responsibility.

Her gaze once again landed on the unconscious man – the man she had protected with her own life.

The heart-stopping fear she had experience when his life was on the line was not something she could ever forget. Against her better judgment, she had come to care about him a lot more than she should. Would she had saved him if he wasn't with the bomb? Deep down, she knew the answer, and it was one she was not proud of, and one Kaidan would not approval.

Shepard let out a heavy sigh.

The emotional floodgate she had put up since Virmire already had more than a few cracks, and the longer she stayed with Kaidan, the more unstable it had became. Shepard quickly retreated back to her comfort zone and focused on her current mission. She had a report to write, a ship to run, and a madman to hunt. But first, perhaps she should change out of her armor and take a shower. Shepard wasn't looking forward seeing the bruises on her torso and her back, or discovering a broken rib or two. Her armor had done its job compressing her muscles to minimize the pain, yet the pain was getting worse by the minute.

Ignoring her discomfort, Shepard took a step closer and stood by Kaidan's bedside.

“Hey... I know you can't hear me, but I just want to tell you I'm sorry, I couldn't save Ash...” She paused, feeling incredibly stupid for confessing to an unconscious audience. Yet, at the same time, it felt strangely liberating. What harm could it do?

Peeling off her gauntlets, Shepard reached out to touch the side of his face gently. “You probably hate me right now, but...” Shepard took a deep breath and blurted out, “I love you, Kaidan, and I need you. I don't want to lose you. Think you'll ever forgive me?”

Kaidan stirred, and Shepard froze.

 

* * *

 

Following the light at the end of a dark tunnel would lead us to afterlife, or so he had heard. When Kaidan struggled to open his eyes, the first thing he saw was light. Through his blurry vision, he saw nothing but white light.

Then he saw a face. Although that white light was shining from behind it, casting heavy shadow upon the features, he recognized that beautiful face instantly. If this was his heaven, of course Shepard would be here.

Kaidan felt strangely peaceful.

But that peacefulness was short-lived. When he reached out to touch her, a sudden pain shot from his arm up to his shoulder – pain he should not have felt if he was dead. Kaidan felt a warm hand holding his to keep it from moving.

“Try not to move,” said Shepard. “You just got out of surgery.”

_Surgery?_ Kaidan was disoriented. The pain he felt was real, so was the hand holding onto his. _I'm alive?_ His chest expanded involuntarily to take a breath of cool air. That answered his question.

“You're safe,” Shepard told him. “Back on the Normandy.”

_Normandy... Virmire..._

Even though his throat was dry, his tongue felt numb, Kaidan managed to make a sound, “...bomb?”

“It went off. The facility is destroyed.”

_If I'm alive, then..._

“...Ash...” he made another sound in a whisper.

All of a sudden, Shepard withdrew her hand from his. Her warmth left him in an instant. For a long moment, Shepard remained as still and cold as an ice sculpture. Kaidan wondered if she could hear him. But before he could ask again, the commander shook her head stiffly.

_Oh god, no..._ Kaidan squeezed his eyes shut and took a ragged breath at the news – a breath that should not have been taken. He should have been dead by now. Yet, he wasn't. He was once again back on the Normandy, back to where he belonged.

Ashley, on the other hand...

“I'll tell them you're awake.” She turned and left before he could find his voice once again.

_Aerin, what have you done?_ Kaidan stared at the close door, torn between guilt and gratitude for the fact that he survived. He was alive, but at what cost?

The cost of another life – the life of a good friend.

_Why didn't you listen to me, Shepard?_

Although no doubt he was heavily medicated, he could feel the pain building on the inside. Pain that could not be dulled by any medication. Pain that was brought by the simple fact that he was alive. Pain that led to one ultimate question.

_Why me, Commander, why not her?_  


* * *

  


Sitting on the bed, Kaidan held back a wince as Dr. Chakwas re-applied bandages on his shoulder after an examination.

“That should do it,” said the doctor. “No major damage on your muscles and tissues. You'll recover in no time. As for your biotics, I've run a scan on your brain. There's no permanent damage, but I suggest you to keep your biotics offline for at least a few days.”

“...Thanks,” said Kaidan quietly.

The doctor studied him with her keen eyes. “Kaidan, I know this is hard on you. What you are going through is survivor's guilt. Like physical traumas, emotional ones will take time to heal. Right now, you need to focus on getting better. The commander needs you.”

_Aerin..._

“Stay here and get some rest, Lieutenant.”

Kaidan didn't know how much time had passed before Shepard stepped into the Med Bay, all he knew was he couldn't take his mind off Virmire, off Ashley. When Shepard came in, he noticed she was still in her armor. Her face was pale, her expression blank.

“Finally, there you are, Commander,” said the doctor, looking up from her desk.

“You wanted to see me?” asked the commander.

“For a few hours now, yes,” said Chakwas. “I believe I've sent various members of your crew to go get you.”

“They told me. I got your message.”

“I was about to issue a direct order as your physician to have you report to the Med Bay.”

Shepard didn't answer, instead she asked, “How's the lieutenant?”

“No permanent damage on his brain. His biotics needs to be offline for at least a few days. Gunshot wound on his shoulder will be healed without complications. Overall, Lieutenant Alenko is in remarkable shape considering what he had gone through.”

Shepard merely nodded without looking at him.

“You, on the other hand...” Chakwas gave the commander a look of disapproval. “You haven't checked in since you came back, you haven't even changed out of your suit.”

Shepard just shrugged. “I'm fine.”

“Let me be the judge of that. It's your turn, Commander. Have a seat over here,” said Chakwas. “You know the drill.”

Shepard obliged and sat on a bed next to his with her back facing him. She quickly and quietly stripped off her armor piece by piece. Lying down on his back, Kaidan politely averted his eyes and retreated back into his own thoughts.

Why did she come back to save him? Why didn't she go get Ashley? Those were the question he had asked himself over and over again. He recalled barely holding onto his biotic shield, then suddenly Shepard had appeared next to him. He remembered wondering if his mind had conjured up a image of the woman he loved before his impending death. Now he knew it was not a hallucination, it was Shepard playing that hero she was born to play. But the hero had arrived at the wrong location, saving the wrong person. Against his advice, against his wish, Shepard had come for him, at the expense of Ashley's life.

Why him? Why not her?

Kaidan shut his eyes and frowned harshly. He could feel a headache building.

It was Chakwas' question that pulled him out of his misery. “What happened to your neck?” asked the doctor.

“Saren tried to choke me to death,” Shepard answered flatly. “Grabbed me by the neck and lifted me up.”

_What?_ Kaidan's eyes snapped open in horror.

Kaidan resisted the temptation to turn his head and look. From the corner of his eye, he noticed the doctor reached behind Shepard's neck to feel her spine before tilting the commander's head up to take a closer look at her neck. “Bruises and cuts only. You are lucky, Commander. A turian's grip could be strong enough to snap your neck.”

“He almost did,” said Shepard with a detached voice, as though she was telling someone else's story. “I managed to punch his face when he was distracted.”

Kaidan's stomach dropped. Did he almost lose her?

The doctor shook her head before checking Shepard's spine for further damage. “Dr. T'Soni informed me that you had been hit by biotics twice.”

Shepard made a noncommittal sound.

“I believe she identified them as warp and shockwave.”

“Shockwave first, stripped my shield. Warp later on,” Shepard reported dutifully. Her voice was still void of emotions.

_Oh god..._ Kaidan frowned at the news.

Curious, he turned and glanced over and saw Shepard still sitting on the bed with her bare back facing him. And there is was, a bruise peeking from the waistband of her pants, extended from her hips through her narrow waist, up to her shoulder blades. The built-up blood formed a pattern ranging from deep red to dark pink under her pale skin.

Kaidan winced in pain.

“He hit you hard,” Chakwas commented as she examined the commander's front torso.

“Direct hit,” said Shepard who suddenly drew a sharp breath and muffled a scream.

Kaidan winced again.

“On the scale of one to ten, how much did that hurt?” asked the doctor as she moved her hands away from Shepard's stomach.

“Mm... Four?” Shepard panted.

“If it's any other patient, the answer would be eleven. I'll run a scan to make sure there's no broken ribs or organ damage.” The doctor shook her head again with a sigh then reached for her equipment to run a full scan on the commander. “Did Saren catch you by surprise?”

“No. I saw it coming.”

_Why didn't you dodge?_ Kaidan frowned in confusion. It didn't make any sense to him. Shepard would never make that mistake, Kaidan knew, especially not with her shield disabled.

Dr. Chakwas voiced his question, “You're not a cadet, Commander. You had to know what a biotic warp would do to you without your shield.”

To that, the commander didn't answer.

_It could have killed you!_ Kaidan took a deep breath and looked away. _What were you thinking, Aerin?_

The doctor finished the scan. “You're lucky there's no organ damage or bone fracture. But there's internal bleeding due to blunt force trauma. For now, surgery is not required, but observation is needed. I'll give you something for the pain meanwhile.”

“So can I go now?” asked Shepard flatly as she put her shirt back on.

“Observation, Commander,” Chakwas repeated.

“I'll check in a few times a day.”

“Do I need to order you to get some rest?”

“I can't sleep. Might as well finish the report to the Council.”

“The Council can wait for a few hours,” said Chakwas. “As the ship doctor, your well-being is my responsibility. You have been under too much stress--”

“I'm fine, Doctor,” Shepard cut her off, her voice sharpened a notch.

“Your vital readings say otherwise. Your stress level is too high. You need to relax and rest, Commander.”

“I can't relax when Saren's still out there!”

The doctor shook her head and remained calm. “Right now, what you need is to recover. If you're not at your best you can't defeat an enemy like Saren. What happened on Virmire was unfortunate. But for your own sake, you have to let it go, Shepard.”

Shepard remained quiet.

“If you need help with your insomnia--”

“No,” said the commander quickly. “...I'll try to get some sleep. Thanks...”

Chakwas nodded. “If I release you from the Med Bay, no doubt you'll be running around the ship. Stay here, Commander, and get some rest for a few hours.” The doctor then came to him and checked the readings on the machine by his bedside. She gave him a knowing looking and shook her head after reading the recorded data of his vitals. “That goes for you as well, Lieutenant. Get some rest, that's an order from the doctor for both of you.”

It was almost as if Shepard didn't notice him until now. She turned her head slightly but never looked at him. Chakwas lowered the light setting and exited the Med Bay. And suddenly there was nothing but dead silence in the room. The only sound was the faint noise as Shepard shifted to lie down on her back. For the longest time, neither of them said a word.

Gone was the comfortable and warm silence they used to share. An icy cold one had settled between them. One burning question had been haunting him and Kaidan couldn't hold back any longer. He needed an answer or he would explode. Kaidan glanced over and noticed Shepard was wide awake, staring at the ceiling.

“...Why me?” he asked quietly, breaking the icy silence. “Why not her?”

For a long moment, Shepard didn't move, nor did she even blink. If it wasn't for the slight rise and fall of her chest, she would be as still as a statue.

“Why didn't you save Williams?”

Her chest rose higher as she finally blinked. “My mission on Virmire was to stop Saren, whatever his plan was,” Shepard started in the same flat tone she had given Chakwas. “His plan was--”

“I know what his plan was!”

“Then you know we had to destroy the facility before he could have his army of krogan slaves,” said Shepard, her gaze stubbornly remained on the ceiling.

“Of course I know!” Kaidan couldn't believe she was pulling this type of bullshit on him. “I armed the bomb. You could have saved Ash and left with the Normandy!”

Shepard's eyes shut as her chest once again rose high with a deep breath.

Kaidan waited for an answer, but there was none.

“Why didn't you go to Ash?” Kaidan asked once more. He didn't know why he needed to hear the answer. Was it to give himself some much needed closure? Or to ease his biting guilt? “Answer me,” he pushed.

Blue eyes snapped open and Shepard turned to face him. Her expression was one he had never seen. Her eyes were cold, her voice even colder. “I am a Spectre, Lieutenant! I've sworn an oath to protect the galaxy. And it's my duty to do so. Whatever it takes.”

Her tone sent a chill up his spine.

“The bomb was vital to the mission,” Shepard continued. There was not a trace of emotion on her face or her voice. “It's my duty to make sure it would go off as planned. I went back to guard the bomb, to kill every Geth that tried to disarm it. It worked. Unfortunately, Saren escaped, but he no longer has the cure for genophage or an army of krogan slaves.”

Kaidan scowled at her answer. “That's it?”

“Billions of lives out there in the galaxy hinge upon the success of the mission that has been assigned to me by the Council. I CANNOT fail.”

He didn't know what he expected to hear, or what he expected from her. But he knew her well enough to know she was hiding – hiding from the truth, hiding from him. Deep down, he knew the reason why he was still here, the reason why she had chosen him, and it was not just because of the bomb.

“But that's not all, was it?” he asked with his tone softened, trying to bypass the commander to get to his Aerin.

Something in her eyes shifted. But Shepard quickly broke the gaze and took another deep breath and shifted to rest on her back once again, effectively indicating the end of their conversation.

Taking a ragged breath to fight the dizziness, Kaidan pressed on. “If Williams was with the bomb, would I still be here?”

There was pause before her icy voice answered, “She was not with the bomb. You were.”

“Was it really just because of the bomb? Look at me and answer me just once and I'll leave you alone.”

Shepard covered her eyes with her hand without giving an answer. When Kaidan noticed she was biting her lower lip to keep it from trembling, he couldn't possibly feel more terrible.

Ignoring the pain, he pushed himself up, trying to reach out to her. “Aerin...”

Shepard suddenly bolted up and looked straight at him. Blue eyes turned glassy and red. “It was either you or Ash!” said Shepard in rare exasperation. “And I had less than a few seconds to decide. How was I supposed to choose? I could never leave you behind!”

There it was, the answer he had known deep down now laid right in front of him, clearly and painfully. And the truth hurt like hell. “So that's it? Ash died because of us? How could you do that?!”

“I had to make a choice, Kaidan! Ashley died because of my decision, and I have to live with it for the rest of my life! I can't lose you, damn it, I love you!”

That hit him hard. Was he blinded by so much pain and became too selfish to see that she was suffering as much as he was right now, if not more? He wasn't angry with Shepard, he was angry with himself. She had saved his life, and in return, he had hurt her.

And she loved him. How could he do that to her?

The agony on her face was almost too much for him to bear. “Aerin, I--”

“What would you have done if I was with the bomb and you could only save one?” asked Shepard quietly, but he could hear her voice was on the verge of breaking.

Kaidan was utterly blindsided by that question.

Without waiting for his answer, Shepard jumped out of the bed.

“Hey! Where are you going?”

“The last thing you need is to start a fight with me.” Shepard headed for the door. “You need to rest.”

“Aerin, wait...”

Shepard paused. When she turned to face him, her expression once again turned icy cold. “You're off-duty until you've fully recovered, Lieutenant. That's an order.” With that, she exited the Med Bay.

Kaidan let out a heavy sigh and rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand, wishing his headache would leave him alone for now. Shepard's last question echoed through his mind. What would he have done if he had to choose between Shepard and Williams? He knew his answer immediately. Kaidan had always thought he could separate his feelings from his duties. But now, he wasn't so sure anymore.

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1, Captain's Cabin

 

Shutting down her emotions was easy when there was work needed to be done. The ability to compartmentalize their feelings was a crucial key to being a successful professional soldier, and Shepard had always excelled at it. Now, with the report sent, there was nothing else left to distract her except for one last task, a task she had been putting off: She had to inform Ashley's family what had happened to their beloved daughter and sister.

Ashley had died on her watch, the Williams family deserved an answer from her. But what could she tell them, especially Mrs. Williams? That she had made the call to ensure the mission was a success instead of saving her daughter? That she had chosen to save the best biotic in the Alliance instead of the gunnery chief?

Telling them the truth – however embellished Shepard could make it sound – would not give the grieving family any comfort. But would the standard 'your daughter had given her life as a hero to protect the galaxy' bring less pain to everyone?

Shepard doubted it.

The truth was often ugly, the key was to delivery it artfully, Shepard knew. Yet her mind went blank as she stared at the terminal on her desk.

Shepard covered her face with both her hands, temporarily relieving herself from the reality. Sometimes, even the Commander Shepard needed a place to hide.

There was a knocked on the door before it slid open. Shepard cursed silently at the intrusion but didn't bother to look up from her hands. Who else would dare to disturb her right now?

“I've seen Dr. Chakwas, Liara,” Shepard mumbled. “She said I'm fine.”

“She also ordered you to rest in the Med Bay,” said a slightly raspy yet soothing voice, a male one.

Startled, Shepard dropped her hands and glanced up. Through her slightly blurry vision, she saw Kaidan standing next to her desk with a mug in his hand.

Shepard had to blink hard to make sure she wasn't seeing things. The lieutenant was the last person she expected to see. Was he here to interrogate her some more?

She was already over-dosed with guilt. Her heart had been broken, she didn't need him to pulverize it further.

“You're supposed to be in the Med Bay,” she reminded him, keeping her tone flat to suppress any emotions threatening to break through due to his presence.

“So are you,” he responded calmly.

She kept her gaze on the keyboard of her terminal. “You almost died on me. You should be in the Med Bay. How's your headache?” she shouldn't even ask, but she did.

“No worse than the pain from your internal bleeding, I suppose...”

There was something in his quiet tone that chipped away her defense at a rapid speed. She wanted him to leave – no, she _needed_ him to leave before she lost control of her emotions once again. “Your job right now is to get better, Lieutenant.”

“So is yours, Commander.” He put down the mug in front of her.

Shepard could smell it before she looked at the content. It was a cup of hot chocolate. For a moment, Shepard could only stare at it, trying her best to stand firm against the assault of a sudden flood of emotions. He was making it extremely hard for her to keep her composure.

“Got it from the Citadel after you told me about it that night,” Kaidan explained quietly. “Thought it might come in handy, you know, when you're hurt...”

Shepard swallowed hard to loosen a lump in her throat before she brought cup to her lips and took a sip. The steam and the smell of the chocolate was soothing, hot liquid smooth and sweet. She closed her eyes and let the sweetness of the chocolate take over the pain and bitterness she was feeling inside. For a few seconds, she could almost pretend she was back to her childhood, that she was just an Alliance brat pretending to be a hero to save the galaxy, that even if she failed to save the galaxy today, she could always start a new game tomorrow.

As a kid, nobody would die in her game.

As a soldier, people died on her watch.

And today, she had directly order the death of a friend. No amount of chocolate could coat that bitterness. Still, Kaidan's effort was touching.

Shepard opened her eyes once again and took another sip. She didn't need to look up to know that Kaidan's eyes had never left her.

“Thanks,” she started quietly.

“Anything for you.” He took a step closer and leaned against the desk to face her. “Look, I'm sorry about what I just said. I was being an idiot, I shouldn't push you.”

“It's okay. You don't have to apologize. You deserve some answers.” She put the mug down and stared blankly at the hot liquid. “...I'm sorry about just now. I didn't mean to blow up like that...”

“Remember I told you that you don't have to hide from me? Good or bad.”

“And now you've seen the bad.” A corner of her lips made an attempt to quirk up. “You should be running the other way. The exit is behind you.”

“But I'm still here.” Kaidan put a hand on the side of her face and gently tilted it up to make her look at him. “If you want to get rid of me, you have to try harder. Much harder.”

She could only look at him, touched beyond words. Unknowingly, he had landed another major blow on her emotional floodgate, cracking it open further. Shepard took a deep breath to compose herself.

He brushed a strand of her hair off her forehead. “We're good?”

“You don't hate me?”

Kaidan shook his head in disbelief as though it was the most ridiculous question. “I could never hate you, Aerin. I... How could you even think that?”

Shepard dropped her gaze. “...I hate myself,” she confessed. In front of him, she didn't have to hide.

“It's not your fault.”

“Wasn't it?”

“It's not your fault,” he repeated. “You did what had to be done. No one should ever be forced to make that choice. I'm sorry you had to do it.”

His understanding, his empathy, it was almost too much for her to handle. Shepard kept her gaze down and gathered all her strength to maintain her composure. But it was a losing battle.

There was a slight pause before he stated quietly, “I'm... grateful that I'm still alive.”

Taking another deep breath, Shepard pushed herself off from the chair and faced the man she had been avoiding. “You know I can never do anything to hurt you...”

“Yeah, I know... You'd rather throw yourself in front of a warp with no shield to save my ass.”

Shepard stared at him, startled.

“I asked Liara. She told me what happened. You shouldn't do that.”

“He was firing at you, I didn't have time to think. You wouldn't survive a biotic attack.”

“Now you're hurt because of me...”

“It's not your fault, Kaidan. It's Saren's. He's using you to get to me.”

“Ashley's death is not your fault, either. It's Saren's.”

He had her trapped. She knew he was right, that Liara was right, that Chakwas was right. Shepard had to let it go, but it was easier said than done.

Kaidan touched the strangle marks on her neck gently. “I'll make Saren pay for this, and everything he has ever done to you, to Ash, and to everyone else,” he vowed quietly, yet there was an undercurrent in his otherwise calm voice.

If she had made a different call, it would have been Ashley standing right here instead. And she would have lost Kaidan forever. That was the choice she had made, one she knew would haunt her for a long time to come. Shepard bit her lip and swallowed hard. Her eyes stung but there was no tears. Her chest tightened but she refused to cry. Ashley wouldn't want that from her commander.

_I'm sorry, Ash. I'm sorry._

Kaidan put both hands on her shoulders, his touch was warm and very comforting. She didn't resist when he pull her in for a hug. “We'll get back at Saren,” he promised her. “Ash would like that.”

Resting her head on his shoulder, Shepard closed her eyes before a tear could form. She drew a breath to steady her voice before she could whisper, “Yeah, she would...”

“To answer your question, I would have made the same decision. I don't want to lose you.”

Her body trembled slightly as the last line of her defense was being stripped one word at a time, leaving her more vulnerable than ever. His arms tightened around her, holding her closer.

“When I was protecting the bomb, all I could think about was you,” he told her in a voice as quiet as a whisper, “about the things I should have told you, but never did. I don't want to have anymore regrets...” Then, there was a kiss on the top of her head. “...I love you.”

His words finally drove her over the edge. The emotional barrier she had been trying so hard to maintain now crumbled into dust. She could only cling onto him, as if holding onto her dear life. Against her own will, she felt something trickled down her cheek. For the first time in many years, Shepard shed a tear in front of someone else. For once, she had someone to lean on, someone to share her pain.

_'It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to. It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.'_

Through Kaidan Alenko, Aerin Shepard had found that strength.

And through him, she had finally found her solace.

 

* * *

 

A/N: The opening quote was by Fred Rogers, aka Mr. Rogers from “Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.” Thanks for reading.

  



	27. Shepard's Six

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 26: Shepard's Six

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Med Bay Lab

The Adept

 

Round blue eyes snapped open, Liara gasped softly. Meditation always helped her clear her head. And with clear mind, mental knots could easily be untied. Such as this particular one. How could she not think of it sooner? She had to find Shepard.

Lucky for her, she didn't need to search the entire ship to locate the commander, she only needed to step out of the lab. Shepard was already in the Medical Bay with Dr. Chakwas and Kaidan.

The doctor was running a scan on the lieutenant while the commander was straightening her shirt. “Hey Liara,” said Shepard when she noticed her.

Liara probably should ask the commander about her latest examination with the doctor, but this was not the time for pleasantries. “Aerin, can I speak to you for a moment?”

“Of course.”

“The beacon you've found in Saren's base was similar to the one you've found on Eden Prime, wasn't it?”

Shepard nodded to confirm.

“Then it may have filled in the missing pieces of your vision. I might be able to help you put all those pieces together.”

“You want to join our minds again, don't you?” asked Shepard. There was a slight pause, but the commander agreed, “Okay, go ahead.”

“Relax, Aerin.” Liara stepped closer to the commander, who had closed her eyes and anticipated the next step. “Embrace eternity!”

Shepard's will was strong; Liara had to put all her focus in penetrating the commander's mind. What she had never told Shepard was that the commander was the first person she had ever joined her mind with. Even with the commander's willing cooperation, slipping through Shepard's instinctive mental defense had proven to be a challenge. With sheer luck, Liara had managed to navigate inside Shepard's mind last time they had joined. This time, although slightly easier with previous experience under her belt, it was still a highly difficult task. And to search for the vision among all of Shepard's thoughts without invading the commander's privacy was almost impossible for an inexperience asari like herself.

Liara wished she could apologize to Shepard for the inevitable intrusion. Perhaps after everything was settled, she might find a chance to talk to the commander.

At last, she found the new vision among a sea of information. Liara absorbed every single bit of details in complete awe. During all her years in researching the Protheans, she had never thought she would see them, hear them, and witness their destruction as if she were living in their time fifty thousand years ago.

And because of Shepard, she had the chance to experience the long lost past not once, but twice.

Reluctantly, Liara disconnected from Shepard's mind once the vision was over.

Suddenly, she was back in the cool Medical Bay. The reality seemed dull comparing to the vision. “Incredible! I... I'd never thought the images would be so intense. I need a moment to collect myself...” Liara panted, trying to sort out everything she had seen inside Shepard's mind.

“You all right, Liara?” asked Kaidan who was already at Shepard's side.

“Yes...” Liara took a breath to steady herself. “The vision... It's a distress call.”

“Distress call?” asked Shepard with a slight frown of confusion.

“Yes. It's a message sent out across the Prothean empire,” Liara explained. “A warning against the Reapers, but the warning came too late.”

The commander shared a look with the lieutenant then asked, “What about the Conduit?”

“There were other images,” said Liara, trying to recall the vision. “Locations, places I recognized from my research...” And then it clicked inside her head. That's it! “Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos! That is why Saren wanted to find the Mu Relay. It is the only way to get to Ilos!”

“Ilos?” asked Shepard.

“I don't think I've heard of it,” said Kaidan.

Shepard shrugged. “Me neither. Not surprising. No one has been there for four thousand years ever since the Mu Relay was knocked out of position.”

“You sure it's Ilos?” asked the lieutenant.

Liara nodded with certainty. “I'm certain, Kaidan. I recognize the images as landmarks on Ilos.”

“Then we need to get to Ilos,” the commander declared. “If the Conduit is there, then that's where Saren is headed. And I'll be waiting for him when he gets there.”

Perhaps it was the joining, or perhaps it was the sheer exhilaration that they were heading to a lost Prothean world, Liara suddenly felt the room spinning around her.

Shepard reached out to steady her. “You okay?”

“I'm sorry, the joining is exhausting,” Liara explained. “I should lie down for a moment.”

“Maybe Dr. Chakwas should take a look at you,” Kaidan suggested.

“That's not necessary, Kaidan, but thank you,” said Liara. “I'll be fine.”

Shepard led her to the nearest bed before exiting the Medical Bay with her lieutenant. Lying down with her eyes closed, Liara took several deep breath to calm her mind. She had read all about Ilos and seen pictures of its magnificent cities during the golden age of the Prothean empire. Never had she thought she would have a chance to set foot on the lost planet that had been missing for four thousand years. And to think she might even uncover some mysteries behind this lost world, Liara could hardly contain the excitement.

Her mother would be proud.

_Goddess, please watch after us and guide us safely to this lost planet._

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Living Quarters

The Sentinel

 

Stepping out of the Med Bay with Shepard, Kaidan didn't need to glance over to know there was a fire in the commander's eyes. The fact that Saren had slipped through her grasp had been bothering Shepard. And now, with the new information, she would jump at the chance to eliminate the threat to the galaxy once and for all. It had gone beyond her duty as a Spectre; it had become personal ever since Virmire, ever since Ashley's death.

And Kaidan wholeheartedly agreed with Shepard; he wanted to get back at Saren as much as she did. Yet, after facing Saren for the first time in Virmire, he knew defeating the turian wouldn't be as easy as they had thought.

Kaidan pondered for a second. “We need backup on this one, Aerin.”

Although Shepard seemed to be deeply absorbed in thought, Kaidan knew she was listening.

He continued, “Saren is hell-bent on bringing back the Reapers. He'd be expecting you and probably have his entire fleet orbiting on the planet. We wouldn't even be able to touch down on the surface with just the Normandy. We need the Council's fleet.”

“Yeah, I agree.” Her tone was quiet as she admitted her concern. “You think the Council will finally listen to me?” Shepard asked as she headed up the stairs with him.

“Unless they all wanted to die, they'd better listen.” There was no one around. Kaidan reached out to take her hand in his. “Hey...”

Shepard paused. Blue eyes looked up at him in a questioning gaze.

“You've done everything you could, and you've built a solid case. Once you've delivered everything, the Council would have to mobilize around us. There's no reason for them not to listen to you this time.”

“Except for the fact that they don't like me to start with.”

“What's not to like?”

Although Shepard gave him a look, that hint of smile played on her lips was unmistakable.

“They should be glad to have you on their side.” He pulled her closer to him. “You've been at the forefront even back at the Blitz. You'd probably get another Star of Terra out of this.”

“No thanks. I hate ceremonies.” She made a face. “All I want is Saren's head and a shore leave afterward.”

“You'll get both. I'll make sure of that.” He shook his head with a chuckle. Turning down a Star of Terra? Only Shepard would do that. “You know, I don't think I've ever met another woman like you.”

“You'd better not,” Shepard warned jokingly with a fake glare as she tightened her fingers around his. “I don't like competition.”

That amused him more than it should. “You don't seem to be the jealous type.”

“Only when it comes to you.” After shooting a quick glance behind them, Shepard leaned over and whispered in his ear, “You're mine, Alenko.”

Those four words were already enough to make him weak at the knees. And, to his pleasant surprise, he felt her lips pressed softly on his cheek before she leaned back. Kaidan couldn't contain a grin. And for the hundredth time since Virmire, he was truly gratefully that he's still alive. Having a brush with death had made him reevaluate his life. He now realized what was most important to him, and it certainly wasn't his decade-long career.

“You'll never have any competition,” he promised her then gave her a teasing smile. “Unless, of course, if there's another you out there...”

Shepard raised an eyebrow at him. Her grip on his hand tightened once again.

“Ow, kidding.” He faked a wince and she loosened her grip. “One Shepard is enough for me. I don't think I can handle two.” He grinned slightly at her. “I'd probably die from a heart attack before you could kill me.”

“Am I such a handful? Or am I just that scary? Wait, don't answer. Either way, I'll take that as a compliment.” She gave his hand a comfortable squeeze and released it before continuing her path to the CIC.

Stolen moments like this were rare, Kaidan cherished every single second of it. Shore leaves had always been nothing but necessary breaks for him to recharge in between missions. But this time, for once, he looked forward to it more than anything else. And it was all because of this woman he was head over heels for.

There was a guard stationed right outside the door on top of the staircase. Kaidan let Shepard proceed slightly ahead of him before following her to the CIC. As always, the guard saluted at the commander as she passed by, and Shepard returned with her nod.

They were careful; they had to be, especially when they were in the CIC. Keeping their relationship under wraps wasn't exactly easy when they were trapped inside a ship. But neither of them was the type who would back up when faced with a challenge.

The commander turned her attention back to him. “You're off-duty until further notice, Lieutenant,” she reminded him. “Don't forget that.”

“I know, Commander,” he said, switching back to the professional mode with practiced ease. “I'm just heading to the bridge to keep Joker company.”

The commander nodded. “Tell Joker to find the nearest comm buoy and link us back to the Citadel. It's past time for the Council to wake up and smell the... coffee.”

Kaidan hid a smile at her almost slip-up. “Aye, aye, ma'am.”

For a second, just one second, when her eyes stared into his, her expression softened with a smile that was faint but sweet. “Wish me luck, Lieutenant.”

It took all his willpower to keep himself from pulling her in his arms. What had she done to him? Kaidan wondered while fought back a grin. “Good luck, Commander.”

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Comm Room

The Soldier

 

Shepard glanced at the holographic images of the three Council members. To think their decisions could, and often would, affect lives across the galaxy, Shepard should be in awe of them, or at least respect them. Well, she did respect the Councilors, just as much as she respected every living being in the galaxy. But in awe of them? No. Especially not after what she had seen in the past few months ever since she had first set foot in their chamber.

Like everyone else, those three were far from perfect. They might have more than enough experience in governing, but that didn't make them any wiser than some people Shepard had met throughout her career. They were still susceptible to manipulation, greed, and most of all, their own pride. And just like every politician in the galaxy, they each had their own agenda.

All these, Shepard knew very well. She could only hope they were not blinded by prejudice, specifically bias against humans, against her.

“Commander Shepard, I'm pleased to see your mission on Virmire was a success,” said Tevos, the asari Councilor, the diplomatic one in their little group.

“Saren is formidable enough without an army of krogan serving under him,” Sparatus commented. It was hardly a secret that the turian Councilor had never liked Shepard since day one, and that feeling was very much mutual.

“The krogan would have served Sovereign, a Reaper,” Shepard corrected him. “Sovereign's the real problem here. The Reapers wiped out the Protheans, Councilors. We're next!” She had already stated that on her mission report. Had they not read it?

“Yes... We saw mention of this on your report,” said Valern, the salarian representative, the ever reluctant and careful one. “Sovereign. A sentient machine. A true artificial intelligence. This news is quiet alarming... if it turns out to be accurate.”

_What are you implying?_ Shepard scowled. “Sovereign is real. The Reapers are real. Saren even admitted to it!”

“He's playing you, Shepard!” Sparatus claimed. “Saren still has contacts on the Citadel. He probably saw your earlier reports. The ones talking about your vision. And the Reapers.”

“It's highly possible Saren is using false information to throw you off balance,” Valern agreed with his fellow Councilor. “Our own intelligence has never turned up any corroborating information.”

Shepard couldn't believe what she was hearing. “I saw Sovereign; I even talked to it!”

“Yes, a holographic image of it,” said Valern. “It could be a ruse Saren had set up to trick you, Commander.”

“Sooner or later you're going to take something I say on faith, Councilors!” said Shepard, her voice had sharpened more than a few notches. “I tried to warn you about Saren. You didn't believe me then, and look how that turned out!”

“I believe you humans have a saying: Even a broken clock is right twice a day,” said Sparatus.

“We have another saying: Burying your head in the sand. That's exactly what you're doing!” If looks could kill, Shepard had already disintegrated those three holograms. “If you refuse to believe anything I say, why did you even bother to send me on this wild goose chase?”

“Try to see it from our perspective, Commander,” said Tevos. “Saren is a threat we can recognize. However, as far as we know, the Reapers only exists in your vision.”

_Are you saying I'm crazy?_ Shepard narrowed her eyes at the hologram of the asari.

“Our decisions affect trillions of lives,” said Valern. “We cannot act on the accusations of a single person, even a Spectre. Not without solid evidence.”

“What more evidence do you require?” asked Shepard, her tone was colder than ice. “If I captured Sovereign and hauled it to your doorstep, would you believe me then?”

“The Council cannot take any official action here,” said Tevos, still as calm as ever. “That is why we created the Spectres. You have the authority to act as you see fit.”

“If you truly believe Sovereign is the real threat,” said Valern, “you must take whatever steps necessary to stop it. And Saren.”

“Good luck, Commander,” said Tevos. “From all of us.”

Shepard punched the console to disconnect. Good luck? With an army of Geth on Saren's side and she had only six people on her team, Shepard needed more than luck to stop Sovereign.

She needed a freaking miracle.

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 CIC

The Infiltrator

 

One look on Shepard's face and Garrus already knew the commander was anything but happy as she exited the debriefing room. Years of military training told him to run the other way when the commanding officer was in a foul mood, but Shepard wasn't just his commanding officer, she was his friend. And a good one.

Garrus braved the storm and approached the commander. “What's wrong?”

“The Council refuse to do a thing about Sovereign,” said Shepard. “We're on our own.”

“Even after what we've seen on Virmire?”

Shepard snorted. “They wouldn't even acknowledge Sovereign is the real threat without 'solid evidence'.

“Typical bureaucrats. Still won't do anything even when the evidence hit them on their heads. You're not giving up, are you?”

Shepard gave him a look.

“Right... Of course not,” Garrus mumbled as he headed down to the lower level with Shepard.

“Liara has identified the location in my vision. We know where the Conduit is. It's in Ilos.”

“Ilos?” Garrus was unfamiliar with that planet. “Well, wherever that is, if Saren's there, I'll be there waiting for him. I still have a bullet with his name on it.”

“My thought exactly.” Shepard's face darkened. “When I see him, he dies.”

“Good. I've been thinking about ways to take down Saren, and I think I've come up with a strategy.”

“I'm listening...”

“The problem with Saren is his shield,” Garrus started. “What if Tali, Kaidan, and I all overload his shield simultaneously? That should take it down completely, giving you and Wrex an opening to fire at him while Liara attacks him with her biotics. Then we will join you before his shield regenerates. With all of us concentrating our firepower at him, no man could walk out alive, upgraded or not.”

“Good idea.” Shepard nodded with approval. “He took us by surprise last time with his Geth upgrades. This time, we know what we're dealing with and he won't walk away again.”

“Exactly. We have to finish him when we have the chance. The Council won't like it, but they can't stop you, either.”

“Tevos gave me the green light to do whatever I see fit. And removing that indoctrinated son of a bitch from the galaxy is exactly what I see fit.”

“You see, this is why I want to become a Spectre. You never have to worry about bureaucratic idiots making a mess of everything.”

Shepard arched an eyebrow at him. “So you are finally reconsidering?”

“Yeah, I think I might give it another try after this thing with Saren is settled.”

This was the first time Garrus saw her grin since Virmire. “Good. You'd make an excellent Spectre, Garrus. Maybe we could go on missions together.”

He liked the sound of that. “Saving the galaxy in style with no restrictions and red-tapes? Sign me up.”

“Well, that's another thing to look forward to once this mess is over. You and me, we'll go saving the galaxy together,” Shepard suggested as she stepped into the elevator with Garrus.

“Let's treat this as our shakedown run. Our first galaxy-saving mission. We'll stop Saren together,” Garrus promised. “After that, maybe we'll hit a few the bars at Citadel. The classier ones.”

“Good idea. I sure could use a drink or two.” Shepard let out a rare heavy sigh. For a brief moment, the unbreakable commander looked exhausted.

And Garrus knew why. “After what you've been through in Virmire? You need the good stuff hidden behind the bar.”

Garrus never had to be particularly careful with his words when he was around the commander. It wasn't because he could get away with insubordination, but he knew Shepard appreciated honesty much more than formality.

“You mean those rare and often illegal good stuff?” asked Shepard. “Now you're tempting me, Vakarian.”

Even though Shepard wasn't at all upset by the mention of Virmire, Garrus doubted she had gotten over Williams' death. Instead, she was dealing with it by taking actions to make sure the chief's sacrifice wasn't in vain, as a good leader should. And Shepard was a damn good leader in his book.

“I know some places in the Citadel,” said Garrus. “Used to raid some bars before they let me do the real detective work. I'll show you around. First round is on me. Then we'll go to shooting range when we're reasonably drunk.”

“Because nothing is more relaxing that shooting.”

“You know me.” Garrus chuckled. “We had a tie last time. Let's see who's a better shot when we're intoxicated.”

Shepard smirked at him. “You're on, Vakarian. Loser buys the winner a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy.”

“Hope it comes in dextro-friendly version, Shepard, because you're so going to buy it for me.”

Shepard let out a faint chuckle through her breath then looked at him sincerely. “I'm glad you're here, Garrus.”

“I'm with you til the end, Aerin. You can count on that.”

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Armory Level

The Vanguard

 

After polishing it on and off for weeks, his ancestral armor was now as shiny as it would ever get. Wrex set it aside and looked at it with pride. As crappy as it would be as a real armor, this was his most treasured possession. And he could finally retrieve it because of one woman.

But he had also lost the cure of genophage because of her.

Even though he didn't like it, Wrex understood Shepard's decision. The commander had made her share of tough decisions in the past few months. While he might not agree with every single one of them, Wrex had to respect her for having the guts to make those calls when she needed to. And the last one she had to make, a choice between Alenko and Williams, had to be one of the toughest.

For centuries he had lived, Wrex had his own share of tough calls. Killing his own father and living Tuchanka might be one of the toughest things he had to do, but even that was done out of necessity and for his own survival. He never had to choose between allies like Shepard had done on Virmire. But then again, he had spent most of the time relying on no one but himself. If those idiots he used to work with wanted to live, they'd better fight for their own lives. If they didn't, they probably deserves to die. That was what he had always thought.

Until recently.

Wrex had to admit fighting along side with someone else like Shepard was not just practical, it was fun. Wherever Shepard was, trouble followed. Wrex hadn't felt so alive for a long while. Now he lived with a purpose. He wasn't just another mercenary killing for credits, he was out saving this damn galaxy. Shooting at idiots was fun, but shooting at idiots who wanted to harm his people, his planet? That was something else.

Thanks to Shepard, Wrex had a taste of being a hero for a change, and he secretly liked it. That woman's excessive heroism must have rubbed off on him, Wrex mused with a quiet chuckle.

The elevator door opened, Shepard stepped out with Garrus. That turian kid was not bad, Wrex thought as he gave them a nod, not that he would ever tell Vakarian that.

Shepard parted ways with Garrus and approached the gunnery station. She had spent quite a lot of time there lately, Wrex noticed. “Wrex.”

“Shepard.”

There was a dangerous undercurrent beneath Shepard's otherwise calm front, Wrex could spot it despite how well the commander was hiding it.

“Who pisses you off this time?” he asked the commander.

Shepard took her rifle and began to her ritual. “That obvious?”

“I can sense it when things are not right, even smell danger sometimes. Call it survival instinct or whatever you like, keeps me alive so far.”

“The Council don't believe me on Sovereign. They're not going to give us any backup.” Shepard's hands moved fast. Piece by piece, her rifle was taken apart and laid on the table.

“You don't need backup when you have us, Shepard,” said Wrex. Although he didn't truly believe it himself, he had to make Shepard to believe what he said. As a leader, she had to be the last woman standing.

Shepard gave him a faint smirk. “I have a krogan battlemaster on my side, you're probably right.” That confident smirk faded. “Even if it's just us against an army of Geth, we still have to fight til our last breath.”

Wrex nodded understandingly. “Sometimes, that's all we can do. And I'll be there fighting by your side. Wouldn't want to miss the fun.”

“Thanks, Wrex. I couldn't ask for more,” said the commander. Her hands never slowed down. “I appreciate what you did on Virmire. I won't forget it.”

“Yeah... things got heated back there,” said Wrex. He was never the type to apologize, and with Shepard, he didn't need to.

“Good old-fashioned krogan hot air?” Shepard asked, chuckling, as she cleaned the rifle parts.

“Only you have balls to approach me when I'm pissed, Shepard,” said Wrex. “Well, you and Aleena. Usually I just need to put on a piss-off face and that would be enough to scare everyone off.”

“I trust you, Wrex. I trust you'd do the right thing, and you did.”

And that trust was all he wanted from a person he was proud to call a friend. “You did what you had to do. I respect your choice. Just make sure it was worth it. Saren has to pay for what he's done.”

Shepard nodded solemnly. “No matter what it takes, I'm going to hunt him down and kill him.”

“I like the sound of that.” Wrex chuckled. “Don't steal all the kill, Shepard. Save some for me.”

That smirk of hers returned. “You have to be faster with your shotgun, Wrex. I'm not going to slow down and wait for you to catch up.”

“I like you, Shepard! After we blow Saren's head off, let's go to Tuchanka and kill some thresher maw on foot. Alenko can tag along, if he has the stomach for it.”

“Kaidan is tougher than he looks, trust me.”

“Ha! I know. Doubt you'd choose him if he's not.”

“No comment,” said Shepard with a faint smile. “You thinking about going back to Tuchanka?”

“Yeah, I've been away for too long, maybe it's time to head back and see what I can do for my people. Those pyjaks only know how to fight among themselves or fight for credits. Someone has to headbutt some sense into their thick skulls and teach them how to be a true krogan.”

“Those pyjaks should consider it an honor to have their heads butted by Urdnot Wrex.”

“You know it, Shepard.” Wrex laughed. “Sure you don't have a drop of krogan blood in you?”

“Positive,” said Shepard. “100% pure squishy human here. Sorry to disappoint you.”

“Bah, you'll never disappoint me, Shepard.” Wrex then quickly added, “But don't tell anyone I said that or I'll headbutt you.”

“Duly noted.” Shepard smirked. “And thanks, Wrex.”

Krogan or not, Shepard was his friend. For his people, for Shepard, he would take down Saren and that Sovereign.

For once, his life had a purpose.

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Engineering

The Engineer

 

The Normandy was too quiet of a ship for her taste when Tali had first embarked on this journey. But after calling it her temporary home for the past few months, Tali had learned to love that specific low hum of the engine. And by exploring every nook and cranny of the Normandy, she had learned a lot more about the latest ship design and technology than she ever would through searches on the extranet. 

Her Pilgrimage had to be one of the most exciting and eventful ones ever, Tali thought idly as she saved her work on the console, preparing to get off duty for the day. She couldn't wait to tell her friends all the stories about Shepard and their adventures. But that would also mean she'd have to leave the Normandy and her new friends behind.

Tali shook her head, trying not to think about that parting day as she exited the engine room with a stretch. It wouldn't that hard to keep in touch, would it? She could write to her new friends, especially Shepard and Kaidan, and perhaps they could even have occasional vid chats. Tali hoped Shepard was as good in responding emails as she was with shooting, but she had a feeling Kaidan was more diligent in that department than Shepard.

The comforting hum of the engine core quieted down as the door slid close behind her. At the corner of the lower level, she spotted a figure standing by the gunnery chief's station. Tali wasn't at all surprised to see Shepard there maintaining the guns. Ever since they had left Virmire, she had seen the commander taking on the late Chief Williams' duty on her spare time. Shepard could easily assign that task to someone else, but she didn't. Perhaps it was Shepard's way of grieving, Tali didn't quite understand. But what she did understand was the pain of losing someone; her own mother's death had hit her the hardest. 

Death was part of life on the flotilla. With such high population density, it's almost impossible to grow up without witnessing someone dying. But no matter how many time she had dealt with deaths before, it never got any easier. And somehow, she had a feeling Shepard had never gotten used to death either, at least that's what Tali would hope. As much of a harden soldier the commander might seem, Tali knew underneath Shepard's protective armor lied a compassionate soul. That was one of many reasons why she looked up to the commander. 

Tali looked around, the lower level was empty. Shepard shouldn't be alone. Not now.

_ Where is Kaidan anyway?  _ Tali wondered in mild disapproval.

Tali knew about those two; almost everyone knew about them by now. Although she had heard about the Alliance restrictions on fraternization, she didn't see anything wrong with it. To be able to find someone to fall in love with, it's a beautiful thing. And certainly romantic, Tali mused with a quiet dreamy sigh. 

Their story almost played out like one of those vids she loved so much: A quiet but talented boy met a popular and charming girl. They encountered some eminent danger that brought them closer together. Boy won girl's heart, saved the day, and they lived happily ever after.

While Tali didn't know the ending of The Tale of Shepard and Alenko, she certainly wished they would have their happy ending. She loved them both like big brother and sister she never had. Shepard had never treated her any different than the rest of her crew. Tali always felt welcome, always felt at home in the Normandy. And without Shepard, she would never have gotten the Geth data to bring back home at the end of her pilgrimage. To that, the commander would always have her thanks. 

And then there was Kaidan. Like Shepard, he was one of a kind. He was kind, compassionate, and friendly, very much like herself. Not to mention they shared a love for technology; they could spend hours debating which omni-tool was the most superior. But Kaidan was far more patient than her, and much wiser. If she could choose a brother, she would pick Kaidan in a heartbeat.

And to see those two good friends of hers had to suffer through grief because of some crazy turian's scheme, it angered her. Tali vowed to take down that bosh'tet Saren no matter what.

“Hey Aerin,” she greeted the commander as she approached.

Shepard glanced up briefly to give her a nod. “Hi Tali.”

“Need help with the guns?”

“No, I'm fine, thanks,” said the commander. “I like maintaining weapons. It calms me down.”

“Yeah. There's something about working with your hands that does wonder in clearing your mind.”

Shepard nodded.

She watched as the commander striped a sniper rifle apart with incredible speed. There was a system, Tali noticed, a certain order where Shepard laid each part neatly on the table. From left to right, from the outer parts to the inner most. The commander was neat, logical, and organized, Tali had noticed for a while. She wondered if Shepard would make a good engineer if she had taken a different career path.

“It feels like we're getting near the end, doesn't it, Aerin? With Saren, I mean,” said Tali, breaking the silence.

Tali noticed Shepard's hands slowed down at that name. “It won't be much longer,” said Shepard as she picked up the speed once more. “One way or another, it'll all be over soon.”

“You'll find the Conduit before he does. I know you will. You have to,” Tali said with conviction. 

Shepard nodded again. “It's on Ilos. We'll head there soon.” The commander paused as though she was considering something, then added, “We're going in without backup from the Council, Tali. It'll be very dangerous and I cannot guarantee you that we'll make it back...”

Tali didn't like where this was heading. “...What are you saying?”

The commander put down the rifle part and turned to face her. “You're young, Tali. And now you have the Geth data as a gift to bring back home, your Pilgrimage is technically over. You have family and friends waiting for you to go back. You don't have to take this risk with us.”

“No! Maybe I don't have to, but I want to. This is my fight too!” Tali countered. “The Reapers won't spare the flotilla. I won't have a home to go back to if we don't stop them.”

Shepard didn't answer. Tali knew she was reconsidering.

“You've been good to me, Aerin. I want to be there for you. A lot of people treat quarians like second-class citizens. They just want us to go back to our fleet and disappear. But you've treated me like everyone else on your crew. Like an equal. That means a lot. And it says something about you. Whatever happens, I just want to say thank you for that.”

“You don't have to thank me. You _are_ an equal, Tali, and you deserve to be treated as one. Always remember that.”

Tali was touched. She opened her arms on a whim. “Come here.”

For a second, Shepard only stared at her questioningly.

“Come here,” Tali insisted. “Come on, I won't bite.”

With more than a hint of smile, Shepard stepped into Tali's waiting arms. Tali wrapped them around the older woman in a fierce embrace. “Thank you, Aerin, for everything.”

“You're welcome... I'm going to miss you when you go back to your own people, Tali.”

“I'll miss you too, Aerin. But that won't happen for a while yet. I'll be right here any time you need me,” Tali promised.

“Thanks.” Shepard stepped back and gave her a smile.

While Tali didn't know what humans considered as beautiful, but in her eyes, Shepard certainly was, and her beauty came from within.

“And after this is all over, when my Pilgrimage ends and I go back to my own people, I'll be proud to say I was a part of it.”

“We couldn't have done it without you, Tali.”

That surge of pride rushing inside her was exhilarating. Tali had to calm herself down or else she would float up to the ceiling. “Where is Kaidan?” Tali finally asked.

“He should be at the bridge with Joker if you want to find him,” said Shepard as she put the sniper rifle back together.

Tali gave the commander a look of disapproval behind her helmet. “He should spend his time with you instead of Joker.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow at her. “He should? Why?”

“Don't you want to see him every minute of your waking hour?” Tali almost couldn't believe Shepard had to ask her that. As smart as Shepard was, sometimes she seemed oblivious. “I would if I've found someone...”

Shepard shook her head. “I see him all the time around the ship.” She paused, then added, “But I should go tell him about the Council meeting...”

“Is that all you two talk about? Work?” Tali asked in exasperation. “Keelah!”

Shepard only responded with a hint of sly smile as she put her guns away. “You coming?” 

Tali headed into the elevator with the commander. “I'll head to the mess for some food. You should go to Kaidan.” 

And here she thought The Tale of Shepard and Alenko was as romantic as those in the vids. Perhaps she should have a talk with Kaidan after things were settled. Maybe she would make him watch some of her favorite vids, like Fleet and Flotilla; he could learn a thing or two from that classic love story. She certainly had.

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Bridge

The Helmsman

 

Joker had never fantasized about being soldier, not with his glass bones. All he wanted to be was a pilot, and he was freaking good at it. No, not just good, he was the best damn pilot the Alliance had ever seen, and he knew it. Why be modest about a plain fact? Everyone had a talent. Well, most did. His was flying.

But if he had to dream about being a soldier, no doubt he would want to be one like Shepard. Strong, confident, and a bit crazy in the bravery department. A badass with a heart of gold, and kind of hot in a dangerous and sexy way – not that he would ever admit to the last part, and certainly never in front of Alenko. Overall, Shepard was every bit of a perfect soldier the Alliance could ever ask for. No wonder she was their favorite poster child.

And now, the best pilot in the Alliance was serving with their best soldier – a match made in heaven if there was ever one, or, to their enemies, a deadly match made in hell.

But, as good as they were at their respective jobs, they had help. Shepard had a dream team. While Joker was not a strategist, he had played enough games to know how to form a perfectly balanced team in a fight. And Shepard's team had all areas covered.

If she needed to kill from a distance, there was Garrus. To headbutt someone to death, Wrex would volunteer. To kill people with their brain, called either Kaidan or Liara. To hack a Geth, Tali could do it in her sleep. To patch you up on the field, Alenko was your man – although Joker never had a first-hand experience with the other man's skill, thankfully. And to fly them all over the galaxy, and in more than several occasions, saving their collective assess with the ship, of course, who was better at it than himself, Jeff Moreau?

Shepard's dream team – or Shepard's Six as Joker had secretly dubbed them – could bring down that asshole Saren, no doubt. Right?

...Right...

Joker sighed.

He might be confident, but Joker wasn't delusional. Against a freaking army of Geth and that Reaper Sovereign, even with those six on the ground and him in the air fighting wouldn't be enough to make a dent, let alone stopping that crazy-assed turian and his Reaper friend.

But sometimes, you had not choice but to play with the cards you're dealt with. That was lesson number one for all the cripple kids out there, a lesson Joker learned well. In his life, with his shitty cards, Joker had played the best hand ever. Perhaps Shepard could pull it off with her shitty cards as well.

Yes. Yes, she would, Joker believed. If there was anyone could pull it off and turn the tide against all odds, it's Shepard.

Soft footsteps coming from behind him announced the arrival of his boss. “Hey Commander,” said Joker without bothering to confirm the identity of his visitor. The all-knowing all-seeing pilot also knew she wasn't here for him, but for the man sitting in the co-pilot seat.

“We heard the entire meeting...” Kaidan told the commander. “I can't believe the Council still turn a blind eye on Sovereign.”

“That's politician for you.” Joker snorted. “Doesn't matter what race they are, all they care about is covering their own asses. 'What Reaper? That's just a talking ship that can out-fly and out-shoot every ship in the galaxy and, by the way, it can and will brainwash you, but that's totally not a Reaper.'”

Predictably, the boss had a giant dark cloud hanging over her head. “They won't admit to the fact until the Reapers are at their doorstep. But I'll find a way to stop the Reaper invasion,” Shepard vowed.

“I know you will,” said Kaidan.

“What he said, Commander,” said Joker. “I'll fly you to the edge of the galaxy to find that son of a bitch and make him pay!”

“We don't need to go to the edge of the galaxy, Joker. Just to a planet that no one has set foot on for four thousand years.”

“But how are we going to get pass Saren's fleet?” asked Kaidan, the ever practical one.

“Time to put this baby's stealth system to the test,” Joker suggested while patting the console.

“The stealth system could get us to the Terminus System undetected, but it could only cloak us so far until they have visual on us near Ilos, or as soon as we jump to FTL,” said Kaidan.

“Gah, you're no fun.” Joker gave the other man a sideways glance.

“It's a chance we have to take,” said Shepard. “We have to go to Ilos.”

“The Council want us to go on a suicide mission without giving us any backup. Something is very wrong here, Aerin,” said Kaidan.

“I don't like it either. They are all protecting their own asses and let us take that risk. If we go after Sovereign, there's a chance we'll win and survive. But if we don't, we'll all die; we'll be the next Protheans.”

“I suggest we contact the Alliance,” said Kaidan.

“I tried,” said Shepard. “All messages to Anderson got bounced back.”

“Don't look at me,” said Joker. “I forwarded all the messages as usual.”

Kaidan pondered with a slight frown. “Someone must be intercepting them. Maybe if I encrypt the message and hide it under a mundane mail or a vid--”

There was a beep indicating an incoming message.

“Well, at least we know the comm buoy wasn't broken...” Joker skimmed through the message, his bright green eyes widened in shock. “Er... Guys...” He had to reread it to reconfirm its content. “I mean, Commander, you might want to read this.”

Shepard leaned over to his console.

“What?” asked Kaidan.

“Ambassador Udina wants us to report back to the Citadel,” said Joker. “The Council is massing a joint-species fleet to deal with Saren and his Geth.”

Kaidan was as surprised as he was.

“I knew they'd come around!” Shepard straightened up and gave Joker a pat on his shoulder. “Back to the Citadel, Joker. I want the Normandy at the head of that fleet!”

_About freaking time._ “Yes, ma'am!” Grinning, his fingers danced on the console to set a new course as he mumbled to his beloved ship, “Let's do this, baby! Time to show them what you've got!”

 

  
  



	28. Grounded

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 27: Grounded

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel Council Chamber

 

As the symbolic center of the galactic power, the Council Chamber was a place most would consider an honor to visit. But that place felt too eerily peaceful to Shepard. With those soothing fountains and cherry trees on the top level, and the perfectly maintained indoor garden on the lower level, the entire tower was almost surreal. In a place like this, it was easy to forget about all the troubles out there. No one knew what a Reaper was, and only a few knew about Saren and his Geth. Shepard was disgusted by wide-spread ignorance. Someone was censoring information, and Shepard didn't like it a bit.

At least now she had a chance to set things right.

For the first time since her induction, Shepard once again came face to face with the three representatives.

“Good job, Shepard,” said Udina. “Thanks to you, the Council's finally taking real action against Saren!”

“The ambassador is correct,” said Tevos. “If Saren is foolish enough to attack the Citadel – as you believe – we will be ready for him.”

_What?_ Shepard frowned. Something wasn't right.

“Patrols are stationed at every mass relay linking Citadel space to the Terminus Systems,” Sparatus told her.

While the turian Councilor seemed to be pleased with the plan, Shepard almost snorted at its idiocy. “You think a blockade's going to stop him? He's on Ilos looking for the Conduit right now! What are you doing about that?”

“Ilos is only accessible through the Mu Relay, deep inside the Terminus Systems, Commander,” Valern reminded her. “If we send a fleet in there, the only possible outcome is full-scale war.”

“You wouldn't even have a chance to start a full-scale war if Saren found the Conduit,” Shepard pointed out the hole in the salarian logic.

“Now is the time for discretion, Commander,” Udina urged. “Saren's greatest weapon was secrecy. Exposed, he is no longer a threat. This is over.”

_Shut up, Udina! What do you know about war?!_ Shepard wanted to say but she refrained. “Secrecy is _not_ his greatest weapon,” Shepard corrected the ambassador sharply. “The Conduit is!”

“Saren is a master manipulator,” said Valern. “The Conduit is just a distraction from his real plan to attack the Citadel.”

“That is _not_ his real plan!”

“That's what he wants you to think, Commander,” Valern insisted. “He knows you're after him, and he's sending you to a place no one has ever been in four thousand years, hoping you'll bring a fleet with you, leaving the Citadel vulnerable for his attack.”

_No, this isn't happening. They're denying everything..._ Shepard had to think and she had to think _fast_. “Fine, I understand your concern. One ship going into the Terminus System won't start a war. I'll go,” she volunteered. She would stick to her original plan to head there with only her ship and her crew, nothing had changed except this little detour to the Citadel, which was now proven to be a huge waste of time.

“This is a matter that requires discretion, Commander,” said the salarian representative.

“Councilor Valern, I can be discrete,” said Shepard.

That smirk on Sparatus' face was hard to miss. “You detonated a nuclear device on Virmire,” the turian reminded her. “I wouldn't call that discrete.”

“That was necessary! The situation was dire and we didn't have time for a more elegant solution,” Shepard defended that decision. “STG suffered great losses, and I lost a member of my own team on Virmire, Councilor Sparatus. I did _not_ make that call lightly.”

“Destruction follows you around, Shepard. I believe there is a charming term you humans have... something about an animal in a shop.”

“A bull in a china shop,” Udina provided helpfully, “which, I'm sad to say, describes the commander quite accurately.”

“Enough,” Tevos stopped the argument before it started. “The commander has performed admirably so far. Your style serves you well in the Traverse, Commander. We recognized that...”

There was a 'but' coming, Shepard could almost hear it.

As expected, the asari continued with a 'but', “But Ilos requires a deft touch. We have the situation under control.”

“Do you?” Shepard asked, suppressing the burning rage building up inside, but it was a losing battle. “Do you really have the situation under control? Or are you just in denial?”

“Shepard,” Udina warned.

Shepard ignored him. “With all due respect, Councilors, you don't even recognize the real threat here. _Sovereign_ is the real threat! Saren is just a servant of the Reapers.”

“Only you have seen the 'Reapers.' And then only in vision,” said Tevos. “We won't invade the Terminus System because of a dream.”

“It's not a dream!” Shepard corrected her, her voice sharpened a few notches. “Those beacons were used by Protheans to store messages. What I encountered were two of their messages, warnings about Reapers. Dr. Liara T'Soni could verify this information for you.”

“And Dr. T'Soni is also one of your crew, Commander,” said Sparatus. “I could hardly call that unbiased.”

“You don't really know what is at stake, do you?” Shepard shook her head in disbelief at the turian. “If Saren finds the Conduit, we're all screwed! We have to go to Ilos!”

“Ambassador Udina,” said Sparatus, “I get the sense Commander Shepard isn't willing to let this go.”

“There are serious political implications here, Shepard,” warned Udina. “Humanity's made great gains thanks to you. But now you're becoming more trouble than you're worth.”

Shepard narrowed her eyes at the ambassador. “Political implications? Is that all you think about?! Humanity is doomed because of you!”

“Hardly.” Udina waved her off. “You've done your job, now let me do mine. We've locked out all the Normandy's primary systems. Until further notice, you're grounded.”

_Grounded?!_ “Are you insane?!” Shepard scowled at the ambassador but forced herself to ignore him and turn her attention to the ones who made the ultimate call. “After everything I've done, you still don't believe me?”

“We agree with the ambassador, Commander,” Sparatus said with a smirk he didn't bother to hide.

“I think it's time for you to leave, Commander,” said Udina. “This no longer concerns you. The Council can handle this. With my help, of course.”

“You son of bitch, you sold me out!” Shepard took a threatening step towards the ambassador with every intention to punch his face. It took every bit of her discipline to hold back her tightened fist at the very last second.

Udina took a few quick steps back to keep a safe distance between them. “It's just politics.”

“You'll pay for this. Nobody stabs me in the back, Udina,” Shepard warned him, her voice was low but icy cold. “Nobody.” The venomous glare she sent him was enough to make him flinch, Shepard took minor comfort in that as she stormed out of the audience chambers.

Waiting for her just outside was the man she needed most right now. There was something about Kaidan that his presence always calmed her down, even when she was pissed as hell.

Judging from that rare harsh scowl on his face, Kaidan had heard everything. “Can't believe that bastard Udina sold us out!”

“This is _not_ over,” Shepard claimed firmly. Her expression steeled with conviction. “If they think I'll just roll over and play dead, they're wrong.” She matched towards the exit, out of this surreal place. “Let's head back to the Normandy before they lock us out. Time to cash out all the favors I've earned in the past decade.”

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Bridge

 

Bringing the bad news to everyone on the ship wasn't a pleasant job, but Kaidan volunteered to do it, giving Shepard time to appeal the Council's decision once they were back on the Normandy.

For the past few months, this ship had been his home away from home. Throughout his career, he had never felt so attached to a ship, or worked with such a fine crew. Undoubtedly, the Normandy was the best ship with the best crew, and her captain was one of a kind. Not all good soldiers made good leaders, but the commander was one of the few exceptions. That was one of the pleasant surprises – among many – Kaidan had learned about Shepard ever since she had taken over the Normandy.

“Can't believe this is happening,” Joker mumbled once again.

“Yeah...” said Kaidan, hiding a sigh. Joker loved this ship more than anyone else, Kaidan almost hadn't had the heart to tell the pilot about the Council's decision.

“Everyone's packing and leaving.” Joker sent his glare at a few crew members who were heading to the airlock. “How could they just walk away like this?”

“What else can they do?” Kaidan defended them. “The commander is doing her best to get anyone to listen right now.”

Joker glanced at his control console. “Yeah. Sending about ten messages a minute in her cabin. Shepard sure types fast.”

“All we can do is wait.”

“Hey Kaidan, what's going on?” asked Tali, hurrying into the bridge with the rest of their team in tow.

“Didn't you hear the announcement?” asked Joker. “We're _grounded_. GROUNDED. Those sons of bitches are gonna pay for grounding my ship!”

“We _heard_!” Tali snapped back. “And it's Shepard's ship.”

Kaidan cut in before they could start an argument. “Udina sold us out. We're officially off the mission.”

“Damn Udina, never liked that sneaky bastard,” Garrus mumbled.

“Let's pay him a visit,” Wrex suggested, smashing his fist into his other palm. “Maybe we can change his mind.”

Garrus nodded. “I could be... persuasive.”

“What? No!” Kaidan stopped them before there could be any plans for assault, jokingly or not. Shepard was already in enough trouble. “Anything happens to Udina, Aerin will be number one suspect at this point. She threatened Udina in front of the Council just now.”

“That's my Shepard!” Wrex claimed proudly.

“What about Saren and the Conduit?” asked Liara. “We have to go to Ilos before it's too late.”

“Councilor Tevos claimed the matter on Ilos – what was the phrase she used – 'requires a deft touch.'” Kaidan snorted.

“What does that even mean?” asked Tali.

“That's bureaucratic talk,” Garrus explained, “meaning 'sit back and do nothing until things hit the fan', or something along that line.”

Liara shook her head in dismay. “Too much is at stake, we can't just give up!”

“We're not,” said Kaidan, trying to hold the group together. Shepard made it look so easy. “Aerin is going through every single possible channel to appeal the Council's decision. Maybe Captain Anderson or Admiral Hackett could help, I don't know...”

“Should have ignored Udina's message,” Joker mumbled. “We'd be cloaking through the Terminus System by now. That's it, I'm blocking that son of a bitch from now on.”

“So what do we do now?” asked Tali.

“Standby and wait.” Kaidan gave her a helpless shrug. “That's all we can do.”

“I hate waiting,” said Wrex. “Let's go stock up on ammo. I've a feeling we're going to need a lot of bullets one way or another.”

“Good idea,” Garrus agreed.

“Nobody backstabs my Shepard,” Wrex grumbled as he headed for the exit.

“ _Our_ Shepard.” Garrus followed the krogan.

“You know the way to the human embassy, Vakarian?” asked Wrex nonchalantly.

“I know every back door to that place, Wrex,” said Garrus. “And I also happen to know where all the hidden security cameras are. My first year at C-Sec I was posted around that area.”

Kaidan was alarmed.

Liara shared a look with him. “I'll go with them to make sure they don't do anything foolish,” she suggested. “Stay here with Aerin, she might need you.”

He nodded. “Thanks.”

“Hey, wait a minute, Kaidan, why are you here but not with Aerin?” Tali gave him a look of disapproval behind her helmet, at least that's what he imagined with her tone.

“What?” Kaidan was confused. “I was here organizing a ship-wide--”

“I know.” Tali cut him off with a wave. “But now your task is done, you should be with her.”

“She's busy, Tali. Besides, I want to give her some space to think.”

The young quarian shook her head with an audible sigh. “Don't you know anything about love? That's it, we really need to have a talk after this mess is over.”

“A talk? About what?”

“Never mind that right now,” said Tali, with one hand on her hip, another pointing down the hall. “Go to Aerin, now. She needs you.”

“Hate to say this, Alenko, but Tali's right. You might want to check on the boss,” Joker suggested after glancing at one of his many control consoles. “She stopped sending messages about two minutes ago and we haven't heard from her. That can't be good. If there's anyone who can diffuse the nuclear bomb named Shepard, it's you.”

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Living Quarters

 

The living quarters was completely empty when Kaidan arrived, except for one lone figure standing by the lockers. According to the centuries-old tradition, the captain was always last to leave their ship, Kaidan didn't expect anything less from Shepard. Still, seeing the commander all by herself in her ship was quite heartbreaking.

It was quite unlike her to not notice his approach. Seemingly lost in her own thought for a few seconds, Shepard suddenly broke out of her reverie and punched her locker. Startled, Kaidan waited for another second before he stepped closer to her. He noticed she was holding onto her torso and winced in pain as she turned around, her eyes shut tight. Leaning against the locker, Shepard slid down onto the floor, her shoulders slumped.

This was the first time he had seen her so defeated.

Tali was right; Shepard needed him.

“Hey...” he called out from across the room. Startling a combat veteran was never a smart idea, especially one who was on edge.

Even though her eyes remained close, he noticed the knot between her eyebrows began to loosen as he approached.

Shepard glanced up when he stopped next to her. Dark circles under her eyes had become more prominent since Ashley's death. More than once, Kaidan wondered if she had gotten much sleep lately.

“Hey, are you all right?” he asked softly.

She dropped her gaze and stared blankly at the floor in front of her. For a short while, Shepard didn't answer. But eventually, she ran a hand through her hair with a soft sigh. “No, I'm not,” she admitted just as quietly.

Kaidan was glad she didn't pull the 'I am fine' bullshit she used on everyone else. He sat down on the floor next to her. “I'm sure there's a way to appeal. We're under the Alliance authority after all, not the Council.”

“I tried everything I could think of.” She shook her head. “Official channels are closed. They're quite clear about that.”

“Closed? And we're supposed to accept that.” He frowned. “What about Admiral Hackett? You've helped him more than enough to earn a favor or two from him.”

“I tried to send an urgent message to Fifth Fleet, it bounced right back. Couldn't contact him. Or Anderson. Or even my mother,” said Shepard. “Udina is going out of his way to isolate me.”

“Does he even have the authority to do that?”

“Doubt he cares. Where should I file the complaint to? To his office? The Council?”

Kaidan felt a burning anger budding inside of him. It wasn't just because of the idiocy of the Council's decision, but the fact that the Council and Udina had betrayed and bullied _his_ commander made it personal. “So, that's it, huh?” He snorted. “Where do you think the best view will be when the Reapers roll through? If we have to sit it out, might as well get a good seat.”

“We are not sitting it out.” There was a sharp edge in her quiet tone. “The entire galaxy is at stake. I'll be damned if I don't do anything. I'll find a way out of this.”

Kaidan smiled proudly at that. “I know you will, Aerin. You always have something up your sleeve. That's what I love about you.”

She gave him a look but didn't comment on the last part. “We're out of the game for now, but they can't keep me down forever. First, I need to get a message to Hackett or Anderson...”

“They're monitoring the Normandy, but they can't monitor every single terminal in the Citadel, not instantly.” Kaidan's mind started to spin. “We can use a public terminal to send a coded message. It'll be too late for them to intercept it if or when they find out.”

Shepard continued his line of thought seamlessly, “Encrypting the message with one of the most common codes the Alliance Intel use should be enough to bypass the Council and Udina meanwhile, but allow Hackett and Anderson to decode it easily.”

They shared a look and a nod, that was all they needed to sign off on their latest plan.

Shepard let out a heavy breath after the plan was hatched. The sharpness of her gaze softened as she tilted her head and looked at him. “I've told you before, but... I'm really glad you're here.”

He smiled at that. “And I've told you, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.”

“Even with the mess we're in?”

“Even with the mess we're in. As long as you are here, this is where I want to be.”

That earned him a smile on that lovely face. “Don't move...” she ordered suddenly.

Before he could say another word, she leaned against him and rested her head on his shoulder.

Kaidan could no longer hold back a grin.

He felt her body relax against his. Kaidan tilted his head slightly to peek at her face and found her blue eyes half closed, a faint yet sweet smile played on her pink lips. If he could, he would freeze this moment forever.

“It feels... weird,” Shepard started quietly. “I've been running nonstop for years. Mission after mission. Never thought I would feel this tired. But I am... I'm tired, Kaidan...”

'I'm tired.' Two words most would never expect to hear from the Commander Shepard, but Kaidan knew her better. Disobeying her explicit order of not moving, he shifted and sneaked his arm around her shoulders to hold her close. Shepard didn't complain, instead she snuggled up comfortably.

He briefly recalled that one time she had fallen asleep on his shoulder during their trip on Noveria. “You haven't been sleeping well lately.”

“Mm...” She didn't deny it. “Neither have you.”

How did she know?

“Did you really think I didn't noticed just because you never complained?” She continued when he didn't answer. “Your headache is getting worse since Virmire.”

“Aerin, I--”

Shepard tilted her head up to face him. “Don't lie to me, Kaidan. I can tell. Whenever one of those killer headaches comes back, it shows right here.” She tapped the spot between his eyebrows. “And it usually hurts the most right here.” Her long fingers traced to his temple and massaged it gently.

He relaxed completely at her touch. “You have enough to worry about...”

“Well, like it or not, Mr. Alenko, you've become one of my top priorities.” Shepard gave him a rare wistful look. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, do you?”

Kaidan was rendered speechless. He found himself inching closer to her. He had never noticed how long her lashes were, or how much he loved that hint of slightly sweet scent that was on her skin.

He had wanted to kiss her before, but never more so than right now.

But Shepard placed a hand on his cheek to stop him, much to his disappointment. “We're grounded in Citadel among all places. We should use this opportunity to have you do a full check-up in one of the best hospitals here,” she suggested. “I trust Chakwas, but there's only so much she can do in a Med Bay.”

“Only if you're doing a full physical as well,” Kaidan bargained. His hand gently rested on her torso. “It still hurts sometimes, and don't tell me it doesn't. Internal bleeding doesn't go away that easily without surgery.”

“Guess we're heading to the hospital then, after sending out the messages.”

“Too bad. I was hoping we could finally get spend some time together, just the two of us,” he claimed half-jokingly as he got up from the floor, extending one hand to help her up.

“And? What are we going to do? With just the two of us...” she asked as she took his hand.

“Well, I don't know--” He misjudged the force and pulled too hard, she slammed onto his body and lost her balance momentarily. He reached behind her waist to steady her. Everything happened within a heartbeat. It wasn't until a second later that he realized how close they were once again. His arms were around her, and her hands on his chest. Neither showed any intention of stepping back.

Holding his gaze with hers, Shepard asked quietly with a tone that sent a shiver down his spine, “...You don't know?”

His gaze traced down from her eyes to her lips. Slightly parted, they looked very pink, very soft, and very tempting as she slowly leaned closer.

“You sure?” she asked again, biting that plump lower lip ever-so slightly.

Kaidan's heart pounded wildly inside his chest. As discipline as he was, even he had his limits, and Shepard was exceptionally good at driving him over the edge – not that he was complaining. All Kaidan knew was he would be more than willing to go to the edge of the galaxy just to have a taste of those lips of her.

“Tell me...” Her nose almost touched his. “What do you want right now?”

“You,” he breathed out that single word before he could stop himself.

“Good...” Shepard whispered. The tip of her nose now rubbed against his. “Come get it then.”

To hell with muddying the chain of command; they were already officially off the mission anyway. For once, he tossed his last bit of self-control out of the nearest airlock and followed his heart to close the remaining distance to claim those lips.

“Sorry to interrupt, Commander.” Joker's voice rang loudly through the comm just when his lips almost touched hers, startled both of them back to reality. “Got a message from Captain Anderson.”

Kaidan had never been a violent man, but there was nothing he wanted more than to punch Joker right about now. He did take comfort in noticing that she lingered in his arms a moment longer before stepping back reluctantly.

Shepard scowled, her voice sharpened with annoyance. “Are you spying on us, Joker?”

“No ma'am,” Joker denied but Kaidan could almost hear a snicker in the pilot's voice. “Just knew you were on the ship and figured I'd pass you the message. The captain said to meet him at Flux.”

Kaidan took a deep breath to clear his mind and much more. It was hard to conceal that sore disappointment, but Kaidan somehow managed. “Well, I guess you'd better go then.”

She nodded then straightened her shirt and tucked some errand strands of her hair behind her ears. Blue eyes sharpened with a blink, and just like that, his Aerin was gone and the Commander Shepard was back.

“Want to come with me?” she asked with her professional tone even though they were still alone. “That's not an order, but I could use your opinion.”

Knowing Joker could very well be still spying, Kaidan couldn't blame her for being cautious. If it wasn't for the lovely flush on her cheeks telling him what happened just now was in fact real, Kaidan could have easily written it off as a vivid fantasy. But it was very much real. And, even though he only had a glimpse of it, Kaidan realized he loved that hidden feminine side of Aerin perhaps a little too much.

Hiding a grin, he nodded. “Sure, I'll go.”

_With you, anywhere._

 


	29. Gone Rogue

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 28: Gone Rogue

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel Flux

 

Anderson had chosen a strange place to meet, Shepard thought idly as she entered the nightclub with Kaidan. She could hear the music before they were anywhere near the entrance; it sounded like the ones Shepard had heard when she had spent that night here with her team a few weeks ago. But then again, all nightclub music sounded almost the same to her to start with.

Shepard tossed a quick glance at Kaidan and noticed that knot appearing in between his eyebrows. With his headache plaguing him, perhaps she should not have asked him to come.

The music was loud, she had to lean closer to ask him, “Too noisy?”

“No, I'm... I'm fine,” he said. “I'm just thinking...”

“Ashley.”

He turned to her.

For him, she put on a faint smile. “I know... I'm thinking about that night when we were here too.”

“Ash would be pissed if she's here right now.”

“Oh yeah... Stuck here while Saren's out there, she'd be very pissed.”

“Shepard!” She heard someone calling and spotted Anderson waving at them from a table near the bar.

The mere sight of her former captain was enough to make her let out a sigh of relief unconsciously. “Good to see you again, sir,” Shepard went for a firm handshake while Kaidan greeted the captain with a salute.

“I'm glad you came, Shepard,” said the captain as they took their seats. “It's been a while, Alenko.”

“The Normandy is grounded, Captain,” Kaidan told their former commanding officer.

“Yes, I've heard,” said Anderson.

Shepard scowled. “They pull me off the mission. Just like they forced you to give up the Normandy.”

“I know. I'm sorry,” said the captain. “I wanted to warn you but there's no way to get a message to you before you docked. Udina made sure of that.”

“So he was the one who blocked my messages to you...”

“Good thing you sent a copy of the mission report to me, Shepard. Udina tried to stonewall me, but I know what happened with Saren.” Anderson paused. “I'm sorry about Chief Williams. You made the right choice, Commander; I would have done the same.”

Even her mentor's validation couldn't cover the bitterness inside her. “Saren's on his way to the Conduit and I'm stuck here. If I don't stop him, Williams' death will be in vain.”

Anderson gave her a knowing look. “I know you're pissed off right now, but you can't give up. They all think this is over, but we both know it's not. You have to go to Ilos. You have to stop Saren from using the Conduit.”

Shepard snorted. “There's only one ship that can take me into the Terminus System undetected, and she's grounded.”

“Is there anything you can do, Captain?” asked Kaidan. “Or Admiral Hackett? The Normandy is still the property of the Alliance. They can't ground her forever.”

“No, they can't,” the captain agreed. “But we are in the Citadel space, and they can put enough red tapes around it by the time we cut through and free her, the Reapers will already be here. The time to go through official channel is over.”

Shepard's eyes lit up. “I assume you have a plan, sir.”

Anderson nodded. “Citadel control locked out all the Normandy's system. But if we override the ambassador's order, we can get them to bring the Normandy back online. You can be in the Terminus System before anyone knows you're gone.”

Shepard blinked at his suggestion. Did the captain suggest her to steal her own ship? She glanced over at Kaidan for confirmation and found those brown eyes widened slightly in surprise as well.

One look from the captain's serious face was enough to tell her he was not joking.

It was a bold move to say the least, even for Anderson. However tempting the plan was, there were a few problems she could spot right away. “If we steal the Normandy, you're the one left holding the bag.”

“And if Saren found the Conduit, life as we know it is over,” the captain countered. “The Reapers will destroy us. Humans, asari, everybody. You're the only one who can stop him, Shepard. So I'll do whatever it takes to get you on the Normandy and off this damn station!”

“Stealing the Normandy is mutiny. I can't ask the crew to help me with this,” said Shepard, voicing her concern freely in front of the two men she trusted the most.

“The Normandy is your ship now, Commander. Her crew will follow you to the ends of the galaxy, we both know that.”

Kaidan gave her a nod to confirm the captain's claim.

For a brief rare moment, Anderson's stoic face softened as he looked at his protege. “I know it can't be easy, with the weight of the galaxy on your shoulders. But I know you, Aerin, you can do this.”

How Anderson could see right through her, Shepard would never know. But his encouragement was enough to give her strength to fight for another day. Shepard took a subtle deep breath and focused on the matter at hand. “So what's the plan?”

“I can unlock the Normandy from one of the consoles in the Citadel control center. You have a few minutes before anyone realizes what's happened.”

“That's a restricted area patrolled by armed guards,” Kaidan pointed out. “How are you gonna get in?”

“Leave that to me. Just make sure you're in the Normandy when the systems come back online.”

Shepard didn't like the sound of that. “Too risky. There's got to be a better way.”

“Ambassador Udina issued the lock down order. If I can hack into the computer in his office, maybe I can override it.”

“He's not going to let you waltz into his office and use his computer,” said Kaidan.

“Hopefully he won't be there,” Anderson said, “if he is, I'll just have to think of something.”

“Udina won't let this slide, Captain.” Shepard frowned. “You'd be charged with treason, a capital offense.”

“We don't have a lot of options,” said the captain.

“Then come with us,” Shepard suggested. “Udina can't do anything to you if he can't find you.”

Anderson shook his head. “No. There won't be enough time for me to board the Normandy. The second I unlock the ship, she'll have to fly.”

The captain was right, she knew, as much as she hated leaving him behind, she had no choice. But the risk Anderson had to take...

The captain's keen eyes could see through her hesitation. “You're risking your life out there fighting for all of us. Let me do my part in this, Aerin.”

No war was ever won without sacrifices; that was one of the first few lessons she had learned long ago as a cadet.

Chief Williams had made hers, and now Captain Anderson.

“I won't forget this, Captain,” Shepard vowed. “I promise.”

“Just stop Saren from using the Conduit and win this damn thing, Shepard.”

Shepard nodded solemnly. “Yes, sir.” She took a deep breath and collected her thoughts. “I think you've a better chance if you go after the ambassador's computer. But it's your call, Captain.”

“I agree. I'll hack the ambassador's computer. Udina has made this personal.” Anderson shook his head with a scowl before turning his attention back to his protege. “You ready to get the hell off this station, Commander?”

Shepard exchanged a look with her lieutenant then nodded.

“We need to get everyone back to the Normandy,” said Kaidan. “We should be ready to take off in an hour.”

Anderson nodded. “Good, an hour then.”

Shepard had seen more than enough in the past decade. But stealing a warship from the Council and saving the galaxy from the Reapers? That was a tall order if there was ever one. Still, Shepard knew she had to put up a confident front despite the uncertainty she was feeling inside. Her crew, the captain, even the galaxy were all counting on her, she would be damned if she let her doubts show.

“Let's do it,” Shepard told the captain firmly.

“I'll take care of the lock down. You get down to the Normandy and tell Joker to stand by.” Anderson stood from his chair, ready to leave. “You two, come back alive. That's an order.”

“I don't have to take orders from you anymore,” Shepard reminded her mentor with a smirk, playing the confident commander as convincingly as ever. “You told me that, remember?”

“Yes, I did.” The captain shook her hand before pulling her in for a firm hug. “Smartass...”

“But for old time's sake, I'll follow your order.” Shepard stepped back and promised, “We'll win this and we'll be back. And after that, I demand a shore leave.”

“Saving this damn galaxy? Hell, you'll earn a month off.”

“One month?” Shepard arched an eyebrow. “Well, consider the galaxy saved, sir.”

Anderson gave her a long look, his expression once again softened a little. Shepard had a feeling he could see through her facade.

“Watch over her, Kaidan,” said the captain with a pat on the young man's shoulder.

“I will, sir,” said Kaidan. “I promise.”

 

* * *

 

Location: Citadel Upper Wards

 

Shepard tapped her earpiece. “Joker, send a message through secured channel. Tell everyone to report back on the ship asap. We're leaving in an hour.”

“What? But I thought--”

“You heard me, Mister. Do it. Shepard out.”

“We are really hijacking the ship, huh?” said Kaidan.

Shepard nodded and glanced at the balcony area of the Ward as they passed by. She had been here before, the exact spot, with Ashley and Kaidan. The view seemed to remain the same, but Ashley was gone, and she had become a Spectre who was about to steal the Alliance's warship. Things had certainly changed since then.

Shepard swallowed a sigh and continued their way back to the ship.

Mutiny. That was something she had never thought would be on her record. She had been with the Alliance even before she had taken her first breath, and now, she was about to steal their prototype frigate. But sometimes you had to get your hands dirty to get the job done. And to get the job done, to protect everyone, if mutiny was the price she had to pay, so be it.

That was her choice. But what about the crew?

Shepard glanced at her lieutenant beside her who was lost in his own thought, and she made her decision.

“I am going to offer the crew a chance to leave before we take off,” said Shepard after they stepped into the elevator.

“Leave?” Kaidan turned to her in surprise. “You mean leave the Normandy?”

Shepard nodded. “Officially relieved. Off the mission completely, so the Alliance can't stick any charges to them.”

Kaidan remained quiet for a few seconds, Shepard could see the wheels spinning inside his head. Eventually, he gave her his opinion, “We can fly with a minimal crew. Some of us can do double shifts until we reach Ilos. There shouldn't be a problem. But I don't think they'll leave you.”

Always the thoughtful and responsible one... Shepard shook her head with a wistful smile. Without thinking, she reached out to touch the side of his face softly. The tiny knot between his brows melted as a smile surfaced.

That loving look in his eyes, that warm smile, and most of all, that heart of gold, everything about him made what she was going to say even harder. Shepard took a deep breath to steel herself before she could continue, “I'm offering you that deal right now.”

His smile disappeared in a flash. Brown eyes widened briefly then a frown of confusion settled on his face. “...What?”

“You can leave, now.” Shepard forced herself to look straight at him without flinching even though every word felt like a stab wound. She had to keep playing that confident and strong Commander Shepard, or his protective instinct would make him stay with her against his better judgment.

Kaidan snorted and shook his head in disbelief. “You think I'd leave you, after what we've been through?”

“No. I think you would make a sensible decision, like you always do.” Her hand lingered on his cheek for a second longer before she forced herself to withdraw it. She had to play the Commander Shepard, she reminded herself, not Aerin. “I'm offering you a way out. Like Anderson said, I have to do this, but it doesn't mean I have to drag you down. Wrex, Garrus, Liara, Tali, the Alliance can't touch them, they can't be court-martialed. But you can be, and you will be.”

“So can you.”

“They can't touch me,” she claimed evenly even though she didn't believe a word she said. “I'm working for the Council.”

“You think the Council will let this slide?” Kaidan shook his head again with a scowl. “At least with the Alliance, I would get a trial. With the Council, they'd just send a bunch of Spectres to hunt you down and kill you!”

Shepard hid a wince. He was right, but she couldn't admit to that. Not right now. “This is not like you, Kaidan.” Shepard changed her tactic and softened her tone a bit. “You don't rush into things, that's what I like about you. You are an incredible soldier, an incredible man; you've worked hard to get to where you are despite your past. Your future in the Alliance is bright, don't throw it all away. I would never think less of you if you stayed behind--”

“There won't be a future for any of us if we don't win this!”

“I _will_ win this!” she vowed, feeling her composure began to slip because of frustration, because of him. “For you, for us. And I'll come back to you, I promise. But I don't want you to jeopardize your future.”

“You're not jeopar--” He started to argue back, but somehow he changed his mind. Instead, much to her dismay, that smart man chose to ask the key question, “Why are you trying so hard to push me away?”

“I'm not.” _I want you to be there with me, Kaidan, but..._ “I'm trying to protect you.”

“You don't have to protect me, Aerin.”

“I don't have to but I want to. Damn it, Kaidan--” _I love you!_ “I care too much about you, more than I probably should!”

“And I care about you too much to let you go risk your life without being there for you!”

The elevator stopped.Shepard took a deep breath and composed herself. “Please, think it over. You have an hour to decide.” She turned and walked away, but he grabbed her wrist to stop her.

“You are not leaving without me, Aerin,” he told her, his voice was as quiet as it was firm. “Even if you order me to stay behind, I'll disobey that direct order. Write me up for insubordination if you want, but I'm not leaving you.”

Shepard could only stare at him, speechless.

“We are all in this together. Even Anderson is taking a huge risk releasing the Normandy. You're a Spectre; I know it's your job to protect this galaxy. But I also know you'd still risk everything to bring down Saren even if you weren't a Spectre, because it's the right thing to do. Tell me I'm wrong,” he challenged her.

She couldn't, because he was right. “Kaidan...”

His grip on her wrist loosened; his hand slid down to hold hers. “Look, you'll need all the help you can get to win this, and I can help you – shield you with my biotics or blow up some Geth – anything you want. Just... don't leave me behind.”

It was more than she could take. She couldn't tell where exactly her breaking point was, whether it was the sincerity in his voice or the look in his eyes, she didn't know. In the end, it didn't matter. Her free hand sneaked up to the back of his head to pull him in for a kiss that was long overdue.

All the tension that had been building up in the past months exploded the moment her lips touched his. All her troubles were instantly forgotten when his lips parted and she had a first taste of him. If he was shocked, she couldn't tell, definitely not from the way he responded to her. He was far more passionate than she had expected, his lips softer than she had imagined. She felt his hands on her back pressing her body to his, close enough to feel his heart thumping inside his chest.

Time had stopped for her; everything had faded away. His warmth, his taste, his touch, all overloaded every bit of her senses. And all she knew was she wanted more.

Until a rude ding from the elevator, followed immediately by the sound of the door opened and someone gasping from behind.

Startled, Shepard pulled away and mumbled a curse at the interruption. Kaidan merely smiled at her reaction before looking over her shoulder and asked the person who called for the elevator, “Could you wait for the next one? Thanks.”

He reached for the button and the door closed behind her. Still panting slightly, Shepard peeked at the panel. Somehow, the elevator had gone back to the Ward level without either of them noticing.

She turned her attention back to him and found him looking straight at her, amused to say the least. His arms were still around her back, not once loosened. And she had no intention to withdraw her hands from the back of his head either.

“We have about a minute before we need to get out,” she told him.

“So... what do you suggest?”

His voice, his tone, and that tiny teasing smirk, all sent a tingle down her spine. She was about to steal a warship, but at this very moment, all she could think about was one thing. Wasting not another second, Shepard pulled him in and claimed his lips once again, allowing herself to indulge in her desire one more time. And he was all too happy to oblige.

In the next minute, nothing else mattered but him.

The elevator stopped again way too soon.

When she opened her eyes, somehow everything seemed brighter, even the burden on her shoulders felt lighter.

“Never push me away again,” he whispered to her. “I won't leave you, no matter what happens.”

This was his last chance to leave, to keep his hands clean from mutiny. But knowingly risking everything he had worked so hard for, Kaidan had chosen to stay with her. Shepard didn't think she could possibly love him even more.

“I'm sor--”

He silenced her with a soft peck. “It's okay.” Then came another one. And another. But he stopped at the forth kiss.

Shepard groaned in disappointment.

He smiled lovingly at that. “We... er, we should get out before we start it all over again.”

Reluctantly, she stepped back from him and exited the elevator in a daze.

“You know...” Kaidan paused briefly with a chuckle. “...I don't think I could ever get into another elevator without remembering what happened just now.”

Shepard hid a smile. “Good. I don't want you to forget about that.”

“Correct me if I'm wrong, Commander,” Kaidan said while heading down the hallway with her, “we still need to take another elevator up to the dock...”

What he was thinking about, Shepard didn't need to ask. “You are absolutely right, Lieutenant,” Shepard played along, keeping a straight face and a professional tone while weaving through the crowd. “That one would take slightly longer.”

“A minute or two is not a long time,” he commented offhandedly.

“It depends,” said Shepard. “On one hand, one minute in a torture chamber could feel like a lifetime...”

“On the other hand?” Kaidan asked, calling for the next elevator. A little teasing smirk began to breakthrough.

“On the other hand, people say if you enjoy what you're doing, time flies.” Shepard stepped inside and gave him a hint of a sly smile. “Well, care to test out that theory?”

And the elevator door closed.

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Bridge

 

Gathered around the bridge of her ship were a turian, a krogan, a quarian, an asari, and of course, three humans. Judging solely from the diversity, this could easily look like a mini galaxy summit. Each of them came from a different background, each with their expertise to contribute to their team. As Aristotle said, the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Together, they had helped her through thick and thin in the past few months. Even should her mission fail, Shepard was at the very least pleased to get a chance to know everyone here, and proud to call them her friends.

“Did the Councilors change their minds?” asked Liara. As intelligent as she was – and she was one of the smartest person Shepard had met – Liara could be a bit naïve at times. Shepard found that endearing.

“No,” said Shepard. “But we're leaving.”

“How?” asked the asari doctor.

“Hijacking the ship,” Shepard answered.

“Now it's getting fun,” said Wrex. “You got some balls stealing the ship, Shepard. Do we have to fight those guys at C-Sec?”

“I hope not,” said Garrus. “Not all of them are bad, you know.”

“Does it even count as stealing when the ship is hers?” asked Tali.

“I'm sure there are some loopholes in the law that would get her off the hook,” Garrus told the young quarian. “There always are.”

“Technically the ship is still the Alliance property, so the charge will be mutiny,” Kaidan explained.

“Mutiny?” Liara's round eyes widened further. “By the Goddess...”

“Don't worry about it, Liara,” said Kaidan. “You're not with the Alliance.”

“But Aerin is,” Liara pointed out, “so are you and Joker, and the rest of the crew.”

“Mutiny is the least of Aerin's problem,” said Garrus, giving Shepard a knowing glance.

Shepard remained quiet.

“What do you mean?” asked Tali.

“By acting against the Council's decision, our dear Spectre here has officially gone rogue,” Garrus explained. “And we know what they do with rogue Spectres. We're chasing one.”

“Keelah...” Tali breathed.

Wrex snorted. “Don't worry, Shepard, I'll kill whoever they send coming after you.”

Garrus nodded. “I've got your back, no one will touch you.”

“I'm not worried about that. If I don't steal the ship and stop Saren, we'll all die.” Shepard crossed her arms and looked at each one of them in turn. “Whether it's facing charges or assassinations, that's the price I'm willing to pay. But I'm not going to force my decision onto you, or anyone on this ship. I'm going to offer everyone a chance to leave--”

“Are you kidding?” Wrex cut her off.

“I'm not.”

“This is the most fun I've had in years! You think I'd miss this?” Wrex waved a hand at her. “Besides, you need me to kill that bastard. A krogan on your team is worth more than ten turians.”

“Ahem!” Garrus cleared his throat loudly. “We may have been through hell a few more times than any sane person should, but it was fun.” Garrus put a comforting hand on Shepard's shoulder. “I'm with you til the end, Aerin, I said that and I meant it. Besides, you promised you'd save the kill shot for me when we faced Saren, I'm not going to miss that.”

Liara nodded in agreement. “I won't miss this either. This is an once in a lifetime opportunity. No one has been to Ilos for more than four thousand years. Think about what we can find once we get there. I'd have killed for a chance like this when I was doing my dissertation.”

“This is the best pilgrimage I could ever ask for,” said Tali. “All the stories I get to tell when I go back to my people. I promised I will be there for you, Aerin. And I will.”

“You know where I stand, Aerin,” Kaidan told her quietly.

Everyone's attention turned to Joker. “What?” The pilot raised an eyebrow as he sat comfortably on his chair. “I'm not gonna leave my baby. Nobody touches my ship! Er... your ship, Commander.”

“Our ship,” Shepard corrected her pilot with a smile. She then once again looked at every one of her team in turn. “Thank you, all of you. You know what we're facing and we have to prepare for the worst. If you have to send any messages, I suggest you do it now. Dismiss.”

To her surprise, Tali pulled her in for a hug. “We'll kill that bosh'tet and we'll get drunk to celebrate.”

Shepard gave her a pat on her back as she returned the embrace. “Agree. First round is on me.”

“Now we're talking!” Wrex slapped her shoulder hard, but Shepard didn't mind at all. “Never a dull moment with you, Shepard.”

“Yeah. Sure beats working for C-Sec,” Garrus agreed.

Liara nodded. “I have to admit saving the galaxy is more exciting than digging.”

Wrex grinned. “Bet you don't get to see a face as handsome as this one in those old ruins.”

“Definitely not,” Liara answered with a smile.

“Speaking of faces, hey Tali, when do we get to see under your mask?” asked Garrus as he headed down the hallway with their friends.

“I still have my shotgun, Vakarian.”

“Never mind...”

Shepard watched as her team headed back to their posts with a wistful smile. Kaidan lingered behind and took her hand in his discreetly and gave it a squeeze before settling on the co-pilot chair.

Shepard turned her attention back to her pilot.

“Ready for the announcement?” asked Joker.

Shepard nodded.

Joker pressed a button. “The comm is open.”

Shepard took a second to collect her thoughts. “This is Commander Shepard. As you all know, the Normandy has been grounded by the Council. But in about ten minutes, we will take off without the Council's permission, and continue our pursuit for Saren, to put an end to his plan to destroy the galaxy once and for all.

“We are heading to Ilos through Mu Relay, a place where no one has been to for four thousand years. I don't know what awaits us beyond Mu Relay or when we will come back, I cannot even guarantee we'll all make it back in one piece.But I will not stop until Saren is dead and Sovereign is destroyed. I will not let him or anyone destroy the galaxy. Not on my watch.

“No war is ever won without sacrifices. But, I don't expect all of you to be willing to pay the price. And the price we are talking about is mutiny for stealing the ship. I won't order any of you to join me on this mission; I can't ask you to break the oaths we've all sworn, not as your captain of the ship, or your commander in the Alliance Navy. This is a risk I choose to take, rules I choose to break. While I'd appreciate any help I can get to help us win this, I'd understand if you don't want to be a part of this. If you wish to leave right now, for whatever reasons, feel free to do so without repercussions. The door will remain unlock in the next five minutes. To those who choose to leave, thank you for your service. And to those who choose to stay, thank you for your support. Either way, it's been an honor working with each and every one of you. I couldn't ask for a better crew. Shepard out.”

“Well said, Commander,” said Joker as he closed the comm.

Shepard took a step back with a tired sigh. “Let's see if we'll have an empty ship in five minutes.”

“Nah, we're all behind you 100%,” Joker claimed in a rare sincere tone.

“I agree,” said Kaidan as he continued with the final pre-flight preparations.

“Normally I would agree, but stealing a war-ship?” Shepard arched an eyebrow. “Not for the faint of heart.”

“Pfft, you've trained them well, Shepard,” said Joker. “With all those crazy shit you've pulled since you took over the ship, no one with a faint of heart could last this long.”

Shepard shook her head with a faint smile.

The pilot continued, “I mean, sure, we're not on the ground with you like Kaidan or Garrus, but do you know how hard it is to guard a ship this size? We are easy target, Commander. We have zombies banging on our door, trying to crawl their way in. And then we froze our collective balls off waiting on Noveria. Oh, and remember the stun I had to pull on Therum to save your ass? Landing on a pit of molten lava! That maneuver alone needs to be in a record book somewhere.”

Shepard gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Couldn't have done it without you, Joker.”

“Yeah, make sure they pin a medal on me when this is over. I don't mind having a Star of Terra. Just saying.”

“I thought you said you're not willing to shave for the ceremony.”

“Well, yeah...” He stroke his beard thoughtfully then suddenly sat up straight. “Gah, you remember everything I've said, don't you? Be careful, Alenko, this type of women is dangerous. They'll remember every stupid thing you've ever said and throw them back at you when you least expect it!”

“Just don't say anything stupid, Joker,” Kaidan suggested casually as he focused on console in front of him, but from his profile, Shepard could spot a grin.

Joker gave the other man a sideways glance. “How could you stand her? I mean, sure she's nice to look at but she's scary sometimes--”

Shepard gave Joker a look with an arched eyebrow.

The pilot was unfazed by his commander's silent warning. “Aw, come on! The entire ship knows about you two. I saw through it first, mind you. Starting from day one.”

“Yeah... sure.” Shepard crossed her arms.

“Hey! My bones are weak but my eyes are sharp! I'm always right on the money. Remember when Nihlus was here and I told you guys that there were more to it than Anderson claimed? Look who's right!”

“Guess you are right about that. But I also remember you said you didn't like Spectres, they're trouble.” Shepard looked at her pilot with a meaningful smirk.

“Well, except you, Shepard. You're the good one. You're one of us.”

“Aw, I love you too, Joker.”

“Watch what you say. I don't want any broken bones.” He nodded towards Kaidan, then whispered to Shepard, “That guy over there can beat me up without even touching me. And he could probably hear us.”

“Loud and clear,” Kaidan confirmed. “We all love you, Joker.”

Joker tapped on his chin, pondering. “You know, this feels vaguely like those opening scenes in one of those vids-- Er, never mind.”

Shepard frowned in mild confusion. “Do I even want to know?”

The alarm Joker had set beeped. Five minutes had come and gone.

“Saved by the bell,” Joker mumbled then smirked faintly at Shepard. “Looks like I'm right again, Commander. Told you no one's leaving.”

Shepard let out a silent sigh of relief. But the relief lasted only for a second. One hurdle down, another big one was just ahead.

“Get ready, Joker. Anytime now.”

Joker's grin was gone instantly and replaced by a rare serious look as he turned his chair back to face the control panel.

“Airlock is sealed,” Joker reported.

“She's ready to go,” said Kaidan.

The next few minutes were the longest in her life. And then, it happened. The red light on the console turned green, then came the dull thump sound they had been waiting for. Anderson did it. The Normandy had been released.

“Go, now!” Shepard ordered.

Joker's fingers already on the consoles and danced away.

“Board is green,” said Kaidan.

“Off we go!” said Joker.

Shepard stared intently through the cockpit window. The docking station began to shrink as the Normandy backed up. The ship then took a quick turn as soon as it had cleared the dock.

“Come on, baby. Let's do this!” Joker began to speed up, zipping through incoming traffic.

Citadel long arms were still around them.

“No sign of pursuit yet,” Kaidan reported.

Shepard's eyes never left the window, the knot between her brows tightened. They were close to the end of Citadel.

“Come on, come on...” the pilot mumbled as the ship began to speed up.

“Still no sign of pursuit,” said Kaidan.

They were out of the Citadel in a minute. Now all they needed to do next was to make it to the mass relay and jump.

“No ship behind us,” Kaidan confirmed.

There it was, the mass relay was in front of them.

“Almost there!” said Joker. “Hitting the relay in three... two.... one!”

The light was blinding but it was gone in a flash. Shepard closed her eyes just in time and opened them again when she felt the slight shift from the jump. She had been used to jumping through mass relays her entire life, but never had that subtle shift felt as good as it did now. They were clear, at least for now. Shepard let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding.

“No sign of pursuit at all,” Kaidan said one final time. “Looks like we're clear.”

“Aw damn. I was hoping they'd chase us so I could push this baby to her limit, see what her can do,” Joker complained jokingly.

“It'll take us more than a few jumps to get to Mu Relay. You might still have a chance to show off,” said Kaidan.

“I hope not,” said Shepard. “We have enough trouble already. Wonder how Anderson pulled that off.”

“You know,” Kaidan said, “for a moment, I thought the captain got caught before he could hack Udina's computer.”

“Pfft. The captain would beat the crap out of Udina if that son of a bitch dared to stop him,” Joker commented. “Watch out, Alenko. Shepard and Anderson are the same type: The older they are, the crazier they get. Let's hope your poor little heart can handle her.”

“I'm still here, Joker,” said Shepard dryly. “I heard that.”

“Just telling the truth, Commander. You and the captain are two peas in a pod.”

“At least I don't sound angry whenever I talk to you.”

“Well, there's that. And you're easier on the eyes.”

“Much easier,” Kaidan added with a slight smirk.

Joker raised an eyebrow at his co-pilot. “Of course you'd say that. I bet you wouldn't want to kiss Anderson for a million credits.”

“Would you?” Kaidan countered.

“Of course not,” Joker admitted. “Ten millions, maybe.”

Shepard interrupted before any more disturbing mental images could invade her head, “All right. Keep your guard up and bring us to the Mu Relay nice and quiet. Or I _will_ sound angry when I talk to you, Joker.”

“Aye, Aye, Commander,” said Joker. “Stealth system engaged.”

“Nice work, both of you. Thank you. I'll be in the CIC if you need me.”

Another hurdle down. Many more to go.

 

  
  


  
  



	30. Lost in You

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.  
  


 

Chapter 29: Lost in You

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Captain's Cabin

 

She didn't know how many times she had been stripping and cleaning the same rifle. Her hands moved on their own while her mind wandered somewhere else. It's not everyday someone stole a ship from the Council. It's certainly not everyday someone headed to a lost planet to stop an invasion of a horde of mythical ancient mechanical creatures. If she failed, everything she had ever known would perish.

No pressure, really.

Shepard took a deep breath to quell her anxiety and snapped the last piece of her rifle back to its place.

Two had already died directly under her command ever since she had boarded the Normandy. How many more lives would be lost before everything was over? The realist in her knew the number would never be zero. This was war, even though the public didn't know a thing about the danger. And no war was ever won without sacrifices. All she could do was to minimize the damage, minimize the death count.

Shepard knew she shouldn't look at death as a number. But in the heat of battle, when life-altering decisions had to be made within seconds, sometimes being cold and calculating could save more lives, Shepard learned that the hard way from years of experience.

Was that why she had chosen Alenko over Williams? A tiny voice asked her once again in the back of her mind.

And once more, Shepard ignored that question. Death could never be just a number when it involved people she cared for. Time and again she had wondered if it was a mistake not to distance herself from Alenko. The answer was both yes and no. Yes, it was a mistake, but no, she would gladly make that mistake again and again even if she could travel back in time to a few months back.

She was glad she had met him; she was glad she had known him; and she was glad she had gotten close to him.

One more reason to fight with everything she got to save this damn galaxy – one more personal reason.

 

* * *

 

He didn't know how long he had been standing outside her door. In a few hours, they would arrive at Ilos, somewhere no one had been to before. What awaited them on Ilos, Kaidan had no clue. From the looks of it, this could very well be a one-way trip. He didn't like the odds, but as long as she was here, wherever she wanted to go, he would follow.

A few months ago, he had followed her straight into battle out of a sense of duty. Now, he volunteered to follow her not just because of that sense of duty, but something more. Much more.

There was no place he would rather be but here by her side, even when she was matching straight to hell.

The door wasn't locked, he knew Shepard wasn't sleeping. Kaidan had to wonder if she had gotten any sleep since they had left the Citadel. He had no doubt she knew too well the realistic chance of survival in this mission. So did he. In the strangest way, it wasn't his own death that he was afraid of, but rather hers. That single thought of losing Shepard had kept him awake more than a few nights.

They were both seasoned soldiers, they both knew the risks they signed on. Yet, it didn't mean he could stand seeing her injured. Or worse. Injuries she could be recovered from; death, on the other hand... Kaidan pressed his lips thin in irritation at himself when his mind wandered to a darker corner he had tried so hard to avoid.

No, they would make it out alive, he kept telling himself. They had to. Too much was at stake. He believed Shepard would get them through, and he would help her with everything he had. He had beaten the odds and survived from element zero exposure while most had died from brain cancer, while she had survived more times than she could keep track. If anyone could get this done, it's Commander Shepard.

But would that be enough?

Kaidan drew a deep breath to further quiet the uncertainty inside his head.

It was their last few precious hours before the storm hit, and he was still standing outside her door, thinking. Kaidan shook his head and refocused. Time was running out, and it's high time to shut his mind down and follow his heart. One last stolen moment, even if it was just five minutes with her, that was what he wanted before signing their potential death warrants.

Was that too much to ask?

Kaidan looked at the close door one more time and knocked.

 

* * *

 

There was a knock before the door opened. Shepard looked up.

“Commander,” Kaidan greeted as he walked in. The door closed behind him with a faint hiss.

“Still calling me that?”

“I don't want to distract you, Aerin.”

“You're not a distraction, Kaidan.” Shepard put the rifle back onto the table then stretched before leaning back on her chair. “Even if you are, you're a welcome one from all this mess.”

“Yeah, hell of a thing. We broke our oaths to defend the Alliance so we can keep it. What happens if this doesn't work out, Aerin?”

_Then we all die._ Shepard kept that thought to herself.

Kaidan continued, “We mutinied, stole a prototype warship, and if they want to get technically, they can throw in kidnapping. We are a hell of an example of humanity's best and brightest, huh?”

“Saren has to be stopped. I'm willing to pay the price to do the right thing, but dragging the crew down with me?” She shook her head. “Hell of a ship captain I am, huh?”

He leaned against the desk, facing her. “Well, if I didn't think you're doing the right thing, I wouldn't be here. Same goes for the rest of the crew. You gave them a chance to leave and no one took it. Anderson backed us on this. Hell, he even stole this ship for us. He wouldn't do that if he didn't think it's the right thing to do.”

“I remember you told me if I didn't trust myself, at least I should trust Anderson. I hope you're right.”

“I was right back then when he handed his ship to you. We believed in you then, we still believe in you now. The crew is willing to follow you to hell. Anderson is right in putting his trust in you.”

“I don't know what will happen when we get to Ilos. The truth is...” she trailed off, breaking off the gaze. “The truth is I'm not sure if we can make it back...”

It felt good to air it out, however stupid it might sound. If Kaidan was surprised by her admission, he didn't show. Instead, he put a hand on her shoulder and gave it a comfortable squeeze. He understood the odds as well as she did, Shepard knew. His silent support was all she needed.

Shepard took a deep breath and stood up from her chair. With her shoulders squared, she looked straight into his eyes once again. “But I know I'll get that bastard or die trying. And I know, no matter how this turns out, you will be there for me until the end.”

“You're right. It would really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I want you to know...” There was a slight pause. Shepard knew the words he was holding back. _I love you, too._ “Well... I've enjoyed serving under you.”

“I don't think you have,” she blurted out under her breath before she could stop herself.

Kaidan's eyes widened slightly as he realized his mistake. Still, there wasn't a hint of embarrassment. They merely shared a look and a laugh.

“Sorry, my mind just went somewhere it shouldn't,” Shepard apologized, trying to keep a straight face.

He shook his head with a chuckle. “Well, I did walk right into that, didn't I?”

“Must be the stress for both of us,” Shepard rationalized their missteps.

“You have it worse than any of us.” He reached out to brush a stray strand of hair off her face. His fingertips lingered on her cheek. She loved his touch, she realized.

“It can't be easy for you either, especially after Virmire. The overexertion on your implant and the psychological impact of surviving the trauma.”

His silence was her confirmation.

“Promise me you'll do a full check up once this is over.”

“Aerin--”

“Kaidan,” she interrupted firmly with a raised eyebrow. “Please.”

With a faint smile, he shook his head in defeat. “Yes, ma'am.”

Satisfied, Shepard continued, “And promise me whatever happens on Ilos, don't fry your brain again. I don't want any heroic.”

“Because heroic is your department?” he asked with a hint of teasing smirk.

“Because I care about you, Kaidan, more than anything else.” She could have played along with another banter, but she didn't. Time was running out. If she didn't tell him how she felt now, there wouldn't be another chance. Shepard held his gaze. He looked as though he was about to kiss her, and she wouldn't mind if he did. “Well, almost anything. I have to put you slightly behind stopping galactic destruction on my list. If there's no galaxy left, there won't be... us.”

He couldn't hold back a smile. “Quite the incentive you provide there. Stop the galaxy from destruction and I will get the woman of my dream? Sure, I'll fight like hell for that.”

“Mm hmm... Don't forget the shore leave afterward.”

He chuckled lightly. “Now you are just being cruel. How am I supposed to concentrate when all I can think about is us on shore leave?”

_There wouldn't be a shore leave if we died tomorrow..._ Shepard once again kept that thought to herself. Last night before matching into the unknown, last chance to seek peace before the storm. “You don't have to wait til shore leave.”

“What?”

She tilted her head and studied him. That mix of confusion and surprise on his face told her that he got her meaning but needed a confirmation. Always the careful one, Shepard mused, but wasn't that part of the reasons why she loved him?

_If we died tomorrow..._ “Stay.”

 

* * *

 

One simple word, that was all she needed to say to make his heart pound.

“...What?” he asked again, eyes widened, feeling very much like an idiot who could only stared at the beautiful woman standing in front of him. He was surprised by her offer, although it would be a flat out lie if he said he had never fantasized about it.

“You heard me.” There was a flicker of uncertainty in her eyes. “Unless you don't want to.”

“No! That's not what I-- I mean, you sure?” Words came stumbling. He still couldn't believe what he had heard. “You know, we could get kicked out of the service for fraternization,” he pointed out the obvious to ease his own nerves. “Of course, we'd probably get the firing squad for mutiny.”

Unfazed, Shepard merely shrugged. “Fraternization would be the least of our problems if the Alliance decided to play by the book. But somehow I don't think they will.”

“You think they'd let us slide just because – oh, I don't know – we saved the galaxy?”

“If we made it through and stopped Saren, we put humanity on the map,” Shepard analyzed as though she was discussing military strategy. “The galactic spotlight on us would then become our shield. The Alliance isn't stupid enough to court-martial us for saving the galaxy. Instead of putting us on scandalous trials, they'd put us on shore leave.”

Kaidan wasn't surprised she had thought it through. Although her matter-of-fact tone made it amusing when he considered the real topic they were discussing.

Shepard continued calmly, “And if we died, then this would be our last chance together.”

That hit home harder than he allowed it to show. She was right, they both knew that.

“If we failed, if the galaxy was destroyed tomorrow,” asked Shepard in a quiet voice, “how would you like to spend your last hours?”

There was no need to lie, not anymore. “...With you.”

She took a step closer. “Now, tell me, what is stopping you?”

Shepard was well within reach; she was close enough for him to smell the shampoo in her hair. Kaidan prided himself in his ability to resist and take a second to consider, even though what he wanted was to pin her against a wall and kiss her. “You know what? You're right. About everything. Whenever I think about losing you, I can't stand it. The galaxy would keep going. Everything. Even the Reapers would come around again. But you and I... We are important right now. This is what would never happen again. Us. Aerin, you make me feel... human.”

She took a step towards him, closing in the remaining distance, their bodies almost touching. He could feel his heart pounding wildly inside his chest, yet he still made no move.

“I couldn't have done any of these without you, Kaidan. You have kept me grounded from the beginning. I believe I haven't properly thank you for that.“

He grinned a little, still resisting the burning urge to kiss her. His gaze darted between those blue eyes and those pink lips, couldn't decide which to settle on. “Is that how you thank all your officers?”

“No. This is the first time.” She leaned even closer. “And you have become much more than that.”

His grin spread wider. “I'm glad.”

Her nose almost touched his. “So what are you waiting for, Alenko? You'd better kiss me this time before Joker could interrupt.”

As tempted as he was to do as she said, he couldn't help but tease her once more, “Is that an order?”

Much to his disappointment, she suddenly pulled back, although only enough for her to look straight into his eyes. “If I wanted a pet, I'd look elsewhere. I love you for who you are, someone who dares to stand up against me when I'm about to make mistakes, someone who has the strength to support me when I need it, and someone who will go out of his way to make me smile because he loves me.”

Never had he thought mere words could completely and utterly melt his heart, but hers did just that. His hand reached out to stroke the side of her cheek very gently. “I swear, if anything happens to you--”

She didn't give him the chance to finish and silenced him with a kiss. All thoughts dissipated in an instant when she parted her lips and he once again had a taste of her, that sweet taste he had secretly missed since he had last kissed her at the Citadel. The mounting tension that had been brewing between them burst into flame with that simple start.

He could feel the soft curves hidden under her uniform pressing against his chest; his heart pounded faster. Her hands sneaked around his waist, untucking his shirt to seek the skin underneath. Her taste, her touch, her warmth, everything about her pushed him off the edge, freeing him from the last bit of restraint. Grabbing her shoulders, he turned her and pinned her up against the nearest wall, then continued to kiss her until a faint moan vibrated within her throat. His lips soon abandoned hers to discover other parts of her body, tracing a path from her jawline to her neck and down. A soft gasp escaped from her lips encouraged him to explore further. And he eagerly obliged.

He was glad he had met her; he was glad he had known her; and he was glad he had gotten close to her. For once in his life, he allowed himself to indulge in his deepest desire, allowed himself to be lost in this woman he had grown to love more than life itself. Even if it was just for this one night.

 

* * *

 

What the hell had gotten into her?

She had been lying on her side studying his profile, thinking, after waking up from the deepest and most restful sleep she had for the longest time. Not wanting to wake him up, Shepard had barely moved, taking the much needed time alone to figure out what she was doing here, naked, with her lieutenant, just before the most important mission in her life.

Stress relief? Maybe. But it was more than that. If anything, it felt... right, despite going against all the rules and protocols that had been drilled into her head. If these were her final hours, that was exactly how she would want to spend it.

No regrets.

Mutiny, fraternization, all the rules she could never have imaged herself breaking were broken one by one. Eleven years of spotless record, and now she slipped. Mutiny because she had to, and fraternization because she wanted to.

And her partner in crime was the most disciplined soldier she had ever met, that amused her to no end. Was she such a bad influence on him? Had she corrupted the incorruptible? Shepard certainly hoped not.

Love would make people do strange things.

She turned her attention back to the sleeping man next to her. Her eyes traced along his profile, from his nose down to his lips. A smile slowly spread across her face despite herself when she recalled what they felt like when she kissed him.

Yes, love certainly made her do strange things. Like lying here while she should be up and preparing for upcoming mission. But then again, how many times did she have to run the same set of numbers over and over again? She was as prepared as she would ever be, physically and mentally. Lingering around to snuggle up to a warm body wasn't too much to ask when she could die in the next hour, was it?

A few months ago, her answer would have been yes. But now, it was a definite no.

Love not only made her do strange things, it had changed her, Shepard realized with an odd mix of horror and fascination.

And to think she had never been a true believer in that strange emotion humans called love. Well, until now.

But still, as much as she would like to just stay in bed by his side, she should be up. If not preparing for the mission, at least allowed Kaidan to have the entire bed to himself. When was the last time he had been sleeping this peacefully? Shepard had to wonder. Possibly before they had been assigned to the Normandy, and definitely before Virmire.

Virmire. That nagging tiny voice once again sneaked up on her deep inside her head, reminding her the price she had to pay in order to have him in her arms, in her bed. And the price was one face, one name: Ashley Williams. Shepard's expression darkened more than a few shades as she kicked that voice away. It was the price of war, the price for peace, not the price she paid to keep Kaidan alive.

Wasn't it?

Shepard had long learned not to think about the what-ifs and could-have-beens in her entire career, or else they would break her if she let them. It was an advice given to her by her father after Elysium, an advice she held close to her heart. But once in a blue moon, doubts sneaked up on her, questioning her judgments, criticizing her decisions.

Even the Commander Shepard was not immune to self-doubt. After all, despite the public image the Alliance had carefully constructed for her, building her to be their recruiting mascot, Aerin Shepard was very much just a woman who would get angry, hurt, and sometimes even scared. It was a fact many conveniently had ignored, and only a few had chosen to see.

And the man beside her was one of the few. She loved him for that, and much more.

Shepard slowly untangled her limbs from Kaidan's, taking extra care not to wake him up. But she failed despite her effort. Kaidan stirred. For a split second, Shepard froze, wondering what to say to him. Morning after could be awkward as hell if not handled properly. But then, what they had wasn't just a casual fling; he wasn't that type, neither was she.

With nothing but a blanket covering both of them, he was just as vulnerable as she was. No, Shepard quickly corrected herself, he could still kill easily even when he was naked. Biotics, killing machines with legs, Shepard thought with a hint of smirk, that's why she had always found them fascinating. This human biotic in particular. That incredible power hidden behind that handsome face, controlled by that impeccable discipline, Shepard couldn't find a more perfect man even if she tried.

Kaidan saved her from further contemplation when he slowly opened his eyes. She propped herself up on an elbow to observe him. Warm brown eyes scanned the room in a daze for a second or two before noticing her. Shepard allowed a tiny smile to escape.

“Good morning,” she settled for a neutral greeting.

A lazy smile played on his lips as he reached out to tuck some of her hair behind her ear and stroke the side of her face gently. “Morning,” he mumbled.

Her smile widened. Everything felt right, like two pieces of puzzle fitted naturally together, almost as if they had been together many times before. A part of her melted despite herself. She could really get used to this.

“How long have you been up?” His voice was a bit coarse from sleep.

“Not long.”

“Why didn't you wake me?”

“Didn't have the heart.”

“Could have spent a bit more time together.”

To that, she gave him a teasing smirk. “We should do this more often, huh?”

He chuckled. “I really look forward to our shore leave.”

“Why wait til then?” She leaned down to claim his lips.

It was the best morning Shepard had had for a long time, until Joker's voice through the comm that once again interrupted them. “Bridge to Commander Shepard. We are five minutes out from the Mu Relay.”

Shepard broke off the kiss with a groan and a scowl. “Just when I needed him to fly slower. I swear he did this on purpose,” she complained under her breath.

Kaidan only laughed at her reaction.

She looked into his eyes with a mischievous smile. “He did say five minutes. That's plenty of time...”

“Five minutes is not enough with someone like you.” He gave her one quick peck. “I prefer to take my time.”

Blue eyes narrowed slightly in a fake glare. “Sometimes I hate your self-control.”

Again, he laughed. “Come on, Aerin. If you don't save the galaxy, there won't be anything left for our shore leave.”

“All right. Let's get this over with asap.” Reluctantly, she pushed herself away from that comfortable chest she had been lying on. “I'm not done with you yet, Alenko.”

“I sure hope not.”

Reaching for her hastily discarded clothes, with well-practiced speed and grace, she was dressed in under one minute flat. By the time she was done, her heart and mind had already gone to the most critical mission of her life that was waiting for her. Standing at her full height, Shepard took a deep breath and donned on her commander face like a pair of well-fitted gloves.

A warm hand reached for hers before she could head for the exit.

“Hey, wait.”

“Mm?” Shepard turned with a questioning eyebrow raised, only to find Kaidan sitting on the bed almost fully-dressed, except for the shirt that was in his hand. Her eyes involuntarily dropped down to his chest before she consciously adjusted her gaze back to his face again.

His fingers wrapped around hers in a firm yet gentle grip. “Be careful out there.”

Her lips curled up before she could stop herself. Shepard took care not to make any promises that she could not keep. Instead, she leaned in closer and touched the side of his face. “Don't ever overexert your biotics again,” she reminded him softly. “I need you, Kaidan.” _I love you._ “Remember that.”

She gave him a tender kiss right on his lips and left for the bridge, holding that loving smile of his close to her heart. The pure bliss she felt when they collapsed in exhaustion after the height of passion, those three little words he whispered to her when he was still inside her, those were the things she wanted to remember when she took her last breath. Even if she were to die today on the battlefield, Shepard had no regrets.

None.


	31. Ilos

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 30: Ilos

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Bridge

 

Jumping across the galaxy through the mass relays was an art, and Joker was a master at it. But throughout his career, no jumps had ever been as exhilarating as this one. Jumping through a relay that had been lost for four thousand years and landing onto a part of the galaxy that wasn't even on the map? That was priceless.

Joker grinned to himself as he ran the procedural checks after the jump.

“Thrusters. Check. Navigation. Check. All systems online. Stealth systems engaged.” Joker turned to the visitors on his bridge. “Welcome to the lost worlds, ladies and gentlemen.”

With Shepard's Six gathering around, his cockpit was more crowded than usual. Six plus one, Joker corrected himself as he flew the Normandy towards the Refuge System. Pressly had joined them.

“By the Goddess.” Liara looked out the window with a gasp. “I can't believe we are really here. There were countless of expeditions planning to chart a route to Ilos using FTL, but none of them got beyond the planning stages.”

“FTL?” asked Tali. “How long would their journey be without the Mu Relay?”

“It could take years or even decades just to reach Ilos,” said Liara.

“Keelah...”

“And here we are heading to Ilos.” said Liara. “All we know about the is is through second-hand sources found in other ruins. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to learn more about this lost Prothean planet first-hand. Imagine what we can find on the surface!”

_Like a kid in the candy story_ , Joker mused as he idly listened to the conversation. As fun as flying was, sometimes it could be boring when everything was under-controlled and the ship was set cruising. Joker didn't mind this in-flight live entertainment.

“We're not on an expedition, Liara,” Kaidan reminded her kindly.

“Right. I'm sorry. Of course.”

“You could always come back when this is over,” said Kaidan.

“Yes, I'd like that.”

Shepard had remained quiet ever since she had joined him at the bridge. Silence was never a good sign coming from the commander, sometimes it was downright scary. Like right now. It reminded Joker too much of an eerily calm night before a giant storm hit and destroyed everything on its path. What Shepard had in her mind, Joker could guess, and it probably involved different ways of killing that asshole Saren.

As much as he wanted that bastard dead for what he had done, Joker didn't want to know the details of the deed.

He was a pilot, not a soldier.

And not just any pilot, but the best in the fleet. The very first person who flew a ship through the Mu Relay in more than four thousand years. Joker made a mental note to put that achievement down on his resume, right next to 'saving the galaxy.'

Something out there captured Joker's attention.

_What the shit?_

Joker narrowed his bright green eyes at the view outside the cockpit. Ilos was in sight, and there were more of those Reaper vessels orbiting the planet than his fingers could count. Shepard was not going like this.

“Er, Commander?” He grabbed the boss' attention tentatively. “We've got company.”

He heard Shepard stepping up right behind the pilot seat, still silent as a ghost. He didn't need to look at the commander to know there was a frown with those piercing blue eyes were glaring at the Reaper vessels. Although her icy glare could paralyze any mortals, it did nothing on giant ships.

“Have their sensors picked us up yet?” asked Liara, her previous excitement about her dream expedition was all but gone.

“The stealth systems are engaged,” Joker replied, keeping his cool despite the situation. “Unless we get close enough for a visual, they won't have any idea we are here.”

“Picking up some strange readings from the planet surface,” Pressly reported.

Shepard finally spoke, “Take us down, Joker. Lock in on the coordinates.”

“Negative on that, Commander,” said Pressly. “The nearest landing zone's two clicks away.”

“We'll never make it in time on foot,” said Kaidan. “Get us something closer.”

“There _is_ nowhere closer,” Pressly snapped. “I've looked.”

“Drop us in the mako,” Shepard revised her order. Unlike her XO's, the commander's tone embedded the three Cs: calm, cool, and collected. Joker approved.

“You need at least a hundred meters of open terrain to pull of a drop like that,” said Pressly. “The most I can find near Saren is twenty.”

And all hell broke loose in Joker's sanctuary.

“Twenty meters? We can't make a drop in there.”

“We have to try.”

“Find another landing zone.”

“There is no other landing zone!”

“The descend angle is too steep!”

“It's our only option.”

“It's not an option, it's a suicide run!”

While Shepard's team and Pressly debated heatedly, the commander remained quiet. Joker wished her team could follow her lead and shut the hell up. Resisting the urge of kicking everyone out of his cockpit, Joker blocked out all the noise to think.

_Twenty meters..._ Green eyes narrowed further.

This mission needed him. Shepard needed him.

“I can do it,” said Joker, silencing everyone on the bridge.

Shepard finally broke her silence, “Joker?” There was a edge hidden under her cool and calm voice, saying words she didn't have to say. _Are you sure? You'd better not be shitting me._

The galaxy needed him. Shepard needed him.

“I can do it,” Joker repeated firmly.

That was all Shepard needed to hear. “Gear up and head down to the mako,” she ordered her team. “Joker, drop us right on top of that bastard.”

Her trust in him was touching, warming Joker's cynical heart. “Aye, aye, Commander.”

He heard footsteps filing out of his cockpit, then felt a hand on his shoulder giving him a familiar pat. Shepard's. A faint smile curled on his thin lips.

“Hey, Commander,” Joker turned and called out.

Shepard stopped in her tracks. “Yeah?”

_Thanks for believing in me._ “Good luck down there.”

The commander nodded. “You are the best pilot, Joker. If anyone can pull this off, it's you.”

Shepard had caught him completely off-guard. Joker couldn't hide a grin fast enough this time. “Damn right I am.”

“Now is your chance to show off your skill, Mister,” said the commander. “Drop us in nice and quiet, and drinks are on me when this is over.”

That woman knew her way to a man's heart, Joker mused with his grin widened. “Yes, ma'am! Oh, and Commander? Punch that bastard for me.” He tipped his cap at her as he had once did when he had first met her.

Shepard gave him a rare smile before she turned and headed down to the mako. Damn if she didn't look pretty hot when she smiled like that, Joker thought idly as he turned back to his consoles. Taking a deep breath, he adjusted his cap and rolled his shoulders.

_Let's do this, Normandy. Time to show the galaxy what this cripple kid is capable of._

 

* * *

 

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Mako

 

“Twenty meters... It doesn't give us any margin of error,” said Garrus while he checked the gunnery control inside the mako, waiting for Joker to drop them off on the surface. “You sure about this?”

A good turian never questioned orders, even if it was a bad one. But Garrus had never been a good turian, and he never cared to be one. As far as he concerned, seating next to him in the driver's seat inside the mako wasn't just the leader of this mission, but a good friend of his. All geared up in her armor, the commander made an intimidating figure, especially when she put on a stone cold face. But Garrus knew her better; underneath that stotic front, Shepard was just an anxious as he was.

Shepard remained quiet for a moment.

“If Joker missed...” Garrus left out the consequence. Shepard knew it as well as he did.

_We'll all die._

“This is our only chance,” said Shepard eventually. “If we don't give this a try...”

_We'll all die_ , Garrus finished it for her inside his head. “Let's hope Joker is as good as he claims.”

“It doesn't matter whether we think he can do it or not. I only need him to believe he can pull this off.”

That was strangely enlightening. “And that's why you're our leader.”

“Sometimes I wish Anderson was here leading instead.”

The pressure was getting to her, Garrus realized. The weight of the entire galaxy fell onto one woman's shoulders, Garrus wasn't sure if he could sustain that type of pressure. “You're one of the best soldiers I've ever seen. You'd even make a turian general proud, and – believe me – they are notoriously hard to please.”

“Stealing a warship? Mutiny?” Shepard arched an eyebrow. “The Turian Hierarchy would have my head.”

“Don't let the propaganda fool you, but the Hierarchy have played more than their share of dirty tricks to win wars.”

“History is written by the victors.”

“Exactly,” said Garrus. “I'm sure when we win this, the Council will conveniently forget they had grounded us while claiming it's their idea to send us into Ilos.”

Shepard shook her head with a snort. “Don't forget Udina. He'll probably claim he's the one who handed us the key to the Normandy.”

They felt a familiar shake. The mako had been positioned right in front of the hanger bay exit, readied to be launched.

Garrus noticed Shepard's brows tightened. The anticipation was killing both of them.

“We'll get this done, Aerin,” he told her, then added with a casual tone, “Don't forget we still have a score to settle after this – who's the better shot between us.”

“Was there ever any doubt on that?” asked Shepard with a hint of smirk. “We don't even need to start to know what's going to win.”

“We both know it's me, but waving the white flag before the fight even starts? That's so not like you, Shepard.”

“Don't cry when I hand your ass to you, Vakarian.”

“Turians don't cry. A few drops of tears are enough to drown us and make us flail our arms around like idiots.”

That earned a chuck from Shepard despite the tension. Garrus was glad.

“I'm going to miss you once this is over,” said Shepard quietly after a faint sigh.

It was a sentiment he definitely shared, although Garrus was never good at expressing it. “We're not marching into our funerals, are we?” Perhaps that was not the best way to put it. Garrus quickly continued before Shepard had a chance to answer, “I'll still be around, Aerin.”

Shepard made a non-committal sound.

“You know what I'll miss the most? Those talks in the elevator,” Garrus said as he did a final check on all the weapon systems. “It was a great time to share.”

“Tell me about it...” There was a short pause. “Garrus?”

“Yeah?”

There was yet another pause. “...Thanks.”

Before he could say another word, Garrus heard a sudden shift in the sound of the Normandy engine core. _This is it._

“Get ready,” said Shepard, her demeanor changed immediately.

And then, Garrus felt it.

 

* * *

 

Shepard could feel the sharp descend of the Normandy even inside the mako.

_Come on, Joker, you can do this..._

Suddenly, the door to the hanger bay began to crack open, a ray of light started to flood through the dimmed lower level. “Finally...” Her hands quickly moved over to the console in front of her, releasing the final security latch on the vehicle. The mako was ready to go.

She heard Garrus drew a sharp breath next to her in the gunnery seat. Shepard couldn't blame him, for the view in front was a heart-stopping one. The Normandy was nose-diving onto Ilos, and they were right at the belly of the ship, on the verge of free falling. The planet surface magnified too quickly; patches of green soon became mountains then trees, and brown dots just a second ago was now clearly ancient buildings of some sort. If she didn't know the plan, she would have thought they were crush landing.

Shepard's eyes never left the window, her fingers on the console, waiting for the familiar jolt as the Normandy released the mako onto the surface.

Then came Joker's voice, “Releasing the mako in three, two, one.”

And there was the jolt she had been waiting for. The mako dropped from the Normandy's hanger bay as the ship took an immediate sharp turn back up into the sky before crushing down onto the planet. Shepard immediately activated the element zero core and the thrusters to soften the landing.

Joker did it, Shepard released a breath she had been holding. Threading the needle with a frigate, the brass had better pinned a medal on her pilot for pulling this stunt.

“There he is!” said Garrus all of a sudden.

Shepard saw a glimpse of a turian surrounded by Geth before the mako's wheels touched the ground. Saren.

“Damn it! He's getting away!” Garrus immediately prepared to fire.

But it was too late. Saren and his Geth had retreated back into a tunnel and sealed the entrance with a stone gate. The mako landed right in front of it with a violent thump.

Shepard scowled harshly at the gate. Another missed opportunity. How many could she afford to miss?

“There is no other way around that gate,” said Kaidan after reading the sensor. “We have to find a way to open it.”

“Or blow it up,” suggested Wrex.

“No!” Liara protested. “This ruin is old. It might collapse and seal the path.”

“Then let it collapse onto Saren and his Geth,” said Tali. “Save us some trouble.”

“Do it,” Shepard told Garrus.

“Switching to cannon.” Garrus powered up the gun and fired.

Firing at such short distance, the explosion hit the mako. But when the dust and smoke settled, the gate remained.

_Damn it!_

“There's got to be another way to open the gate,” said Kaidan. “We just have to find it.”

“And fast.” Shepard exited the mako with her rifle in her hands. “Liara, look around and see what you can find.”

“Right. I'm on it.”

“Wrex, Tali, stay with Liara,” Shepard ordered then tapped her earpiece. “Joker, stay in orbit and stay out of sight.”

“Aye, aye, Commander.”

“And Joker?”

“Yeah?”

“Nice work. Shepard out.”

Shepard swallowed a sigh. Setting foot on a lost planet felt nothing special to her, all she could think of was Saren and the Reapers. She had let Saren get away twice, there would never be a third time.

 

* * *

 

Location: Ilos Archives 

 

A stone gate and hundred of Geth weren't enough to stop Shepard from pursuing an indoctrinated madman. But an impenetrable force field barrier might.

Shepard stopped the mako in front of yet another obstacle. This time, it wasn't another stone gate, but an energy barrier of some sort.

“Doesn't even scratch the surface.” Garrus powered down the cannon after his second try.

“Let's find a way to shut down the barrier,” said Shepard, exiting the mako with a scowl.

Liara followed closely behind. “The power sources for the Prothean barriers are usually--” The doctor stopped with a gasp and pointed at a door nearby. “Aerin, look.”

Shepard saw it. The door had opened by itself. Her frown tightened further.

“Did we just trigger some sort of alarm?” asked Garrus as he looked around cautiously but taking care not to move one step further.

“Doubt it,” said Kaidan. “If this were simple an automated trap, Saren would have triggered it already.”

Light began to came through the doorway, brighter and brighter by the second, as though someone had switched the lights on one by one in a long-abandoned hallway.

“I'm going in,” Shepard announced and approached the doorway with her rifles in her hands.

“I'm coming with you,” said Liara.

Shepard marched through the hallway and into an elevator with her team behind. Tried as she might, she couldn't shake off that uneasy feeling she had even since they had landed on this planet.

“I have studied the Protheans for decades, but I have never felt this sense of foreboding,” said Liara as the elevator descended. “What will we find down there?”

A blue glow began to envelop Kaidan's body. “Whatever we find, be cautious.”

The elevator stopped. The door opened to reveal a large empty room with a long pathway leading to a console at the end of a platform. This was not what Shepard had expected.

“What is this place?” asked Tali quietly.

“I have never seen anything like this in my research,” said Liara.

Shepard adjusted her grip on her rifle as she approached the console. Before she could even touch the panel, a highly distorted image of a VI popped up. Startled, reflex reaction took over, Shepard's gun aimed straight at it.

“You are not Prothean,” said a voice from the console. “You are no machine, either.”

“Looks like some kind of VI program,” said Kaidan, running a scan on his omni-tool. “Pretty badly damaged.”

“This eventuality was one of many that was anticipated,” said the VI. “This is why we sent our warning through the beacons.”

“You sent the warning?” Shepard frowned, lowering her weapon.

“This is incredible!” Liara breathed. “An actual Prothean VI, and I can understand it!”

“I have been monitoring your communications since you arrived at this facility. I have translated my output into a format you will comprehend,” explained the VI. “I do not sense the taint of indoctrination upon any of you. Unlike the other that passed recently. Perhaps there is still hope.”

_Indoctrination?_ “Saren was here,” said Shepard. “Who are you?”

“My name is Vigil. You are safe here, for the moment. But that is likely to change. Soon, nowhere will be safe.”

“Are you some kind of artificial intelligence program?”

“I am an advanced non-organic analysis system with personality imprints from Ksad Ishan, chief overseer of the Ilos research facility.”

“Why did you bring me here?”

“You must break a cycle that has continued for millions of years. But to stop it, you must understand or you will make the same mistakes we did.”

_Break a cycle that has continued for_ millions _of years?_ Shepard took a silent breath.

“The Citadel is the heart of your civilization and the seat of government,” said Vigil. “As it was with us, and as it has been with every civilization that came before us. But the Citadel is a trap.”

_A trap?_ Shepard shared a sharp look with Kaidan.

“The station is actually an enormous mass relay,” Vigil continued to explain. “One that links to dark space, the empty void beyond the galaxy's horizon.”

Shepard's frown tightened with each word. _Don't tell me..._

“When the Citadel relay is activated, the Reapers will pour through. And all you know will be destroyed.”

_Shit!_ “The Reapers can wipe out the Council and the entire Citadel fleet in a single surprise attack!”

“That was our fate,” said Vigil. “Our leaders were dead before we even realized we were under attack. The Reapers seized control of the Citadel and through it, the mass relays. Communications and transportation across our empire were crippled. Each star system was isolated, cut off from the others. Easy prey for the Reaper fleets.”

Divide and conquer. Or in a doctrinal military term, defeat in detail. It was one of Shepard's favorite strategies, one she had used to survive on Elysium.

“Over the next decades, the Reapers systematically obliterated our people,” Vigil continued. “World by world, system by system, they methodically wiped us out.”

“Some of you must have managed to survive,” said Shepard. There were always survivors in war. Someone who was hidden, someone who dodged the bullets.

“Through the Citadel, the Reapers had access to all our records, maps, census data. Information is power, and they knew everything about us. Their fleets advanced across every settled region of the galaxy. Some worlds were utterly destroyed. Others were conquered, their population enslaved. These indoctrinated servants became sleeper agents under Reapers control. Taken in as refugees by other Protheans, they betrayed them to the machines.”

Trojan horse. Genius. Shepard shut her eyes and hated herself for admiring the Reaper's strategies.

“Within a few centuries, the Reapers had killed or enslaved every Prothean in the galaxy. They were relentless, brutal, and absolutely thorough.”

“So where did the Reapers go after they conquered your people?”

“Our worlds were stripped bare, harvested by indoctrinated slaves. Everything of value – all resources, all technology – was taken. Certain that all advanced organic life had been extinguished, the Reapers retreated back through the Citadel relay into dark space, sealing it behind them. All evidence of the Reaper invasion had been wiped away. Only their indoctrinated slaves were left behind, abandoned. Mindless husks no longer capable of independent thought, the indoctrinated soon starved or died of exposure. The genocide of the Protheans was complete.”

“Wait a minute,” said Kaidan. “How come nobody ever noticed the Citadel was an inactive mass relay?”

“The Reapers are careful to keep the greatest secrets of the Citadel hidden. That is why they created a species of seemingly benign organic caretakers,” said Vigil.

“So when the Reapers created the Citadel, they created the keepers as well?” asked Shepard.

“A more likely scenario is that the keepers were one of the early harvested civilizations. Perhaps the very first. Perhaps they responded well to indoctrination or the Reapers simply bred them to be obedient. In any case, they were left behind to operate and maintain the Citadel. But the keepers are not longer directly controlled by Sovereign or its ilk. They evolved so that they only respond to the signals emitted by the Citadel itself.

“The keepers maintain the station's most basic functions. They enable any species that discovers the Citadel to use it without fully understanding the technology. Reliance on the keepers ensures no other species will never discover the Citadel's true nature. Not until the relay is activated and the Reapers invade.”

Shepard couldn't help but admire the ingenuity. The agents of the Reapers were right under their noses all these time.

“That would explain the Geth,” said Shepard. “Sovereign must have realized organic races were difficult to control.”

“A likely hypothesis. The keepers evolved in an unanticipated direction. Non-organic servants like the Geth would be more predictable.”

“How did you manage to stay hidden?” asked Liara.

“All official records of our project were destroyed in the initial attack on the Citadel. While the Protheans empire came crashing down, Ilos was spared. We severed all communication with the outside and our facility went dark. The personnel retreated underground into these archives. To conserve resources, everyone was put into cryogenic stasis. I was programmed to monitor the facility and wake the staff when the danger had passed. But the genocide of an entire species is a long, slow process. Years passed. Decades, centuries. The Reapers persisted. And my energy reserves were dwindling.”

Shepard shook her head. “You should have fought!”

“We were a few hundred against a galactic invasion fleet. Our only hope was to remain undetected. I began to disable the life support of non essential personnel. First support staff, then security. One by one, their pods were shut down to conserve energy.”

Shepard's frown tightened further.

“Eventually, only the stasis pods of the top scientists remained active. Even these were in danger of failing when the Reapers finally retreated back through the Citadel relay.”

“There were hundreds of stasis pods out there!” said Kaidan. “You just shut them down? You killed them?”

“You were programmed to protect them! Not kill them!” said Shepard.

“This outcome was not completely unforeseen,” said Vigil. “My actions were a result of contingency programming entered on my creation.”

“I bet they didn't tell the 'non-essential' staff about this contingency,” said Garrus.

“I saved key personnel,” Vigil replied. “When the Reapers retreated, the top researchers were still alive. My actions are the only reason any hope remain. When the researchers woke, they realized the Prothean species was doomed. They were only a dozen individuals left, far too few to sustain a viable population. Yet they vowed to find some way to stop the Reapers from returning. A way to break the cycle forever.”

“What do the Reapers get out of this?” asked Shepard. “Why do they keep repeating this pattern of genocide over and over?”

“The Reapers are alien, unknowable. Perhaps they need slaves or resources. More likely, they are driven by motives and goals organic beings cannot hope to comprehend. In the end, what does it matter? Your survival depends on stopping them, not in understanding them.”

To that, Shepard agreed. “How do I stop them?”

“The Conduit is the key,” said Vigil. “Before the Reapers attacked, we Protheans were on the cusp of unlocking the mysteries behind mass relay technology. Ilos was a top secret facility. Here, researchers worked to create a small-scale version of a mass relay. One that linked directly to the Citadel: the hub of the relay network.”

“The Conduit is not a weapon,” said Kaidan. “It is a back door onto the Citadel!”

Pieces of puzzle came together inside her head to form a full picture. “Saren wants to use the Conduit to gain access to the Citadel!”

“The Conduit gives him access to the Citadel and the keepers,” confirmed Vigil. “The keepers are controlled by the Citadel. Before each invasion, a signal is sent through the station, compelling the keepers to activate the Citadel relay. After decades of feverish study, the scientists discovered a way to alter this signal. Using the Conduit, they gained access to the Citadel and made the modifications. This time when Sovereign sent the signal to the Citadel, the keepers ignored it. The Reapers are trapped in dark space.”

No open relay, no invasion. Shepard's face darkened. “Saren wants to use the Conduit to bypass all the Citadel's external defenses.”

“Correct,” said Vigil. “And once inside, he will transfer control of the station to Sovereign. Sovereign will override the Citadel's systems and manually open the relay. And the cycle of extinction will begin again.”

_SHIT!_ “Is there anyway we can stop them?”

“There's a data file on my console. Take a copy when you go. When you reach the Citadel's master control unit, upload it to the station. It will corrupt the Citadel's security protocols and give you temporary control over the station. It might give you a chance against Sovereign.”

“Wait,” said Garrus. “Where's the Citadel's master control unit? I've never heard of anything like that.”

“Through the Conduit. Follow Saren. He will lead you to your destination.”

“Just a few more questions, Aerin, please. We'll never get a chance like this,” said Liara, her eyes shone in a way Shepard had never seen in her before.

Once in a lifetime opportunity, Liara had said that at the bridge of the Normandy. Shepard nodded and went to download the file while the doctor satisfied her curiosity.

“What about the beacon on Eden Prime?” asked Liara. “And the one on Virmire? What were they for?”

“At our apex, the beacons spanned the breadth of our empire. We used them as a single galaxy-wide network to transmit data and communications rapidly from world to world. Virtually, all the beacons were destroyed during the invasion. But once the Reapers were gone, the survivors here on Ilos decided to risk sending out a message.

We knew it was unlikely there were other survivors. But if there were, we wanted them to know about Ilos. We wanted to give them hope. So a message was sent across the network.”

“That's a risky move.” Shepard shook her head. “You could have exposed yourself to the Reapers.”

“In truth, we didn't expect any of the beacons would still function, but we had to try. If there were survivors, we had to reach them. The message was meant for our own people. It was coded so only organic beings could interpret it. We still didn't understand the power of Reaper indoctrination. We never realized it could lead an agent of the machines – like Saren – to this world. But it has also led you here. So perhaps we did not fail after all.”

“What happened to the survivors from the Conduit Project?” asked Liara.

“They used the Conduit to gain access to the Citadel, but the Conduit is only a prototype. The portal only links in one direction, so they were trapped on the station. I do not know what became of them then. It is unlikely they found any food or water on the station. I fear they suffered a slow, grim death.”

“By the Goddess...” Liara breathed.

“I only know they succeeded in their mission to seal the relay,” said Vigil. “Your presence here proves their sacrifice was not in vain.”

Download completed. Shepard forwarded a copy to Kaidan's omni-tool. “Saren's got enough of a head start,” said Shepard. “Let's go!”

“The one you call Saren has not reached the Conduit. Not yet. There is still hope if you hurry.”

Shepard turned and hurried back to elevator while tapping on her earpiece. “Shepard to Normandy.”

“Normandy here,” Joker replied.

“Change of plan,” said Shepard. “Sending you a recording. Forward it to Admiral Hackett, Captain Anderson and the Council. Saren is heading to the Citadel through the Conduit, bypassing the defense. Tell Hackett to send everything they have to the Citadel asap. Rendezvous with the Fifth Fleet and assist them in the battle. I'm going after Saren from here. Meet you back at the Citadel.”

To Joker's credits, he didn't question. “Yes, ma'am.”

Shepard paused to take a deep breath as the elevator took them back to their mako. She felt someone took her gloved hand. Kaidan.

Shepard turned to him without masking her weariness. Wordlessly, they exchanged a long look and he gave her a firm nod. No matter how this turned out, he would be here for her, she knew. Couldn't muster up a smile even if she tried, Shepard returned his supportive gesture with her own faint nod.

For everything she cherished and everyone she loved, she had to stop the invasion. Failure was not an option.

 

* * *

 

“That must be the Conduit,” said Garrus while firing the machine gun at the Geth troopers.

Shepard saw it. At the bottom of the slope was a clearing, and right in the middle of it was a familiar shape she had seen too many times. It was a small mass relay, very much like the sculpture in the Citadel, except for the center of this one spun like the other working relays.

“Careful,” warned Kaidan while reading the sensors. “More Geth in front. Colossus.”

“Switching to cannon,” said Garrus.

“I don't have time for this.” Shepard hit the acceleration, running over any Geth dared standing in her way.

Charging down the slope, the mako picked up much needed momentum and speed. Four Colossi were in front guarding the Conduit, but Shepard ignored them. Instead, she pushed the mako to its maximum speed, making a beeline for the giant structure at the end.

The mako shook as it took a hit from one of the Colossi. Shepard didn't even bat an eye. There was only one thing in her mind: the Conduit.

“Shield is holding at 80%,” said Kaidan.

Garrus' cannon hit one of them squarely in the head. “Down you go!”

Another hit shook the vehicle more violently than last time.

“60%,” Kaidan reported.

“They're coming after us!” said Tali.

“I got this,” said Garrus as he swung the machine gun backwards and fired at those three Geth chasing at their tail to slow them down.

“They're charging their beams!” Kaidan warned.

Shepard swirled the mako out of harm's way the last second. The mako almost flipped, yet Shepard had no intention of slowing down. Blue eyes narrowed, Shepard's sight locked onto the Conduit. It would take more than four Colossi and an army of Geth to stop her.

“Grab onto something!” That was the only warning Shepard gave to her team when she drove the mako up the ramp and flew straight into the Conduit.

Tali and Liara screamed.

 

* * *

 

A/N: More Shepard with Garrus and Joker, a prelude to part 2 of this trilogy where Shepard and Garrus' bromance blooms. Kaidan will still show up in part 2, he's not entirely MIA like he was in ME2. The story keeps getting bigger, 30 chapters and we're still not at the end of part 1 yet. A big thank you to those who left me a note in different ways. It gives me motivation to writing everyday knowing there are readers out there waiting for the next chapter. It's a daunting task, writing a story this size, so thank you for your support. You can always reach me by leaving a PM here, or tumblr pinoko-k, or email at pinoko19 at gmail.

Thanks for reading.

 


	32. Battle of the Citadel

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 31: Battle of the Citadel

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel

 

“...Aerin...” A voice calling for her from a distant.

“Aerin.” That voice called out again, closer this time. Shepard struggled to open her eyes. All she could see was smoke, then a face.

_Kaidan?_

Blue eyes immediately darted around and registered her surrounding. She was lying on the floor of the mako, but the orientation was off. She blinked hard to clear her vision and noticed everything had turned upside down. The floor underneath her was the roof. There was smoke coming through from the panels in front of the driver seat, which was now hanging right above her head.

“Hey, you all right?” asked Kaidan.

“Yeah...”

He helped her up then reached out to touch her forehead. Shepard winced and flinched.

“Sorry. Must have hit the console. You passed out for a few seconds,” Kaidan told her. “We should check for concussion.”

“I'm fine--” It was an automated response, one she had been using on just about anyone for years. But Kaidan wasn't just anyone. Shepard immediately softened her tone. “Just a scratch. It's not the first time I've hit my head.”

Kaidan didn't seem convinced. “More than a scratch. You have a cut and a nasty bruise.”

“It adds character.”

He looked at her in defeat and shook his head. “Let me know if you start to have a headache.”

The mako suddenly shook, grabbing both of their attention. The vehicle shook again, more violently this time. Shepard turned around just in time to see Wrex kicking the door open.

“Come on, let's get out of here!” Wrex led the way out of the wreckage. The partially blocked exit was a tight squeeze for his size.

Shepard looked around to check on the rest of her team. “Everyone all right?”

“I'm not hurt, Aerin,” said Liara as she got back on her feet.

“Running a scan on my environmental suit,” said Tali. “No tear so far.”

“Anyone seen my sniper rifle?” asked Garrus.

Shepard spotted a glimpse of a familiar handle nearby and picked up the gun. “Here's your sweetheart.” She tossed Garrus' beloved weapon back to him.

Garrus caught it with one hand. “That's it, Shepard. Next time, I'll drive.”

“Not my fault.” Shepard gave him an indignant look. “It's the mako!”

Then she heard gunshots.

“Trouble.” Shepard grabbed her rifle. “Take everything we need, we're not coming back,” she ordered then dived through the rabbit hole and crawled out of the wreckage.

And then more gunshots before she could get back on her feet.

“Look out!” warned Wrex.

Shepard rolled out of a line of rapid fire from a Geth nearby, then immediately leaped behind a cover and returned the favor, aiming straight at its flashlight head. With constant practice in the past few months, it wasn't a stretch to call herself an expert in killing Geth. Her target went down in a few heartbeats without giving her trouble. But it wasn't alone. Shepard bolted from her cover and jammed the butt of her rifle at the head of a husk that had gotten too close, then spun around and landed a punch straight at the face of another one that tried to sneak up on her, hard enough to break its neck.

Wrex headbutted the last Geth and kicked its body out of his way. “This place is crawling with Geth, Sheaprd,” he told her as he reloaded his shotgun. “We'd better hurry.”

Shepard scowled at those synthetic bodies by her boots. Wrex was right, she knew. No doubt there would be more around the corner welcoming her arrival before she could put an end to this.

As her team one by one came out of the damaged mako, Shepard took a moment to glance around, she almost couldn't recognize the location if it wasn't for the famous relay sculpture. The Presidium was completely destroyed as if it had been hit by a bomb. Several bombs. The pristine level now filled with debris, fires were burning everywhere.

Liara let out a soft gasp. “What happened here?”

The alarm system rang throughout the once tranquil lake of the Citadel, but a feminine voice could still be heard among the blasting siren. “Please begin emergency evacuation procedures. This is not a drill.”

_Avina?_

Kaidan approached a nearby console of the Citadel VI. “Looks like it's still functional.”

“The Presidium is experiencing severe system malfunctions across the entire level,” said Avina. “All non-emergency personnel must evacuate immediately.”

“Give me a run down of the damage,” said Shepard.

“We have lost all primary power to the level,” said Avina. “Environmental controls are not responding. Class three fires are burning in sectors 2, 3, 6, and 7. Civilian casualties are high.”

Shepard frowned.

“I'm also detecting numerous unauthorized synthetic life forms throughout the station,” said Avina. “They are believed to be hostile. Please approach with caution.”

“Damn! Those Geth would probably kill everyone before the fire could,” Garrus commented to himself.

Shepard drew a sharp breath. As morbid as Garrus' statement sounded, Shepard had to agree. Then she remembered. “Where is Captain Anderson? What happened to him?”

“I have no information on the status of specific individuals,” Avina reported. “Once the current crisis has been resolved, a complete accounting of casualties and survivors will begin.”

“Damn it...”

“The captain will be fine,” said Kaidan. “He's probably helping with the evacuation.”

Shepard could only hope so. “What about the Council?” she asked the VI.

“In accordance with standard emergency procedures, the Council has been evacuated to the Destiny Ascension.”

_Three less to worry about._ “Where's Saren?”

“Former Spectre agent Saren Arterius is nearing the vicinity of the Council Chamber,” said Avina. “A warrant has been issued for his arrest, though Citadel Security is unable to respond at this time.”

It made sense to have the master control in the most guarded room in the Citadel. Saren was up there, and she had to hurry.

“Come on,” Shepard told her team. “Let's get that bastard before it's too late!”

 

* * *

 

“Look, the arms of the Citadel are closed,” said Tali as the elevator brought them closer to Saren.

Then, all of a sudden, the elevator stopped abruptly.

“Must be Saren,” said Kaidan.

“If he wants to stop me, he has to try harder.” Shepard scowled. “Suit up! We're heading outside!”

“Nothing beats a nice stroll in zero-G environment,” said Garrus.

Avina was right. Geth were crawling around the Citadel, even in the elevator shaft. No doubt they were left by Saren, waiting to kill her. But they only served the purpose of delaying Shepard, not deterring her.

Absolutely nothing could stop her. Not a malfunction elevator, not battling in zero-G with an army of Geth and turrets at every corner, and definitely not the pain she felt in her head and her torso.

Shepard charged up to the tower through the elevator shaft, leaving a path of destruction behind her footsteps. For every Geth she killed, a few precious seconds were wasted. She had to hurry. She was close, so close to stopping an invasion, ending a cycle that had been going on for million of years.

“That's it.” Kaidan pointed in front. “According to the blueprint, that trap door will drop us down to the Council chambers.”

Garrus hurried to open it, then with his sniper rifle, he fired two shots through the trap door before turning to Shepard. “All clear.”

Shepard dropped down without another word and ran ahead, shooting every Geth in her sight.

And then she spotted him. Up on the platform of the Council's audience chamber, standing right in front of a console that had even been there before, was the man she had been hunting for months.

“Cover me!” Shepard ordered and charged ahead.

Kaidan and Liara lifted a group of Geth blocking Shepard's way with their biotics, clearing a path for her. Gunshots were heard around and behind her, but Shepard only focused on the man she had been hunting for months.

Shepard didn't bother with a warning and began firing at Saren, but he dodged and jumped off the rail onto the garden below. Cursing under her breath, Shepard rushed forth with her team closely behind, only to find Saren raising on a hovercraft, tossing a blinking object right at them.

_SHIT!_ “Grenade!” Shepard warned and jumped out of the way, barely escaped the explosion.

“I was afraid you wouldn't make it in time, Shepard,” said Saren.

Taking cover by the stairs that led to the platform, Shepard took a deep breath to calm the adrenaline in her blood. As much as she wanted to wrap her hands around Saren's neck, she had to keep a cool head, or else she might make mistakes. Mistakes she could not afford to make.

“Had to wipe out a few hundred of your followers along the way,” said Shepard as she reloaded her gun. “Sorry if I kept you waiting.”

“You've lost. You know that, don't you?” said Saren. “In a few minutes, Sovereign will have full control of all the Citadel's systems. The relay will open. The Reapers will return.”

_Son of a..._ “I've still got a few tricks up my sleeve.” Shepard scanned around to locate her team. They were all nearby behind covers, readied to attack at her command. _No, not yet..._

“You've survived our encounter on Virmire,” said Saren. “But I've changed since then. Improved. Sovereign has... upgraded me.”

_Goddammit!_ “Fancy hardware's not going to save you.” 

“I supposed I should thank you, Shepard. After Virmire, I couldn't stop thinking about what you said. About Sovereign manipulating me. About indoctrination. The doubt began to eat away at me. Sovereign sensed my hesitation. I was implanted to strengthen my resolve. Now my doubts are gone. I believe in Sovereign completely.”

_What the--!_ “You're indoctrinated!” Her voice sharpened a few notches. “Sovereign's controlling you through you implants! Don't you see that?”

“You don't understand. The relationship is symbiotic. Organic and machine intertwined, a union of flesh and steel. The strengths of both, the weaknesses of neither,” said Saren. “I am a vision of the future, Shepard. The evolution of all organic life. This is our destiny. Join Sovereign and experience a true rebirth!”

_You've gotta be kidding me!_ “And be a half-organic half-machine mutant controlled by the Reapers?” Shepard sneered in disgust. “I'd rather die than live like that!”

“Then you will die. And your companions. Everyone you know and love. Everyone you've ever met. Don't you understand? You will all die! The Reapers can't be stopped. Not by the Protheans. Not by you. The cycle always continues.”

“You are the one who doesn't understand. Didn't you learn anything from Vigil?” Shepard yelled at him, exasperated. “The Reapers don't use organics! They devour and discard them! As soon as the conquest is over, you'll be cast aside if you're lucky, or killed if you're not!”

“I had no choice!” said Saren. “You saw the visions. You saw what happened to the Protheans! Surrender or death – there are no other options!”

That angered Shepard more than it should. “Bullshit! You could have resisted! You could have fought! Instead, you surrendered. You quit! You're a Spectre! We're supposed to protect the galaxy, stop the invasion, not start it!”

“We can't stop the invasion! Not forever! The Reapers are too powerful.”

“Sovereign hasn't won yet! I can stop it from taking control of this station. Some part of you must still realize this is wrong. Step aside and the invasion will never happen!” 

“Maybe you're right. Maybe there is still a chance for... for... uh!” Saren let out a painful scream and doubled over. “The implants... Sovereign is too strong.”

She got him. “Fight! You can fight this!” Shepard urged and rolled out of her cover.

“Aerin!” “Shepard!”

She merely held up a hand to shut them up. Her gaze never left Saren. “I'm heading to the master control panel,” she told the former Spectre, her finger stayed firmly on her rifle trigger. “Step aside.”

Saren struggled to straightened up but never moved a step. Instead, with his shaky hand, he lifted up his pistol.

“Step aside. NOW!” Shepard gave him a firm warning, aiming her rifle at his head.

“I'm sorry. It's too late for me.” His gun took a detour and pointed right at his own head. “Goodbye, Shepard. Thank you.”

Shepard could only watch as he pulled the trigger. Bullet exited through the other side of his head, a splatter of blue blood spraying. Eyes widened in completely shock, Shepard stood frozen and stared blankly as Saren's body fell over the platform, crashing through the glass ceiling of the indoor garden on the lower level and landed onto the perfectly manicured lawn.

Ever since Virmire, Shepard had visualized the death of Saren again and again inside her head, killed by every way she could possibly imagine. But never had she imagined suicide as an end to his life.

It wasn't until her team hurried to her side did Shepard finally let go of the breath she had been holding and remove her finger from the trigger.

This was it. It was over.

Almost over.

Shepard looked up. Through the windows, she saw it latching onto the tower like a parasite. Sovereign.

Without further delay, she headed to the console and uploaded a file from her omni-tool. It only took few seconds before confirmation was sent back to her. Shepard almost couldn't believe her eyes; she had control of the entire Citadel right at her fingertips.

“Vigil's data file worked,” Shepard told her team. “I've got control of all systems.”

“Quick! Open the station's arms,” said Kaidan. “Maybe the fleet can take Sovereign down before he regains control of the station.”

“See if you can open a communications channel,” suggested Garrus.

A voice was heard as soon as the channel was opened. “... the Destiny Ascension. Main drives offline. Kinetic barriers down 40%. The Council is on board. I repeat, the Council is on board.”

_ Shit. _

“Normandy to the Citadel,” Joker's voice came through. “Normandy to the Citadel. Please tell me that's you, Commander.”

_He made it._ “It's me, Joker. I'm here.”

“It's good to hear from you, Commander. We caught that distress call,” said Joker. “I'm sitting here in the Andura section with the entire Arcturus fleet. We can save the Ascension. Just unlock the relays around the Citadel and we'll send the cavalry in!”

“You'd sacrifice human lives to save the Council?” asked Wrex. “What have they ever done for your kind?”

“This is bigger than humanity!” Garrus argued. “Sovereign's a threat to every organic species in the galaxy!”

“That's why you can't throw away reinforcements trying to save the Council,” Wrex countered. “Hold them back until the Citadel arms open up and the human fleet can go after Sovereign!”

“There are almost ten thousand lives on the Ascension,” Kaidan reminded her.

Shepard had no time to think, yet it wasn't a decision she could make lightly. Nor should she. “Joker, I need to talk to Admiral Hackett.”

“Commander,” came Hackett's voice. 

“Sir, Saren is dead. Sovereign has trapped itself inside the Citadel. I'm opening the arms. But the Destiny Ascension--”

“I'm aware of the situation,” Hackett cut her off calmly. “We all know what we signed up for, Commander. We're ready to go in with everything we have.”

_ Everything they have, including their lives... _

“Your orders, sir?” asked Shepard, perhaps out of habits, or perhaps looking for guidance. 

“You are no longer under the Alliance command. You are a Spectre, Shepard. Your job is to protect the Council, protect the galaxy. Do the right thing, Commander. That is my advice to you,” said Hackett calmly. “We are ready.”

Lives of those on the fleet or those on the Destiny Ascension... Hundreds versus thousands. Was that it? Did it come down to just plain numbers? Or should she sacrifice the Destiny Ascension for a better chance to bring down Sovereign? 

No, Shepard corrected herself. With the firepower of the Destiny Ascension, saving it might give them a better chance at Sovereign.

But the Alliance ships, the human lives...

No war was ever won without sacrifices.

Shepard took a sharp breath and said, “Opening the relays now, Joker. Send in the cavalry!”

“Yes, ma'am!”

“I hope the Council appreciates this,” Wrex grumbled.

Whether those three representatives appreciated this or not, it was the right decision, Shepard knew, but that knowledge didn't stop it from hurting like hell.

Shepard glanced down at the body of Saren laying on the grass in the garden underneath. “Make sure he's dead.”

“On it,” said Garrus.

“I'm coming with you, Vakarian,” said Wrex. “The head shot is mine.”

The arms of the Citadel began to slowly open. Although her view had been obscured, Shepard managed to catch glimpses of ships jumped through the mass relay and began their attack.

It was the most beautiful yet disturbing sight she had ever seen.

From her viewpoint, it was almost like watching action vids where none of the ships out there was real. But they were. All of those dots in the sky were as real as her Normandy, all of them had crew members who had spent weeks or even months together. And when the dot exploded into a fireball in the sky, gone was every single life on the ship.

Standing there, watching helplessly as the battle went on, Shepard felt a sharp stab each time a ship was destroyed by the Reaper vessels. She had ordered them to protect the Ascension; she had ordered them to their death. Blood was on her hands.

“You did the right thing,” said Kaidan quietly.

“Did I?” Shepard mumbled. Her eyes never left the sky.

Wordlessly, Kaidan put his hand on her shoulder, a simple but comforting gesture which Shepard appreciated more than words could expression. 

“Normandy to Commander Shepard,” said Joker. “The Ascension is clear. Concentrating all fire on Sovereign.”

Shepard almost asked for a report on casualty but refrained. “Nice work, Joker.” Shepard had to swallow hard before she could find her voice, masking the pain she was feeling from her head, her abdomen, and most of all, her heart. “Show them what you've got.”

“You don't have to tell me twice, Commander,” said Joker. “Joker out.”

Shepard stood there motionlessly and watched through the windows with her breath held, wishing she could do something – anything – to help. But her part in this fight was over. Now it was up to the rest of the fleet. 

Garrus' voice through her earpiece pulled her out of her reverie. “He's dead.”

Shepard shut her eyes and released a breath. All these months of pursuing a mad man, now he was dead. The enormous invisible weight that had been dragging her down was now lifted. Fatigue had finally caught up to her, Shepard could feel her energy rapidly draining. Her rifle felt heavier than usual, her legs could barely support her own weight, her headache worsened. Shepard wanted nothing more than to find a comfortable bed and collapsed onto it.

All of a sudden, without the slightest warning, the ground shook violently. The platform they were standing on buckled then collapsed. Shepard fell and rolled down onto the garden underneath, landing onto the soft grassy lawn.

“What the...” She pushed herself up and reached for Kaidan who had landed next to her. “Hey, hey, you all right?”

Kaidan raised a hand as he slowly got up. “I'm okay... Was there an explosion--” He froze with his eyes widened, looking over her shoulder. “Oh god!”

She turned around and witnessed one of the most horrific sights she had ever seen in her career. Red bolts shot throughout Saren's dead body, resurrecting it, lifting it from the ground. The former Spectre screamed in pure agony as the flesh on his body rapidly disintegrated into nothing but ashes and smoke, his bone stretched and mutated into the form of a skeleton monster. 

Shepard reached for her rifle then scrambled to her feet. “EVERYONE! Get up! NOW!” Shepard yelled. “We've got company!”

Saren Arterius was gone, what stood in front of her was a skeleton full of the cybernetic implants. The once proud organic and synthetic fusion now was all synthetic.

“What _is_ that thing?” asked Garrus.

Wrex pumped his shotgun. “Whatever it is, if it can move, it can be killed!”

“I am Sovereign,” said the creature. “And this station is MINE!”

Blue eyes narrowed in fury. “Over my dead body! Take him down!” Shepard aimed and squeezed her trigger. Adrenaline was one hell of a drug, her fatigue and pain were all but forgotten. 

Shepard was fast, but the creature was faster, leaping back and forth to dodge her bullets. But it was not fast enough to dodge biotics. 

Blue glow enveloped both Kaidan and Liara. Extending a hand forward, Kaidan unleashed his biotics and cast a warp on Sovereign, stopping it for a second. “Liara, now!”

Without hesitation, Liara released hers and threw Sovereign back in a blinding explosion. “Again!” said Liara.

The dual released their powers in sequence, setting up another biotic explosion.

Instead of charging closer to attack, Shepard quickly switched to her sniper rifle and aimed for the head. Her shot landed right on target simultaneously with another bullet. Garrus'. Two headshots in a roll, but it wasn't enough to kill Sovereign. The creature staggered to get back on all four. Its head twitched around and scanned, then locked onto Shepard.

Before Shepard could line up another shot, she heard a booming battle cry from her side. Through her scope, she saw Wrex charged and knocked Sovereign down, then finished his attack by shooting a few rounds point blank.

“Switching to concussive shot,” said Garrus. “Overload him, Tali!”

“Wrex, out of my way!” Tali warned then set up an overload. 

Garrus fired. The bullet exploded in a burst of energy as it hit Sovereign, temporarily disabling it once more. 

Shepard fired a headshot. Then another one. 

Much to Shepard's annoyance, Sovereign recovered and leaped straight at her. Switching her grip on her sniper rifle, Shepard smacked the incoming monster with the butt of her weapon, batting it away from her.

“Aerin, step aside!” warned Liara. 

Shepard rolled away without question. A ball of biotic energy flew by her and hit Sovereign, trapping it inside a singularity bubble before it could recover launch another attack.

Jumping back on her feet, Shepard spared a glimpse at the biotic dual on the other side of the garden. The glow on Kaidan's body brightened almost blindingly. 

“Stay away from her,” said Kaidan in a deadly calm tone as he released a warp more powerful than before, detonating the monster, sending it flying backwards away from Shepard. Its body slammed hard against the wall.

Sovereign fell onto the grass, its badly destroyed limps twitched.

“Finish him before he recovers!” ordered Shepard. “Fire!” 

Her team jumped out of their covers simultaneously and began to shoot from their respective positions. Five lines of fire originated from various parts of the garden converged at the same point. Every single one of their bullet buried into the same target.

Shepard immediately switched back to her rifle and charged forth, shooting at the synthetic monster as she approached. Her trigger finger never once relaxed, emptying clip after clip at Sovereign. 

And, finally, it stopped moving.

Shepard held up a hand to halt the attack. Bullet stopped flying almost immediately. With her rifle still aiming at it, Shepard approached the body one step at a time until she was right next to it. Blue eyes narrowed in a glare, as if daring it to come back to life once more. This time, there was no further sign of another resurrection. 

“I think he's dead,” said Garrus.

“Stay dead,” Shepard mumbled then crushed its neck with the heel of her boot, hard enough to break the spine and separated its head from its body. Even a husk couldn't function without its head.

Saren's synthetic remains disintegrated as soon as its head was severed. So ended the perfect union of organic and synthetic. 

“Thank the Goddess,” Liara breathed.

“Look!” said Tali, pointing at the windows above.

Outside, Sovereign's real body lost its grip and dislodged from the Citadel. All ships continued to fire simultaneously at it, tearing the Reaper apart. Shepard lowered her rifle and watched as pieces of its broken body scattered across the battlefield. 

Sovereign was dead.

It was over. Truly over. They had stopped the invasion. The cycle had been been broken.

Exhaustion washed over her entire body. A sudden sharp jab from the inside of her torso assaulted her without warning, reminding her of a problem she had been ignoring. Holding her stomach, Shepard doubled over and fell down on one knee. 

“Aerin!” She heard Kaidan calling out for her. 

“Oh crap!” Garrus gasped. “We've to move!”

Panting, Shepard looked up and froze.

One stray piece was flying straight towards the Citadel tower. Blue eyes widened in horror. 

“GO!” Well-honed reflexes took over, Shepard bolted up and sprinted away just as the giant metallic leg smashed through the tower's windows. 

But it was too late.

 

* * *

A/N: Three more chapters and part one of the trilogy will end. Definitely felt bittersweet writing this chapter when all I could think of was “this is the last time they do this together, this is the last time they do that.” Anyway, thanks for the reviews, and thanks for reading. 


	33. The Beginning of a New Era

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 32: The Beginning of a New Era

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel

 

Kaidan coughed and pushed himself up from the ground. The barrier he had cast the very last second had probably saved his life. This place was dark, but light seeping through from the cracks in front of him was enough to allow him to see. He was trapped behind pieces of broken structure, and the movements next to him suggested he wasn't alone.

He heard a faint gasp and a soft voice. “...Goddess...”

“Liara? Are you all right?”

“Kaidan? Yes, yes, I'm all right, just... a bit shaken up,” said Liara breathlessly. “Where are the others?”

“I don't know.” He tapped his earpiece. “Aerin? Garrus? Wrex? Tali? Anyone hear me?”

“I'm with Tali,” said Garrus. “We're okay.”

Kaidan heard a grunt. “Digging myself out of this hole,” said Wrex.

And there was one missing.

“Aerin?” Kaidan tried again. “Aerin, can you hear me?”

There was nothing but silence.

“Aerin, this is Kaidan, can you hear me?”

Still, there was silence.

_No..._

“Is she...” Liara stopped herself. “No, Aerin is fine. She has to be.”

“Garrus, search for Aerin,” said Kaidan. “I'll join you as soon as I'm out of here.”

Kaidan pushed the stab of broken wall that had blocked their exit but it didn't move even the slightest.

“We could try to use our biotics.” Blue glow started to flare around Liara's body.

“We'll push it together.” Kaidan let go of his restraint and felt the tingle running throughout his body. The dark space was dimly lit up by two glowing figures. “Ready?”

The tiny confinement suddenly brightened up as they released their powers simultaneously, pushing away that piece of wall that had trapped them in.

Kaidan hurried out and was greeted by a destroyed Council chambers. Fire was spreading rapidly on upper level; a giant metallic piece of Sovereign had crushed onto the audience chamber platform.

A piece of rubble came flying from the ground nearby, Kaidan saw Wrex crawling out from below.

“I'm too old for this,” the krogan muttered as he got back to his feet. “Have you found Shepard yet?”

Kaidan could only shake his head.

“She could still be in the garden,” said Wrex. “I was trapped on one side, but I couldn't see the other side from down there.”

“Kaidan, didn't you upgrade Aerin's omni-tool?” asked Tali.

“I did.” And then, it hit him. “You want me to remotely log in?”

Tali nodded. “That way we can have it broadcast a signal to locate her.”

He was always grateful to have Tali on their team. Now more so than ever. “Tali, you're the best.”

There was a grin behind the mask, or at least that's what she sounded like. “Think she's changed the password?” she asked.

He shook his head and started his omni-tool. “I don't think so...”

“Even if she did, we could hack it.”

“I've installed multiple layers of security in her system,” said Kaidan as he typed in the password.

“Nothing is unhackable, Kaidan,” said Tali with a faint tsk. “You should know that.”

“I'm in. ...Signal is broadcasting. Here's her frequency. We should be able to track her.”

“I'm on it.” Tali began to trace the signal from her omni-tool.

“Lieutenant!” someone shouted from the other side of the chamber. A tall man rushed in with no less than ten soldiers trailing behind.

“Captain Anderson?”

“Glad to see you're okay, son.” Anderson gave him a friendly clasp on his shoulder. “Where's the commander?”

“We're trying to find her, sir,” said Kaidan, trying his best to maintain his composure.

The captain scowled. “What happened to Shepard?”

“We got separated when that piece of Sovereign came crushing.”

Anderson turned to his team and ordered, “Spread out and find the commander!”

“Aer-- The commander is hurt, sir, we have to find her soon,” Kaidan told the older man, his composure threatening to crack. “I've turned on a tracking device on her omni-tool--”

“She's here!” said Tali, waving at the rest of the team on top of a pile of rubble. “Underneath here!”

Kaidan hurried over.

“Out of my way,” said Wrex as he rushed passed then immediately started to move the debris one piece at a time. “Shepard!”

Garrus joined the krogan. “We're here, Aerin. Hang in there!”

That was too slow.

Kaidan unleashed his biotics once again. Blue glow flared around his body, pulsing brighter than usual.

He knew he had to be careful. Removing anything out of order might cause the debris to collapse onto Shepard. Kaidan blocked that mental image out of his head and studied the positions of the debris. He eyed a piece of broken wall half the size of a mako.

“Let me help you,” said Liara.

“That one.” He pointed. “You ready?”

Liara nodded.

Together, they moved the biggest piece out of the way. Even with Liara's help, it was more draining than he thought. Still, Kaidan was not about to stop. He couldn't.

“We should remove that one next,” said Liara, panting slightly.

“You all right?”

“Don't worry about me, Kaidan. We've to hurry.”

Piece by piece, the debris were moved. Some by biotics, some by brute force. Through the cracks, Kaidan began to spot the orange glow of an omni-tool lighting up the dark hole underneath.

“Oh god...”

Seconds felt like years to Kaidan. Once they had cleared the area enough, light poured into the opening and revealed a figure lying on the grass motionlessly. Blood dripped from the corner of her lips, down to her pale, dirty cheek.

Kaidan froze in absolute horror; his heart stopped a beat.

“I'll get her!” said Garrus, jumping into the hole and landed next to Shepard. “Damn it! Her leg is pinned down!”

Digging deep into his last bit of strength, Kaidan extended his hand and remotely lifted the offending piece.

“Got you, Shepard,” said Garrus, moving Shepard's unconscious body away from harm.

The piece crashed down with a loud thump the instant Kaidan relaxed.

“And here's your sweetheart,” Garrus mumbled as he retrieved Shepard's rifle. “Let's get you out of here.” He carried Shepard to the ledge where he had jumped down and lifted her up. “Kaidan.”

Kaidan immediately took her in his arms as Garrus climbed out of the hole.

First procedure should be checking for pulse, but Kaidan absolutely refused to consider that was necessary. Shepard was not dead. She was not.

He carefully adjusted his arms around her and freed one hand to brush some strands of matted hair off her bruised forehead. “Aerin, come on, wake up...”

Long lashes fluttered. The relief he felt was almost crippling.

Kaidan swallowed hard before he could find his voice again. “Wake up, Aerin. It's over. You're safe.”

Shepard coughed, more blood came dripping from the corner of her mouth as she struggled to open her eyes.

“You're going to be okay,” he told her softly.

The bloodstained lips curled up in a ghost of a smile as her eyes met his briefly before shutting close once again.

Kaidan's blood froze. “Hey, hey, stay with me. Please, stay with me.”

“Take her to the hospital,” said Anderson. “I'll call in ahead and let them know you're coming.”

Cradling her in his arms, Kaidan got back on his feet. His mind shut down to keep the fear of the unthinkable at bay.

“Stay with Aerin, Kaidan.” The captain cast a quick glance at Shepard's injured face. “Make sure she's all right. I'll stay here and clean up this mess.”

 

* * *

 

Location: Citadel Hospital

  
  


A faint beeping noise was the first thing she registered as she regained consciousness. Shepard frowned in annoyance.

“She's awake!” said someone nearby. She recognized that voice right away. It was Kaidan.

“Thank god.” said a deeper voice.

_Anderson?_

Shepard tried to open her eyes, but that simple motion was a battle on its own. After what seemed to be endless struggle, she eventually prevailed but immediately blinded by bright light.

Shepard squinted and saw two shadowy figures hovered above her.

“Hey, take it easy,” said Kaidan.

“It's okay, Aerin, you're safe now,” said the other man.

Shepard keep her gaze on him. Soon enough, the blurry figured turned into a familiar face as her vision finally adjusted to the brightness. “...Captain?”

Anderson nodded and gave her a pat on her arm.

“You okay?” asked Shepard.

Anderson snorted. “You're the one who just got out of surgery, and you're asking if I'm okay?”

_Surgery?_

“The captain is all right. So is everyone else,” said Kaidan, knowing exactly what she was thinking.

“What surgery?” she asked.

“For massive internal bleeding,” Kaidan explained. “You haven't completely recovered from Virmire, and now this... Plus concussion. You've lost a lot of blood, Aerin, if we hadn't found you in time--” He shook his head with a frown.

“Hey.” She caught his attention and held his gaze. “I'm still alive.”

“You gave us quite a scare, Shepard,” said Anderson. “The doctor said you'll recover soon enough. But you have to stay in hospital for a few days.”

“How's the Normandy?”

“The ship is fine,” Kaidan reported. “Joker has docked it a few hours ago and now it's being repaired.”

“What about the fleet?”

For a moment, both men remained silent.

“Sir?” Shepard pressed on. “How many casualties?”

“Eight ships on our side,” said Anderson solemnly after a long pause.

Shepard shut her eyes and took a shaky breath.

“But you've saved the Ascension, Shepard,” the captain told her. “Almost ten thousand lives. And the Council. Don't beat yourself up.”

No war was ever won without sacrifices, Shepard reminded herself, then swallowed hard before opening her eyes. “...Yes, sir.”

“You did good, Aerin.” Anderson placed a firm hand on her shoulder. “This damned galaxy owes you one. I'm proud of you.”

The captain's approval meant more to her than he would ever know. “Thank you, sir.”

“The councilors want to thank you in person. We'll go meet them once you're feeling better. For now, get some rest.”

“I will. And Captain?”

Anderson gave her a questioning look.

“I'm glad you're okay, sir.”

A rare smile surfaced on the captain's stoic face briefly. “Like wise, Commander.” He turned to Kaidan. “Take care of the commander, Lieutenant. Don't let her sneak out of the hospital.”

“I will keep a close eye on her, sir,” Kaidan promised.

For the longest moment after Anderson had left, Kaidan only held her hand and studied her silently with a faint smile on his face.

“What?” Shepard asked eventually, breaking the peaceful silence.

“You scared the hell out of me,” he told her quietly.

She tightened her fingers around his. “I'm sorry.”

“Please don't ever do that again.”

“I'll try not to.”

He gave her a look. “Aerin, I'm serious.”

“Okay. I won't. I promise.”

“And don't leave me.”

Shepard looked at him with a strange mix of exasperation and adoration. “I won't,” she repeated. “Unless you want me to.”

“Not going to happen.”

“Good. That settles then. Are we good now?”

“Yeah. Sorry, I was...”

“Worried sick, I know.”

“You've no idea. When I thought I was going to lose you--”

“Hey, hey.” She gave his hand a squeeze. “I'm okay.”

Shepard held his gaze until a smile appeared on his face as he brought her hand up to his lips.

“Now get me out of here,” said Shepard.

“Sorry, I can't. You have to stay for observation. They have to run some more scans on you to make sure your bleeding is not returning. If it is, you might need another surgery.”

Shepard grimaced.

“Hey, it's okay. I'll be right here,” he told her softly.

“You don't have to stay,” said Shepard. “Go celebrate with the crew. I'm sure they're getting drunk somewhere if there's still a bar opens in the Citadel.”

“Too late. I've checked myself in.”

Shepard looked at him in alarm. “You injured?”

“No. Nothing more than the usual scrapes and bruises, the doctor here already patched me up. But I promised you that I'd have them check on my implant. I don't want to break that promise and have my ass kicked.”

“You could have waited until later. You're going to miss all the parties.”

“You know how long I've been waiting to spend some quiet time alone with you?”

“In a hospital?”

“Sure,” he said with a shrug. “If that's what it takes to be with you.”

“In a hospital,” Shepard repeated, holding back a grin.

“It doesn't matter where we are, as long as you are with me.” He leaned down and gave her a soft kiss on her forehead.

And the smile that finally spread across her face couldn't be any sweeter.

 

* * *

  
Location: Citadel Presidium

 

“Ambassador. Captain. Commander Shepard,” greeted Tevos. “We have gathered here to recognize the enormous contributions of the Alliance forces in the war against Sovereign and the Geth.”

Valern nodded. “Many humans lost their lives in the battle to save the Citadel, brave and courageous soldiers who willingly gave their live so that we – the Council – might live.”

“There's no greater sacrifice,” said Sparatus, “and we share you grief over the tragic loss of so many noble men and women.”

“The Council also owes you a great personal debt, Commander,” said Tevos. “One we can never repay. You saved not just our lives, but the lives of billions from Sovereign and the Reapers.”

“Commander Shepard,” said Valern, “your heroic and selfless actions serve as a symbol of everything humanity and the Alliance stand for.”

There was not a single mention of their previous encounter, or her stealing the warship. Or the fact that their idiocy and their mistrust of her that had caused them troubles in first place. Everything seemed to be forgotten.

_Garrus was right on the money,_ Shepard thought was she stood perfectly still as the rehearsed speech went on. The Council's audience chamber was under reconstruction; the meeting was held in one of the Presidium gardens instead. A curious crowd had gathered around, controlled by more than a handful of C-Sec agents. 

“And though we cannot bring back those valiant soldiers who gave their lives to save ours,” said Sparatus, “we can honor their memories through our actions.”

_If you have only listened to me and stopped Saren at Ilos, none of these would happen._

Tevos nodded. “Humanity has shown it is ready to stand as a defender and protector of the galaxy. You have proved you are worthy to join our ranks and serve beside us on the Citadel Council.”

Shepard arched an eyebrow. That was a surprise.

“Councilors,” said Udina, “on behalf of the humanity and the Alliance, we thank you for this prestigious honor and humbly accept.”

“ _...the position as the first human Councilor,”_ Shepard finished his sentence for him inside her head. She almost snorted.

“We will need a list of potential candidates to fill humanity's seat on the Council,” said Valern.

_Good, at least give Udina some competitions._

“Given all that has happened,” said Tevos who was giving her a look Shepard couldn't exactly decipher. “I am sure your recommendation will carry a great deal of weight, Commander.”

_Me?_ Her eyebrow was lifted just a notch higher.

“Do you support any particular candidate?” asked the asari Councilor.

_Are you serious?_ Shepard wanted to say but didn't.  _This isn't happening..._

Almost out of habit, Shepard unconsciously turned to Anderson for advice. Despite the captain perfectly held straight face, Shepard knew him long enough to recognize just a hint of emotion. Anderson was as surprised as she was. The captain's gaze shifted to the ambassador very briefly, but long enough for Shepard to catch it. Curious, she turned to shoot a glance at Udina, and what greeted her was something she had never thought she would see.

The ambassador was smiling at her. The sour expression he always had on his face whenever he met her was all but gone. Shepard didn't know if she should back away in horror or laugh at his clumsy manipulation. In the end, she chose none.

Instead, she turned her attention back to the asari councilor. “I do have a recommendation.”

Tevos seemed to be pleased. She nodded and waited quietly with her two colleagues.

From the corner of her eyes, she could spot Udina suddenly stood taller. “We need someone with the courage to stand up for what he believes in,” Shepard told the three representatives. “Someone like Captain Anderson.”

“What?!” Udina muttered under his breath, but Shepard heard it loud and clear.

“You trying to make me blush, Shepard?” asked the captain with a scowl.

“No, sir,” Shepard replied with a straight face. “Just stating my opinion.”

“...Are you... sure about this, Commander?” asked Udina. His previous attempt of a charming smile had vaporized. “The captain is a soldier, not a politician.”

“Thank you for reminding me, Ambassador,” said Shepard politely. “But that's the point.”

The ambassador looked as if he was about to eat her alive, but that only amused Shepard even more.

Shepard ignored him and continued, “We've already got too many politicians in the Citadel. No offense to you, Councilors, but what do politicians do when they face crisis? They talk. What do soldiers do? We act. We have enough people do the talking in the Citadel, now it's time to bring in someone who will take actions and not afraid to get his hands dirty to do the right thing. With his integrity and his decades of experience with battles, the captain would be perfect for this job.”

“But--” Udina began to protest.

Shepard shot him a glare and cut him off sharply, “If it wasn't for Captain Anderson's bravery and his willingness to sacrifice himself, billions would have been dead by now. None of us would be here!” The subtly reminder of his near fatal mistake was enough to shut Udina up.

To Shepard's surprise, Tevos smiled and nodded in approval. “I think it's an inspiring choice. The council would welcome him with open arms, should he accept.”

The soldier in Anderson reacted naturally with his arms folded behind his back and stood to attention. “I'm honored, Councilor. As humanity's representative, I'll do everything in my power to help the Council rebuild.”

Shepard had never been more proud of her mentor.

Sparatus nodded. “Sovereign's defeat marks the beginning of a new era for both humanity and the Council.”

“Sovereign is only a vanguard,” Shepard reminded the turian councilor. “The Reapers fleet is still coming. Hundreds of ships, maybe thousands. And I'm going to find some way to stop them!”

“Shepard's right,” said Anderson. “Humanity is ready to do its part. United with the rest of the Council, we have the strength to overcome any challenge. When the Reapers come, we must stand side by side. We must fight against them as one. And together we will drive them back into dark space!”

 

* * *

 

“I can't believe you pull that one on me, Shepard,” Anderson complained half-jokingly as they headed down the hallway.

“How was I supposed to know they'd listen to me this time after ignoring my advice for months?”

Anderson sighed heavily. “I'm a soldier, damn it! Dealing with politicians isn't really my thing.”

“You didn't have to accept the job right away.”

“And rejected the Council in front of everyone?” Anderson shot her an indignant look. “I was hoping they'd give me some more time to consider.”

“You'd still say yes to them in the end, so why not start the inauguration party sooner?” Shepard countered his look with a disarming smile.

The soon-to-be councilor merely shook his head at his protege, his expression softened ever-so slightly.

“Come on, Captain, the councilors can't be worse than the Alliance brass,” said Shepard. “Besides, I can't think of anyone better to represent humanity, especially with the Reapers returning. I only trust you to lead us in this fight--” Before Shepard could continue, she spotted a very familiar figure exiting the elevator ahead. It took every single bit of her willpower to hold back a smile and maintain her pace.

“Captain,” Kaidan greeted with a nod. “Commander.”

“Perfect timing, Lieutenant.” Shepard managed a straight face. “I'd like you to meet our first human Councilor.”

“...Councilor?” Kaidan's eyes widened.

Shepard nodded. “They finally decided to give humanity a seat in the Council.”

The look Anderson gave Shepard was not unlike one an exasperated father would give to his mischievous kid. “And thanks to our commander's recommendation, I have a new job.”

“I learned from you, sir,” said Shepard, hiding a smirk. “I pick the best of the best to do the job.”

“The commander is right, Captain,” said Kaidan. “You are one of the most decorated soldiers in the Alliance. Your experience will be valuable to the Council now that we have evidence the Reapers have returned.”

“You too, Alenko?” Anderson scowled at the younger man.

Kaidan was unfazed. “Just stating the truth, sir.”

“Our captain is a better choice than Udina,” Shepard commented.

“Oh definitely,” Kaidan agreed. “Much better.”

Anderson shook his head. “I'd better head back to send a report about our meeting to the Alliance. Wonder how the brass will take it.”

“They'd be happy to get rid of you, Captain,” said Shepard half-jokingly.

“You might be right, Shepard.” The captain chuckled. “Hell, you're probably right. I've ruffled enough feathers all these years. Who knows how many of them hold grudges.”

“Most, if not all.”

Anderson studied her with a scowl. “Since when have you become so cynical?”

“Since I've started to deal with Sparatus and Udina, _and_ have my back stabbed,” Shepard replied nonchalantly. “Learn from every one of our mistake, no matter how big or small. You taught me that, sir.”

“I did.” Anderson sighed. “You need a break from all these. Which reminds me, you are on leave until the next assignment, Alenko. Same goes for the Normandy crew. As for you, Shepard, you're no longer under our command, but I have asked the Council to give you a few weeks to recover before assigning you to your next mission.”

“Captain.” Kaidan hesitated. “...Do you have any idea where my next assignment would be?”

Not what, but where, Shepard noticed. She knew why he asked. He could be sent anywhere across the galaxy. Away from her.

“We're still ironing out the details,” said Anderson, “but I guess it doesn't matter if I tell you right now. You'd find out sooner or later.”

“What?” asked Shepard with a mild scowl.

“Admiral Hackett and I have decided to assign the Normandy and her current crew to you permanently, Shepard,” said Anderson. “Some of the brass didn't like it, but after what you did for us, for everyone in the galaxy, they couldn't say no to the admiral.”

Shepard heard the faintest sigh of relief from Kaidan as a smile spread slowly across her face. “Thank you, sir.”

Anderson waved a dismissive hand. “We owe you that much, Shepard. I know what it's like to go to hell and back with someone else. It's a bond that can't be broken. You need a team you can trust to watch your back when you're out there, and you already have one. Why take it away from you?”

Shepard shared a look with Kaidan. Holding back a grin had become increasing hard.

“Well, why are you still here? Go on, enjoy your shore leave while you can,” said Anderson. “Unless you two want to come with me and help me with my report.”

“No, sir, I don't,” said Shepard immediately. “I have... things I've been planning to do on shore leave.”

“So do I, sir,” said Kaidan before he turned to Shepard with flawless professionalism. “Your team is waiting for you, Commander.”

“I should go,” she told the captain. “Councilor.”

Anderson snorted and shook his head at her and left.

Kaidan gestured politely at the elevator. “After you, ma'am.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant.”

It wasn't until the elevator started to move did Shepard drop the act and cracked a smile.

“Think he knows?” asked Kaidan.

“I don't know,” said Shepard. “But I know even if he knew, he wouldn't tell the brass about us. Besides, you heard him. I'm no longer under the Alliance command, and they give me the Normandy and her current crew, including you.” She looked right into his eyes with a sly smile. “In other words, you are mine, Alenko. Admiral’s order.”

“Has anyone ever told you you're bossy as hell?” He suddenly leaned in and gave her a kiss near the corner of her lips. “But I like it.”

Shepard tried to give him a death glare but failed miserably. “You'd better. Or else...”

Her threat seemed to amuse him more than anything. “See what I mean?”

The elevator stopped. Shepard followed him out. “So where are we going?”

“They're all waiting for us at the bar Garrus has picked. Then they're planning to head to the casino later.”

“Must be one of the bars Garrus used to raid,” Shepard remembered. “The ones with the hidden good stuff behind the counters. But isn't it too early to get drunk?”

“Well, if you want, we can go somewhere nice and quiet and get some food. Just the two of us.”

She glanced at him teasingly with a raised eyebrow. “Are you asking me out on a date?”

He grinned a little. “And if I am?”

“Mmm... Then there's a slight problem.”

“What's that?”

Shepard struggled to keep a straight face. “I don't have a dress for a proper date.”

That made him laugh. “I don't think I've ever seen you in a dress.”

“Funny... You've seen me in absolutely nothing but not a dress.”

Shepard swore she spotted the faintest hint of pink on his cheeks as he struggled to wipe that grin off his face. What he was thinking about, she didn't even need to ask. “I... well, if you put it that way.” He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “We er... we skipped a few steps, I suppose.”

As much fun as she was having from flustering him, Shepard decided to let him go. For now. After all, from this moment on, they had all the time in the galaxy together. “We sure did. Should we rectify that?”

“Sure. Why not?” He offered her his arm. “Let's start with a date, shall we?”

Shepard took it with a chuckle.

“You know,” Kaidan started as they continued to stroll down the street, “I'm glad we don't have go through that awkward first date.”

“Oh yeah.” Shepard agreed wholeheartedly. “Constantly searching for things to say while wearing a tight dress is not my idea of fun.”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “Are you saying by skipping the first date, I missed seeing you in a tight dress? Damn it! I'd pay to see you in one.”

“You don't have to pay. You just have to wear a suit.” Shepard leaned closer and lowered her voice. “I have a thing for men in suits, or nice uniforms.”

“Oh? I thought you have a thing for... oh, I don't know... biotics who babble non-stop about some technical gibberish.”

She laughed. “Maybe...”

He tilted his head down to her. “Met anyone like that lately?”

Both his voice and his warm breath on her neck sent a shiver down her spine. Shepard barely managed to keep her composure. “Wear a suit or your dress uniform and ask me again, then I'll tell you if I have.”

“I wonder... What if I wear my dress uniform and talk about weapon optimization while looking like this?” Faint biotic glow spread across his body in an instant like wild fire.

“Careful now,” she warned softly, staring straight into those warm brown eyes that were now glowing in mesmerizing blue. “Do that, and I'll rip your clothes off before you can even blink.”

He chuckled and reined in that little display. Blue glow dissipated within a second. “Okay... I'll definitely keep that in mind.” His grin widened. “Now, where _is_ my dress uniform?”

 

* * *

 

A/N: No dramatic phoenix-raising-from-the-ashes in-game ending, because Shepard is nothing without her friends. More bonding time with two of the three most important men in her life.

Thanks for reading. Ch35 is the last one, and then an epilogue. We're almost there. I'm starting to feel sad, it's hard to let shenko go.

A respond to an anon review about the Ascension choice: I know you wrote the review just to vent, but here's my take. We all know Mass Effect is about choices. Just to name a few: Ashley/Kaidan, Destiny Ascension, Collector's base, Geth/Quarian, Genophage, and of course that Red/Blue/Green. The beauty of it is that we don't always have to understand why people picked the path we didn't choose. For example, I chose one particular ending color. And even though I've read through many people's justifications of their choices, I still cannot convince myself to choose another color. And that's fine. We made our own Shepards. Each one is unique.

As for why Aerin Shepard chose to save Destiny Ascension. There are several reasons. She would get to some of them later in part 2. From the narrative stand point, that particular choice it's a subtle (or not-so subtle) foreshadowing of what is to come in part 3, of the person she is going to evolve into. (I like to throw in foreshadowing and details that will only show up chapters later. Makes writing fun, like easter egg hunting!) Aerin Shepard is a very different person in ME 1, 2, and 3. She evolves and changes because of circumstances, just like characters should, and the Destiny Ascension choice is one of them.

And, most important of all, it's that saving Ascension fits her personality. The last thing I want to do is to force my choice and opinion onto my character. Because, for the record, if I were Shepard, I would save all the fire power and focus them all on Sovereign, let the Ascension be the price to pay for a better chance of success. And I would not release the Rachni queen. But, I am not Aerin Shepard. She has her own path to walk, and I am just here to bring you her story.

Love to hear from all of you. Feel free to email me at pinoko19 at gmail, pinoko-k over at tumblr, or just leave a note here or PM.

  
  


  
  



	34. Heaven

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

  
Chapter 33: Heaven

Year: 2183CE

Location: Citadel

 

A woman with shoulder length dark hair entered the Silver Coast casino by herself. Her high heels hit the stairs with a soft click each step she took, announcing her arrival. Her red dress hugged every curve of her perfect hour-glass figure, drawing everyone's eyes on her as she walked by. Men stared at her with desire, women with envy. But she pointedly ignored them all. She was used to this type of attention, but only a few were worthy of hers. And tonight, in this establishment in the Citadel, there was one person who was certainly worthy enough for her to make a side trip here to see in person: Commander Aerin Shepard.

But, of course she didn't make this trip just for Shepard, not even the first human Spectre was worth her time like this. She was in Citadel for business... and pleasure. And so was Shepard, as her sources had told her this afternoon. There was still an hour before her next scheduled appointment. Her curiosity had gotten the best out of her as she came to seek a glimpse of the savior of the galaxy.

Not everyone knew what Shepard had done for the galaxy. Most if not all civilians only knew Shepard had saved the Citadel and defeated the rogue Spectre Saren. Some knew about the Geth, and none had heard about Sovereign. The Reapers had returned after fifty thousand years and the public still didn't know a thing about it. Typical cover up done by fearful leaders, she thought with a silent snort as her icy blue eyes scanned the premise. Ignorant patrons were happily drinking and gambling their credits away while the threat was still looming out there, waiting for the perfect chance to strike. It almost made her sick.

A call interrupted her search for the commander. Although mildly annoyed by the intrusion, the woman in red answered dutifully, “Lawson.” She paused to hear. “Tell them I'll take care of it when I get back.”

With all the money Cerberus had, they still couldn't find her a competent assistant. The woman named Lawson hanged up with a soft sigh of irritation then headed to a table at the corner – a perfect spot to observe the entire floor.

She ordered a glass of wine and relaxed. Her sources had always been reliable; they had informed her that the commander was currently on leave in Citadel. And, according to that extranet site that posted sightings of celebrities, someone had spotted Shepard in this casino less than fifteen minutes ago. Shepard was here, all Lawson needed to do was to find her target.

A loud toast a table nearby caught her attention. “To the mother of thresher maw in Tuchanka!” said a krogan, raising his glass in the air. His friends laughed and drank to that meaningless drunken toast.

Krogans were trouble, drunken krogans even more so.

Lawson was about to dismiss them until she spotted a short-haired woman in that group reaching across the table then clinked her shot glass with the krogan's before draining its content in one gulp. Nothing remarkable about the woman in particular, it was what her outfit that caught Lawson's attention. Was she wearing a hoodie to this establishment?

Lawson frowned in disapproval and gave the owner of the hoodie a second look. The short-haired woman was now resting her head on the shoulder of the man next to her, laughing hard with the rest of the group at a joke the animated krogan was telling. Half of her face was covered by loose strands of hair, but the exposed half looked oddly familiar.

Icy blue eyes widened in surprise upon recognition. That woman in hoodie was none other than the commander herself. The rest of them had to be her team, Lawson reasoned. All of them met their respective descriptions in their dossiers. The turian was a former C-Sec agent; the krogan a mercenary; the quarian was on her pilgrimage; and the asari was Matriarch Benezia's only daughter. That man sitting next to Shepard had to be her lieutenant, the biotic with a L2 chip.

Their table was too far for her to eavesdrop on their conversation. Lawson regretted not having a chance to bug the surrounding. Although even from afar, she could tell all of them were at least moderately intoxicated. Nothing remotely profound could come out of their mouths.

Lawson was soon proven to be corrected when the quarian started singing out loud, “ _Let the moon's shining light hide two lovers with its ray..._ ”

_What the hell?_ Lawson scowled. That one was definitely drunk.

A hiccup interrupted the quarian but she stood and continued louder and louder without missing a beat, “ _Though I know that dawn will set us on course for separate ways... I will hold this night in memory for all my living days..._ ” Leaning over the turian to caress Shepard's cheek, the quarian serenaded to the commander, “ _Now unmasked, I feel your skin... On miiiiiiine!_ ”

The group cheered and applauded, oblivious to the attention the mini impromptu performance had generated. Lawson heard the entire song from her table, wishing she hadn't.

The quarian raised her glass. “To the best vid in this galaxy. Keelah se'lai!”

Again, they drank to another meaningless toast. Lawson shook her head in dismay. Was that really the group that saved this goddamn galaxy? She almost found it hard to believe.

“To the tables, Vakarian!” the krogan stood up and announced in a booming voice. “Let's win us enough credits to buy you a mech!” Lawson wondered how many shots of ryncol he had so far.

“Varren racing again? Is Quasar still too complicated for you?” asked the turian.

“Don't break anything, Wrex!” Shepard warned loudly after those two, laughing.

“It's not a party until something breaks, Shepard!” the krogan yelled back.

Meanwhile, the quarian dragged the asari up and started to dance to the faint beats from the dance floor above. The asari, the more sober of the two, said something to the lieutenant then followed the quarian up the stairs, leaving the two humans behind.

Shepard exchanged a few words with her lieutenant before they, too, left the table.

Lawson studied Shepard over her glass of wine as the pair headed the bar. Icy blue eyes gave the commander an once over, then another one. Shepard was tall; her legs were long and shapely in those tight pants which hugged her round bottom quite nicely. But did she really have to wear a hoodie? While Lawson recognized that red and white stripes down the right sleeve and knew only a few could own that item, but in her not-so humble opinion, Shepard would definitely look better in a nice fitted leather jacket. At least it would accentuate her curves and emphasize her undoubtedly well-toned abs instead of hiding everything underneath that shapeless jacket.

Lawson switched her attention from the offending jacket to the face of its owner. Even she had to admit Shepard's features were even more striking in person, and surprisingly elegant for a career soldier. Oval-shaped face, high cheekbones, full cupid's bow lips, and big piercing eyes framed by slightly arched eyebrows. Brilliant lake blue color, Lawson recalled from close-up vids of Shepard, a shade or two darker and brighter than her own. The commander looked more pale than the pictures and vids of her from a few months back. Perhaps the constant battles had taken a toll on her. And with bruises on her forehead, cuts on her cheeks, dark circles under her eyes, and not a trace of makeup on her face, Shepard was far from beautiful and polished.

So, this was the legendary Commander Shepard. Lawson had expected someone more impressive, someone who stood out from the crowd, perhaps even with an intimidating presence. But Shepard was neither.

And then, there was something that seemed odd, something that didn't match the commander's stoic image that was often seen in vids or pictures. The smile on Shepard's face as she was talking to her lieutenant too playful of an expression to be found on someone like the commander. Too sweet, even.

It was then Lawson noticed Shepard's lieutenant had put his hand on the small of her back and kept it there. It could have been a gentlemanly gesture, but the way Shepard leaned her body towards him, and the slight tilt of his head down to hers, every tiny body language added up and together they spoke louder than words. Those two were very comfortable with each other, Lawson concluded without a doubt. They were definitely more than friends.

Interesting... Lawson mused as she sipped her wine. Shepard had time for extracurricular activities while fighting the Reaper? Maybe she was as talented as the reports suggested. Or maybe she was just a woman with flesh and blood.

How would the Alliance take the news of their favorite little pet committing the cardinal sin called fraternization? Lawson wondered but quickly answered her own question. Quite simple, they would sweep it under the rug like they always did. Typical.

Lawson spared a glance at the lieutenant out of curiosity. The man who had caught Shepard's eye fitted the classic 'tall, dark, and handsome' category, Lawson would give him that much. But other than that, nothing remarkable about him, perhaps except for his L2 chip. As she recalled from his dossier, he was one of the very few L2 who was still sane and functional. She idly wondered how high his powers could spike, and if his biotics could even be stronger than hers.

Lawson dismissed the last thought almost immediately. She was created andtrained to be perfect, while his L2 chip was flawed from the start.

Flawed. Just like everything and everyone else in this galaxy, including Shepard.

Lawson shook her head in disappointment. Tonight, she had expected to finally find her equal, to meet someone just as perfect as she was. But it would seem even the savior of the galaxy was just a human, flawed like everyone else. Nothing special.

Although she shouldn't be surprised. After all, no one was perfect, no one except Miranda Lawson.

 

* * *

 

Kaidan watched as Shepard brought the wine glass to her lips, mesmerized. The tip of her tongue licked the remaining drop of red liquor on her lower lip before she habitually bit it ever-so slightly. The urge to kiss her was becoming harder to contain as the night continued, no thanks to the amount of drinks he had.

He reached for his shot of whiskey and had a sip, trying not to recall how sweet those pink lips tasted or how soft they felt when they were all over him last night. And this morning.

And their shore leave had only just begun.

Shepard leaned over from her bar stool, her shoulder touching his. “That woman has been checking you out ever since she came in,” she told him in a low voice. “You know her?”

Kaidan glanced around the open floor, expecting to see a familiar face. But there was none. “Which one?” he asked her, frowning in confusion.

“At the corner. Dark hair.” She twirled her wine glass while subtly pointed with it. “The one in a sexy red dress.”

Kaidan almost turned to find that woman in red but stopped himself in just time. “...Sexy red dress?”

She glanced at him over the wine glass with a hint of mischievous smirk. “Kinda hot.”

“Wait... Is this a trap?”

To that, Shepard chuckled. “No.”

Curious, he looked at where Shepard had pointed and saw the woman Shepard described. A dark haired woman in an extremely form-fitting red dress was sitting by herself at the corner, nursing a glass of red wine. Kaidan raised an eyebrow at that sight. Shepard was right; that woman was certainly quite... well, hot.

His eyes lingered on the woman in red for a second or two longer and muttered under his breath to himself, “Nice... view--” Kaidan winced at his fatal mistake and immediately corrected himself, “I mean, outfit.”

Shepard didn't respond, but she heard him, he knew. Bracing himself, Kaidan turned his attention back to Shepard, fully expecting a death glare which he probably deserved. But what greeted him was a knowing smirk.

“So... you like that dress, huh?” asked Shepard nonchalantly.

He chose his words with extra care this time. “Er... I think it'd look nicer on you.”

That sly smirk grew, so did that deadly edge hidden underneath it. “You want to see me in that dress? Well, why don't you go over there and ask her where she got it?”

Now _this_ had to be a trap. Kaidan proceeded with extreme caution, almost as if he was defusing a nuclear bomb. Not trusting himself for not making another idiotic mistake, he wisely let his actions speak for him instead. Without another word, he took her hand in his and brought it to his lips for a soft kiss.

“I don't know her, and I don't want to.” He placed her hand on his lap and held it down.

He observed as her expression went from sly to surprised to tender all within those few seconds. A sweet smile appeared despite her obvious struggle to hold it back. “You sure? I have a feeling she would love to know you.”

“Positive,” he confirmed. “I'm not interested.”

Grinning, she tilted her head and looked at him. “Then I'll go tell her to back off, that you're mine.”

Kaidan tightened his grip on her hand in case Shepard's joke turned serious. While Shepard was not completely drunk, she was definitely somewhat intoxicated. He had to protect her from doing something she would regret tomorrow morning. “You know, I think she's checking you out. Not me,” he said quickly then gave her a little teasing smirk. “Probably another fan of yours. Should I go over and tell her to back off from my Aerin?”

“Your Aerin?” She chuckled. That smile grew sweeter. “I like the sound of that.”

So did he.

“...I'm yours,” she whispered. Her face drew closer.

He really loved the sound of that.

“So, what are you waiting for?” She looked straight into his eyes. “Kiss me.”

“Now?”

She merely blinked yes. Soft lips parted slightly in anticipation, silently waiting for him to meet her challenge. Her hand inched up along his thigh; he could feel the warmth of her touch even through the thick fabric of his pants. Kaidan had to summon every bit of his discipline not to do as she commanded.

She was testing his limits, he knew. It was a game they had been playing for the past two days. She pushed, he resisted. It could start with a few simple words, a soft touch, then a light kiss. The longer he resisted, the more aggressive she would become, and the more he would enjoy the benefits of her advance. But in the end, she would always get what she wanted, what they both wanted. And he couldn't be any happier.

“Later,” he told her calmly despite his heart had started pounding.

She leaned closer, never breaking the gaze. “Now.”

“...Later.” he insisted. His throat began to feel dry. “Good things come to those who wait.”

“If I don't want to wait?” she asked with a tone that sent a tickle down his spine. Shepard shifted and whispered in his ear, her lips brushed his skin, “I want you. Now.”

She knew the effects those three words had on him. His biotics slipped and glowed for a second. Kaidan tried not to move a muscle, or else he would definitely grab her and kiss her then and there, and perhaps even go further.

Shepard leaned back onto her chair, withdrawing her warmth and her scent along with her. Suddenly feeling cold and strangely empty, Kaidan immediately regretted his lack of action. Not at all offended by his silence, she gave him a smile that would make him weak in the knees if he was standing. “You have thirty seconds before I change my mind.”

Brown eyes met blue ones. The surroundings melt and faded away. Right now, in his world there was only her. Tension mounted as seconds flew by, neither broke the gaze.

When he allowed himself to finally move, Kaidan reached for the shot glass instead of the woman who was driving him absolutely crazy. He drained the shot and felt the warm liquor coated his now very dry throat. It was getting too warm in here, and he knew it wasn't because of the drinks.

Still holding his gaze, Shepard slowly bit her lower lip. He swallowed hard at that lovely sight, remembering the ticklish path those lips had traced earlier this morning, from his throat to his collarbone, down to his chest then to his navel...

Blue glow flared momentarily once again.

“Fifteen seconds,” Shepard counted, highly amused.

He suddenly darted forward and planted a kiss on her cheek. “For now,” he told her in a whisper while remaining close. “More on that later.”

Shepard tilted her face towards him, the tip of her nose touched his. “Ten seconds.”

He chuckled lightly in defeat. She had him wrapped around her little finger, and he didn't mind a bit.

He planted another kiss on her cheek, closer to her lips this time, then declared, “Let's get out of here.” Kaidan folded. Shepard grinned.  
  


* * *

 

Shepard glanced at the panel of the elevator and did a quick calculation inside her head. While alcohol might have somewhat impaired her mental finesse, her estimate should be accurate. She didn't have much time before they reached their floor. One minute tops.

As soon as the elevator door closed, she attacked. She knew what he wanted, what he liked. It took her only one night together to figure it all out. One very long night. Shepard prided herself on her efficiency, on and off battlefields.

She started by brushing her lips along the side of his neck very softly, tickling his skin with the tip of her tongue and her warm breath. When his quiet chuckle suddenly turned into a faint gasp, she knew she had hit sensitive spot. She knew she had him.

She pushed him up against the wall without breaking the contact. His hands that had been off her now planted firmly on her back, one was slowly sliding up inside her jacket, while the other ventured down, pressing her body against his. Her lips and the tip of her tongue continued their exploration from the side of his neck to his throat. His head tilted back, giving her access to everything she wanted.

Instead of following the current path up, she headed down. Soft kisses traced from his throat to the hollow of his neck, then to his collarbone over his shirt, teasingly reminding him what she had done this morning, hinting what she could do later if she wanted to.

His breaths had become ragged, Shepard noticed.

Abandoned the current path, she moved up once again. Her lips brushed against his pulse and felt it throbbing. His heartbeats quickened by every feather kiss and each teasing lick. Her kisses traced to his jaws that were cover by two days worth of stubble. Shepard couldn't blame him for not shaving, after all she was partly at fault for constantly distracting him. Besides, this slightly rugged look suited him.

She nuzzled the side of his neck and inhaled deeply. She loved the way he smelled, that warm and comforting scent was hard to describe but definitely intoxicating.

Thirty seconds, she reminded herself and continued her way up. And when she reached his earlobe and gave it a slightest bite, she heard him gasped out loud.

Smiling to herself, she turned her attention to his cheek, half nuzzling half kissing her way to the corner of his lips. To his credit, even though she could feel his heart pounding hard against her chest, he managed to hold perfectly still. His biotic glow once again started to flare very faintly. Shepard stopped and looked up to find those warm brown eyes half-opened, now covered with a hint of sheer blue glow. She didn't need to that visual confirmation to know she had him right where she wanted, the body that had been pressing against hers had already betrayed him.

Sneaking her hands up to the back of his head, she idly played with his hair while her nose rubbed against his. “Kiss me,” she issued the demand once again in a whisper.

This time, he couldn't refuse. His lips were on hers in the blink of an eye, his tongue demanding a taste of her. She let him while kissing him back just as passionately. His fingers dug into her bottom and pressed her even closer to him. It took all her willpower to stop herself from peeling off his clothes then and there.

She had stopped counting. All her senses were overwhelmed by his taste, his scent, his touch, and his warmth. And the only thing she knew was she wanted more.

When she eventually broke off to gasp for precious air, the elevator had already stopped.

“I want you,” she repeated what she had told him earlier, panting quite heavily. “Now.”

Chuckling, he rested his forehead against her and agreed breathlessly, “Now.”

Within seconds, they made it back to their room, but they never made it to the bed until much later.

 

* * *

 

He never would have thought that he could fall head-over-heels for someone in such a short time. After all, Kaidan relied heavily on his self-control ever since he was a kid. And then, along came Shepard who had changed everything and brought the best out of him.

He had never been happier.

The woman lying next to him hardly look like the Commander Shepard the public used to see. Her cheeks flushed in a lovely shade of pink, long lashes fluttered sleepily a few times before she closed her eyes, a hint of content smile lingered on her lips as she slowly drifted off to sleep. She looked peaceful, even vulnerable.

Since that day he had rushed to the hospital with her bloody and bruised in his arms, both his urge to protect her and his fear of losing her rose higher than ever. It was irrational, it was illogical, but he couldn't help it. What had gotten to him, he didn't know. All he knew was one simple thing: He wanted to be with her for the rest of his life.

“What are you thinking about?” she mumbled, her eyes still shut tight.

Kaidan reached out and tucked a few errand strands of soft hair behind her ear. “How do you know I'm even thinking?”

Blue eyes opened halfway looking at him. “You have been staring at me for a long time. I can hear the wheels spinning behind.” She tapped his forehead.

She hated being hailed as a savior as much as being seen as vulnerable, Kaidan knew. But he also knew she could be persistent and extremely persuasive, especially when she was wearing nothing.

He slipped an arm underneath her and pulled her closer, buying himself a few precious seconds to come up with an adequate response. He always loved how her body fitted against him. Not too tall, not too short, just perfect.

“What's on your mind?” she asked, snuggling comfortably.

He tightened his arms around her and buried his face in her hair, then said the first thing that came to his mind, “You know, my parents would love you.”

“Meet the parents already?” There was more than a hint of smile in her voice.

He chuckled that sudden random thought. “No... Well, unless you want to. I'm just saying they would love you.”

“Are they in Vancouver right now?”

“Yeah. Mom wants to travel off-planet, but there's always something to do around Vancouver if not at the orchards.”

“The only place I've been to in Vancouver is the HQ.”

“Really? What about Stanley Park? English Bay?”

She shook her head. “Every time it's a direct shuttle in and out of HQ.”

“Next time when we're back on Earth, we'll take some time off and I'll show you around Vancouver before taking you to the winery.”

“We are still on leave, and you're already planning for another one?” She lifted her head up to look at him in feign suspicion. “What happened to you, Alenko?”

He pressed his lips softly on her forehead. “You happened.”

That made her laughed. “I'm a bad influence, huh? Guess you'd better stay away from me then.” She untangled herself from his arms and slipped out of bed.

“Hey, where are you going?”

“We have only one week left. I'm not going spend my entire day in bed again.”

Time flew by too quickly when he was with her. Two weeks had come and gone. The Council had already handed her their next assignment. Kaidan hid a sigh. “Two more hours.”

“No.” Sitting at the edge of the bed with her naked back facing him, Shepard stretched lazily. Jet black hair in a tangled mess contrasted with ivory skin marked by bruises she had accumulated during the fight with Saren. And he had never found her more beautiful than she was now.

“One and a half,” he negotiated and extended a hand to touch one of the faded scars on her back. Each scar had a story. While he had already discovered all of them on her body, she had yet to finish telling the tales behind every one of them. Kaidan was not in a hurry to ask, they had time. If she was willing, they would have a lifetime together.

She turned her head back and flashed a smile she knew he couldn't resist. “One.”

He slipped one hand around her waist and pulled her back into his arms, where she belonged. “Deal.”

 

* * *

 

It took her a few mornings to get used to waking up without the subtle hum of the Normandy. Sometimes, for a few second after she opened her eyes, Shepard had to wonder if she had died and gone to heaven. Perhaps this was her heaven – lying in bed with the person she loved, no more Reapers, no more Geth, no more fighting, and she didn't have to die to get there.

If only they could stay like this forever.

But this wasn't her life. At least not yet. Soon enough, she would be out there searching and fighting the remaining Geth across the galaxy. The Council had given her a new mission, and Shepard had no choice but to take it. As a soldier, she had been trained never to question her orders, but her experience with the Council had given her more than a few pauses. Still, as boring as the mission sounded, Shepard would finish it with nothing short of perfection. After all, not every assignment had to be life changing; she had her share of mundane ones. And this time, her crew would be with her, _he_ would be with her.

The ambient lights hidden in the ceiling dimly lit up the room, but her eyes had long gotten used to the dark surroundings. Shepard shot a glance at the man sleeping peacefully next to her. Half of his face was buried onto the pillow, his hair was a mess and she absolutely loved it. Just as she loved everything about him. From the professional side, to the caring side, to the most rarely seen adorably dorky side, and of course, the hidden passionate side.

He was, well, perfect... Shepard thought with a smile slowly spread on her face.

She would surely miss waking up next to him, starting tomorrow morning for the next few weeks until her mission was over. Even though Shepard had the authority to bend every rule in the galaxy however she wanted, they had decided to respect the Alliance regs. Once an Alliance marine, always an Alliance marine.

Good thing they had three weeks to get everything out of their systems.

Shepard cast another glance at Kaidan who was still in his dreamland, wishing she could wake up to this sight everyday for the rest of her life. The thought of it was enough brought a rather sweet smile to her face, but she had to force herself to wipe that smile off and shove that thought away for now. In a few hours, she would have to be back on the Normandy, back to reality.

All good things must come to an end.

Shepard shook her head and reached for her omni-tool to start checking all the messages she had ignored since her shore leave. Lying in bed deleting mails certainly wasn't the most romantic way to end a shore leave, but as long as Kaidan was next to her, Shepard was happy.

Before she could get to the second page of her mailbox, Kaidan started to stir and soon opened one sleepy eyes. The orange glow from her omni-tool cast a shadow on his face.

“Shh... go back to sleep,” Shepard coaxed quietly.

“...What time is it?” he mumbled.

“Still early. Not even dawn. We're not leaving until noon. Get some sleep.”

“We only have a few hours left.” He took her omni-tool from her and put it on his side of the nightstand, out of her reach.

“Hey,” Shepard protested.

Kaidan ignored her and pulled her into his arms instead.

Trapped between his arms and his chest, Shepard had never felt safer in her life. “I'm not your pillow, Mister,” she faked a complain, hiding a smile.

“You've been using me as your pillow. Now it's my turn.”

“Fine. Until you fall asleep.” She pressed her lips on the hollow of his throat.

“And if I don't fall asleep?”

“Then we'll have to find something else to do, don't we?”

He only chuckled and gave her a kiss on top of her head then rolled onto his back. His arms never once loosened, bringing her along with him. Shepard found herself back to the familiar comfortable position, her head resting on his shoulder. She shifted to snuggle even closer, burying half of her face onto his chest. Without a doubt, this was her heaven.

For the longest time, they remained still. She could hear his heartbeats as he idly stroke her hair.

“Can't believe it's almost over,” Kaidan broke the silence in a voice almost as lower as a whisper. “Wish we have more time together.”

“We've spent the entire shore leave together,” she reminded him. “Most of the time right here.”

“Not enough.”

“So how much time do you need?”

“I prefer a lifetime.”

That was a surprise. Shepard was touched beyond words. For a short moment, she couldn't wipe that sweetest grin plastered on her face even if she wanted to. She kept her face buried onto his chest until she could compose herself.

The mischievous side of her couldn't resist this golden opportunity. Hiding the grin, she pushed herself up and looked at him with a teasing smirk. “Is that... a marriage proposal?”

“What?” Sleepy eyes suddenly widened. “No!”

Suppressing the strongest urge to laugh, Shepard put on her best hurt expression. “...You don't want me.”

His eyes widened further in panic. “No! No, that's not what I mean. Down the road, sure, if the Reapers don't come back and wipe the entire galaxy. But proposing now? Here? No. That's not fair to you. It's something that has to be done just right, you know? The flowers, the ring, the er...” He paused to take a breath, it was then he noticed she had hidden half of her face under the blanket, shaking with silent laughter. He narrowed his eyes at her upon sudden realization. “...You're messing with me.”

“You're so sweet,” she muttered underneath the blanket before quickly burying her face into the pillow and burst into laughter.

“You'll have to pay for that.” That was the only warning she received before the attack.

Shepard had one weakness only a few people knew: She was ticklish. That strangest sensation rose from her sides, causing her to twitch and scream as his fingers brushed her skin. But the attack didn't stop there. She rolled away from him, he pressed on. The harder she squirmed and dodged, the more persistent his ticking fingers became.

Screams blended in with laughter as the struggle continued until they fell off the bed.

Kaidan held onto her to break her fall and landed on his back.

That immediately sobered her up. “Oh god. You okay?” asked Shepard breathlessly. “Sorry!”

“Yeah...” He mumbled then drew a breath and looked at her with his eyebrow arched ever-so slightly.

Her well-honed instinct told her the attack was far from over. Her battlefield experience told her the best time to retreat was when the enemy was down. Shepard held her poker face for just a second more then suddenly pushed herself away from him to escape.

But Kaidan was faster.

He sneaked his arms around her waist then rolled off his back and pinned her underneath him.

It all happened in one second. Before she knew, Shepard was staring up into those warm brown eyes. That rare mischievous glint was unmistakable.

“Where do you think you're going?” he asked, holding her down firmly.

She knew more than ten ways to disable him, most of them were painful, but Shepard remained still. “All right. I'm sorry. But...” She paused and smiled to herself. “I agree. A shore leave isn't enough. We need a lifetime...”

Mischievous glint was gone in an instant, a pure surprise look surfaced very briefly, then quickly replaced by a tender gaze.

“You don't need flowers, or even a ring,” she continued softly. “All you need to do is ask.”

He stared at her, speechless.

“And I'd say yes.” Shepard paused again then added jokingly, “Probably. I don't know. There's no guarantee. Maybe I'll even have you wait.”

Kaidan chuckled and touched the side of her face gently. “I'll take it, as long as it's your decision, even if you want me to wait for a decade or two.”

“Twenty years?” She made a face. “I'll be almost fifty by then. You sure you still want me?”

“But I'll also be twenty years older. I should be asking you that.”

“I've a feeling you'd look even better with age. Guess I'd better start laying claim to you while I still can.” Bright blue eyes gazed into warm brown ones lovingly. “So... A lifetime together then. Sounds good to you?”

“Lifetime sounds perfect,” he agreed with a tender smile and sealed their deal with a kiss.

 

* * *

 

A/N: Shenko overload. Savoring the last shoot before popping the heat sink.

  
  



	35. Til Death Do Us Part

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.  
  


Chapter 34: Til Death Do Us Part

Year: 2183CE

Location: SSV Normandy SR-1 Bridge

 

“And then I told her, 'Hey, I was at the battle of the Citadel too. I was flying the Normandy, leading the entire fleet into the battle!' AND she still wouldn't comp my drinks,” Joker finished his story with a huff. “Should have brought Shepard with me to vouch for my story. Everybody listens to her.”

Still in his armor from the most recent trip down to the surface, Kaidan had opted to stay to keep the pilot company for a while. It had proven to be quite entertaining. “Why didn't you?” Kaidan asked from the co-pilot seat, keeping a straight face.

Joker raised an eyebrow at him. “What do you think? Shepard went MIA.”

It had become increasingly hard to hold back that smile. “She did?”

The pilot shot him a sideways glance. “Pfft. Don't give me that shit, Alenko. I know you were with her. You both went missing, doesn't take a genius to put the two and two together. And no, I don't want to know what you did. Unless, you know... if you want to share some stories, then I can't stop you.”

Kaidan kept his mouth shut and allowed that hint of smirk to show as he focused on the panels in front of him. Perhaps he should leave right now before the other man started pressing on that particular topic. He needed to have a debriefing with Shepard, then head back to his post to make sure all the systems were running at optimal levels. But the commander was with Dr. Chakwas right now, he had a moment. After all, no one was in hurry these days. Their missions of eradicating the Geth had been uneventful. He would even call it boring, but after what they had been through in the last few months, boring was a nice change of pace.

Kaidan noticed the pilot was studying him not-so subtly. It shouldn't take too long for Joker to start pressing. Kaidan started a mental count down. Three, two, one--

“So, anything interesting happened during shore leave?” asked Joker with a sly grin.

“Nothing.” He made sure his tone was flat.

“Nothing, huh? That's funny. You know, I asked Shepard that same question earlier, and guess what she said?” Joker turned to Kaidan with his best Shepard impersonation which consisted of a slight raised of his eyebrow and a cool stare. “'Nothing.'”

Kaidan's smirk widened.

“Come on, what do you think I am? Blind?” Joker rolled his eyes with a snort. “Shepard's practically a walking light bulb with the way she's been glowing ever since she came back. And you keep having that grin on your face whenever she's around. So a whole bunch of nothings going on? Right... 'Nothing' must be good, huh?”

Not taking that bait, Kaidan continued to deny the pilot the pleasure of getting intimate details of his shore leave with Shepard. The only response he gave the other man was a light chuckle.

Green eyes narrowed at him. “Fine. It's a small ship. Someone's bound to see something and talk one of these days, and I'll be the first to know.”

Kaidan shook his head with a smirk, recalling one of the many jokes the pilot had said in the past. “Right, because you're the overlord of the Normandy.”

“Overseer,” Joker corrected him as his fingers danced all over the consoles, preparing to drop out of FTL. Somehow, he was able to spare a second to tap at the monitor showing security footage of the entire ship. “I see everything. Shepard is the overlord.”

And there was the familiar subtle shift.

Joker suddenly switched to the utmost professional tone. “Disengaging FTL drives. Emission sinks active. Board is green, we're running silent.”

“All yours, Joker.” Kaidan stood from the co-pilot seat with a stretch. “I should go change before the debriefing with the... er 'overlord'.”

“All right, say hi to the missus for me.”

It took Kaidan a fraction of a second to realize whom Joker was referring to. But once he did, he could no longer hide a grin; he loved that sound of that a little too much. “I don't know what you're talking about,” Kaidan claimed innocently, trying to keep a straight face but failed miserably.

The pilot flashed a knowing smirk. “Sure you don't.”

“Picking up something on the long range scanner,” a crew nearby informed them. “Unidentified vessel. Looks like a cruiser.”

“Cruiser?” Kaidan frowned. Curious, he sat back down and checked the sensors.

“Doesn't match any known signatures,” said Joker after checking on his console.

“Cruiser is changing course. Now on intercept trajectory.”

“Geth?” That was his first guess. Kaidan checked the panels in front of him and shook his head. “Can't be... The stealth system is engaged. There's no way any ship could possibly--”

Joker's eyes widened at the monitor. “It's not the Geth! BRACE FOR EVASIVE MANEUVER!”

The Normandy took an abrupt turn to avoid the beam, yet even Joker's maneuver wasn't enough. The Normandy shook violently, knocking Kaidan out of his chair. Sounds of explosions and screams were heard behind him as he regained his balance. The unthinkable had happened; the ship had suffered a direct hit.

And then came another one.

Kaidan immediately checked the systems. “Multiple haul breaches! Weapons offline!” He felt the heat from the flame from behind. “SOMEBODY GET THAT FIRE OUT!”

There was nothing but pure chaos in the next few seconds as the ship was fired upon again and again.

“SHIT SHIT SHIT!” Joker's hands moved fast across all the consoles. Yet, no matter how fast his reaction time was, the Normandy could never seem to outrun the attack.

_No, we can't die here!_ Kaidan stumbled to get up. “We won't last much longer, Joker! We have to leave!”

“NO!”

“Call for evacuation, now!”

“I won't leave the Normandy! I can save her!” the pilot insisted. “Go get Shepard!”

Kaidan was tempted to knock the pilot out cold and dragged him away from his post, but he refrained. His first and most important priority was to locate Shepard.

And when he turned and headed down to the CIC, the sight of the destruction stopped him in his tracks. The Normandy, the place he had called home, the place where he had met her, was now falling apart piece by piece. By his rough estimate, they couldn't sustained more than a few rounds of attack.

Kaidan rushed down the hall. Shepard was nowhere in sight.

“Where's the commander?!” he asked.

“The commander was still in the Med Bay when I left,” said Dr. Chakwas as she was helping a crew who had suffered injuries on his face.

Kaidan hurried down to find Shepard and almost stumbled down the stairs when the Normandy suffered yet another hit.

The once orderly and pristine ship was now in absolute chaos. Severely burned bodies scattered across the path, all dead. Kaidan had to jump over bodies of the crew he had been working with for months, but he had successfully compartmentalized all his emotions well enough. Right now, he had to focus on the ship and survival.

At least he thought he had his emotions in check, until he finally found her.

Standing among the fire and destruction, in front of a console, was the captain of the ship. Her armor was protecting her from the scotching heat.

The instant relief he felt was overwhelming. “Aerin!”

There was a harsh scowl lingered on her face when Shepard turned around. She was infuriated by the attack, he could tell. But Shepard's stone cold expression softened immediately when her eyes landed on him. “Kaidan, you okay?”

“Yeah. Multiple haul breaches, casualties on both levels,” he reported quickly. “The ship won't hold for much longer.”

“I've launched the distress beacon.”

“Will the Alliance get here in time?”

Another hit. They stumbled but held onto each other. “They'd better be.” Shepard frowned. “I'm not going to die here. I want the heads of those bastards who are attacking my ship!”

“I'm with you--”

Pipes next to them suddenly burst into flame. His reflex took over; Kaidan held up a biotic shield instantly to protect them from the explosion.

Shepard grabbed an extinguisher and put out the fire nearby. “We need to evacuate.”

“Joker's still on the cockpit. He won't abandon the ship.”

“Damn it!” Shepard's brows tightened further. “Get the crew to the escape shuttles. I'll take care of Joker.”

Kaidan shook his head with a scowl and protested, “No! I'm not leaving you!”

“I'll be fine.” She reached for his arm in a comforting gesture. “I need you to get everyone to the shuttles, then help Chakwas once you land.”

Before he could come up with a better option, another explosion shook the ship, tearing them apart. “Aerin!”

Shepard held up a hand as she got back to her feet. “Kaidan, go. Now.”

Every fiber of his being demanded him to stay with her, urging him to protect the woman he loved. But there was a tiny voice inside his head reminding him of his duty as the officer of the ship. For once, just this once when it came to Shepard, his head won the battle against his heart.

“Please be careful,” he told her, fighting an inexplicable impulse to disobey a direct order.

Sharp gaze softened when she looked into his eyes very briefly. “I'll see you soon.”

Reluctantly, Kaidan turned and carried out the last order Shepard had issued on the SSV Normandy.

 

* * *

 

Retrieving the helmet from her cabin was more difficult than she had thought. The door had been jammed and Shepard could barely squeeze in through the gap. Taking one last look at the room she had stayed in the past months, a home away from home, the anger inside her burned hotter than the flame around her. Her ship was destroyed, her crew killed or injured, and whoever was responsible for this would die a slow painful death.

Murderous feeling aside, first thing first, she had to get the hell out of here. Cursing under her breath, Shepard hurried to get her pilot.

The upper deck was destroyed beyond recognition. Bulkheads torn, the CIC was reduced to nothing but its metal frame. Pieces of the ship and its equipments floated in space. The magnets on Shepard's boots grounded her to the ship's main body as she moved towards the cockpit, walking as fast as she could in the zero-gravity environment. The escape shuttle was by the airlock was their one and only ticket out of this mess. And she had to move fast before the next around of attacks. One more hit and the Normandy would be gone.

Miraculously, the cockpit was still in tact and sealed by the mass effect field. Her sigh of relief echoed loudly inside her helmet.

Shepard rushed to the pilot as soon as she was able to. “Come on, Joker! We have to get out of here!”

“NO! I won't abandon the Normandy!” Joker insisted. “I can still save her!”

“Don't throw away your life like this! The Normandy is lost, going down with the ship won't change that!” Shepard put a hand on the pilot's helmet to force him to look at her. Sharp blue eyes bore into distressed green ones. “If we died here, we would never get those bastards who dare to attack us. Retreat, Joker, now!”

Joker broke the gaze then nodded in resignation. “...You're right. Okay... Help me up.” The pilot suddenly tensed as he glanced at the panel. “Shit! They're coming around for another attack!”

“Let's go!” Shepard put his arm around her shoulders and lifted him up by his waist.

“OUCH! Watch the arm!” Joker winced. “Promise we'll get those bastards.”

“We will,” Shepard vowed as she half-carried, half-dragged her pilot to the shuttle. “I'll make them pay for what they've done to us.”

Step by step, they inched closer to the last escape shuttle. The mass effect field was still holding. If they hurried, she could launch it in time before the next attack.

“Come on!” Shepard shoved Joker through the opening into the shuttle then readied to jump into it herself.

But a sudden loud combustion hit the cockpit. The ground shook violently underneath her, tossing her away from the shuttle like a rag doll. The mass effect field that had been sealing the cockpit was fading rapidly, causing a sudden shift in air pressure. Shepard grabbed onto the ship before the momentum flung her further out.

_SHIT!_

Her fingertips barely hanged onto the frame of the ship, fighting against the force that was sucking her into the dark void outside. If she could get her boots to the metal wall... But the vacuum was too strong, Shepard couldn't even lift her legs.

“Commander!!”

Then came another explosion, dislodging her grip. Shepard froze in panic, but recovered in time to brush her fingertips on the button to launch the escape shuttle before she was blown away by the current.

“COMMANDER!” Joker screamed in sheer terror. “SHEPARD!!!”

The next blast propelled her further into the dark space, away from her ship, away from her only way out.

SSV Normandy SR-1, the ship that had been her home, the place where she had forged a few unbreakable bonds, exploded right in front of her eyes.

With luck, Shepard dodged the massive debris flying along her side, until something hit her back and bounced her off.

Adrenaline rushed through her veins; cold sweats formed on her skin; her chest heaved with shallow breaths that were all too loud to her ears. But Shepard forced herself to take a deep breath to clear her head, taking a second to come up with an escape plan.

The beacon had been sent, the Alliance would be here. She just needed to hang in there long enough for them to search for her. But to locate for her in dark space would be harder than finding a needle in haystack. Shepard willed herself to focus, then reached for her omni-tool to send a distress signal and run it on a loop. Anything that would increase her chance of being found in time before she ran out of air or froze to death.

Then, a morbid thought came to her unguarded mind: What if the rescue team arrived too late?

_Shut up, Shepard. Elysium, Ilos, Citadel, you survived all those. You'll make it._

But, what if...

_What if..._

Shepard tapped on the recording device on her omni-tool and began, “This is Lieutenant Commander Aerin Shepard of the Alliance Navy. Council Spectre. Captain of the SSV Normandy SR-1. My ship has been attacked by an unidentified cruiser. My crew has been evacuated, but I'm lost in space. If you found this, that means I'm... I'm dead...” She paused for a second, trying her best to steady her shaky voice. “Please inform Executive Officer Hannah Shepard of the SSV Kilimanjaro, Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko of the Normandy, and Councilor David Anderson--”

A faint hiss interrupted her recording. For a second, Shepard was confused, then gasped in utter horror when she realized what that sound was.

_Oh god! No!_

That was the sound of precious air was leaking out from her armor.

_No, no, NO!!_

Floating in space, Shepard struggled to find the tear to seal it. The hissing noise became louder by the second as the tear no doubt had widened. Fear struck her harder than it had ever been in the past twenty-nine years of her life. The sound of her heartbeats was deafening to her ears; cold sweats dripped into her eyes, blurring her vision; her shallow but rapid breaths fogged the inside of her visor.

At last, she found the tear. With nothing but her hands, Shepard desperately tried to seal the opening, fighting for her dear life perhaps for the very last time.

_No! I can't die like this! NOT LIKE THIS!_

Seconds felt like years as she struggled. Burning chill seeped through the tear, freezing her down to her bones. The sheer force of the vacuum through that tiny tear had made each inhale a battle. Soon enough the battle was lost. Air was sucked out of her lungs hard, but none came back in.

Her throat tightened in searing pain; her body burned in agony; her surrounding started to dim rapidly. With the greatest effort, Shepard choked out her last words to the recording, “...I'm... sorr...”

“ _Lifetime sounds perfect.”_

“ _This damned galaxy owes you one. I'm proud of you.”_

“ _You make me feel... human.”_

“ _You are the only one who can stop him, Shepard!”_

“ _See you on the other side, Skipper.”_

“ _You are remarkably strong-willed, Commander.”_

“ _This ship is yours, Shepard.”_

“ _You are the first human Spectre, Commander.”_

“ _Meet my XO, Lieutenant Commander Aerin Shepard.”_

“ _We're dropping you off to the combat zone, Shepard. Survive that and the N7 designation is yours.”_

“ _Welcome to the Interplanetary Combatives Academy, Shepard. Or as we call it, the villa.”_

“ _May I present the youngest recipient of the Star of Terra.”_

“ _Fall back, Shepard! You can't fight all the slavers by yourself!”_

“ _Is that how you want to celebrate your 18 th birthday? To enlist? What about your party?”_

“ _Pack your bags, honey, we have to move.”_

“ _So you want to be a hero and save the galaxy when you grow up, huh?”_

“ _Commander.”_

“ _Shepard.”_

“ _Aerin.”_

Her futile struggle had stopped. The fire in those blue eyes had all but extinguished. With her final bit of strength, Shepard parted her lips and uttered a name without sound, calling out for the man in her fading mind one last time.

 

* * *

 

“Kaidan!”

Kaidan looked up from the medi-gel in his hand. For a split second, he thought he had heard Shepard.

“Kaidan!” Tali rushed to him with Liara in tow. “Come! They've retrieved the last shuttle!”

He froze momentarily, torn between his duty as one of the few medics and his urge to see Shepard.

“Go, Kaidan,” said Dr. Chakwas. “Make sure Jeff and the commander are okay.”

Kaidan ran after Tali through crowded hallways of the Alliance rescue ship. Every escape shuttle had been retrieved, all except for one. And now, it was finally here in the hanger.

A faint smile surfaced as he released a sigh of relief at the sight of the shuttle. Shepard was here at last.

The shuttle's door opened. Kaidan rushed forward. For the rest of his life, Kaidan would never forget the look on Joker's face when he stumbled out of the shuttle. The pilot's usual smug expression was now twisted in pain as he collapsed on the floor.

Tali gasped, running to Joker's side. “Somebody. Quick! He needs medical attention!”

Everyone expected another figure to step out of the shuttle after the pilot.

But there was none.

Kaidan stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes widened in bone-chilling horror.

_No..._

“Where's Aerin?” Liara asked the question he didn't – couldn't – ask.

Joker only sobbed uncharacteristically, coughing and choking, his body shook as he curled up into a ball.

_No..._

Kaidan sprinted to the shuttle, hoping to find Shepard inside giving him a playful 'miss me?' and a teasing smile. It was one of her pranks. It had to be.

But the shuttle was empty.

_No..._

Kaidan whipped around and marched back to the pilot who had been lifted up by two medics. “Joker, where is Aerin?” he demanded, his heart pounding hard. “Where IS SHE?!”

Joker only hanged his head, still not a word came out of his mouth.

_No..._

“Jeff!” Liara screamed. “Where is the commander?”

Trembling, the pilot eventually shook his head then suddenly broke into a loud sob.

Kaidan's blood froze. His world shattered around him.

“KEELAH! How-- Aerin is--- It can't be!”

“GODDESS! NO!! No!” Covering her face, Liara ran away in complete distraught.

Kaidan didn't move. He didn't scream, he didn't blink, nor did he even breath. Eyes widened, standing as still as a statue, he absolutely refused to process one thought: His greatest fear had come true.

_No._

The commander was gone.

_No!_

Shepard was dead.

_NO! NO!_

All his senses shut down. He could not feel the thumping heartbeats pounding inside his chest, nor tightness in his throat that threatened suffocate him. Nor did he notice the blue glow flaring around his body. There was only one thought left in his mind, one single line that repeated again and again inside his head: Aerin was dead.

_NO! NO! NO!!!_

He spun around and ran away as fast as he could. Biotic energy around him pulsed stronger and brighter by the second. He didn't stop until reached the cargo storage, then collapsed on his hands and knees, out of breath.

The woman he loved was taken away from him. He would never see that sweet smile, or that sly smirk, or that angry glare. He would never hear her playful laughter, or her gentle whisper, or her crisp order. He would never feel those soft lips pressed onto his, nor would he ever get to stare into those brilliant blue eyes ever again.

His Aerin was dead.

That single thought finally sank in and it hit him harder than anything he had ever felt. It was more than he could take.

Kaidan let out a deafening cry. The blindingly bright biotic charge exploded around him with enough energy to send heavy crates and boxes in his radius flying across over the room.

_You can't die... Not like this... NO!_

Tears streamed down as he pounded on the floor hard with his bare fists. His features contoured in pure agony as he let out another raw scream.

_...No... please... Don't leave me... You promised, Aerin, you promised you won't leave!_

Again and again, he punched the floor. He choked and gasped for air, oblivious to the tears on his face and the blood on his hands.

_...No... No, no, you can't do this to me. We're supposed to spend a lifetime together, DAMN IT!!_

“AERIN!!!” he yelled from the top of his lungs, hoping against hope that she could hear him, that she would come back to him.

Silence. Shepard never heard him, never came back.

He should have grabbed Joker and shoved that bastard into an escape shuttle. He should have listened to his instinct and stayed with her.

He should have protected her.

He should have told her he loved her.

But he had left her. And now, his Aerin was gone.

Forever.

The excruciating pain was too much to bear, Kaidan collapsed on the floor, trembling. Biotic glow enveloped his body, pulsing ever-so faintly.

He didn't know when the crew found him, nor did he know how he got through that night, the very first night without Shepard, and many nights after. It would be a long time until he could feel anything again. A part of him died with her that day, leaving a void that could never be filled.

Aerin Shepard was dead. Kaidan Alenko would never be the same ever again.

 

* * *

 

A/N: Sorry.


	36. Always

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Chapter 35: Always

Year: 2183CE

Location: Alliance Headquarters

 

Kaidan had never meant to fall in love. But he had. It all started quietly with a simple handshake which Shepard had preferred over a salute he had given her. Then through thick and thin, to hell and back. And it ended abruptly with a promise that she would see him soon.

Soon became never.

The flag-draped coffin was empty. It was displayed on stage as nothing more than a symbol for the hero they had lost. What Kaidan had lost, however, was not the galaxy-saving hero, not his commander, but the woman who was supposed to be his better half.

The rescue team had never retrieved Shepard's body. Kaidan was half-furious yet half-relieved. Furious because the woman who had saved the galaxy would never be properly buried, relieved because there remained a tiniest glimpse of hope that Shepard was somewhere out there, surviving against all odds, like she always had. It was irrational, illogical, and even downright stupid to have such hope, he knew. But he was drowning and desperately needed something to hold onto to make it through the day, and the next day, and the day after... What else could he hold onto beside the hope that he would see her again one day?

Nothing.

Not even a trinket or memento from her. Everything they had had gone down with the ship. All she had left for him were memories.

Her name had been echoed through the service many times, from Hackett's eulogy to Anderson's. Commander. Shepard. And now – from her own mother – Aerin.

Ever since the day she had been stolen from him, each mention of her name felt like a new bullet wound. Had Kaidan been listening to those moving tribunes, he would scream in pain. But he couldn't hear a word; he couldn't scream; he couldn't cry. For he had sealed off all of his emotions today. He wouldn't allow himself to lose control emotions, lose control of his biotics, not when he was surrounded by the crowd.

Aerin wouldn't want that.

And so he sat there, still as a statue, his eyes unfocused. His feelings were all but buried deep within, like a man who was half-dead. Just as well. A part of him was dead, lying inside that empty coffin.

He had put on his dress uniform to say goodbye to Shepard, even shaved for the first time since that day. Yes, she would like it that way. She had a weakness for men in suits and dress uniforms, as she had once told him during their long overdue first date, Kaidan recalled with a ghost of sad smile.

Second date, he corrected himself. The first one was that night at a tiny cafe over a cup of hot chocolate and a cup of coffee.

In the end, she had never seen him in a suit, and he had never seen her in a dress.

In the end, he never had a chance to take her to Vancouver – a city he knew she would love, or to the winery for a getaway trip he had promised her.

In the end, he never had a chance to call her Mrs. Alenko – a title that would only suit her but no one else.

He had naively thought they had all the time in the galaxy. A lifetime together, as they had promised each other on the floor of the hotel room where they had spent most of their shore leave in. That was the happiest moment in his life.

Now those happy moments had turned into the most excruciating memories – memories he had actively sealed off. But like picking at a loose thread of an old sweater, everything threatened to unravel with one random tug. One random memory led to another, then another. Scene after scene played inside his mind, reminding him of her warmth, her scent, her touch.

Tried as he might, Kaidan couldn't seal the breach. Struggling against the current was a losing battle. And so, he relinquished the stern grip of his self-control and allowed himself to drown in the memories of her. Of their first handshake, first date, first kiss. Of the first time she had blurted out 'I love you' in frustration in the heat of an argument. Of the night before Ilos, their shore leave, their promises.

Kaidan shut his eyes and took a ragged breath.

“I hate ceremonies.”

His heart skipped a beat when he heard that soothing feminine voice.

_No... It can't be..._

When he opened his eyes he realized he wasn't in the hall anymore. Nor was he sitting on a chair but a park bench. Underneath his boots was not cold hard tiled floor but soft green grass. Warm sun replaced the cool ceiling lights when he lifted his head up and glanced around. Kaidan recognized this place all too well – Stanley Park.

Kaidan was stunned at the sudden change. He could feel the presence of someone sitting right next to him on the bench, facing the opposite direction. Kaidan didn't dare to move one muscle, too afraid she would be gone the moment he turned his head. He couldn't see her face, but from her voice to the glimpse of raven hair he spotted from the corner of his eyes, it could only be one person.

“This is much better, isn't it?” she asked softly.

For the first time since that fateful day, Kaidan felt whole once again.

Because she was here.

Aerin was here.

“It's beautiful here,” Shepard commented casually as if they were out on a leisure date at the park. “Do you come here often?”

Kaidan swallowed hard to push away a lump in his throat before he could find his voice. “...No...”

“Well, you should,” she said with a gentle smile in her voice. “You should enjoy life more often.”

His brows knitted; there was more than a hint of bitter taste in his mouth. “...How can I? You're not here anymore.”

“I'm here, Kaidan. I will always be here to watch over you.”

It was more than he could take. His throat tightened painfully, his eyes stung. “No. No... Not like this.” He could barely speak in a whisper. “I need you, Aerin. Come back, please.”

There was only silence from her.

“Aerin, no...” His voice started to crack. “Don't leave me behind.”

“I love you, Kaidan. I want you to remember that.”

That was not the answer he wanted. “No. No, no. Don't do this to me.”

“Live.” Her voice grew quieter. “That's an order.”

Somehow he knew this was the end. “Don't go!”

“Kaidan...” Her voice was down to nothing but a whisper, echoing inside his head. “Thank you...”

_Don't leave me!_ Kaidan wanted to scream, but couldn't find his voice. When he turned his head to face her, gone was the glimpse of dark hair, replacing the commander was a weeping Liara. Kaidan found himself back to the service, back to the cold reality. Shepard was gone, and with her she took away that fleeting ray of warm sunshine in his life.

It was then he realized what he had forgotten to tell her.

_I love you too, Aerin. Always._

 

* * *

 

Year: 2185CE

Location: Citadel

 

_I didn't know how much I loved her until the day I lost her, the day we all lost her. I didn't think it was possible to make it through the first night without Aerin. But I made it. And then another night, and another night after that. Somehow, I've survived, day by day, week by week, month by month._

_There were times when the pain was too much to bear, times when only alcohol could make me forget, even times when I almost wanted to give up on myself. But I didn't – I couldn't. Aerin would hate me for that. She was a survivor, a fighter, and she would give me hell for giving up. So, I've fought the hardest battle in my life to pull myself back together. It took me two long years. And I live, like she would want me to._

“The councilor is ready to see you, Commander.”

Kaidan looked up from his omni-tool and nodded politely. “Thanks.”

_People always say time heals all the wounds. It doesn't. Not mine. The pain has started to numb once I finally accepted the fact that Aerin would never be in my life, but the wound remains, covered by scars. And like all unhealed wounds, if you touch it, it hurts like hell all over again._

_For years, I've been keeping a tight rein on my emotions. Thanks to that training, I am functional on the outside – hell, I was even promoted twice within two years for reasons beyond my comprehension. On the inside... it's a completely different story._

“Kaidan.” Anderson greeted him with a firm handshake. “How's your trip back to Vancouver?”

“It was nice, sir.” Kaidan noticed a picture on the councilor's desk. Piercing blue eyes looked straight at the camera with an achingly familiar confident smirk, demanding his attention. It was a picture of Anderson and Shepard, both in dress uniforms, his arm around her shoulders. Kaidan allowed himself to stare at the picture for a moment longer, his gaze lingered on the face he would never forget.

_Every night when I close my eyes, I see her face. And every night, I regret my decision of going against my instinct; I hate myself for leaving her behind on the Normandy. The thought that I could have done something if I were with her, the thought that I could have saved her, or even the thought that I could have died in her place... Those thoughts alone kill me over and over again every single night._

_I see her in my dreams, quite often actually. Sometimes, I dream about her dying. Whether she's dying in my arms or far away from me, I couldn't save her. Not once. Sometimes, I dream about us together, living in a house, doing the most mundane things. Those are the dreams I'm afraid of, not the nightmares of her dying. Because those are the dreams that remind me again and again of what could have been, what should have been – our happily ever after._

“We are planning to start a special ops division with biotics,” said Anderson. “I want your input, Commander.”

Kaidan paused to consider the logistics. “There might not be enough biotics within the Alliance, sir.”

Anderson nodded in agreement. “We'll start by recruiting the most talented human biotics across the galaxy then train them with our best instructor.”

“Biotics are a tight-knit group. You need to find someone they can trust to recruit them.”

“My thoughts exactly.” The councilor gave him a nod. “Go on.”

As Kaidan took a second to collect his thoughts, his eyes unconsciously settled on that picture. On her.

_I miss her. Everyday. Aerin inspired me to be a better soldier, made me want to be a better person. I'm grateful for the chance to know her, the chance to love her. And grateful for the fact that a perfect woman like her would choose a flawed and damaged man like me. For a while, I was the luckiest man in the galaxy._

_It's hard to imagine someone you've known for such a short period of time would have such a huge impact in your life. But she wasn't just anyone. Aerin Shepard was never just any woman or any soldier she would like you to believe. She was... different. One of a kind. If you asked a hundred people to describe Commander Shepard, you'd get a hundred different answers._

_She was a hero to some, a pain in the neck to others, especially to those she didn't like. She could be bossy and stubborn as hell, but she was always open to suggestions no matter your rank, and she would be the first to admit her mistake and own up to it. She could be cold and calculating, even ruthless to her enemies, but she was the most passionate and loving woman I've ever met. She was strong and courageous, but I've seen her hurt, I've seen her cry. I've seen the hidden sides of her – the real Aerin Shepard. And the woman behind all those impressive titles was... well, perfect._

“Here's your hot chocolate. Have a nice day.”

“Thanks.” Kaidan wrapped his fingers around the warm cup and settled down in his usual seat at this tiny cafe in Citadel he had discovered one very special night two years ago. Her secret favorite had now become his.

_Aerin Shepard might be many things to many people, but to me, she was and will always be the woman I love the most._

_Love, not loved. Because even to this day, I still love her. Even though I'm starting to move on with my life, she is always on my mind. And I doubt it will ever change._

  
  


  
  



	37. Epilogue: The Rebirth of a Legend

Disclaimer: All characters and settings belong to Bioware.

 

Epilogue: The Rebirth of a Legend

Year: 2184CE

Location: [REDACTED]

 

The office was tastefully decorated with classical music playing in the background – the adagio movement of Carl Nielsen's fifth symphony. A woman with long dark hair sat in front of her terminal, reading a file that had been sent to her. Her inbox beeped, icy blue eyes spared a glance at the new message.

_'To Miranda Lawson. Commander Aerin Shepard Psychological Profile Part 3.'_

“Just in time,” she mumbled under her breath as she closed part two.

Miranda Lawson had spent the past week to learn all there was to learn about Aerin Shepard. Her family and personal history, her medical records, her service records, her combat data, and now her psych profile. She even knew Shepard's measurements and bra size. But Miranda was not Shepard's stalking fan, far from it. It was merely part of her job to know the commander inside out. With this intimate level of knowledge, she would have a higher chance to succeed in her project.

While the rest of the galaxy were smitten by Shepard's heroic deeds, Miranda was certainly not. So far, from what she had learned about Shepard, Miranda had mixed feelings about the commander.

Shepard's psych profile suggested she liked to play the hero, or as some would call it: Chronic Hero Syndrome. That was hardly a surprise, considering the commander had made a career of being a hero since the tender age of twenty-two by saving Elysium by herself. Shepard's swan song was saving the galaxy from the Reapers, even Miranda had to admit that was remarkable.

But she had met Shepard once, although from afar and in a relaxed environment. From what she had observed, Miranda was not particularly impressed by the off-duty commander.

On-duty, on the other hand, Miranda had to give Shepard some credit. Shepard's combat and service records were exceptional. No doubt the commander would be an invaluable asset to their cause. And what Shepard could bring to the table was something no one else could offer. She was a bloody icon; people would willingly followed her straight to hell, no questions asked. How Shepard could command such loyalty, Miranda had yet to figure out. But she knew one thing: That unique charm was why the Illusive Man was willing to pour unlimited resource to fund this project.

However, there was one big probably Miranda could already foresee. Born into a military family, Shepard was an Alliance pet through and through. To have her willingly work with the Cerberus, that would require some persuasions and time to gain her trust – time they might not have once the project was completed.

There was a solution to that particular problem – one elegant and simple solution: A control chip. Miranda made a mental note to bring up that suggestion next time she reported to the Illusive Man.

But, as usual, she was planning too far ahead. For now, Miranda had one huge hurdle to clear before she needed to be concerned about the commander's willingness to corporate. Shepard was dead. Her body – severely burned beyond recognition – was now stored in the lab waiting for Miranda to start the project.

Miranda drew a sharp breath and reached for her glass of wine. As smart as she was, even she couldn't perform miracles. And for this project to succeed, she would need a bloody miracle.

But Miranda Lawson was never one to back down from challenges, especially one that was worthy of her attention. This was her biggest assignment, handing to her directly from the Illusive Man himself. Failure was not an option. She would reconstruct Shepard piece by piece and bring her back from dead at all cost.

Miranda took a sip of her wine as she finished reading part three of Shepard's profile, preparing herself for the assignment she would be devoting her life to until it was completed.

Clearing her throat, Miranda pressed a button to record the very first progress report, “Commander Shepard has been recovered. The Lazarus Project will proceed as planned.”

 

* * *

 

Year: Unknown

Location: Unknown

  
  


“I knew you could save the damn galaxy,” a woman's voice appeared behind her.

Shepard turned and saw a familiar face standing behind the bar counter. “Ash?”

“Who's a better hero than our captain, Commander Freaking Shepard?” Ashley gave her a faint smirk and poured her a drink. “Good job, Skipper.”

Shepard glanced around and noticed she was in that nightclub in Citadel. It was empty, except for the two of them.

Ashley held up her own shot glass. “To those we've lost.”

Shepard downed her shot, yet somehow, she couldn't taste the alcohol.

“ _She's reacting to outside stimuli.”_

“Did you hear that?” asked Shepard.

“Hear what?”

“...I thought I heard someone.”

“Relax, Skipper. Your job is over. There's no more ambush, no more fighting for our lives.” Ashley poured her another drink. “Bottoms up.”

“No more fighting.” Shepard liked how that sounded. “I'll drink to that.”

Perhaps exhaustion had finally caught up to her, Shepard could barely stand after two shots.

“ _We're losing her!”_

There it was again, she heard some whispers echoed from behind.

“Shepard!” a stern voice yelled.

Shepard turned around and saw a tall figure standing right in front of her with his arms crossed.

“Captain?”

“ _Increase the dosage.”_

“Why are you still here?” asked Anderson with a scowl.

“What do you mean?”

“You've a mission, Commander. Now get your ass moving!”

It was then Shepard noticed she was on the Normandy.

“ _Begin injection.”_

“Aerin, honey,” a woman called out for her.

“Mom?”

“Listen to the captain,” said Hannah Shepard. “Your work is not over.”

“...I'm tired...”

“I know you are,” said a man with a voice that could always sent a tingle down her spine.

“ _There's a spike in the readings!”_

Shepard turned to him with a smile. “Hey...”

Kaidan took her hand in his, but she couldn't feel his warm grip. “The galaxy needs you. I need you.”

“ _Another dose.”_

Shepard felt a jab in her chest. She tried to scream in pain, but she had no voice.

“It's okay, Aerin,” said Kaidan softly. “I'm here. We're all here.”

“Fight, Shepard,” said Anderson. “That's an order.”

“ _Come on, Shepard. Come on!”_

That whisper became louder. It was a woman's voice.

“You can do this, honey.” Hannah Shepard reached out to her daughter's face, yet Shepard couldn't feel her mother's touch. “We love you.”

The ground disappeared beneath her. Shepard plunged into darkness.

 

* * *

 

Light.

Blindingly bright light.

That was the first thing she saw through her blurry vision.

Then she heard mumbles and noise of machines beeping faster and faster. Shepard tried to gasp for air, each breath burned in agony.

Then came more mumbles. When she tried to move, the excruciating pain shot through her body almost knocked her back to unconsciousness.

“Oh my god, Miranda, I think she's waking up,” said a man's voice.

“Damn it, Wilson! She's not ready yet. Give her a dose of sedative!” a woman ordered. Then the face of the voice's own hovered above her. “Shepard, don't try to move. Just lie still. Stay calm.”

_Where am I? Who are you? Where's Anderson? Kaidan? WHERE AM I?_ Shepard parted her lips to speak, but there was no sound. All she could do was fighting for another breath.

“Her heart rate is still climbing. Brain activity is off the chart! It's pushing the red zone. Damn it! We're losing her!” the man said nearby.

“Another dose, now!” the woman barked.

_NO!! Where am I?! Who are you?!_ Those words were never spoken. All she saw was an blurry image of a woman long dark hair and a pair of icy blue eyes. Her eyelids became heavier with each labored breath she struggled to take. 

“Too close,” said the man. “We almost lost her.”

“I told you the estimates were wrong. Run the numbers again!” The woman turned her attention back to Shepard. “You'll be fine, Shepard.”

_...Who? ...Where?_ She could no longer fight the weight of her eyelids.

Then, there was nothing.

 

* * *

 

A/N: Can't believe this is over. Months of writing almost daily and now part 1 is done. Thank you for reading. And a special thanks to those who took their time to leave me a note, your encouragement kept me going.

Part 2 will be posted as a new story. Hope to see you over there.


End file.
